Struggling as a stay at home mom

User - posted on 01/14/2012 ( 64 moms have responded )

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I'm a stay at home mom to a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. I chose to stay at home because I feel kids do better when they spend that extra time with mom rather than at a daycare (just my opinion).



Ever since I became a mom I've been struggling with identity issues and have had trouble settling into this new role. Since my 2nd came along, this has gotten worse.



I've suffered from depression in the past and now it's ongoing (can't afford therapy).



My kids constantly complain about what we feed them and how we do things for them. They're constantly demanding and want things RIGHT NOW.



Hubby works 10-12 hr days so he sees a fraction of what I deal with on a regular basis. I'm finding it very hard to not resent him.



I try my hardest to have that "me" time but with hubby working long hours it doesn't always happen so I try to grab it in small amounts (and the kids usually don't let me). By the time they're in bed, I just want to go to bed myself.



I find it's hard to feel happy for what I have when all I seem to feel is depressed and unappreciated.



Thanks for letting me vent (I don't have anyone really to talk to about this stuff....)

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Karen - posted on 01/17/2012

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I am a stay at home mom; however, I began it later in life. My intellectually disabled (mentally challenged), autistic step son moved in with us about 5 years ago, at the age of 11. I worked full time as an Executive Assistant an Paralegal to a President and General Counsel of a multi-billion dollar company. I was always on the go, go, go and constantly interacting with people. Imagine my shock! I did think it was awesome to be home with my kids (2 in the home at the time - both 11), but I realized quickly that it was much harder than going to work, even though they were both in school.



I had a few years of off and on depression, partly because I missed my friends and making new ones, I missed having the $ to do things and I was giving up a lot of who I was. I realize at this point, this is what God has given me and I can truly handle it. I know my position was way different because mine are all in school (now a Freshman, Sophomore and Junior).



I work as a sub at our PreSchool at church and I see a lot of moms going through what you are. A lot of churches offer several different programs. Some have mother's day out for a very minimal cost, some (like us) offer a free Parent's Night Out (it is very important for the 2 of you to have time together too) once every 2 months. There are a few that also have a "scholarship" program.



If you have a local YMCA, they offer scholarships as well where your membership would be free or very minimal. This would allow you to leave them in the nursery, have some time to yourself, make new friends and do something for you. Although they are still there, you are not tending to them the whole time. This would also help them to be able learn to interact wiht other kids as well.



At home, try to create a "structured" environment similar to that of a school environment. Have a set time for breakfast and lunch, throw in Art, Music, Reading and Writing, and some Math as well as recess and clean up time. Dollar Tree sells some great workbooks that could be spread out over a couple of months. This will help them keep a schedule, you will have a routine, the day will go by quickly and it will be fun.



These are just ideas and I hope you can take at least one of them to help you.



I hope it gets better! Have a great day...you deserve it.

Meg - posted on 01/14/2012

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Hang in there! It sounds like mommy burn out, and is more common than you'd think. Of course its hard to see your husband 'escape' while you deal with the mundane everyday battles. I find it helps to remember that I choose to be a stay at home mom, that I believe its the right thing for my little one, and to do things to empower myself in this role (which is usually under appreciated and overlooked).



My little man is very demanding, but I find that by arranging activites that engage him alongside doing something for me helps. Try picking some activites you can do for yourself, but include your kids in, whether that is a walk out in nature, drawing together, dancing ridiculously to music, etc.



I have also suffered from depression in the past and had great results with meditation and a yoga practice, Yoga Nidra is esspecially good when your tired and have little time on your hands (all you have to do is relax and listen)



Try to remind yourself that children live in the 'now' so of course they want everything right away, try to be in the moment with them lovingly and help guide them in the right direction, while cutting yourself some slack, you don't have to be perfect!



Above all don't forget how great you are, how important your role as a mother truly is, your raising a future generation after all! So enjoy creating wonderful memories with your little ones! They won't need you forever, so make it count while they do :)



All the best!

Roxanne - posted on 01/17/2012

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Hi,

I have a few pieces of advise that I have trying to follow myself:

-Get your MOJO back! Get a job., workout, have a ladies night or a date night as often as money can allow, if not more often than money can allow!

-Remember that you are not the only one who goes through this. All of us have to adjust and transition into the role to motherhood in some way or another. Working moms have different kinds of problems. Nonetheless, all of us have to take time to adjust into our new roles. We go from career women with some kind of financial Independence to having our days scheduled by little ones and mundane activities. It might take longer than you expect to adjust but we do all adjust.

-If you find yourself not adjusting and not liking being at home, try compromising with your resolve to stay home. Set a time frame. Go back to work when the children are in school, or put them in preschool sooner than you planned to in order to facilitate your working schedule.

-If your depression becomes debilitating, it might help to talk to someone or take something just until you can get yourself through this period. Often times, when you are down, it is hard to get yourself out of a funk. Speak to a therapist. You will be surprised how common this is. If you put your mind to it, I know you can find an affordable therapist.

- Most of all, accept the decision you made to stay home and reward yourself by enjoying all of the precious moments that so many of us miss. Lower yourself to the child's level and just laugh and run around and be silly. Before you know it, they will be older and it will be different. You will fin yourself missing these moments terribly.

Good Luck, sweetie. We are all in this together so hang in!

Kate - posted on 01/14/2012

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Hi. I am so sorry to see you are struggling. I think all of us have these kinds of feelings from time to time. I know I have and I do. Here are my thoughts: Kids will be kids and you can't change that. Maybe someday they'll appreciate the sacrifice you've made. As far as "the working half", they will never understand. And it is really hard to maintain a happy and loving relationship with a person with who you feel out of sync. The best thing I ever did was to join a mom's group. I found one on meetup.com and connected with 4 moms and we started hanging out together. It makes the days go by faster. You have someone else to "play" with and so do the kids!

I hope it helps you to know I listened and certainly feel your pain.

Sam - posted on 03/24/2013

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Ur the push over I can tell. Its ok most families is the same. Im telling u next time they dnt listen say something smart dnt wanna do what u say. One good smack on their butt with ur hand will get them in line. They know ur mom we can do whatever we just going to throw a hissy fit. They need to know ur boss ms lady. U dnt gotta beat ur kid. Trust me one is all it takes. Kids need authority or they think its them. My daughter pushes hwr gramma around and we just got to look at her and she does what she is getting told. Kids are very smart. Relax. Take a breather. Just know dnt give them warning just make it a 'suprise attack'. Then when they do do good u got to encourage that behavior in some way. And ask them does that makes sense? Should I do that to u?

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Chassidy - posted on 06/07/2013

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Hi I'm new here and desperately need help. I have an 8 yr old daughter, 3 yr old son, and an 18 month old daughter. My oldest has a Johnson IQ. And has problems at schoold Cause she finishes before everyone else, and she has the mind set of a teenager and it drives me crazy,.she's sassy, dramatic and doesn't think she has to do what's she told. My 3 yr old is extremely mean, screams, yells at me, throws things, hits his sisters, tells me No, and everyone I tell him something he'll say huh I repeat it he says huh We'll go through that a dozen times. I'm so stressed that I take medication for depression and anxiety. I really dont know what to do. Im at my wits end.. -Chassidy

Sarah - posted on 03/24/2013

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I am hard time too. I am stay at mom always on top of them. They are 4,2, and 9 months. My husands as been working all time but my kids listen to him. But for me they are worse screaming , crying and fighting. I feel am the bad guy all time. My oldest know just how to push my buttons.

Sam - posted on 03/24/2013

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U need ur power back then ull see u becoming happy again. Dnt let them tell u. Correct them say thats not how u ask. Say that again

Sam - posted on 03/24/2013

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If they yell or talk back tell them u want ur mouth wash out with soap. U got to take them in bathroom and grab it. O it spookes them EVERYTIME

Sam - posted on 03/24/2013

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They need a quick wooping. with ur hand u dnt got to use the belt. Just one good one will keep them in check for a week. They gotta know theyre not the boss.. And u have to give commands. Stop asking .tell them. I had my stepdaughter come live with us bc she was being bad with her mom. All it takes is discipline. Wen they dnt wanna eat sit them there for a while. My 4 year old was super picky. Would try to make herself throw up. Wen she tried that shit I gave her more. Then I tell her everything is chicken (Thats worked great) .if she being a grouch ill say u want tuna instead (she hates that the most) like a option this or something worse. . For u to have ur mmoment of silence have them go in their rooms and play. Put on a movie and say play until ur movie is over. That give u an hour. Go take a bath. U got to make ur kids play together more. Yell at them for telling on each other. Be assertive.

Coleen - posted on 03/17/2013

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chilliwak dont know where you live but i understand all your feelings and maybe you should try to find another stay at home mom in your area that you can even hang out with on some days of the week and have some adult conversation while having the kids or even try to get a part time job and if she feels trapped too exchange services of childcare and work different days of the week. my husband works days like your and we have more children ranging from 13 to 5 mons. it has shown to be a struggle for me to go from working to being home. so i watch friends kids certain days of the week and then they help with my kids so i can work. we have a crazy schedule and one driver me. if you lived in my area i would like to help you get threw this low feeling.

Aruna J - posted on 01/09/2013

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Go talk to a shrink, it helps before u find yourself drowning your children in a tub and shooting your spouse. You also need to find other activities outside the house--volunteer-- you will find a sense of purpose. Also go work out for at least an hour, it releases stress. Get a double stroller and start walking. With a sense of purpose other than mommy and wife along with a better and energized body you will find your "You" again.

Mandy - posted on 01/02/2013

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I know how you feel. I just started in this type of situation. I stay at home and I have my 2 year old daughter and now, my three month old son. I literarily get yanked in every direction all day long. Do NOT get a second to myself!! I eat food like a pelican it seems, barely chewing some days. I am picking back up my pregnancy weight too. I walked passed the mirror the other day and startled myself. Then to make matters worse both kids tag team at night. My daughter will wake up for some reason or another then wake my son up. I"ll get one down and then the other will start in. I don't even get my nights to rest. I probably slept for a total of two hours last night. Why is this so hard? I just want the best for my kids and I feel like I am such a tired, stressed out mom all the time. It sucks. I need to get me back but I am in such demand all day long and utterly exhausted. I have never worked this hard in my entire life.

Chanthana - posted on 10/25/2012

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Hello,



I too am a SAHM and I choose to be. I know how that feels because I have three children 3, 1, and 5 months.I didn't want to miss out on their first everything and I feel that it is what is best for them. I find myself saying NO NO NO all day long to things they want to do and constantly changing diapers. I am exhausted at the end of the day, when they are safe and asleep I remind myself that they need me and that I will always be there for them.

As for their father, I remind him that what I do is work as well. At his work he gets a break at home I don't. I also remind him that being a father means spending time with your kids. Every day after his work he spends at least 30 min with the kids to let me breath. And on Sundays he takes care of the kids for three hours so I can have time for myself and do whatever. That three hours helps me keep my sanity. I hope this helps you out a little. :)

Julie - posted on 10/24/2012

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You would be surprised if you knew just how many other moms felt just like you do. I myself feel that, all too often, the job of parenting mostly falls into the mother's lap. After that, the burden of sacrifice is largely hers, too. Because I am right there with you on this issue, all I can say is that your feelings are normal, given the circumstances you are dealing with. Don't tell yourself, "I shouldn't feel this way". We feel what we feel for a reason. You have needs, too!



I wish you all the best, I am looking for a solution too.

Julie

Darien - posted on 04/06/2012

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Wow... When I read this post its like im taking a peek of the future im so terrified of :(

I have a 2 year old and one on the way, they will be 2 years apart as well.

My future husband is also a working machine and I rarely see him right now..

I guess what im trying to say is you have a future friend to talk to about this ♥ haha

User - posted on 03/27/2012

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I've started a weekly Zumba class Wednesday nights which my hubby says will help. I'm also going to move forward from people who aren't supportive and are contributing to my depression. I'm going to be starting an anxiety group here in the next month so hopefully I can work through some issues I have (ie: anxiety taking the kids to parks - fear of losing them/strangers snatching them). I've found my 2 (almost 3 year old) has taken a liking to puzzles which keeps her entertained so I can get some housework done and both of them are starting to play board games together. My 2 year old doesn't nap anymore so there's no downtime for me in the afternoon - which is also when I have that tired slump. So I've instituted "quiet time" in which I throw on a movie for them while I unwind and regroup.

I'm looking to make new mom friends (which is VERY hard for me as it's hard for me to trust anyone anymore after my last friends let me down) but it will hopefully get me out more.



My kids are NOT shy at all and daycare wouldn't make a difference for them socially. I agree with putting them briefly in daycare so I can get a break for me but unfortunately the money is not there. But in the fall, my 4 year old will be 5 and in kindergarten and my 2 year old will be 3 and in preschool 2 days a week so that will help a bit too :)



My all time fav saying right now is "You get what you get, and you don't get upset" and the kids GET IT :))))



Something to keep in mind mommas: "Keep on swimming" :) We'll ALL get through this - especially if we all SUPPORT EACH OTHER ♥♥♥♥

Jenny_D - posted on 02/27/2012

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You are clearly doing the right thing since you believe that your kids truly need to be with you so even though it is hard, you need to hang in there and focus on the good stuff. I am guilty of sitting around (as a SAHM) and sulking about the same kind of things, but recently I decided to take a different approach and try to spend more quality time with my girls and really enjoy them. This means, less computer time, less tv time, less texting time and just sitting and playing with the girls. It has really helped and they seem happier too. It is hard work and stressful being a mom in general so just try to remind yourself that there are many people in this world that have it way worse than you ;o)

Sal - posted on 02/27/2012

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ohhh and my daughters school has a great saying for you to use when your kids complain, it is our house mantra these days...'you get what you get and you don't get upset!!!' the kids even say it to each other when one is bitching about something...

Sal - posted on 02/27/2012

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i know how you feel, when you are taking critism for preschoolers to heart things hqve really beaten you down......firstly get your confidence back up, you (im sure) do what you think is right for your kids, they are 2 & 4 and dont know whats best, you do, even if they dont like it you get to make the choices be confident in them and back yourself!!!!

secondly remember that choosing to stay home is a job for you the most important one you will ever have so be proud to be a sahm,

thirdly it is perfectly normal to want time out your hubby gets to come home from work each day and have a phyiscal break, we mums never get this start and finsh to the day so we have to steal it where and when we can....my sis swears by her ipod, puts it on and pretends for 1/2 an hour she is somewhere else, i go to book club once a month without the kids and a mums craft morning once a week, we all bring our kids but it is my time, we all bring a project we cant get time for at home and the kids all play, we have morning tea and girl talk,

another friend uses the rideon lawn mower so she cant hear the kids fight but can still watch them while she just has time to think....

what ever it is you find time for make sure you do it and never feel guilty about it.....you are the most important asset your family can invest in, so take care of yourself you are worth it...

Heather - posted on 02/26/2012

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I know exactly how you feel :(



I found a group called MOMS club. We have a few play dates every week and a few outings every month. At the play dates, I feel more free than I have felt in years. The kids play together and the moms get to sit around and talk about "girl stuff" like we used to do before we had kids. The group also has a babysitting co-op where you trade free babysitting. I've never tried it, but it sounds like everything about the club might be helpful for you. I know that it saved me from the depression that I had sunken into.



If you go to momsclub.org you can see if there is a chapter near you. There is a $25 annual membership fee, but pretty much everything we do is free, and I think it's definitely worth it. I don't know what I would do without the friends I have made and the good times that I have had with them.

[deleted account]

Devon, as I recall from some of your other posts, YOU are part of the working class that thinks "sahm's are lazy and just want to sit on there [sic] butt all day and spend there [sic] husbands [sic] money."



Why is the only option you mentioned for her to get a job? Why didn't you mention getting a hobby, volunteering in the community, building a stronger social life, or alternative ways to handle the demanding phase her kids are going through? She certainly doesn't need a job--that would be counter productive.



Also, no one said daycare was bad, but it is NOT daycare's responsibility to get kids ready for school or quell shyness. A sahm can get her own child ready for school, you may have problems with this task, as I can see your grammar is rather lacking, but most people are educated well enough to teach academics through the kindergarten level. A sahm can also work with her child to quell shyness through social activities such as story time, mom&me classes, play dates, part visits, science group, museums, and other activities. Daycare is not bad, and most moms who send their kids to daycare do not depend solely on daycare to socialize and educate their child, they work in conjunction with daycare. Basically, while daycare can be helpful, it does not do anything at all for children that mothers cannot do themselves. Also, why does she need a job to send her kids to daycare if she is sending them in order to get a break? Shouldn't she send them and use that time to do something for herself?

Devon - posted on 02/18/2012

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sounds like you need to find a part time job or ask someone to take your children for a couple of hours hear and there every week so you can do your own thing for a bit. I understand how it is being home day in and day out with kids, i did that for a long time between jobs. now i have a job and it is less stressfull and depressing. maybe that is what you need to do. I don't want to sound mean when i say this. but you chose to marry a man with a good job and new the long hours he worked, you chose to stay at home and have another child. If you feel like you are depressed and whatever else than it is time to look at the big picture and start thinking about making some changes. get a job, send the kids to daycare (if you can't afford it, there is help out there). daycare isn't that bad, and it gets them ready for when they do start school. it makes them better at not being so shy to other classmates. good luck:) as for the comment that kate made about how the "working half" doesn't understand. trust me, they understand its that alot of the working people think that stay at home moms are lazy and just want to sit on there butt all day and spend there husbands money

Meg - posted on 02/13/2012

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Thanks for the honesty and kind words in all your posts, ladies! I'm having a real rough time recently having to adjust all over ( just had baby #2) and all these posts have succeeded in lifting my spirits a little bit.

Sarah - posted on 02/12/2012

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I was a sahm when I had my first daughter 13 years ago. I was also a teenager so it really didnt faze me. But now that I have had my second daughter, she is 9 months old now, I am struggling big time with finding myself. When I went back to work after my first daughter I was a workaholic and would work long hours because my daughter was old enough to "handle" me not being home right away. My mom always helped me with her. I am finding it very hard to not have that "power" over my schedule. Plus my 9 month old has become very clingy to the point I cant even walk out of the room most of the time without her crying, she no longer puts herself to sleep. As we speak she is in her crib crying because she was fighting with me about rocking to sleep. I feel helpless most days. My husband is a truck driver and is gone for weeks at a time. Then when he comes home the baby has to warm back up to him. To top it all off we just found out we are expecting our 2nd baby. This is a good thing but I am struggling with a schedule and how to make it all fit after so many years of having "freedom" and "control" over my schedule. You are not the only one. and it makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one either. Keep your head up! We both can make it though this!!! Best of luck!

Amy - posted on 02/12/2012

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sounds like you are fairly new to the sahm thing. I just want you to know it gets better in time. I have been sahm for almost 7 yrs now. I struggled with the same thing in the beginning..but now it is much easier. Know that we are all here for u. Try to keep a journal at the end of the day and write down all the fun stuff you and your children accomplished...can even be cleaning with them.



We started the letter of the week with my almost 4yr old and my 2 yr old. I find my fun things to do with them on Pinterest. By the end of the week...we all had a bunch of fun finding the letter/shape/color of the week that they both know it.



My Hubby is a Dairy farmer and we only get to see him in the am for 1hr, 1hr in the noontime and then after bed time I see him again. So I can relate to resentment. I pourposely leave one of my least favorite chores for my husband to do that bothers him the most....laundry. since he started helping me, I seam to resent him less. You know, it is like he is giving me flowers everytime he does housework. Maybe something like this could help you.



Keep us posted on how things go.

Heather - posted on 02/09/2012

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You have found such great support here! I have been where you are as well. I decided to take my time as a SAHM to figure out who I am and what I really want to be when I grow up. I didn't have to go back to school for it or even reinvent myself. I really looked at what it is that I love to do and told myself I had no excuses to just do it.



My kids are in Kindergarten and Preschool now, so I get a little break every day. But before they were in school, I had mandatory quiet time every day. They didn't have to nap if they didn't want to, but they did have to have alone time in their rooms. Another sanity saver for me was going for drives. I know gas isn't cheep, but sometimes you need a little change in the day. I would pop the kids in the car, put on either public radio or classical music because it honestly calmed them down and I'd treat myself to a coffee and cruise around town. I love looking at houses and we live by a lot of lakes, so it would be a nice little break for all of us.



I was also resentful of my husband, but ultimately realized that part of it was a feeling of being disconnected with him because our lives were so different. We started going on dates regularly. Luckily we have a teenaged neighbor girl who can watch our kids and doesn't charge much (plus, since she's next door, if anything happened her mom was close by). If we couldn't do a date night, we would take just 5 minutes on the couch together once the kids were in bed and without TV on to just be together. We could talk, or even just snuggle a little and that really helped.



I also agree that you need to find a mommies group, and perhaps a small job or hobby that feels important to you. I realized that I loved planning my kids parties and one day just walked into a local kids store and started telling the owner the ideas i had. She loved them and we've been working together since. I also only have to work on the weekends so my husband can watch the kids! That way he also has a small taste of what I have to go through everyday.



Find what you love, pluck up your courage, and go after it. But also be gentle with yourself. Do those dishes really have to be done now? Can laundry wait one more day? Sometimes it's ok to let things fall a bit for your own sanity. Hang in there!

Christine - posted on 02/09/2012

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i would start teaching them to start doing things for them self and if they dont like what they are fed, tell them this is what we are eatting and if you dont want it then thats it. this is how when i was little my parents got me to eat and try new food. if i complained later i was hungry they gave me what i didnt eat for dinner. there was no different food that i ate from everyone in the house. i believe this is why i think i am not a picky eater.

[deleted account]

Yes I know the feeling it is really hard! I have a three year old and a seven year old step son (lucky he goes to school during the day) but I get very overwhelmed too! It can be hard, my guy works from 4am to 4:30pm and sometimes 5:30-6pm and even saturdays here and there! so they dont really understand because they do not see what we are going through or feeling so I try not to get too upset at him lol. Plus he has to be in bed by 8pm every night which means lights out for everyone! But with the kids, i try to keep them busy like parks or walks or scooter rides or inside activities as much as possible. This keeps them from driving each other crazy and me! But im young and its hard to connect with other moms so if that works for you try to get together with other parents and do playdates or your weekly routines together like food shopping to make it more fun for you and the children.

Christy - posted on 02/07/2012

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Can you take your kids to a mother's day out program a couple of days a week? It's usually pretty cheap (like 200 ir so a month for 2 kids, at least here it is).

Crystal - posted on 02/07/2012

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Ok, so I absolutely get where you're coming from.. I too was down for a while when my kids were younger. But, I had to snap out of it, for their sake, and of course my own sanity. You know the old saying "Ain't nobody happy if Mama ain't happy" ... well, its kind of true. :) Find a Moms club in your area so that you can get out and your kids can play with other kids, and you can chat it up with other Moms close to you, who may be going through the same issues. Then you can babysit for each other once you get to know them and are comfortable leaving your children with her. Another suggestion is stop "catering" to your children. If they're demanding its because they know you'll give in to their wants. Be the boss. Let them know you're the boss and will get what you give them when you give it to them. My kids (6 & 4) are constantly asking for snacks or this or that, but I have to put my foot down and tell them no, or not right now, or do it yourself. Your 4 year old should be old enough to do things for herself. Since my 6 yr old is in school all day, its just me and my 4 year old daughter at home (and now my hubby since he got laid off). She plays in the room by herself or watches TV or a movie when I need to get things done, or just need some down time. Kids need to learn to be independent and be able to entertain themselves. Do your kids take naps? If so, this is a great time to get some "me" time and just relax. You don't have to be doing something every minute of every day. Give yourself a break. You have to realize that you can't take care of your kids to the best of your ability if you aren't taking care of yourself. :) If you can, on a weekend when your hubby is around more, let him take the kids and get out or do something for yourself. Best of luck...hardest part is taking that first step. Just because you've decided to be a SAHM doesn't mean you chose to be their slave.

Darlene - posted on 02/06/2012

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Hang in there girl, sounds like you have a full plate, but remember...they are only little for a moment and before you know it they are grown and gone. Enjoy them while you can. I waited 22 years for mine and she is worth every day and then some that I waited. (She is only 7) There are always thorns on those roses but after a while it does not hurt anymore. It may seem difficult now, but know this...You will never regret your decision to be at home with them. They will thank you later for your sacrifice. You will always be remembered by them for that.



It might help if you get a baby sitter once a week, join a gym, have a friend night...(One mom will watch the kids for a few others while you and other Mom's go out for a while) Do you have any friends near by with small children? I have done that and it is great.



I hope you can some how find your joy.

User - posted on 02/06/2012

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yeah my husband has alot of back problems so hes never really has to deal with donnie so i know how you feel when you say you feel like your doing it all on your own

Natasha - posted on 02/04/2012

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I can say I know how you feel about the not knowing yourself anymore I am only turning 23 in may my oldest just turned 4 jan 3 my just turned two on dec 10 and my youngest just turned 1 on jan 27 my husband works in camp I do t get to see him for 15 days at a time and some days I feeling saying I quite we have also just moved to a new province so I have no friends are family yet and it's hard to get out with three kids at that age but some days it's nice to just drive to the mall and walk around with them even if you don't bye anything gives u a brake from looking at the same four walls

And maybe you and hubby need to take a weekend to yourself to have a couples only no kids weekend at 1st I had to force my hubby to do it but after the 2nd or third time we try and do it once every couple months even if it's only 20 mins away from we're we live nice not to have to cook or clean for one full day and night your not alone

Emily - posted on 02/04/2012

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I know exactly how you feel, but I only have one child. My husband works in a different state, so he is gone most of the week and home on the weekends.



I was a stay at home mom until my husband lost his job. Before that happened, I was depressed, and as you said, I kind of resented my husband because he didnt have to deal with even a little bit of what I had to! When he did lose his job, I decided to put my son in daycare and get a part time job. That way, my son could interact with other children his age, and I could have some kind of adult interaction, as well as some me time. It has worked out pretty well so far.



I hope things get better for you.

Nichole - posted on 02/04/2012

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i kinda feel the same way but with only one... I think most of my problem is that Im kinda wanting the adult interaction.. we moved away from our home town for my husbands job... I just wish I had a friend i could visit at least once a month... I did have a friend i use to visit every other week or so.. But since we moved a lil further from town.. It seems like shes always busy.. which could possible be true but its kinda got me wondering if shes being as honest as it looks...



I just try to take each day as it comes...so i hope everything works out for you... :)

Veronica - posted on 01/31/2012

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OMG! I thought I was alone! I have been a stay at home mom for 10 months and I dont even know who I am anymore. My husband just thinks I'm a crazy witch when I get mad because he wont watch our son for 10 minutes so I can shower so its even worse when I want to go out and be a person and not just a mom. I usually force myself to stay away for 3 hours at night after my son falls asleep but then I wake up sooo tired. I wish that the guys knew what we go through daily so that they would take the babies for a few hours. sigh. c'est la vie

Tracey - posted on 01/31/2012

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I know the feeling all to well! I have a 3year old and a 7year old with special needs,and my partner works 12 hour a day 6 to 7 days aweek, and has to leave for work an hour early, so were lucky to see my partner 2 hours a day,

User - posted on 01/29/2012

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@Orlene - yes, I do appreciate how lucky I am that I can stay at home with my kids while many can't. And I know that day will come, when I'll miss all this. It's hard to see that sometimes.....



The other night I snuck into my kids' bedrooms while they were sleeping and kissed their foreheads and said a quick prayer (don't go to church but i do have a bit of faith).



But I know I won't regret this choice I've made :)

Orlene - posted on 01/26/2012

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I thought i was the only one who felt that way. Just two days ago i thought the same thing...stay home mom, two kids (one very autistic) no friends, weight gain, no me time, family in another province, unhappy and sinking.

It's good to vent but also to find someone else who can understand without judgement.

Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one in this position. Let's be encouraged. The children will grow up and go to school full time and our season will change. Let's look at it as: this is our season to nurture & teach..this is our job now full time...but what we teach will benefit these kids in the long run.

There are mom's out there who wish they could be in the same position as us but can't. Also single moms...we're very fortunate to have husbands that can work and take care of the bills.food etc..

We are going to shine one day....it's coming dear, hold on.

Ashley - posted on 01/26/2012

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I have gone through the same thing. New to the area, NO friends, can't afford anything, can't afford to work cause I have to put two kids in daycare (age 3 and 4). I hit the blues big time. I don't know where you stand religiously, but I found at the local church they have womens groups that meet during the day. in my case, childcare is provided but not only are there other moms like me, but it is very inspirational and I feel 100% better when its over. call it spritual and emotional therapy! but it is refreshing and a complete blues buster to work from the inside out. but never the less, don't forget we have the hardest job out there. don't forget to take care of yourself from time to time. you deserve it!

User - posted on 01/23/2012

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@Jessica I think my biggest fear that getting even a part-time job will be too much for me and that the juggle with be even greater :S



I know the one thing I am lacking which is VERY important is a support system. Friends and family. I know a few moms (we used to do playdates when our boys were young) but it was only on a playdate level - not on a level where we could vent and support each other. I may try to reconnect with a few of these moms.



As @Michele was suggesting, people who are uplifting :)

Kim - posted on 01/23/2012

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I just want to add on top of what all these other Moms have added is that 'Your are normal! ' I have kids 2 & 3 age. I lose my nut most days and it doesn't help when my hubby watches the kids for an hour and he says "They were exceptionally screechy today!' I have to remind him it is my all day everyday. I haven't found the answer yet either. I do reflect every night and try to look for tomorrow to be a better day. Lately i have been trying to put the 2 yr old down then I take 10 mins and do some stretches and Pilates moves I remember. I feel great then I can go and finish putting the 3 yr old down for the night. every couple of weeks I try to get out with my friends for a night. It is good that you recognize you are not feeling well. Remember you are not alone. I try to think how do my mom do this with 3 kids. I try to look in the day to laugh. When I am mad or angry I try to think can I laugh at this with the kids some how. I find the more laughter the better I feel the day went.

Jessica - posted on 01/23/2012

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I have been through the same thing. I stayed home for years.... and felt that loss of identity because you replace it with the kid's needs. I had alot of anxiety and slight depression. This might sound horrible but it has improved enormously since both of them are in school now.

I would say if its possible at all get a little part time or weekend job like at a coffee shop or restaurant. I did and at first its exhausting but once you adjust to the schedule, it becomes a relief that you get out of the house and do something for yourself. It will get easier when they start school though and you will treasure all of the time you had with them when they were little.

[deleted account]

PS I think venting is sometimes needed but also focuses on the negative which you mostly want to get away from. Find a group of women that are uplifting. It took me a couple years at home befor I had friends that really supported me. That made a huge difference. I also have mantra's. For instance when doing the laundry while kids are running around like crazy I repeat " atleast I do not have to go to the laundry mat with them"... there is always a positive, it just is usually really hard to find :)

[deleted account]

I have a 3.5yr old, a 2yr old and an infant. same with the long hours and all. I have started doing lots of playdates. a cup of coffee while all the kids go crazy, it has helped alot and I work 4 hours on Saturdays. I also see a chiropractor that does alternative medicine and put me on some herbal therapies for a resonable amount of money. I have dubbed them my happy pills and no side affects!!!! plus trading childcare with other stay at home moms in the area works great so no moey is exchanged and everyone gets a break. Call some churches or talk to other moms at preschool. Being a mom at home is super hard and often times with toddlers and preschooler completely THANKLESS!! I compared it to the worst day ever as a waitress. Hang in there and good luck you are not alone and there is hope :)

User - posted on 01/18/2012

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My 4yo is in preschool 3x a week for 2.5 hrs a day so i get a wee break but still have the 2yo. i tried taking her to a free program called Strong Start (like preschool but with parent participation) but the moms are all snotty and the same with this local family drop in. Long ago, I took my son to a library storytime - which was great when he was a baby. My 2yo would NOT sit still and would try to take off :(



I've thought about putting one (or both) in a daycare but that's not cheap and I've been told that's it's generally not a good idea (well for every once in awhile) as they can't really get into the daycare's routine.



I've also thought about hiring someone to come to my house (while I'm there) to play with the kids while I get stuff done around the house (or run errands). I think I'm not really trusting with people anymore. I'd rather hire a teenager but during the week they're in school :P



I guess I could talk to my aunt about maybe once a week dropping the kids in her daycare (maybe on one of her slow days so as to not take a spot). The big thing is money. This time of year it's slow for my hubby's business so we need every penny. I wrestle with what to do with any extra money....bills? therapy for me? meds for me? daycare for the kids?



I'd love to take a course at the college but again the money situation (also worried about juggling with the kids). I made a list of things that I enjoy doing to gain some clarity. Unfortunately at the top of the list is pampering myself :P



My kids are very active so trying for "quiet" time is VERY hard to do. If my 2yo naps, I give my 4yo computer time (nickjr, treehouse sites) so I can relax and watch a pvr'd show.



I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep the house and kids in order (I'm my biggest critic).



@Dana - my kids are the same way!



@Fezeka - it is pretty lonely and i do feel out of touch with society



@Jill - i'll have to try a schedule. my kids are ALWAYS hungry! i agree that they need to have a chance to miss me



@Jessica - i had a circle of friends where a year ago we would always get together once a week and have a bitchfest. well some of the friends started working again and getting together was hard. there's also been a few falling outs in the group and some trust lost.



@roxanne - in about 2.5 years when my 2yo is in school full-time i plan on going back to work (perhaps part-time). it's just going through the next couple of years. my 4yo will be in school full-time in september (and i'm sure i'll miss him terribly) and my then 3yo will be in preschool 2x a week 2.5hrs a day.



@mary - i find myself feeling the same way: if only things were better then i wouldn't be in this situation! i'll definitely try a gratitude journal

Mary - posted on 01/17/2012

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I just want you to know that you are not alone! Being a stay at home mom with no support system is very, very challenging! My entire family is on the opposite coast and almost all of my friends have moved out of the area due to cost of living. So, I get it! It is hard work! 24/7, no time off, no down time, no sick time, just constant contact! I am not sure if you have looked into public nursery school for your 4 year old, but my friend swears by it! If you qualify, it is free. My daughter will be 4 in March, and my son will be 2 at the end of this month and they can put me through the ringer. It is nice to know that I am not alone in that. I often find myself feeling that if only I did things "better" then all would be better. Try to go easy on yourself. I too can lean towards the depressive side and I have noticed that my diet and sleep schedule HUGELY impacts my state of mind. I try my best, but damn if I am not a stress eater. And as you know being a stay at home mom is STRESSFUL! LOL so, my moods could be better. I just want you to know that you are not alone and that you are doing a great job! My husband read about this study that says if you do a gratitude journal every night before bed for a week (and then stopped) that you would be happier for 6 months just from that one week. I am not a big journal-er, but I do try to think back over my day to find one moment for each child that I am grateful for. I don't know if it works or not, but I actually feel better. :)



Here's hoping tomorrow brings you a smile!

Patti - posted on 01/17/2012

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I can so relate to your situation. Because I'm in the same position more less. I have 3 children and my youngest is 10 months old n my oldest is 10 yrs old n my middle one is 7 yrs old and I became a stay at home mom after I had my last one, because my employer denied me maternity leave. After working threw a temporary company for over 2 years before finally getting hired in. And this was industrial work. As they claimed to be excited for my husband n I during are pregnancy. For them to fire me a few weeks after having him. I feel into such a depression n was so extremely stressed out. Because we were a 2 income family what were we going to do know. It took me several months to finally get my unemployment as the so called company that claimed they cared, we worked for lied to unemployment and told them I quit, it took me forever to finally get it and the company was found wrong. My husband was hardly around bc he had to work 12 hr days to try to make up for the loss income. I even had to go on medication and that didnt work, It was so hard for several months to have a positive out look on life. So I looked into what I could do to help me out, to help me have some adult conversation so I started selling Avon and it really did help it got me out of the house and I can take my children with me, I get to interact with other stay at home mom's, and meet new people. And I get to make some extra money and be my own boss, and the best part I get to do it around my kids. It has helped me out so much expecially talking to other stay at home moms n hving some extra money to do something for myself and going to hv coffee with a few ladys. I wish you the best of luck and trully hope you know your not along out there alot of us moms have feelt the same as you do.

Jessica - posted on 01/17/2012

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In all honesty I could have written this myself. I have 3 kids and stay at home taking care of my disabled hubby as well. Do you have any close friends or family you can confide in? Maybe you can start a journal of all your thoughts and feelings and what a time you and hubby can discuss things that are going on. I know it's rough but hang in there any if you ever want to a mom that is there you can email me anytime butterflycutie82@gmail.com

Jill - posted on 01/16/2012

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oh, i wish i could hug you! i know how you feel completely!!! i've been there, still there and back again. my hubby works 24 hour shifts, sometimes 48. i have an almost 8 and 4 year olds. my 4 year old is very demanding (4 going on 14). what helped me a lot was schedules! i came up with a schedule and hung it up for everyone to see. even though a 4 and 2 year old cant read, you can put pictures on the schedule and they'll get the idea. even hubby has to follow the schedule, too.



as for time for yourself, scheduling play dates are a huge help b/c the kids can play while you can (try) to talk to another adult. it's amazing how much better behaved a child can be when they have your attention for a short time such as a craft, game or reading time.



i also used terms such as "kitchen is closed" when my kids wanted a snack right when i got lunch cleaned up. they learned very quickly that they will go hungry when they dont eat all their lunch.



set rules, follow them and be consistent.



also, communicate with your husband. ask him for a specific time you can have "me" time when he's home. write it on the schedule and stick with it. plan something, get out or schedule something. write it in pen, too. then it wont get cancelled. AND DONT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT! even if you only get one or two of those a week, it's something to look forward to. you need to get out of the house at least once a week without kids so your kids get a chance to miss you, come running to you and give you a big hug when you get home, as i'm sure they do with daddy when he gets home from work.



staying home with kids all day, every day is not an easy job. it takes a lot of adjusting, lots of talking to friends, lots of craziness, too. but it's worth it in the end, like you said. it's better that they are with you than daycare. no one ever said parenting was easy. give yourself some slack and a big learning curve. perhaps sticking with a schedule would wear the kids out enough to get them in bed on time (early) and that would give you a little more "me" time in the evenings.



schedule a date night with your hubby. dont wait for him to do it. it'll probably never happen. schedule the babysitter, make reservations, whatever and then tell your husband what you're doing on what day. he may complain about being exhausted from working but you're exhausted too and deserve to be out and about as a wife and not a mommy.



feel free to add me in your circle and i can give you my email address and we can talk more if you need to.

VICKIE - posted on 01/16/2012

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Been home for 5 years now and have loss a lot of friends so I know your pain. Mine are 2, 4, and 14 and no the 14 year old don't help he make it worse because he act like he their age. Wanting everything to be about him. My 4 year old is in school all day and my 2 year old is in a church private preschool which is about $200 a month for 4 days a week 9 to 1pm. It helps some but it don't seem like I get anything done since now I'm the taxi with 3 kids at 3 different schools with different pick up and drop off times. I have no family and friends here and my husband went from working on the road for months at a time to second shift and just a week or two ago its changed to getting off at 9pm. Just in time for them to go to bed. I still have no energy left after they go to bed. I pray things get better for you. Make play dates and look in the children magazine booklets for weekly free activities. That helps. Wish you the best of luck.

[deleted account]

I thought about this the other day, because we have triplets and don't live near family we have always seemed to get more help than most. I still got depressed when they were little, so I feel your pain. Staying home with the kids is a lonely job sometimes and to change that you might need to get out of your comfort zone a little. Being a stay at home mom does not mean you don't get a break. Pay a sitter for 3 hours of time once a month, a sad depressed mom is not a very fun mom (or wife). When I wasn't in a mommy group I would always make sure I left the house with the kids so I didn't feel so isolated. Find a way of connecting back with society because I think that is the number one reason stay at home moms get depressed.

Dana - posted on 01/16/2012

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I am the same way. No friends because we moved a few times and it was hard to get out and do stuff due to the lack of funds. But now that my daughter is in school and there is just my son at home during the day things got better.



My kids are very high demand kids ... they want 100% of my attention 100% of the time, always needing and wanting hugs, kisses, drinks, snacks. They don't sit and play. I finally laid down the law..... snacks at certain time, they can have some thing to drink when I am done with the task at hand.

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