Stuck between Husband and Mother- feels like a war

Amrit - posted on 07/26/2012 ( 32 moms have responded )

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The details are too much to get into, but I feel like I have created a monster. Basically I was younger and dumber a year and a half ago than I am now and went to my mom for moral support during a tough time with my hubby. She took it too personally and got too involved and defensive of me. She wrote me a huge email saying many not very nice things about my hubby and my hubby read it as we read each other's emails. He was hurt and infuriated by the things she said and sent her a nasty email to which she replied in kind and told him not to email back. Now they both hated each other and I was in the middle. Then there were a couple face to face arguments which DID NOT go well, and I am left with my mom banning my husband from her house and refusing to speak to him, and my husband banning her from our house, from seeing her granddaughter, and from seeing me. I do not wish this to be this way, but now they are both so engrossed in their stubborn ways that I see no way out. I know that I need to stand by my hubby and our future together, but I have a tremendous guilt and feel like I am completely shunning my mom which is a horrid feeling because we have always been so close. Is there anyone who knows what this is like? Can anyone give me suggestions that might heal this? Have I failed beyond repair? :( I can't bear the thought of my daughter not knowing her grandma, and I can't bear the thought of her knowing that daddy hates granny.

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Bobbie - posted on 08/10/2012

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You at least know that the damage has been caused by unknowingly asking for support rather than working on your relationship yourself and you turned to the person who would defend you to the death. It is fixable BUT it is up to you to fix it and without delay. Talk to each of them as soon as possible and one on one. I suggest the following conversations. IN PERSON
SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND - "I am so sorry you got your feelings hurt by reading that email. I didn't stand up for you when we got back together because I just didn't know how to tell Mom to stop helping. But no matter what she has said and done it is my fault. I need to take responsibility for pitting you two against each other. I didn't know that was exactly what I was doing when I turned to her. You don't know the support and love she gave to me when I turned to her for help. She doesn't have the ability to just turn off the protective switch and forget all the negative things I said to her about you. I tore you down a lot when I was hurting I need you to forgive me for running to her with things that I should have kept between us to work out. I have learned my lesson but now our daughter is paying for it.
YOU SAY TO YOUR MOTHER - "I was so immature to run to you and tell you every little thing he did that I didn't like. I put you in a difficult position. I made you dislike the man I love because I wanted you to fix things for me. I know now that it was so unfair to you and your granddaughter. I wasn't mature enough to handle my own problems so I pulled you into personal issues. I can't make you forget the things I said about him but please forgive me for dragging you into it and I need you to let me take it from here. Trust me that I do know what I am doing and that I am happy with him. I have new boundaries with him and you both. I will not discuss you with each other. I will give you both all the time you need to heal from the pain of the fights you have had but I need you to be the bigger person and lift the ban from your house. I have to build this family back up from the sadness I caused and I need you both to know it is not your fault.
THEN YOU NEED TO MOVE FORWARD. Invite your mom to go out for pizza or something casual and say "He and I are inviting you out to pizza and to visit the granddaughter" Continue to offer the olive branch until both parties can move past it and come together for the daughter's / granddaughter's sake.

Margaret - posted on 09/02/2012

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1. Not EVERY conversation between a husband and wife is meant to be repeated to outside family or friends.

2. If you DECIDE to share details of certain incidents about your marriage with other people, then you need to know that other people are just that - people. Human beings. We all judge each other, it's just our nature no matter what.

3. Apologies have to happen in order for your relationships with your husband AND your mother to even REMOTELY improve.

4. Whatever you learn from this experience, now you'll KNOW what to NOT do so that it does NOT happen again!

5. Be a model of behavior for your daughter. SHOW her how we should behave in ALL circumstances, it's how she'll learn from you as she gets older.

6. Remember that ALL families go through something like this at some point. If anything, just simply clarifying any miscommunication can make ALL the difference. Doesn't mean it's easy to do, but for the sake of grandchildren and grandparents, we sometimes have to suck it up, anyway.

7. In the words of Dr. Phil, "Do you want to be RIGHT, or do you want to be HAPPY?"

8. Take a deep breath when you speak to your husband AND mother. Make sure to speak to them separately, honestly, and figure out a way to move forward.

9. Ask them BOTH (after you've spoken to both of them separately) when they think they'd like to sit face-to-face with each other (AND you, if you think that they're BOTH ready). Be patient, this could take a LONG time to happen.

10. After ALL 3 of you have had a civilized, polite, discussion, make sure that you ALL agree to disagree WITHOUT being disrespectful, rude, and or argumentative in front of your daughter. There's a time and place for everything!



I'm no expert...Just been married for almost 11 yrs, and both MY parents and my in-laws are still married, over 40 yrs of marital experience to go with in navigating daily married life....Sorry if I came off as judgmental or harsh. Would rather be honest and upfront. Hope I was helpful :)

Ana - posted on 08/15/2012

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Umkay, you were bad! Yes, I too have learned this lesson. When you have marriage problems, sometimes you can tell friends, sometimes family, sometimes neither...
Once people have the bad info, when things get good, they can't let it go like we can...and the secret hate continues..

No more talking with mom on deeper issues about your marriage.. sit with your own issues for a while and work with your hubby on things and talk with other women, like you are here...

Kristin - posted on 08/06/2012

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Whatever it was than you originally complained to her about has been resolved now between you and your husband? Or have you just learned to cope with those things and she may still be mad at him on your behalf? If not, then maybe this is the time to go over each thing with your husband and really come to an understanding. You need to have the same serious talk with your mom as well. There is no reason that you should be more loyal to the man you married than to the woman who gave birth to you. Each relationship is as important as the other. Nobody is perfect and I'm sure you agree with your husband about some of the problems he has with your mom. Just as your mom probably has some valid points about him. Both of these people believe that you are completely on their side and and neither of them are being adult enough to see the harm they are doing to you and your daughter. You have to make it abundantly clear that you will not listen to a WORD of hate they have to say about the other. Do not back down. Treat them as the children they are behaving like until they straighten up. Nobody should ever be made to choose between a parent and spouse.
I was in the same exact position years ago. I finally got so tired of the stress and crying that I packed some things and my son and I stayed with a friend for a while. I made it clear that I wouldn't be coming home or visiting her until the two of them could work it out and at the very least be civil to one another. I was gone maybe a week when they both gave in. We had dinner at a restaurant to prevent a scene and I asked my son to tell us why he loved each of them so much. I think it brought things into focus for them. They both disagreed about many things but the one thing they had in common was their love for me and my son and hating each other is just wasted energy.
Maybe you should let both of them see the replies people have posted here? Having people with no emotional ties to the situation, give the advice they are giving, just might help them see the consequences of their harsh words and actions.
Then again, you could go "old school" on both of them and have them write "lines". The definition of FAMILY about 100 times might do the trick ; ) Good luck, hon, and hope this helped a bit. Keep your chin up!

Joy - posted on 07/29/2012

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Her mom didn't write the husband an email. Her mom wrote her an email and her husband read her email, then responded to the email that her mom probably only thought her daughter would read. Its not common practice in my house, at least, to read each other's emails. I don't think her mom was expecting the husband to read it.

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Ashley - posted on 03/23/2013

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I am in the same boat! I'm so depressed my mom hates him And hates her and I don't know what to do he says a lot of meaner things than she like lastyear on mothers day my mom was sick and wanted me to come give her a shot . I told my husband i was gonna go over and will be right back that she needed a shot in her hip he replys I will give her a shot and then give her a shovel,? Who says that!? And today he said he wished he lived so far away from my mom that she never could see our daughter again :'( and jgs just a big mess and in the end they are only hurting me and my daughter BC they are the type that could care less all I know to do is pray and hope to god it will get better soon

Lungile - posted on 12/13/2012

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wow what a situation. They need to get their act together as it is the children who will suffer. I would suggest a mediator who will help you rectifythe situation. What I would say is that yes you needed your moms support but be very areful from now on what you share with her because even if your husband changed and became the most amazing man after being a prick your mom will always have a negative view of him so don't badmouth him to your parents in any way as you are their daughter and of course they want what is best for you. I just hope they both cool down at some point so that there can be peace.

Cikku - posted on 12/12/2012

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Who is right between them? Your hubby or your mother?



Start there and who is wrong will be much easier to convince that who is right.



Convince first who is wrong to give a chance to the other and to meet up.



At any rate, I would say that your hubby has a much higher chance to convince than your mother. He will get infuriated, shouting and so on but eventually with a few false tears and crying (women are experts there), and a little something extra on the side :) he will come around. Your mother will be a harder job to convince but put your children in the argument and she should come around enough for a meeting though.



Do not say it is a reconciliation meeting, just a dinner out nothing more and they should not be forced to talk to each other at all and bring some other people if you can.



Then afterwards if everything goes ok, at around the 3rd or 4th dinner out, just tell only them to go and leave it at that.

Amrit - posted on 09/30/2012

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Well, there is good news- things have improved greatly, and I just wanted to let you all know. Thank you for your support. It was a very sad thing that happened in order to bring forgiveness to my mom and hubby. My dog had a really bad reaction to the rabies vaccine and started having seizures and then went blind and deaf and finally fell into a coma. We all wept all day, and after him being in a coma for 5 hours we decided to put him down. My mom had come earlier to try and do what she could to help, and I was too distraught to care about any tension between her and my hubby. So after the vet came to our house to administer the shot, we all gave our final goodbyes to Toklat. Once his loving heart stopped beating we all fell apart. But he left us with a beautiful gift of grace- he opened up their hearts enough for my mom to apologize to my husband, and for him to accept her apology and apologize in return and hug each other. They are still in fragile territory but we have moved and things are healing with time. I am so grateful for that departing gift from such a sweet soul...

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I have been in the exactbsame situation, i know it's very very difficult to deal with , but after 4 months my hubby stepped up and went in her way to forgiveness ( cause my mum was far too stubborn to say that she was wrong ; when she was in fact ) anyway, one of them will have to apologize ,i believe that you have to talk with your hubby about it because your mum stays your mum, and for the sake of you and your little girl he has to make a move towards her; or your mum towards him. even if they are stubborn they will come around because they both love you. but you seriously need to speak with them over and over again, say to them how much you're hurting over this situation and that your mum wasn't trying to break off your relationship she thought your were defendless cos you came to her and she thought you needed help ! Forgiveness is the word, but who will do the first step ?!

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I agree with Amber.Keep your matters to yourselves.Try not to share it with your mother or anybody else(Internet is fine!).Just to add humor to your dilemma, I say ,Punjabi men may behave tough from outside but their is a very easy way to win their heart.Cook delicious punjabi food for him!Serve him all your love through lots and lots of paranthas and sweet halwa.And he will loose all the bitterness from his heart against your mom soon.All the best :)



Hey, Amrit.My apologies.I tried all means to send reply to your msg but this.The webiste wont allow me.There is some kind of glitch.I type everything and when I hit send the msg wont go.I look forward to have more conversations with you.You can add me in your facebook account or you can shoot a mail to to me at pallaveearora@gmail.com.

Bobbie - posted on 08/15/2012

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I do hope you begin to take steps to keep him from reading your email or your asking for help may be seen as too much of a threat against him. Here is another website's information

ABUSERS TRICKS
The following is a list of behaviors that may indicate a potential batterer.
Controlling behavior
In the beginning an abuser will attribute controlling behavior to concern for the victim (for example, the victim's safety or decision-making skills). As this behavior progresses the situation will worsen, and the abuser may assume all control of finances or prevent the victim from coming and going freely.
Hypersensitivity
An abusive person is easily insulted, perceiving the slightest setbacks as personal attacks.
Isolation
An abuser will attempt to isolate the victim by severing the victim's ties to outside support and resources. The batterer will accuse the victim's friends and family of being "trouble makers." The abuser may block the victim's access to use of a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home.
Blames others for problems
An abuser will blame others for all problems or for the abuser's own shortcomings. Someone is always out to get the abuser or is an obstacle to the abuser's achievements. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything.
Blames others for feelings
An abuser will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Common phrases to look for: "You're hurting me by not doing what I want." "You control how I feel."
Verbal abuse
This behavior involves saying things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, cursing or degrading the victim, or putting down the victim's accomplishments.
Rigid sex roles
The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a male abuser will see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
Breaking or striking objects
This behavior is used as punishment (breaking sentimental possessions) or to terrorize the victim into submission.
Any force during an argument
This may involve an abuser holding down his victim, physically restraining the victim from leaving, or pushing or shoving. Holding someone back in order to make demands, such as "You will listen to me!" is also a show of force.

http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuserTri...

Bobbie - posted on 08/15/2012

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I am worried about you to. I sense that coming from India both your mother and your husband carry many old fashion ways of thinking when they are angry. Such as your husband thinking of you as his property and his child's life being his to completely control without your input. I am not aware of your faith or if I am even on target with thinking these things are happening. But unfortunately you have seen his poor reaction to being tested by you to go against his word (by taking your child with you to see your mother and have dinner with her). This behavior could be coming out as he fights to find his way in the American culture with woman having so many more rights than he is use to. Did you marry in India? Did you first live as husband and wife under the belief that he rules the house and all decisions are his alone? If so he may be really scared that you are becoming too Americanized. He may feel threatened that you will turn into the women he sees everyday doing things that upset his beliefs.
BUT it could also be a big red flag that your are in an abusive relationship. I have added a 10 question quiz found on the internet for you take. The truthful answers you give about see him reacting to these will give you a deeper understanding of what is going on.
http://www.lifescript.com/quizzes/love_i...

Mia - posted on 08/14/2012

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Relax. Breathe Deeply. Sit down. and FIRST AND FOREMOST, you have NOT failed beyond repair! Going to your mom originally in a hard time with your hubby was not a failure. You should be able to go to your mom - it's her issues for not being able to handle it well and realize that everyone has tough times and you needed her support NOT her to defend you but that is an easy mistake. Then it is your hubby's issue for not being able to handle some mother in law criticism. I am no stranger to this. My MIL was blacklisted from my home and from alone time with our kids for slandering me to all her friends, lying to my husband and MY PARENTS, and manipulating my husband, my parents, and my oldest daughter! I knew it was all happening and then one day she made a pocket phone call to my husband's cell phone and she was just ripping me, my character, (and my family of origin) apart to some of her friends, in front of my young nephew, in a very long message on his voicemail. It was awful but strangely relieving for me because my husband heard it first hand. Before, he knew she was unhealthy and weird and anxiety-ridden and we have been confronting her about things since we got married but it was a stretch for him to believe how bad it actually was and to understand why I was so weird around her and unwilling to have a relationship with her. Then he hears what she was saying from her mouth and he made the rules. He would take our kids to see her but she was not allowed to be alone with them (still isn't) or be in our home till I was ready (only 1 time in the last 20 months), she had to start therapy and work through a process that has to culminate in a sort of public apology to everyone affected before restrictions are lessened or removed. She ruined a lot of relationships for me and made my life miserable for so long and I kept taking the high road. BUt I am really glad that I did. I share all of this to say, just like it wasn't my husband's fault, he definitely made some mistakes in his response to the situation that made things worse and created some problems for us but I had to continually - intentionally - externalize him from the problem because it's his mom. She raised him, loves him, and was a good mom. he is a great person with a lot of respect for women, for me, and he takes good care of me and is a fabulous dad but he hates conflict and also just doesn't want to deal with emotional pain if he doesn't have to. when he experienced my pain as much as i did (hearing the words about me from her mouth and realizing how sophisticated her talk was proving she's been doing it a while to God only knows who) really hurt him for me and for her. So he snapped into action. I say this all to say, you have to figure out how to be in the middle of this so that it moves towards a healthy situation and resolution. You do need to prioritize and protect your relationship with your husband but you also need to help him understand how things got to the point they are at and how you can compromise a solution about how involved your mom is in your life and your kids' lives. YOu also need to talk to your mom and be very direct with what she did wrong and how things are going to have to be. Set the rules and tell her it is going to take time for anything to ever change. You'll get through this. I actually reached out and let my MIL help me with my daughter's 4 year old birthday party a few weeks ago. And my mom spoke to her that day for the first time in almost 4 years!

Jade - posted on 08/07/2012

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This situation seems all too familiar to me, other than the fact that I chose my mom over my daughter's father. To make a long story short, my mother and ex are two extremely stubborn people and are exactly alike...which is why they ended up hating each other after living under the same roof for almost 4 years. My ex and I have often talked about getting back together because after a year after breaking up we still have feelings for each other and get along great...but he just isn't willing to make amends with my mom, so that's the deal breaker for me because if he loved me the way he SHOULD, then he would be able to get passed the juvenile fighting with my mother. Not saying to follow in my footsteps, but if it's really bothering you that you can't be in your mother's life, then I think it's just going to hurt you in the long run to keep things the way they are. Something has to be done, whether it be to give your husband an ultimatum (get over the fight Vs. no longer having you around) or something else is your decision...not an easy one, by any means, but I personally think it's necessary. If you're unhappy with your situation, you're not doing your children any favor. No child wants to see their parents unhappy. Good luck to you, hope you figure this out!

Stifler's - posted on 07/29/2012

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I can understand the hatred I'd be very offended if Damo's mum wrote him an email saying awful things about me! Write them both a letter telling them how you feel about the situation and to grow up, for the kids sake if anything.

Michele - posted on 07/29/2012

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I'm sorry but just for the record your husband sounds like a big, whiney, control freak baby!
I can totally understand how he got offended by your moms emIl, but my God grow up man, he is acting like a suborn little boy. He should understand that a parent as well as a freind is going to take the side of their child or friend when they are venting about their marital problems!
I'm not saying he should be happy abput it, but he read an email that wasn't ment for him! It wasn't like your mom sent him the nasty email or called him to tell him off! If he felt it was necessary to carry on and send a nasty email back, fine but end it, even if he got a nasty response back! Grow up and be the bigger person and stop making mountains out of mole hills. You need to stop worrying about sneaking around and lying to him and just tell him you will not be in the middle, if he doesn't want to talk to your mother fine but he absolutely cannot control you or your child in this matter, period end of story!
As for your mother, she is being a drama queen too and knowing your husband saw her email about him, she should bite the bullet for your sake and the sake of her grandchild and apologize but also explain that perhaps she was just speaking out of frustration for her child and didn't actually mean all the stuff she said!
You need to get the 2of them together and let them know you will not be in the middle and if they continue this feud you will not fuel any of their fires, you and your daughter will go see your mother alone since hubby is banned from her place and mom is banned from yours and that's that. You shouldn't be made to choose between your husband and mother because of a stupid fight!

Katrina - posted on 07/29/2012

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That's good to hear that you've been able to offload to someone. Sounds as though you've passed that crossroadsof uncertainty and can see some direction. As for it being in God's plan, my understanding is sometimes he allows us to endure (as we made choices that lead to the situation) in order for you to draw strength from Him, so you may grow in your relationship with God. If that makes sense. Sounds like things are on the way forward anyway, great to hear. All the best.

Amrit - posted on 07/29/2012

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I actually did call a counseling hotline today and spoke with a counselor about the issues. It was a relief just to get things off my chest to someone I don't know and never will. None of what he said to me were things I hadn't either heard before or come up with myself, but I guess it helped me to know that I am on the right track.
My hubby came home about 12 hours later, and seemed to have gathered himself together, but he is giving me the silent treatment and won't eat any of the food I offer or accept any blankets from me tonight. He did spend some quality time with our little one though, so I am happy about that. At least he has the sense to show her that she is loved even when mommy and daddy are having a hard time. He is not by any means a bad man, infact he is wonderful 99% of the time. It is just this issue with my mom that has really brought out his passive aggressiveness.
One thing that the counselor really reiterated for me was that any way I go about it- there is no "easy out". So, I guess it is time to put my big girl panties on and deal with this thing. I am looking for the lesson and the blessing in it (because I know there is one always, even if I can't identify it) and just trusting that this is all in god's plan somehow or another. Even though we do have hard times, good things always come in the end.

Thank you all for your caring and thoughtful comments. It really is nice to have the experience and support of other moms out there. Blessings to you all!

Katrina - posted on 07/28/2012

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Amrit,I agree with other ladies, that he soundsa bit controlling. Even if it's only because he's so hurt. I also agree that you guys need some councelling. I think maybe it should be a councellor who's never seen/treated any of you (so not your mum's councellor) as that way they're not biast to their patient - if that makes sense. Most churches/religions have a low or no cost councellor, who cannot push their beliefs onto you, if you do not follow their beliefs. So, like Joy suggested, that may be an option for you.

As for if he refuses to go, be clear about your needs and what you need from your relationships with both your mum and husband. If you get no results, you may need to "dig in your heels" as the saying goes.

Katrina - posted on 07/28/2012

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Amrit,I agree with other ladies, that he soundsa bit controlling. Even if it's only because he's so hurt. I also agree that you guys need some councelling. I think maybe it should be a councellor who's never seen/treated any of you (so not your mum's councellor) as that way they're not biast to their patient - if that makes sense. Most churches/religions have a low or no cost councellor, who cannot push their beliefs onto you, if you do not follow their beliefs. So, like Joy suggested, that may be an option for you.

As for if he refuses to go, be clear about your needs and what you need from your relationships with both your mum and husband. If you get no results, you may need to "dig in your heels" as the saying goes.

Joy - posted on 07/28/2012

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Unfortunately, I don't think counseling can be forced (unless court ordered?). My husband & I went to a counselor many years ago. My husband didn't want to go and eventually stopped going after 2 sessions. I stopped going when the counselor suggested a divorce. I did rack up a bit of a credit card bill from the counselor. :( We had a different circumstance though and did end up working things out... somewhat.

Do you have a religious affiliation? If so, many religions have counselors of their own for marriage matters. If you think he would be offended by the suggestion, perhaps he would be less so if it was with your religious leader. (This also does not work for my family because my husband & I are in a mixed marriage when it comes to religion.) I don't know if a religious counselor would have reduced fees or not.

He could also realize that something's wrong with the relationship and want to get it worked out so would be favorable to a meeting.

Another idea, is there a neutral 3rd party in your family or friends that would be able to play mediator? That wouldn't cost as much either.

Amrit - posted on 07/28/2012

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i have never mentioned counseling to my hubby before. Part of me feels like I have to solve things on my own, but that obviously isn't working. What do I do if he doesn't want to go? or if he agrees but we really cant afford it?

Joy - posted on 07/28/2012

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Yes, go get counseling for the family, please. Everyone forgets a cell phone once in awhile (I've done that) or the battery on it dies and the other person can't get ahold of the other. What did we do without cell phones when there were landlines and when no one was home and we reached an answering machine (or even before the answering machine days)?

Your husband sounds very controlling of you and your daughter. If your mom has PTSD than your mom should be seeing a counselor anyway. See if you can get something fit into for all three of you to meet with a counselor - either the one your mom's seeing or a someone new. It sounds like an explosive situation that needs attention before something really bad happens.

Amrit - posted on 07/28/2012

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Well things just got worse :( my mom was going to the airport last night so she can go take care of a friend that had back surgery. I don't know how long she will be gone, but we are moving and it is possible that I won't see her before we leave. She didn't have anyone else to call, so she called my dad (her ex-husband) to take her to the airport and he said sure no problem. My husband works the night shift, and I was thinking about saying something to him about going to the airport, but he had made it clear earlier in the day that he doesn't want our daughter to be around her, and that I could go see my mom, but not our daughter. Well that isn't feasible because I am exclusively breastfeeding and she is only 3mo. So, I suppose to try and avoid more uncomfortable conflict, I decided not to mention it. He left for work, and my dad said, well I guess we ought to get going too. We' re already late for dinner. I instantly got this conflicted bad feeling and told my dad, but he said you are your own person and should be able to go see your mother if you want to. So I did. But I forgot my phone, and literally two minutes after leaving the house, my husband calls my dad's cell phone but we missed the call and I didn't call back because I didn't want to hear the lecture I could feel was imminent. So we had dinner at my mom's and I was in a foul mood and then we took her to the airport and I told her that things really can't go on like this because it is ruining my life and she was like well I need time because I can't be around him because he triggers my PTSD. I was like well can't you just try? And she said that she and I needed to talk about things first. I don't know if that is the case- the main problem is between her and my husband and I am so tired of being in the middle.
Well when I got home and checked my voicemail there was a very upset husband who was mad because he had called 4 times and never got through. What if it was an emergency?
Good point, but there wasn't. Apparently he had for some reason been lingering down the road, and he saw us drive away, tried to call, then went home again to "double check" that we were really gone. I don't even know if he went to work last night at all. So then we had an argument via text message last night at 2am and at some point I had to nurse our daughter back to sleep and I fell asleep and didn't respond to a couple of his texts til this morning. That probably didn't help things because it is noon and he still hasn't come home. I don't know if he is sleeping in his car, or if he rented a hotel room or what. He doesn't really have anywhere to go :( But I know that he needs his space to cool down and that he will come home when he is ready. I just hope that he doesn't decide that he hates it here so badly that he wants to go back to India.
UGH! I feel like we could really use some counciling.

Katrina - posted on 07/27/2012

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Sounds tough. If you've tried everything to get them to see reason, I have only one suggestion. If you can afford it ( and also depends on if you work, child goes to school etc) I would take your daughter and the two of you go somewhere for a few days to a week. Tell both your mum and husband that you refuse to be sandwiched between them. That you want to have a good relationship with both of them, and you want nothing less. Then tell them you're going on a mental health holiday, and you hope that they can wave white flags by the time you get home. This way, they have a day or two to be angry then realise that it's come to this, and may just let it go. Just an idea, as I've not been in this situation before, but I think this is what I'd do. However you deal with this, I hope it subsides for you soon, so you can relax a bit, as it must be terribly stressful for you. Thinking of you xxx

Joy - posted on 07/26/2012

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Can you see a family counselor about this situation? It sounds like your husband has a few control issues and your mom may as well. While you are his wife and if you want your marriage to stay together you should support him, but you are also a grown woman and have the right to see who you want. It also sounds strange to read each others' emails, but that may be just in my family where we respect each other's privacy. How do you know he hasn't read this post, btw.?



Sneaking around to see your mom will probably backfire on you if he finds out. -It does for me, but my sneaking these days usually involves birthday & Christmas presents so not so much backfires. That's why I would suggest a counselor to help mediate this argument so it does not spiral out of control or keep you from going out where or when you want to because you're not 'allowed.'

Amrit - posted on 07/26/2012

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Thank you Pallavee,
I feel in my heart that I am in serious trouble. I have tried everything I can think of and I feel like I only made things worse. I resigned myself to giving it time, but it deeply saddens me. I wish I hadn't been so stupid, but now it is done and I am living with the consequences. He isn't really the forgive and forget type- at least not when he has made up his mind that it's some sort of battle. He and my mom both have difficulty letting things go, whereas I let things go perhaps too easily. On top of that I am very non-confrontational and have a hard time speaking up for myself. There was one argument where I did speak up, I even yelled for the two of them to stop bickering and listen to me but they didn't. Not even for the baby who I was holding at the time. I hate that that went into her subconcious.

[deleted account]

You are in some serious trouble.only time can fix this.If your hubby is a thorough gentleman, may be he will forgive and forget everything and be nice to your ma.May be you should wait and not let ur husband find out,you love your mama as much as you love him.He should feel he is the only one you live for.
May be you can tell good things that you can make your mama say about him.That would cool him down.In the other hand you have to work hard and convince your ma(that should not be tough.mothers could do anything to see their child happy).One of them has to give up.
Don't let your child miss her granny's love.That would be so awful.

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