The damn dishes!!

Christina - posted on 01/03/2010 ( 128 moms have responded )

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So I'm a stay at mom, I quit a good job to stay and take care of our 2 kids (3 and 1 year old). I take our 3 year old to preschool and then pick him up, clean the house, do laundry,go to the store(I'm always missing something) , cook dinner, and then clean the kitchen, all and watching the kids....is it so HARD for my husband to help out and wash the damn dishes!!!

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Crystal - posted on 01/03/2010

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sometimes use paper plates also linig the bottem of pan's with with foil when baking chicken or anything that sticks then you dont have to scrub greasy pans.. good luck

Christy - posted on 01/03/2010

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this sounds JUST like my household, minus the 3 year old (i only have a 1 year old). anyways, the last time i did the dishes i realized that 75% of them were his, including the pots and pans from dinner and my daughter's stuff! i found it absolutely ridiculous that someone who's only home for about 5-6 hours a day could be going through that many dishes so i decided to make him do his own. i have a 2 basin sink and half of it is my dishes, baby dishes and dinner dishes and the other half are his dishes. i let them sit as long as he decides to let them sit and explain to company why there are dishes in half of my sink. i told him that when he starts using only 1 cup, bowl, spoon, etc. per day i will start washing them again but not until then. it's as though he thinks i have nothing better to do with my time! it may sound harsh but when they act like children you have to treat them like children haha.

Ricki - posted on 01/08/2010

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We used to fight about it all the time, a constant battle. Then I got to know some other husbands...and realized mine is pretty damn good at helping. Does he do it the way I would? Or as often as I do? Well, no, of course not. But the point is--he tries. Gives it an honest effort. Whatever he does is one less thing I have to. It's their genetic makeup, I think. They just don't see messes the way we do. Men blinders. Frustrating, annoying, angering, yes. But I've come to understand that they are much bigger issues to save the fights for. Like who's changing the God-awful, stomachs heaving, nostrils are on fire, she's sooo small for such a big smell dirty baby.

As much as I hate to say this women (and it took me a loooong time to come to terms with it): That's just the way men are. It's very rare to find one that will do the housework without being asked or pestered and he does it 100% right. Yes, I'm also a stay at home mom who never thought I'd be doing it, but my husband does work his butt off in an unhealthy, chemical saturated, very hot/cold, 12 hour day factory. My days are crazy, my kids drive me nuts on occasion (more often than not) but I'm here with them, seeing everything they do and he's not.

Cindy - posted on 01/07/2010

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My husband is the same way. And you know whats funny is we just talked about this subject today. I am also a stay at home mom, and my husband thinks that because he works he should be able to come home and do absolutely nothing. HA! Yeah right like i'm going to let that happen, he can get himself a drink or throw away his own trash. But anyway I said to my husband "So if I worked then that would mean I would come home from work and not have to do anything." and he said " Yeah. but this place would be a disaster." and I said "Exactly, which is why you working doesnt mean you can come home and be a lazy ass and do absolutely nothing."

Michelle - posted on 01/07/2010

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I have 2 solutions. Come down with the "Mom Flu" and do absolutely nothing in the way of cleaning for 3 days because you are sick so he can see how much you do and explain you need his help to get it all done.
The other solution is buy paper plates cups and plastic silverware and serve only food that does not have to be cooked in pots or pans. (Microwave dinners) eventually he will get sick of it and ask you to cook a meal which is when you say Oh sure I'll cook if you will do the dishes.

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Carmen Elena - posted on 01/14/2010

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I just told him how it turns me on watching him do the dishes and helping around the house once in a while,it worked!!! He is helping out more,I still have to ask and give him his "reward" when he's done though.=P

Christy - posted on 01/14/2010

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When I became a stay at home mom this is what I said to my husband: You have your job that helps pay the bills. My job is to take care of the household, but there are two parents in this house which entails equal resposibilites, so anything dealing the children we do togther or we split the resposibilites 50/50.

It has worked so far, but when he starts falling behind on his end of the deal, I go away for a few days to take care of my "sick mother". :) After a couple of days my husband is begging for me to come home because he feels his job is actually easier than mine, and he's in law enforcement.

Sonja - posted on 01/14/2010

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I've learned that if, instead of griping about what he doesn't do, I compliment him on what he does do, he generally does more. The more I nag, the less he does. And I finally realized...it's not worth our marriage. If I have to do everything, fine. If he helps, great. :) Less I have to do that day. And now that I've been doing it all, he's started helping. Like lately, he's been staying up with our son (he works nights and gets home right as our son wakes up) to let me sleep in. And then I get up with our son when he wakes up from his nap a few hours later.

Carla - posted on 01/14/2010

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sounds like you need to get him gloves My hubby's excuse was that he did not like to feel the bits of food floating in the water! So I bought kitchen gloves and he no longer had that excuse...I also nagged my hubby to do dishes if I cooked and since i always cook..he ended up doing dishes often, when I was pregnant with our first child, I said that he would have to to the dishes everynight as I was going to be busy with the new baby ...it only took 3 months and we had a dishwasher installed.

Tootie - posted on 01/13/2010

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my husband cooks and washes clothes and helps my 12yr old with her math homework. i posted earlier, i did go on strike and it worked. now we have the chore ord and wo does the kitchen on what day

Jess - posted on 01/13/2010

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Let me tell you how I am still working till the baby comes and I am twenty nine weeks and my man doesn't go to work till six at nite so he is home all day and he can only take out the trash. the other day I asked him to bring the wash upstairs and he felt since it wasn't that full that I could do it. They don't understand that a little help goes a long way.

Melanie - posted on 01/13/2010

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You know what? The way he looks at it (if he's like mine) is that HE goes to work all day, works his arse off doing as he's told or even worse dealing with the frustration of trying to get others to do as he requires on time and well (if he's an employer/ manager) The last thing he wants to do is the damn dishes..or iron his own work clothes, or even put them AWAY!! I hear you babe! He probably thinks that once he's home he has knocked off.. Maybe you could ask for help from him? Treat him like the 3year old.. I just could work.. Good luck!

Holly - posted on 01/10/2010

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we must be the same people! i go threw the same thing.. my sister in law came and stayed one day, helped me cleaned while i was feeling horrible and sick.. prego with 3rd child!.. she washed all my cloths and washed all my dishes and straiten up my house.. now its a disaster again!!! my husband says "when i get up in a few ill help clean".. he always says that and doesnt do it.. sometimes he does when the moon is blue! lol.. your not alone we all go threw it.. just do little at a time and try to stay calm and clear.. it will be okay, and at the end you will see its not so bad..

Cristina - posted on 01/09/2010

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My husband is the same way, and god forbid you forget to do something, that one thing you forget or didn't have enough time to finish douring the day THEY nag you about it, I mean REALLY? if a man is not a stay at home dad he has no clue.

CARRIE - posted on 01/09/2010

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This is why I love my dishwasher....lol! But, to be fair I'm very lucky because my husband helps anytime he's home. He loves to help with our son. He does stuff if he sees something needs to be done and if he doesn't see something obvious then he asks. He told me recently that he is in awe of everything I do at home. It's great to know my efforts are appreciated especially when I feel like I'm getting nothing done.

Courtney - posted on 01/09/2010

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Girl, if you could see my kitchen now, you'd probably think yours spotless to a T!! lol. Ya know, I have four kids. Ages 7,6,3, and 1. I homeschool. I have a heart condition plus several forms of arthritis. Does anyone cut me a break.. HECK NO. So you know what I do??? As gross as it sounds, I LEAVE EM. ONLY if and when my husband does a few will I go in and put them away and do a few of my own. I will not spend the rest of my child raising years and time I have left on this earth with this heart issue, standing in a kitchen no one else wants to take care of. For crying out loud, if THEY don't wanna clean it.. what in the world makes em think I WANNA clean it. Until my husband gets off his butt, stuff can sit and mold for all I care. I make him do the cooking as I will NOT cook in a dirty moldy kitchen. I make him wash just what I need to get breakfast and lunch on the table for the kids the next day while he is working. I struggle day in and day out with laundry, kids, errands, and such. And again, I'm NOT going to live in the freakin kitchen just because they wanna be nasty and live in filth like animals. I very much empathize with you and know where you are coming from. In fact, just to make it easier on people.. I got rid of all but a plate, bowl, sauce, spoon, fork, knife a piece w/ a seperate set of two just for company. That didn't make a bit of difference. Having family meetings didn't make a difference. Posting rules in bold caps didn't work. And ya know what.. if they dont care enough about me to help me.. if they don't care enough about themselves and to have pride in their home.. THEN I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE IT FOR EM EITHER. I'm not gonna stress myself. SO, my advice is: do the same thing I did. Get rid of all but what you need and have a family meeting and post new kitchen rules and chores in an easy to access area. If they ignore it.. your husband can sit and look at and smell mold for the rest of his life cause I wouldn't advise your going in there and cleaning it for him when he can't extend the same courtesy back to you!!

Tootie - posted on 01/09/2010

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well it was my husband and my oldest (12) who just wouldn't help out with the chores in the house but then he would complain that something wasen't done. So I went on Strike. I refuse to keep cleaning behind him, the 12yr old, my 4yr old and my 1yr old. the baby can't help herself but i got a big white board and it's the 4 month callander one. everyone does chores now everyone does dishes. the three of us switch off on the kitchen nightly. The 12yr old cleans the livingroom and we each do the bathroom once a week, switching off. and the calander shows whos night it is. It helped ALot...

Maybe if u just talk to him and maybe work out some kind of system it'll help.

[deleted account]

wow. My husband works full-time and I am a stay at home mom and he will without even asking pick up any slack. Maybe get a dishwasher?

Taleese - posted on 01/09/2010

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Its a man thing. and for some reason they think since we are home all day and "do nothing but watch tv" its our job....pfft I'd love to trade places a day but then again not, my house would be destroyed

Rebecca - posted on 01/09/2010

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It's part of your job as a sahm. He works all day too. Make sure all the dishes are done before you start dinner that way you only have dinner dishes to do. Maybe you can get him to do them then.

Jackie - posted on 01/09/2010

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Hey, welcome to the frustrating life of being home. I've been home for 8 years now, and the endless cycle of laundry and dishes well..........never ends! Sounds like you have a husband like mine. Feels like you're taking care of another child sometimes. Don't nag! The only thing that I have found that works is to really let him know how much help you need, and when he does.....make sure he knows just how much you appreciate it. It sucks sometimes to have to praise them for helping, when we do it everyday and would love to be praised each time. But, our attitude sets the tone of the home I've learned. I'm still working on it!

Tegen - posted on 01/09/2010

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Agreed. Why is it so hard to do one simple task? I am fine with doing the dishes my problem is that he knows that the trash is piling up I can't take the trash out during the day because of the fact that i am alone with Jaelyn I live in an apartment complex and the trash bins are quite far away. so it would be nice of him every once and a damn while take out the trash come on! Now i have to bag it up and set it outside of our door so he will notice it. I do everything during the day vaccuum,cook,run errands *store,play group etc. doctors appointments, family visits with his family and my family. And he can't take the trash out every other day.

Cari - posted on 01/09/2010

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Oh I know!! When I was at work he did so much to help. Now I'm home with a 6 week old that isn't happy unless he naps in my arms in the day so I am useless! Everything piles up on me and when I tell him he will do something to help but then the next day, nothing! So frustrating. I think he's tired from our new sleep schedule but .. um... So am I! Trying not to have arguments so thanks for letting me vent. And I'm glad I'm not alone on this!

Amy - posted on 01/08/2010

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wow harsh, i got the same deal going on,(kinda) i stay at home and so does my bf, i clean the house and take out the trah and the pamper, clean up after the puppy clean the litter box, and im the only one who feeds our baby cause he get more food on him then in the babys mouth lol, i clean the kitchen cook and do every thing else, but why cant he do the dishes, oh ya i member, he says that it makes his hands feel to gross after words, omg right gee i just wanna smack him, i even bought him cloves for the dishes but he still wont.

Carrie Jo - posted on 01/08/2010

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I'd rather work meaning that the kids are all in school, but finding a 8am-4pm job with no job in years has been hopeless the hub is on short term disability due to his accident allthough he still is too busy to do any house work, or make time for me. for a mother of 6 im falling to depression

Katherine - posted on 01/08/2010

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Sometimes the small stuff isn't worth bickering over. I know how frustrating it can be, but then, how frustrating is it to nag or complain about it, while the hubby gets upset over it. I find that when the woman asks the man to do something, and he does it, the woman will complain about how he didn't do it right. As a result, the man decides that if his wife complains about him doing the job, then he just won't do it, because it's not worth hearing the negativity. I have found that being nice, and complimentary really goes a long way.

Allie - posted on 01/08/2010

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Set boundaries/chores. Always negotiate. Is there anything that he does that you dont? Trust me. I understand. As most of us heard from our parents, Ask Nicely. (Not that you already aren't) Also you can try giving up one of your tasks and handing it over to him.

Alicia - posted on 01/08/2010

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Someone suggested to me to use paper plates during the weekdays and regular dishes during the weekend when I complained. I haven't done this because I ended up giving this as a chore to my eldest son when my two younger kids were 4 and 1. Now they are 7 and 4 and my eldest is away at college. I don't want to fill the earth with more garbage, but we've learned to share in this chore. I guess it takes time.

Kalley - posted on 01/08/2010

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I think it's just something they're brought up with. I'm not even a stay at home mom yet...I'm pregnant and will stop working when I have the baby. I work part time right now, but my husband still expects me to do most of the housework and all the cooking. He helps with other housework and does all the yardwork but he HATES doing the dishes. Maybe see if there is something else he can do to help out. He might be like my hubbs who is willing to do other house chores as long as it's not the dishes :)

Colette - posted on 01/08/2010

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lol ... I'm a stay at home mom of three + a foster child and I had to laugh because on top of EVERYTHING I do other than take out the garbage and mow the lawn he does't do anything around the house (cleaning wise, when I'm not home) other than washing his work clothes and the dishes !! I call it his chore (and contribution) !! It wasn't always that way though, but now the only time I do the dishes is if he stays home with the kids during the day while I'm running arrends on the weekend and I come home to dinner on the table for once ... don't give up it will defenitly pay off = )

Jocelyn - posted on 01/08/2010

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Nope..It's not HARD...but good luck! I've been Married 12 years and My hubby REFUSES to help..House work is a WOMAN'S job...not a man..according to him!

Teri - posted on 01/08/2010

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You're a dear for prioritizing your family! Been there, done that. Still there!!!! Do what I did - work from home. Its rewarding and it adds the much needed adult conversation to our daily routine. You can look at www.ns-spa.com if you want.
I'm proud that you're with your children - enjoy them while they're young. Mine is already 10 and I don't know where the time has gone!

Melissa - posted on 01/08/2010

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Thats a great idea to have hubby do dishes before work but how do you keep him from waking everyone up?

Melissa - posted on 01/08/2010

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I'm in the same position! Its hard to get every thing done when someone always needs something. I decided that I'm goign to do what I can and let the rest go. Maybe hubby could cook once a week or clean the kitchen while you do dishes. If he won't help just let it go and realize you will have more time when babies get a little older. Don't stress -no one cares about your dishes!

[deleted account]

I'm right there with you! My husband and I reached an agreement that before he goes to work, he has to empty the dishwasher and re-load. I take care of 3 babies, my 3yr. old daughter, 14mo. foster son, and his 4mo. old brother. I'm exhausted!

Christina - posted on 01/08/2010

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I have a husband who is awesome about doing the dishes........but that is about it!!! He never finishes a job. I was taught that if you do the dishes you wipe the counter and stove.....NOPE!!!! And he is even good about taking out the trash......but who do you think puts a new bag in the can!!! ME!!! I understand the frustration!

Jessica - posted on 01/08/2010

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Pfft, please. Don't know know how "hard" their day is. Helping us out would be WAAAYYY too much for them. God it's so frustrating at times.

Ricki - posted on 01/08/2010

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Funny story for that one: I'm waiting on the repair guy to fix our dishwasher so in the meantime I've been hand washing dishes. I always kept dish soap on hand since I preferred to hand wash the baby bottles (I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old) by hand but it's Dawn with bleach alternative (wanna make sure thy'rer clean) and I use really hot water. My hands have gotten so dry between that and the weather (seriously, what's going on with that??). I mentioned that to my husband the other day and he volunteered for dish duty. Now, I will say that on his days off--he works 12 hr days in a factory so I don't ask anything of him on his work days--he does help quite a bit. BUT--I waited all day for him to do the dishes and finally dinner time rolled around and there I was at the sink...He walked thru the kitchen and saw me, "Honey why didn't you remind me?" He was headed out to the gym so I just shrugged and said "I was kinda hoping I wouldn't have too." I wasn't mad, was kinda amused. I glanced over at him and said "But you may have to remind me later to have sex."
His eyes got really wide, then he burst out laughing.

Maria - posted on 01/07/2010

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I used to write up a chore list for my husband, after a year or so he just pitched in. I will say though that it took a very emotional post pardiem fit after our 4th child in 6 years to get him to use it LOL!

Karrie - posted on 01/07/2010

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I am also a stay at home mom with a 5yr old and a 2yr old. The trick is to go away on a girls weekend and leave him with all of your responsibilities for the 2 days!!! He will learn his lesson fast...my husband did and now he is responsible for doing all the dishes and all the laundry!!! It worked for me...maybe it can work for you!!! Good luck :-)

Amanda - posted on 01/07/2010

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Sounds like my husband. He works, so he shouldnt have to come home and do some housework, or so he thinks. I finally got to the point where i'd tell him that supper wasnt getting cooked until dishes are done. It worked for a while. They dirty the dishes, the house, laundry just as well as we do.

Kellie - posted on 01/07/2010

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I only work nights part time so the days im off i let him relax when he first gets home that way he feels like helping later. normally we take turns cookingb/c we both like to, we eat then while i do the dishes he cleans our daughter up, wipes everything down,and sweeps. I usually finish about that time and it gives us time to sit together and spend time as a family. I think if you explained that you understand that he is tired from work but you too have been busy through out the day, and would really appreciate some help maybe on certain days of the week, he may understand and try a little harder.

Angela - posted on 01/07/2010

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Some men will... mine doesn't but with the help of FlyLady I can do them with in 15 minutes now. Now biggy anymore.

Lili - posted on 01/07/2010

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It'll be okay ladies, this too will pass. And before you know it... your house will be clean again— but it will also be quiet and lonely. So be nice, and they will want to come back and visit you when you are old. And they will do your dishes for you then because they will love and respect you for showing love to them. :)

Terri - posted on 01/07/2010

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I so understand!!! He says to me that he has worked 10 hours (like I've been sitting on MY butt all day!) and wants some "down" time! I have a eight yr old and twin six month old boys (whom I breastfeed!) and I can't seem to remember my head! So I'm in your boat too!

Sheryl - posted on 01/07/2010

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i have been fight my husbend on this for almost 6 years. even before i had the kids! he'll do them every once in a blue moon. i really wont a dish washer! i think it would make life better. if you can i would look into getting one. if not i would try what i do. i till him your days off you can clean dishes. other days i will wash them. hope that helps some. good luck!

Shandy - posted on 01/07/2010

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i feel the same, i feel like i'm always cleaning and taking care of kids......

Sarah - posted on 01/07/2010

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my man will pick up after himself, or clean, only when we have company comin over. once in awhile ill start cleanin & he will jump right in. but when it comes to dishes he makes the excuse "i can't stand there that long"..and so on. so usually what happens is ill do most of the dishes & ask/have him do the pots & pans. with just two of us right now there isnt much dishes.. but after a long weekend theres a pile. I'd ask him to do some & you do some..

Ashe - posted on 01/07/2010

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My fiance' won't do anything around the house. He complains about his 40 hours a week, and says since I'm home all day, I should be able to get everything done by myself.. Meanwhile, if baby's up 14 hours a day, that means I have a 98 hour week just taking care of her! After doing the math, I might end up kicking him in the balls when he gets home>:(

Lili - posted on 01/07/2010

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Re: Michelle Neal
Boundaries are definitely necessary. However, each husband, wife and marriage are very different. Thus, each circumstance must be evaluated and treated individually. Life is sweeter when we are.

Christina,
Play your cards right and your husband will love your socks off. My husband just blessed me with a two and a half carat 20 year anniversary ring. Choose your battles wisely and enjoy your new position. Set your boundaries but don't be to ridged or you might break. Peace to you. :)

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