Thoughts...

Leeann - posted on 09/27/2011

the only thing i ask of my husband is to set the table every now and then, do the dishes when i'm busy with the kids. or help me give our son his meds (he's on four at the moment). we have three children and sometimes i need help, but most of the time he does what he pleases. and for Me i'm fine with that. he works hard has enough stress i wont add to that. but if he wants to help me out from time to time i'm fine with that. when he asks all you'll see is me running out the door to get some fresh air and five minutes to my self lol.

Laura - posted on 09/12/2010

Now reading all the other posts I feel I need to clarify mine. When my husband comes home from work, NO responsibilites are shared....on weekends when he has off he just lays around on the computer or watching TV. Even then everything is on me which is quite difficult. I just recently stopped working at a job I'd been at for 8 years, and getting that paycheck and praise is wonderful. I think some men need to realize that we aren't just sitting home watching Maury all day, and that we need some down time as well.

Jodi - posted on 09/12/2010

My mom was a SAHM and I grew up in a very gender role oriented house. My dad came home to a hot meal every night, never cleared the table, did dishes, cleaned, laundry, cooked or anything. My mom had to ask for money for grocery shopping or for anything, my dad took care of all the manly stuff, cars, bills, fixing things etc etc. Weird thing was, I saw my mom fixing the toilet or the sink, doorknobs or what not ALL the time, she taught me how to change my oil AND change the tires on my car when I got my license. She taught us to be self sufficient, strong women who didn't "need" a man to survive.
Now, my daughter sees me fixing the cars and daddy doing the dishes, other nights, daddy fixes a leaky faucet while mommy folds the laundry. We want her to see that gender roles are unneccesary and sharing the responsibilties makes for a better relationship. I can't wait to see what she grows up to be like, she has a play kitchen AND a tool center along with dolls and cars, she plays with all equally. Some might say she's a tomboy, I say she's well rounded.

Laura - posted on 09/12/2010

I swear you can read my mind! Taking care of the kids is a job enough, but throw in the cooking, cleaning, and laundry and it wears you out. Unfortunately my husband feels he works, so the house/kids/etc is my job......and I do feel VERY unappreciated!

Summer - posted on 09/10/2010

My husband helps after he's worked all day comes home and has his "cool down " period! Tonight he made grilled cheese sandwhiches. I cook most of the time but... i'm a chef. I homeschool and clean.. but I do it cause I want a clean house and smart kids... not because I have to and not because my husband won't. I believe that a husband is the other half of a wife. If i'm having a crudy day, my hubby tries to pick up the slack. Its taken us a few years to get into our grove and yes we have our ups and downs... but we have figured out that we need to be there for each other to co-exist.

Shawna - posted on 09/10/2010

Well I been a stay home mom since i was 18 and now im 20 having another kid and I feel good about it well right now bc my hunny is going to school for law enforcement that reminds me I got to start picking up my house before he gets home at 5pm

Jonie - posted on 09/10/2010

I think you hit the nail on the head.

Amy - posted on 09/10/2010

I agree completely! This is exactly how it should be! Not sure why some men think that their job is all they have to do, guess they will never understand. It should be shared and both should be willing to help when the other is exausted. But what happens when we both get exausted??

Melissa - posted on 09/09/2010

oh and i agree with doing my part and keeping the house clean but my man works from home and makes it hard to keep up with things...he is not so good at picking up after himself! so for him to sa he needs me to do more..uugghh!lol!

Melissa - posted on 09/09/2010

OMG i just got in a huge argument with my husband...he said he needs me to do more around the house! oh no i was not happy about that comment! i leave him home for a few hrs and he cant even keep up with our LOs schedule! oh and he is always planning a night or two for himself to do things and i am expected to be a babysitter! I have cut him off and stopped doing as much as i used to around the house! last night he had plans and i purposly went out for the first time in a ver long tome, and did not come home in time for him to do his thing! Im not a maid or a babysitter! Im a great mom and want to be a great wife...but it is hard with no appreciation or respect for my time.

KEISHA - posted on 09/09/2010

well sweetie only thing i can say if u r not the bread winner well u should be kind enough to do the chores take care the kids because the money have to be made so to meet that partner half way do not make it hard on the other half just do ur part and it will work out that the least u can do keep a clean home and take care the kid its not hard its all about u

Hope - posted on 09/09/2010

Well, my husband works two jobs to provide for us so that I can stay at home and take care of our son. The way I see it, he does so much and works really hard, so the least I can do is keep the house clean. I enjoy being able to provide a clean and happy home for my family. My husband is always willing to help out when he can and he never complains or is critical if some days I just don't feel like cleaning. Plus, he should be able to come home and spend time with our son, which is much more important to me than him cleaning. I don't mind if most days I do everything, because it's my way of providing for him. As for cooking, my husband is a professional chef, so he cooks all day, every day. I like to be able to give him a break when he's home, it's not like my son takes every second of my time so it's not hard. And my husband is always very appreciative and also does a lot of cooking at home for us (which I love!). The bottom line is, it probably depends on what kind of person you are, how you handle multi-tasking, and how supportive your husband is. But, that's just my opinion. I am the type of person that loves taking care of my home and family, I take pride in it. I don't just look at it like it's my job, to me it's a privilege, not every woman has that opportunity to stay home. I'm very thankful for that!

Amanda - posted on 09/08/2010

My husband is a medical student, so I have to do all the housework, shopping and cooking. We only have one son, 15 months. I am currently going to school to, but I would never want to reverse the roles!

Ashley - posted on 09/08/2010

Well in my household the chores are split down the middle. My husband works for 8 hours a day while I play and teach our 14 month old things. If I went to work everyday, the chores would of been split. Well my child is my job!
Kayla I think you should talk to your BF about how you feel. Good Luck!

Claire - posted on 09/08/2010

Hahaha, I agree! Boo, cleaning! When my baby takes a nap, I wanna do something that I wanna do!

Keysha - posted on 09/08/2010

i take care of my kids but my fiance cooks supper and he helps me keep the house picked up he even helps with the kids wen he gets off

Kylie - posted on 09/08/2010

oh this is to true, i told my husband, my job is the kids, if the toehr stuff gets done, good, if not it's something you can to when you get home, i work hard and am tired too!

Jennifer - posted on 09/08/2010

I am a stay at home and no I'm not a slave. My husband works full-time but we do share the chores 50/50. Perhaps you should negotiate sharing the cleaning!

Tiffany - posted on 09/08/2010

I think I am very lucky that I get to stay at home and raise my son myself. It is awesome that my Hubby works so hard to support us and pay our bills all on his own. I try to have the house clean every day when he gets home, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. He doesn't expect it at all. I also do all of the cooking and serve him his meals. I think I take over all of the responsibilities in the home because I really am grateful for him taking care of the rest. It's the least I can do.

Amber - posted on 09/08/2010

I do most of the work within the home because my husband is working at least 60 hours a week. It's hard on him because of the long hours, he's out in the elements the entire time, plus he has quite a commute home. I am deeply grateful that he is working so hard to provide for our family so I feel that it's my responsibility to keep up the home. If he were treating me like a slave, he would certainly know about it but he doesn't. When he is home on the weekends (not often), he does cook some dinners (and he is an AMAZING cook!), plus bathe the youngest babies, etc. He has his moments where he is a tad lazy but I try not to ride his rear about it; I recall how hot and humid it is outside and he's working so hard out in it, while I am comfy in the AC and that is enough to back me down.
Take everything slowly; don't feel pressured to keep a "perfect" home. The kind of Mothers that keep a house like that aren't devoting the time that is needed to their children.

Stifler's - posted on 09/08/2010

I think mums put pressure on themselves to clean all day etc. Like they are justifying their existence and the fact that they are not doing paid work. I don't believe I have to have the house spotless and if time doesn't allow for things my partner has no right to say anything. I'm a mother to my son and it'd cost us more as a family for me to pay daycare and go to work.

Suzi - posted on 09/08/2010

I think i'm very lucky my partner is ace, he goes to work and then the cleanin in shared, i'm the stay at home mum, but the child care is shared, the housework is shared, and i get pampered! maybe i'm spoiled?? spose its just finding a middle ground x x

Pj - posted on 09/07/2010

I totally agree with Erica. I pick a room or two a day and clean them and i also do laundry during the day while my daughter is sleeping. I want her to live in a clean environment and with me being home i dont see why i cant do these things. My husband does help with the cleaning and laundry when he is home as well with no complaints. The way i see it is hes working all day and I know myself it would be nice to come home to a half cleaned house and plus I feel better when its cleaned anyways.

Bethia - posted on 09/07/2010

I think that is a good idea. that is how a lot of men still perseve us women as. so it is up to us to show them that they can help just as much as us. i did this by making my boyfriend take care of my son from 2-4 months old. this way he could see how hard it is just to take care of a child all day long. so now he is out working. while i stay at home.

Sal - posted on 09/07/2010

I have noticed lately that people say (here in Australia anyway) " i don't work outside the home" instead of "at home mum" and i guess that about sums it up for me, i don't really love house work but there are parts of my hubbies job he isn't in love with either, and i feel that if i want the time my hubby and i have together (he is also a shift worker, this includes nights every week and around half of all weekends) enjoyable and have some down time i try and get as much as i can done while he is at work, when he has days off we both get into the house work/ child minding so we can relax and enjoy our time, fighting over chores is a chore in it's self.... oh by the way i don't mow the lawn, anything but that is fair game...

Erica - posted on 09/07/2010

I understand the swing shift my husband also works swing shift. It totally sux. Could the rotating be causing him to be over tired? When Joe get's off nights he is totally exahusted and I send him to bed early or let him sleep in the next day which totally improves his mood. I hope you and your bf can work things out to where both of you are happy and appreciate eachother.

Carolee - posted on 09/07/2010

What was posted in the OP is the agreement that my husband and I have. I take care of the kids while he's at work. When he gets home, we share the cooking, cleaning, and childcare duties.

Kayla - posted on 09/07/2010

Erica- I cant work because we only have one car and my bf works swing shift so its pretty much impossible... being a SAHM is truly a blessing and im totally happy doing it..but i'd rather work..
and Kelly- I used to show him appreciation all the time but he didnt return the favor so i just stopped..And, i've told him a billion times i need help.. and when i ask him specifically to do something he just says "hold on i cant pause this ill do it in just a second..." then never does it!!! But, i just dont think hes a family man...
But anyway, thats a whole nother story... i was just saying my thoughts ya know...

Kelly - posted on 09/07/2010

I don't think anyone meant to offend you, I hope we didn't...



Maybe you *should* get a job. I have been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. I feel very blessed and thankful that my husband's job allows me to be a sahm, but not everyone likes to stay home. A nanny can do the cleaning and child care while you are at work. We had a housekeeper and a nanny, but you can save money by hiring a housekeeper who will do some of the housekeeping if money is an issue. I think a lot of people think that a mom is less of a mom if she works outside the home, but I don't agree with that--do what makes YOU happy and your family will be happy.



That said, parts of your last post put up some red flags.

"i dont give him appreciation and he dont give me any..."

Why should he appreciate you if you don't appreciate him? I think that is kind of mean. I mean, I'd be pretty upset if my husband didn't appreciate what I do for him, and I'm pretty sure he'd feel pretty crappy if I didn't appreciate him.



"he goes to work, comes home and watches tv... he might cook and play with son...but other than that nothing...so if he came home and HELPED then maybe itll be a different story... maybe.... guess ill never kno..."

What else do you want him to do? I know that sounds simple, but often men do not realize we need help unless we actually specifically ask for it right then when we need it. Like, if I am cooking and our son has a diaper blow out, my husband will not change it unless I ask him to, so I say "hun, please change J's diaper, I am cooking." Let's him know what I need, and why I am not able to do it myself.



Hope this helps, and hope you find some balance.

Erica - posted on 09/07/2010

Kayla it sounds to me that you aren't in a situation you want to stay in. This relationship between man and woman should be a partnership you sound like it's two roomates living together. So why not go out and find a job? If that is where you'd rather be then do it. find a sutible daycare for you child and go out and make you happy. It's a true statement that "if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy". So go make your self happy and things will fall into place. But you should deff be in a relationship where your son see equal respect and love from both partners. I'm sorry you feel trapped this isn't for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that!

Katrina - posted on 09/07/2010

I honesty dont mind doing stuff around the house, cause it gives me stuff to do when my sons sleeping, plus i know its gotta get done sometime so why not just do it! I know what helps for me is doing little bit here an their but still make time for you cause thats very important...you cant be happy if all you do is wok 24/7 unless you like to do that but still after awhile you will get tired and frustated...so take time for yourself every once in awhile and yes i do agree the men should help out sometimes around the house especially if they dont gotta work that day or if they come home early. i think the housework is supposed to me team work but also gotta remember the guys are always working and trying to make monoey to put food on the table and a roof over our heads! the nice thing we could do is clean the house

Lucy - posted on 09/07/2010

Maybe I'm spoilt here, but that IS how it works in my house!

Of course, mess that me and the kids make in the day, I deal with, and all directly related kid stuff like day time cooking, grocery shopping, running them around to ballet, play school etc, But the main house work like evening meal, cleaning kitchen/bathroom, taking out the rubbish, vacuuming etc are shared between myself and my husband.

When I worked full time outside of the home before we had the babies, we shared the house work, so why should that change now I still work full time but in the house with the babies? It's called a partnership, after all!

Kayla - posted on 09/07/2010

I mean,yeah, if you both treat each other as equals but me and my bf are the very opposite... his is his and mine is mine...i dont give him appreciation and he dont give me any...
he goes to work, comes home and watches tv... he might cook and play with son...but other than that nothing...so if he came home and HELPED then maybe itll be a different story... maybe.... guess ill never kno...

And about the whole "so i CAN stay at home" comments... i honestly would RATHER have a job... i'm only 19 and have only worked a job about 1 year my whole life.. and i LOVED the feeling of being on my own and paying my way and now i feel like im being taken care of again and i HATE that feeling...
and another thing is that i wanna see who will clean and cook and stuff if both of us had jobs!!!!!

Kelly - posted on 09/07/2010

I'm with Erica and Kellie. I consider us equals in our marriage, in possessions and in responsibilities. Our son belongs to both of us, and we both love our time with him, thus, hubby helps take care of our son while he is home--HELPS take care, not "takes over the care" of him.
So, caring for our son is split between us. Hubby works outside the home all day to make $$, pay our bills, and all that. I work inside our home all day keeping it clean, stocked, and all that. If he is expected to clean, take care of our son AND work outside our home, and I am only expected to clean, and take care of our son, that would not be equal responsibility--I would need to get a job.
I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound bad....

Candice - posted on 09/07/2010

Not sure about in other countries but SAHM job classification in Australia on forms we fill in is actually called a "homemaker'. I guess thats about right...cook, clean, look after children, wash hubby's work clothes, cook for him, dishes etc etc. Sometimes I feel underappreciated but then my husband tells me he does too but I think how in the hell can I do all that and have much more to give because I feel I give A LOT! I think he is lucky in the sense he can walk away from this house for 10hours a day, only to worry about his job and providing for us, but I'm stuck at home trying to time management, do jobs, try to do something for myself (which at the moment is probably jumping on the net), etc etc all the stuff we all do. But at the end of the day I have no hard feelings towards him because he pays the bills and loves me and my son to the moon and back and we love him back too :-)

Kellie - posted on 09/06/2010

Juggling all the responsibilities can be daunting when the children are infants, but things get easier as they get older.

I totally agree with Erica. My husband works really hard so that I can stay at home with our daughter and I feel I am showing my appreciation by keeping the house clean and allowing him down time when he gets home. What's so great is because I do this he is more willing to help out with the dinner dishes or giving our daughter a bath. He sees how much I do during the day and helping me at night is how he shows his appreciation. Attitude can go along way and when I have a grateful attitude, he is all the more inspired to help.

Erica - posted on 09/06/2010

Why is it that most the posts I read in this community are women complaining about all they have to do b/c their husbands won't? No we aren't slaves or housewives but part of caring for our children is raising them in a clean home. Our men go out and work so very hard so we CAN stay home and care for our children and put food in our mouths. If we didn't have them we couldn't afford to stay home. What's wrong with picking 1 - 2 rooms a day and cleaning them and doing Laundry while the little ones are sleeping? You just have to learn when to stop and be done for the day!

K - posted on 09/06/2010

Well personally, when my partner is home I expect him to take over a lot of kid duties - not cause I need a break (but I do too!) but just so they get time together.

As for cooking and cleaning, I expect that he does some of it buuuuuut I do do most of it. I like to cook for him and I know he works REALLY hard for us and would much rather be at home than out of town or working 12 hour days. It's all about balance though, so when his work load is less I expect more from him at home.

I'm lucky and feel my partner doesn't often leave me feeling under appreciated. Some times I feel frustrated I can't contribute more in terms on making some money... not that my daughter isn't frustrating at times, I just feel there's a lot of pressure for my husband to pay all our bills and no amount of cooking or cleaning is going to help that cause.