Unbearable mother in law!

Jenna - posted on 05/11/2010

You and your husband have to stand up to her. All of that behavior is unacceptable and is she contiues to do that then maybe you need start restricting her time with your child.

Kelly - posted on 11/06/2009

My mother in law has kicked my daughter away, told her she was "big" as in obese (because I am overweight, and she knows it bothers me)...( my daughter wears a size 4 slim), told her that she was suppose to be born a boy, bought her boy clothes on more than one occasion, buys her boy toys for christmas presents birthdays. My mother in law is evil. I swear it. And she has pushed me and my husband so far away that we might talk 4-5 times a year. I have an 8 yr old step-son that refuses to be left alone with her because of how mean she is to his little sister. Needless to say...she is not allowed to be left alone with me or my kids...my husband has to be there or we leave. I beleive that when mothers of men find out they are not the most important woman in their son's life anymore...they go insane. They would rather their own sons be miserable (and feeling caught in the middle) than just be happy that he is happy.

Latisa - posted on 11/06/2009

WOW you have it hard! I will pray for you. however I agree with some of the other people who replied. She is too much into your life. You and your husband have to put a stop to this! Put her in her place and tell her to back off. Really when your child gets older he might be scarred if you do not stop this now. Why is she like this? doesn't she have her own life? I have a grandmother like that. So it is not just MIL's believe me.
I hate to say this, but after you talk to her and she still does not calm down you will have to avoid her until she gets the message. And if you can find her a hobby or something. If she is not married, find her a boyfriend or something. She needs to find her own life. As for doctor appts, Tell the docs no visitors unless its your husband really. That right there is too much for me, I would of told her right there to please leave. You are not being unreasonable in this. Try to be polite at first but speak your mind girl really!!!!

Katelyn - posted on 11/06/2009

i know what you are going through i have a MIL from hell... she is a lying crazy pain in my ass... Although she never use to be we were really close in fact i lived with my in-laws for 2 years and she was a great grandmother for the first year of my oldest daughter life she used to take her out and she was a great friend to me but when my daughter was 1 1/2 and i had just married her son.... she decided a week later that she was going to leave her husband my father in law and everything changed she was try to reclaim some sort of youth or something... she went off the handle and has gone through about 4 men in the past year moving in with them and everything ...just after i gave birth to my second child she disappeared from our family and didn't see my children for 6 mths and the only reason she tried to see them is because her father came back into town soo she had to look like a good mother and grandmother... she started making up shit about me to the people i work with and work for i had my work calling me and questioning me about things she said it was horrible she was also tell people stories about my children and things that they did even though she hadn't seen them in 6 mths.. she started calling our house and trying to get a rise out of her son accusing him of never letting her see her grandchildren and stuff... I stopped taking her phone calls and i try not to see her ... not even her son can stand her in fact he has dissociated himself with her (she has never been much of a mother to him).... I have told her where to shove it on more then one occasion i even had to ask her to leave my daughters b-day party because she showed up with her live in b/f of 6 mths and his kids introducing them as her step-daughters and forcing my youngest out of my fathers hands.... you have to tell her to back off or it will only get worse ... put you foot down... as well you should talk to your husband and make sure he knows exactly how you feel.
here's a little tip it worked for me: Lock your doors!
hope it get better for you!

Stephanie - posted on 11/06/2009

All the posts I have seen are great advice - I went through one of the worst situations of my life when my daughter was born, in that my MIL did not seem to respect anything I was doing with my daughter and when I tried to talk about it with her, I was flat out told I was a horrible mother and she could not support anything I was doing in raising my daughter. At that moment, I stopped trying to please her and just said if my wishes as a parent could not be respected and supported, then unfortunately she was not able to spend time with her granddaughter. My husband supported this and we did not speak to her for a month. She eventually apologized for "hurting my feelings" but never for the things she said. Over the past year and a half, our relationship has gotten SO much better, and she is a wonderful Nana and once again a good friend to me. I think it is common for grandparents to go a bit crazy when a new baby comes, because they want to be so involved and "re-live" what they once had. BUT they HAVE to respect you as the parent and realize they aren't running the show anymore. So my advice to you is STAND YOUR GROUND and tell this woman to back off - when she "grabs" your child out of your hands and says you need sleep - DO NOT LET HER. This is your child and as far as I am concerned, NO ONE should be just walking in and taking them. What message does that send to your child? You don't have to be as rude as she is - politely say "No thank you, I have had plenty of sleep, but I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Your Doctor appts - why does she know when they are to show up? Just don't tell her. TAKE CONTROL of your life and stop giving her so much of it. When she asks when your next appt is, say you will have to get back to her. She should eventually get the message, and if she doesnt and confronts you, politely tell her you are the parent and as nice as it is for her to want to help, you are fine going to your childs appointments alone or with your husband. If she gets upset, so be it. She WILL get over it, I am proof of that. There are also articles out there for grandparents, about respecting your children as adults and as parents, that maybe your husband might want to give her, or you. If you want her to change, you will HAVE to start standing up for yourself. Good luck!

Nichol - posted on 11/05/2009

I HATE MY MIL SHES TREATED ME LIKE SHIT SINCE DAY 1! FOR NO REASON SHE SAYS I THINK IAM TOO GOOD FOR EVERYONE CAUSE I DONT DO DRUGS LIKE HER AND THE OTHERS,WHAT A JOKE!

Rika - posted on 11/04/2009

I really fell your pain ... I have the same experience. Becoming a full time mom, is not my 1st choice ... but when I learn t that I have MMIL, I really need to make that choice. I took every suggestion I've got ... and its not work at all ...
just want you to know ... I have another friend (mom) like us - with MIL issue - but her's it worst, because her husband always do what his mother told him ... and not supporting her at all ... So It's a good thing to have your husband on your side ... so you can face it together ...
Good luck ... my heart goes out to you ...

Tanya - posted on 11/04/2009

Just tell your MIL that if she doesn't stop being a bitch, that she will not be able to have a relationship with her Grandbabies. It is not something that she deserves at this point, it is something that is earned, which she is NOT earning right now. Yeah, stand up for yourself. It is the only way you are going to get any respect from her.

Danelle - posted on 10/24/2009

My MIL is bad enought that we are concidering moving. My husband gets yelled at by her on almost a daily basis because we are ''keeping" her granddaughter away from her even though we have invited them out several times just to have them call back and tell us NO. I have learned to avoid them at all costs unless there is already a time limit on their visit. I have asked my husband numerous times to talk to her about it but everytime he tries she turns everything around on him and starts crying and yelling at him. They have called me several nasty names and have now learned to just keep my mouth shut. I have to remember that I am the mommy and what I say goes and if she doesn't like it she can bugger off!! The moment my husband gets a job somewhere else we are gone and they can be once a year visitors. We let her baby sit Kaydee once for only 3 hours and she let our daughter cry herself to sleep when our daughter was just really hungry. I was so angry that that was the last time they will be around her alone.

Heather - posted on 10/24/2009

I am sorry to hear that you have such an overbearring mil! I agree with most of the other suggestions! But one thing that i would suggest is that you get a babysitter out of the house for one afternoon and you and your husband invite her to your house, so that you can control the situation, and have a serious sit down conversation with her.



Put your foot down and tell her how her behavior is affecting you and your family, her included. Let her know that if she can not start behaving like the adult she is and respecting your wishes, then there will be consequences. If she gets angry and starts throwing a temper tantrum, tell her that is what you are talking about and if she wishes to continue to act that way than she can leave YOUR house, and not come back until she can act accordingly. Let her know that this also means that you will not be going to her house. Which means that she wont be seeing you, your husband or her grandchild. It is her behavior that is causing this, not you.



I hope that this helps, and things get better for you.

Sheila - posted on 10/24/2009

I definatley say try to talk things over with her. You don't want your son "not" to know his grandmother. I started dating my husband Aug 3rd and by Sept 20th she was killed in a car accident hit by a drunk driver. She did not get to see the wedding or the birth of our B/G twins, their first words, steps, first holidays and the list goes on. I never got the chance to have a MIL. Life is too short... these situations put DH and children in the middle and since they love both of you it is so hard on them.. my SIL would also get upset when my mom would call her self mom. (shhh... it's ok mommy's got you) I spoke with my mom on this and you know what.. grandma is a new role. They have been mom so long, it's just a slip and not meant to hurt anyone. Like my mom said she KNOWS she is grandma, but it's a habit and in time she broke the habit. I guess I would take a monster in law any day over nothing at all :(

Caitlin - posted on 10/23/2009

You are not alone...trust me. While I was pregnant with my son, I kept getting "so how much weight have you gained so far?" and now that my son is born, I feel like she is mauling him...or squishing him. She always has to be all over him, and put in her input, which I don't really want. And to top it off, she is always calling him "her baby" or "her little guy". It drives me nuts! I am still trying to figure out how to deal with it myself, but if you find anything out, please let me know! My husband and I are ready to leave the state to get away from her!

Lisa - posted on 10/23/2009

I know everyone here is saying that you need to "stand up for yourself." Here are some ideas:

1. Stop going over without hubby. If that cuts down on visits, it's not the end of the world. If she starts flinging insults, don't let her see that it is bothering you, but (Oops!) the baby's getting tired. Time to go home!

2. Stop letting her babysit. Don't let her be in a "control" position in your life until she calms down. Don't tell her why. Just take the baby with you, get the name of a local teen (from the red cross or your church), or trade sitting services with another mom/friend. If she asks why, just shrug your shoulders and say something like, "Oh, I didn't want to bother you."

3. Cut WAY down on the personal information you share. No more telling about Doctor's appointments or even being very particular with your plans. She has far too much access to your private life. If she wants to know why she hasn't seen you lately, give her your best smile and say, "Things have been so crazy!" then change the subject. Stick to general topics when you talk. If she asks personal questions, give a vague answer and swerve back to generalities.

4. You are going to have to practice making your Mommy face at her for the times when she steps over the line in public. Practice in the mirror. We all do it! Then pick a sort of Mommy-ish scolding comeback and don't be afraid to whip it out! Try this (I always raise an eyebrow and give a sort of mock-astonished grin when I do this - it works for teenaged kids, too!), "Mary (her name, of course)! What a thing to say! You are just EVIL today! (Then turn to your unfortunate listeners with a big smile) I just can't take her anywhere!" Then change the subject! You will be amazed at the scolding you can give her as long as you have a big smile on your face.

5. If she has a key to the house, change the locks. You don't need to confront her if you don't feel comfortable doing so. Tell her that the old one was broken and you don't have any spares just now and you'll get her one when you get around to remembering. (Remember, you are SOOO busy these days!) Then don't.



If you have to be in a power struggle, take your power back. When you limit the visits, information, etc. she is going to instinctively sweeten up to lure you back. You won't have to be with her all the time and she'll be nicer when you are.

Hannah - posted on 10/22/2009

Holy Shit, woman! Tell this lady that if she has any desire to see her grandson she will behave towards him and you on the guidelines that you lay out. If your husband is avoiding his mother and not helping you in the matter you have the right to tell her to chill the fuck out. If you hate being around her because she is being insane lay out some boundaries! Make it clear you will not bother yourself bringing the grandson over unless she can be a decent person.

Kristina - posted on 10/22/2009

Your MIL obviously is in deperate need for attention from not only you and your husband, but everyone else ,and she is getting it by using you and your husband as the center of it all. Unfortunately it is not only going to be affecting you and your husband, but your children. The older they get the harder it will be. Remind her (openly) when she is acting out that WHEN you want HER opinion raising and or having your children you will inform her. Otherwise, step back and be a grandma while she can. If she asks what you mean by that tell her that she has absolutely no control over your family, and if she wants to be a role model for her grandchildren and her own son than she needs to give the repect she is lacking. And I would not be quiet about it either. I would have your husband reafirm this in front of everyone. Be as tactful as can be and don't bat an eye. She will miss out if she so chooses to, but you will always have the priviledge of raising your beautiful children and you will not let any one person stand in your way of enjoying this most precious gift in your life. Empower yourself! If you don't no one else will. Good luck!

Christina - posted on 10/22/2009

Well obviously you are definately not the only one, and thank you for posting your message because I have had the same problems!!!!!

My mother in law and I were too great friends until my step daughter came to live with us and I Became the Mother and also gave birth to my other daughter. She got visitation rights over my step daughter (twice a week) and pretty much took control of her, and pretty much left the new baby out, definately favored my step daughter over the new baby.

She felt intimidated that I was in charge and I was the mother. And of coarse my husband never would choose my side since he never wanted to anger his mother.

It got the point where she didn't want me in her home so christmas she just wanted my stepdaughter and husband which of coarse I wouldnt allow.

Long story short... There's been talking times theres been not talking times... The best way to get through this is Your Husband since he is her Son! He needs to stand up for you if he doesn't than you won't ever have a good relationship with her again.

When my husband stood up for me to my MIL things went my way, which is the right way. When he didn't stand up for me she and I never talked and things went her way.

As of right now, my husband is playing it both ways so we see each other but we dont talk like we use to and she still has once every two weeks visitation with my daughters without me there. ehh

but definately need to get the hubby to fix things!

Melissa - posted on 10/22/2009

Goodness! One thing you have to remeber is that you are the mom in this situation and your rule is the rule. If she can't abide by the rules then she can't see him anymore. Being blunt about it is the only way to go and be tough and remeber your doing a great job. Most likely she will come around if she wants to see her grandchildren.

Jane - posted on 10/22/2009

your husband needs to lay down the law. politely keep out of it and put the responsibility back on him. once they're on good terms or lay out the terms, then she can see the baby when it is good for you. if she complains, just tell her that you are being a supportive wife and don't want to go behind his back.

my mil and i had it out once i started breastfeeding - turns out due to language barriers, she was given the pill to dry up her breastmilk and didn't know it. so she thought she couldn't do it and thinks nobody can. once my husband stepped up, things changed. just keep out of it b/c you don't want to burn those bridges. once you do have a 2nd baby, you will need her to come and watch them so you can shower or take one so you can spend time w/the other one. and they are important relationships for your kids to have w/her.

don't worry about stirring up problems - these are her issues, not yours. no matter who he married, she'd be doing the same things.

hang in there and get his ass in gear for his family!

Jennifer - posted on 10/21/2009

Wow! I feel so bad for you, and I thought that I had trouble with my MIL. I would try talking to her, laying out the consequences of her actions. Asking her to not undermine your authority, etc....and if she does she doesn't get to see her grandchild. I would definitely get the support of your husband and talk to her together. Her actions are unbelievable, and I wouldn't have put up with it for that long! Way to go Mommy.

Megan - posted on 10/21/2009

you should first talk to your man about the problem, see if he can/or will help. then you need to let her know who is boss in your home and with your kid. my mom is this way with me she ran all over me & my love life. till one day very bluntly i let her know i was a big girl and could handle thing on my own. it helps if you and you guy are on the same page and together on the whole "putting your foot down issue", either way it needs to happen. it made my life better during my pregnancy and now being a mom.

Dana - posted on 10/21/2009

I agree you should stop taking him to visit and make your husband put his foot down. I have a kind of opposite situation where my mil NEVER comes around but constantly whines that she never gets to see the kids. (We live about 5 miles away from each other) I had a big conversation with her about it and thought everything was straightened out but she still doesn't come. I told her I didn't think it was solely my responsibility to make sure my children's grandparents saw them and she was welcome to come out any time she wanted to see them but she doesn't. Just whines about it to everyone. It seems like if it's not one problem it's another. Good luck!

Amy - posted on 10/21/2009

tell you MIL you've been trying for a year to conceive but the doctor says your husband has low sperm count and you aren't able to have any more children....maybe that will shut her up.

Jocelyn - posted on 10/21/2009

Quoting Cynthia:

Unbearable mother in law!

I need some advice from "seasoned professionals!" LOL I have had numerous problems with my MIL since my son was born 2 1/2 years ago. We used to be best friends that did everything together, and talked to each other over everything. Now since I had my son, every time she overrules my authority with him, and I speak to her about it., she yells and screams at me about things that aren't even relevant to the situation. Once when babysitting him , she even dressed him in a dress after she had told me she wouldn't. (she knew how much that bothered me) Needless to say, we have had major problems since. She insists on going to Dr's appts and everything. When I was pregnant with him, my husband would take me to the doctor, I'd be on the examining table and suddenly the door would open and she's come in. I mean it's ridiculous. She has very rudely, been bugging my husband and I about having another baby since he was about 6 months old. (We got pregnant with him 2 moths after being married and she was already complaining about us "waiting so long" to make her a Gramma) When I got pregnant with him, we told our parents immediately , but asked them not to tell anyone until we were ready. She had told everyone we know within a week, and sometimes when I was standing right there to remind her that we didn't want people to know yet. It has made my life unbearable at times. When I first cam home from the hospital, she would show up at my house, with my very annoying bro in law in tow, and take the baby away from me, "so I could sleep!" Now, my husband and I have been trying to conceive a 2nd child for about 4 months, but we aren't telling her. In the meantime, she keeps making comments, sometimes downright mean ones, about me being "too good" too have any more kids. The other day she informed me in front of an embarrassing amount of people, that by the time that I finally decide to have another baby, kids wont even need to wear diapers anymore, as technology will be so far advanced! I cant take anymore! She is making my life so miserable. It makes me apprehensive about even having another one. I want a baby so bad, but I'm worried that it will stir up even more of these problems! I am at a loss to even know how to begin to deal with these issues. My husband is getting so he avoids even going to his parent's house because she drives him so insane. That leaves me solely responsible for taking their only grandchild tovisit. Can someone tell me, am I the only one with a "monster mother in law?" Am I being unreasonable feeling this way? Any ideas on how to deal with it? At this point even knowing that other people have MIL problems too will make me feel better! :)

Just stop taking him to visit!  Don't allow her into your house either until she changes her ways.  She is not your mother and you don't deserve to be treated like a child.  When you do get pregnant again, just tell her you are getting fat.  If she is going to make you feel bad about not having another child already, then imo she doesn't deserve to know when you DO get preggers.

I wish you the best of luck!

Cynthia - posted on 10/21/2009

I want to thank all of you ladies for your kind and helpful suggestions, and words of encouragement! It definitely feels better to know that I am not alone, that other people have had MIL issues to.She always turns it around to look like I'm the problem, and I've gotten enough "other opinions" to finally let myself believe otherwise! Thanks you so much!

Kyle - posted on 10/21/2009

Ooohhh yo have much more patience than i do and I admire you for that but i agree that she needs to know where she falls in your family. I would tell her no more unannounced visit and no more bringing company unless you okay it. and if she continues to stop by unannounced then i would politly tell her you have plans and she needs to leave and set up a time to come back. If she can't respect that than she can just stay home period. as for your husband, don't let him wiggle out of visiting his mother with the kids, she is his mother not yours.

Roberta - posted on 10/21/2009

Wow girl, I have a monster in law too, mine isn't quite as insane as yours! Why are you putting up with her crap? Why are you making it your responsibility to take your child over to visit her? It is your husband's mom, it is his responsibility to take the lead. You and hubby need to stop sharing info. like dr. appt's and the moment you get a positive pregnancy test etc... That stuff is deeply personal only to be shared with those you trust, and obviously you can't trust your monster in law!!! And since when is it anyone's business if you want/should have/are trying to conceive again????? Stop feeling obligated to inform her or answer her or share with her, it is your right and your choice, not your obligation because she is your husband's mother. She needs to earn that trust back, and it doesn't sound like she is. She has no right to expect anything other than what she is giving... And you and hubby need to be united with him taking the lead because it is his family, and you need to establish boundaries and stick to them.

Good luck girl, be strong and get rid of the stress/monster in law!

Tammy - posted on 10/21/2009

I have had too many mil issues to list, I think you definitely need to stop the madness now. You have to maintain control of your child and your home and for God's sake, your sanity! Don't wait and let things build into feelings that are irreversible. There's nothing wrong with being firm and assertive, you can bet your mil would never have tolerated this behavior from her mil. Good Luck, In my prayers

Kim - posted on 10/21/2009

Wow! Talk about overbearing MIL! Does your MIL have any other children/grandchildren who she treats this way? If not, you're past due to put your foot down and teach her how you want to be treated. Does she just barge into your house? Change the locks and keep them locked! How did she know when you have a dr appt? Next time, don't tell her. Tell her that is your private time with your husband and let the dr's staff know not to let anyone back to see you. If your husband is avoiding his own mother, then maybe you should too. Don't answer the phone when she calls. If she calls 100 times then let her. Call her back in a few days, tell her you were busy and leave it at that. You need to become very private with her and not tell her anything you don't want the world to know. Sounds like she's a blabber mouth. I also wouldn't worry about some of the rude things she says about you to other people. Chances are her "friends" know her overbearing personality and just ignore half of what she says. Good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 10/21/2009

Your hubby needs to set her straight! If he doesn't have enough guts to do it...you need to sit down with her and your hubby and set the rules. I agree with everyone, you need to speak your mind. The worst that can happen is that she doesn't come around anymore. With a personality like hers, I doubt that will happen. So, who cares how she feels. This is your family. My MIL is a crazy woman too but we have stood up for our family lately and she has backed down. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 10/21/2009

Cynthia,I feel your pain!!!! I have almost gone to blows with my mil!!!!! Amanda is right You are the mommy!!! YOU make the rules in your house with your baby!! Im sorry but if someone took my baby out of my arms I would have thrown her out of my house so fast her head would spin!!! My mil tried to do all of the things that yours is, but I showed her from the begining that I wouldnt tolerate it and I made sure my husband backed me up. I was not going to fight this fight with his mother on my own. I also had my husband talk to her about the things that she was doing. It worked for a while then she started agian but worse. My husband decided not to talk to her for a while and she lost it so we dont talk to her or his family anymore. I had to think about what was best for both of my kids, watching there grandmother be disreaspectful to there mother and the other things that she does or not having anything to do with them. I saw that it would be better for my children not to know them mainly because they tend to be violent when theyre not getting there way. Its sad for my children to not have there grandparents but I am happy with my decision, and we have been really happy not to deal with the drama and the not knowing when they are going to show up and ruin a good day. I am also very lucky to have my wonderful family in my childrens life,and thats all they need is for a happy family who respects,loves and cares for each other. Not one that is based on desreaspect and drama.

Christi - posted on 10/21/2009

definately put your foot down, and tell her why if she cannot respect the both of you, then ignore her for awhile, she sounds a bit afraid that you would not respect her for her input if she had some, so she's going way overboard...she wants to be apart of all of it and is afraid that if she does not interject she will be ignored, so ignoring her may cure her of this cumpulsion. and your husband needs to speak up to her about this....seriously, this could hamper alot in your life, don't let it be the factor in weathor or not you have another child....if she can't respect you for your wants and desires than you have a bigger issue...with her compulsions so to speak, hubby should not avoid he needs to speak his mind or she will continue to interject where she is not wanted....deep breath how sad it is to interject so much is he (husband) only child??? she may have issues with this) also let her know that she is upsetting you immediatley ( I appreciate your input but we should talk about this in private) cut her off if you have to. your sanity and his is to preserve with children having extra stressers is not a good thing. (also tell her why you like her so she doesn't take the defensive and say ohhh you hate me whyyyyy type of stuff.. just remember no matter what is going on you are the mother now, and have your own way of doing things with your child.as it should be. and you should be enjoying instead of worring about her...Good luck best wishes easier said then done, but please put your foot down no matter how much you love someone once in awhile its quite ok to say stay out of it.

Frances - posted on 10/21/2009

I also have a monster in law!!! She is driving me nuts!! We are at the point of not answering the phone and trying to avoid her when ever possible. Im due to have our second child in a few weeks And she is still treating me like im a child, she trys to organise my life, and i cant stand it!! Our eldest is 5now and surprisingly i am a good mum, not that she can see it!! Dont bend to her ways. Dont take your child over there if you husband isnt going with you, and when she is upset and bitching tell her to speak to her son. Try keep her as much out of your life as possible till she learns to respect you and your family!! Good luck, my heart goes out to you!

Amanda - posted on 10/21/2009

Ok it is time to put your foot down and stop letting her walk all over you!!!!! YOU are the MOM and your HUSBAND is the DAD, not her. She needs to be put in her place and no where her place is. You have to set boundaries and if she can't play by the rules then she can't play at all. You also need to tell the OB GYN next time around that no one is aloud at your Dr visits except your Husband. You are making your life hell by pleasing her and it is not worth it. Your child will soon see that you are stressed around her and it will make him stressed. Nip it is the bud while you can!!!!!!!!! Trust me on this one!!!!!!!!