Uncapable of being Selfless.

Rachel - posted on 11/15/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )




I am noticing more and more that my fiance will not do anything that does not directly benefit him. This has happened many many times before. It seems as though we have such different personalities. I care about people around me and will do what i can to help them, and he always makes me feel like a piece of garbage for doing it. Example number 1.

My best friend had a huge fight with her g/f ( yes girl girl relationship.... freaked me out a lil at first but i got over it) My friend has to children, a 3 yr old and 10 month old. They were away from the house at the time of this fight. Her g/f smashed everything that was important to her, broke her rather large expensive t.v. all her dishes, empty bottles. Alot of damage happened to the apartment. My friend was extrememly upset and not sure what to do about the situation at the moment. She stated she was going to stay with one of her friends that lived in that town. I offered to take her kids for a couple days, so she could relax and think about what she was going to do. I know sometimes when you r stressed having your kids around you may get frustrated easily. I knew i should have asked my fiance, but he was at work. He works underground in a mine, so calling him is not an option. He also works 12 hour shifts so waiting was not an option, because my friend lives an hour away. I decided to take the kids anyways because they get along with my kids very well and my son would love to have a sleep over. I ended up not taking the baby, but only the 3 yr old. The baby stayed with her dad.

When my fiance got home from work, he saw my friends son and instantly said what the F is he doign here. I told him i would explain it to him when the kids werent around. My son is 4 and loves to repeat things. I talked to my fiance in our room a bit later. I explained the situation and he got so mad. He said that its not my place to take care of them, that she shouldn't put herself in that situation and now we have to deal with her kids because she is an idiot. I was shocked i told him i could not talk to him right then because he was upsetting me. He then said no its fine if your ok with i am ok with. I figured that was that. But then all he did was say snide little comments all night. Like he better not wake me up or i'm gonna be pissed. Hes not even potty trained like wtf. When we went to bed i told him it seems like anything i try to do for someone other than him he get mad. It seems like he can't respect my decisions. He told me he was mad that i did not ask him. How was i suppose to as him?? He was at work all day and there are no phones there. He said she would have drove him to our house after we discussed it.... I told him he was being ridiculous, i was already there and i figured he would be ok with it because i was the one that had to watch them anyways he would be at work all day.

I just don't know if i am over reacting or if he is really that way

Example 2.

My best friends (same as example 1) didnt have enough money to pay her rent one month. Something had happened and she didn't get her mat leave or something. I told her i would talk to my fiance and see if we could lend her the money. He said ok. So we went we lent her the money. I told her not to stress over it to give me half this month and half next month, not to cut herself short. My fiance kept complaing from the time we left her house, until we got the last payment. She better not be at the bar, she better give me that money. If we didn't lend her that money we could have paid for this, and that and that other thing. I told him that if he didn't waste money on useless thing we would have the money for that too. Like the 800$ he wasted on a motorcylce course and all the riding gear, When he doesn't have a motorcycle, and doesn't plan on getting one for 2-3 years.... He stoped complaining but again he would throw these snide little comments is whenever he got the chance. He ever we got short of money, or couldn't afford something he wanted. Needless to say she repayed us, and has nevre asked for money again

I am so sick of getting in a fight because i did something that would directly benefit someone else. I am ok with helping a friend when it is clear he is not. He said i do so many things for her and she never does nothing for me. But fact of the matter is before i was with him she did. Just because i don't ask for her help doesn't mean she wouldn't give it. What he is basically saying is that because i don't get anything in return it is not worth doing? 2 me this is being selfish. I am not this way. i know what it is like to have nothing and i always had my friends to count on. So why should i not help her now she needs my help? Why can't he see this. I hate to ask this but are we to different to make our relationship work, because everytime i do something like this it turns into a big fight. Sometimes i think it would be easier to be single and not fight with him. I want to make it work because i honestly do love him. But why is he so selfish?


View replies by

Lacye - posted on 11/27/2010




My bf is the exact same way! But on the other hand, when it comes to me and our daughter, if we need something, he will get it for us. It's just everybody else that he has issues with. Yes it will drive you insane until the day one of you dies! But that's just how he is. Try asking him why he does those things. Talk to him about it. That's what helped me and my bf a lot!

Hilary - posted on 11/27/2010




It sounds to me like he's jealous of your attention to others, whoever they are, your friends or their kids. Can't explain why that might be the case, but it happens alot when a new baby arrives and a hubby who has been the "centre of the universe" has to take a back seat. Jealousy is a mean emotion but he possibly hasn't even acknowleged it himself. If everything is as you have described, and I have no reason to think you haven't been entirely honest, could you ask him why he is jealous, does he think he isn't getting what he needs from you, nwhat more would he like you to do. He chose you because you are what you are, a caring person, don't change, there's not enough caring in this world x

Stifler's - posted on 11/15/2010




There are 2 sides to every story and maybe to him it seems like you are always helping friends and doing things for others. I am the same way about my partner constantly lending/giving money to his mum even though we do waste money on stuff we don't need I still think "we could have used that $500 bucks to pay for this instead of giving it to her".

Heather - posted on 11/15/2010




I agree with you. You don't help others to get a reward, you help them because it's the right thing to do. The reward is the joyful feeling you get from doing something good. Maybe your fiance has an issue from his childhood, like he felt his parents spent so much time helping someone else that they didn't do things for him that he felt they should have. Or maybe he's just plain selfish because of the way he was raised. I don't really have any idea since I don't know anything about him other than what you have said. Just thought I would throw those ideas out there. Unfortunately, I think a lot of relationships end because of selfishness on one side or the other or both. I really hope you can work things out but there is no shame in walking away from a bad relationship with a selfish person.

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