uncomfortable question

Nayuribe - posted on 01/07/2011 ( 118 moms have responded )

231

10

9

how many of you are sexualy acitve??
i live with my bf, father of my 2 daughters. after Maryluna was born (4 ys ago) i had a hard time getting back to my old self as far as sex goes, it took me about 4 months to be able to even try it again. after our second daughter, Alana, was born (she's 19 months old) it took me about 6-8 weeks to get "back on track".
now i try to have sex with him atleast 3 times a week, to keep in happy, but the truth is that hald the time i'm not in the mood, i just go through th moves. i know that i could live with sex, but my bf seems to think about it every day!!! and he gets mad when i say i'm not in the mood. so, is it wrong of to do it just to keep him happy??

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Merry - posted on 01/07/2011

9,274

169

248

Often I'm not in the mood, but marriage isn't all fun and games and I know he sits and listens to me talk on and on and he does this cuz he loves me and it's a need I have for him to listen to me! So yeah some times I'm wanting to have sex, but like twice a month!
The other times we do it, I'm not exactly in the mood, but I never do it unwillingly ,:)
Just cuz I prioritize sleep higher then sex. But sometimes his needs are more important then 30 min of sleep!

Sarah - posted on 01/07/2011

378

18

29

How much does he (bf) help you? l know some guys work their butts off and don't have alot of energy but...are you using up your energy on the girls when he could throw in a little more help and "get more" (pun intended) in return? Some guys were raised in households where Dad went to work and that was it. It's not their fault they don't do more. It doesn't really even occur to most of them who were raised that way. Plus you might find that with some extra help, even occasionally, that you're in the mood more simply because you aren't wanting to take a nap every free moment you have.
Been there & trust me, a little went a "long" way! ;)

Jodi - posted on 01/07/2011

2,694

52

168

I sometimes have sex when I'm not "in the mood", but I never do it if I'm going to resent it or be upset about it. If it upsets you, stop doing it. Just my personal opinion on the matter.

As for him being mad, I know it can be frustrating when I'm in the mood and hubby's not, but I never get mad him, perhaps he's just frustrated and it seems like he's mad. To me, there's a different I guess.

Carisa - posted on 01/07/2011

399

2

38

You are not alone. That is exactly how my husband and I are. I figure, as long as you are happy with the arrangement, there is nothing wrong with it. I have talked to doctors about my problem, and there is nothing physically wrong, so there is not much they can do. My OB?GYN suggested my husband and I talk to a therapist, but he was not at all receptive to that idea. I'm sure there are a lot of women like us out there, we just don't talk about it.

Michelle - posted on 01/13/2011

31

30

3

The idea being tossed around about sex not being that important in your relationship is ridiculous. If it was important to the two of you before children, it is just as important now. Having a child or children definitely does change your sex life. I know, I have three that are four and under. But I will say that I once was in your position and now my husband and I enjoy each others company more after we talked about our expectations and made a few changes. Three times a week seems nice, though when we were going through a hard time it was more like once a week. When I was going through that with my husband it put a lot of anxiety and strain on both of us. I would never wish to go back to that again.



Prayer really helped me, as did my husband's subtle changes; and then there was the hard part... evaluating myself and seeing me through my husband's eyes. It now makes me sad to think that because of having children, for so long, I kept from my husband the very way that men show that they love us. They are usually much more physical creatures who seek intimacy, not only for pleasure, but for support, comfort, and self-esteem. If you are bored or feel obligated for sex, either you are a really good actress, or your partner can probably pick up on it. He would probably rather have a couple of fulfilling and meaningful evenings together a week, than a bunch of bogus, half-way ones. Chances are, he's probably not enjoying it mentally, if you aren't.



I am very fortunate that my husband helps out so much with the kids and gives me personal time each evening to feel pretty or relax (like taking a long bath with a book). That really helps. Another thing I would suggest is hormore therapy or herbs. I started taking herbs that naturally boost and regulate female hormones, since I felt they were lacking after my third child, and they helped me tremendously.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

118 Comments

View replies by

Shontelle - posted on 01/24/2011

73

15

4

I no how u feel i can go with out sex for months but my bf wouldnt let me he comes home and does nothing what so ever to help me with our nearly 10month old daughter and expects me to be in the mood and when i say no he gets realy angry and says im not attracted to him any more and that theres something wrong with me since i have no sex drive oh and he tells me im the only person whos had a baby that doesnt have a sex drive which makes me feel worse and puts me off even more been thinking about bribing him to do things around the house for sex dont no if thats wrong or not

Christina - posted on 01/22/2011

73

18

10

Three times a week?! Shit, my husband would be in heaven! Your boyfriend should be gratefull!! ;)

We've all "taken one for the team" at one point or the other - don't feel bad. You might find yourself more in the mood if he washes the dishes or does some cleaning for you. Or at least gives you a nice long massage!

Jenny - posted on 01/22/2011

842

5

24

just the other day i got a great idea and gave him what i now call "hooker sex"!

im hardly ever in the mood these days, my baby is 8months old now and things are not improving yet. i do think its to do with trying to switch from being a MUM to being a sex bomb for your man. my husband gropes me almost every minute he's with me and while i love it i also hate it coz i know we can never just cuddle, it always leads into him needing to scratch the itch. i always feel so bad saying no so i dont straight away and try to play along, but often this ends with me quiting at the last minute becuase its just not happening for me and im sick of him not trying hard enough with the foreplay, its always half hearted, and him just waiting to get right into it. and plus it just plain and simply hurst no matter how much i try to pretend it doesnt.

so i give him "hooker sex". cant touch me, cant kiss me, just "get it over with already". slap on a ton of lube and there you go, all done in under a minute! better than having them sulk around all day and then go wank leaving you to feel guilty and him thinking about getting it from somewhere else.

thats what shuts him up, and then hopefully we can move on to do what would shut me up - 1hr of foreplay followed by some crazy sex :) lol.



i'm sure we'll get to a good place eventually, same as you will too, just keep changing things up until you find the perfect balance that works for you.

Charlie - posted on 01/21/2011

11,203

111

401

3 - 4 times a week , I enjoy sex and couldn't wait to get back into it , I do believe my sex drive has increased sine having kids .

Im am a little unhappy that so many of you think or know your guys couldn't care less about pleasing you , I have a very caring , sharing partner who wants to please me both in and out of bed , he helps with housework ( oh yes it is a turn on ) and makes sure I orgasm first .

I think if you don't have sex for a while you can lose your drive also women need to be there mentally , they need to to immerse themselves in all the emotion and feeling while having sex , focusing on how your body feels when he touches you ect and lastly you need to be comfortable in your skin which can be hard after a baby , if all else fails try some sex therapy , sex should be an almost "spiritual" experience not just going through the motions , you should be feeling a natural high after sex regardless of whether you orgasm or not .

Suzie - posted on 01/21/2011

6

43

1

It may be a hormonal thing. Yea I know it seems like every "problem" hormones seem to be the blame. If your are really concerned then make an appointment and consult your Primary Care Physician. He/She may be able to help. Good luck!

Sandy - posted on 01/21/2011

243

64

7

I was afraid of getting pregnant again so didn't want to have sex, even though I was on birth control which actually made things worse for me. I didn't want to have sex and maybe did so once every few weeks. Even now it's not that big of a deal to me which is a complete change from before I was pregnant. Everyone experiences the time after child birth differently though. Luckily I have a very patient and understanding husband. I hope it works out for you and you're able to find some help one way or another.

Kasey - posted on 01/20/2011

14

25

2

I want to thank you for asking this question first, its nice to know this is a common problem and its not just me. I had the same problem but I only had sex once a week not three. I do disagree with some of what I read I do think sex is impotent in a relationship but if you don’t have sex with your husband that does not give him permission or a excuse to look somewhere else! since I felt It was important I wanted to change how I felt about it. Some of the things I tried were finding 10 minutes during the day when I could be alone and think about “what I like.” This seemed to work the best for me, also your estrogen is highest in the morning which means that would be the best time ( if you can wake up 10-20 min earlier) didn’t work for me, lol. My favorite thing that I did was bought some lotion that I liked and told him to give me a back massage. ( there are some good videos on u tub that you can encourage him to watch that will teach him how to give you a GOOD erotic massage)!! One other thing I have done is tell him what I want, when he is doing it how I like it I let him know. At first I didn’t want to hurt his fillings and I think I did at first when i would say I don’t really like something, but now its easy to talk to him and in return he is able to tell me what he likes and doesn’t. I did learn things I didn’t know! Some people might disagree with me but I do think guys like to please there lady, I know I want to make him happy.

I hope some of my tips can help someone!

Wendy - posted on 01/20/2011

108

0

5

I'm with Amber Miller on this one. If anything, my sex drive was ramped up during and immediately after pregnancy. And considering that we had sex almost daily before that, it was almost too much to handle! Everything about him drove me over the edge, especially his smell. I swear I could smell his scent like an animal when he pulled into the driveway every night! My husband is a hunk and a half which made it even worse! Oh, the humanity!

Meredith - posted on 01/20/2011

10

24

0

to be perfectly honest....2 things: I have 2 kids hanging on me all day...the last thing I want sometimes is my husband to be hanging all over me at night. Sounds harsh, but sometimes I'm just too tired! Also sometimes I feel like it's just one more thing on my "to do" list. I explain to him that when he helps out and takes things off my to do list, I have more time to relax and be with him.

Jessica - posted on 01/20/2011

5

16

0

No its not but u might want to talk to ur doctor about the lack of intrest. I have 4 kids myself and u my need to make some changes in the bed room. U two need to talk about it. He needs to try to be understanding. But guys do need sex to feel close to there gf, wife, ect...

Katrina - posted on 01/19/2011

1

4

0

I have medical issues that make it hard for me (I am in the mood). Since the birth of my 4-year old, I have not been able to very much. My husband is very understanding and doesn't pressure me at all. I think that if your boyfriend loves you, he will be understanding about your situation. Talk to your OB, because sometimes, it can be a hormonal imbalance that causes those issues. It could also just be the fact that you are tired from taking care of 2 kids, and your partner should understand that...

Sarah - posted on 01/19/2011

8

6

0

Do not have sex to make HIM happy. He should understand. But also talking and communticating with each other is the key. I went through this and my son is 8 months old. I just talk to my BF about maybe why I wasnt feeling like it. It helped me out cause he listened to me. Also he started helping out with my little one more and it gave me energy and made me feel like doing the deed! Plus if you ask each other "wanna have sex" to me its a turn off. I have to sit there and think about it, do I wanna, do I feel up to it. If you or him start engaging in it out of the blue you might feel alittle different. And switching up the also good. Try "special movies" or getting a sitter and having dinner and see where it goes. Dont plan it.

Mindee - posted on 01/19/2011

86

14

1

My 2nd daughter is 5 months old and i haven't been intimate with my husband since the 2nd trimester, and even then it was just for him. Of course, there are a lot of reasons why... personal marital stuff, but still, I figure, I'm taking care of ME now. I deserve happiness too and I shouldn't have to feel like anyone's play toy. Tell him to take care of himself.

Gemma - posted on 01/18/2011

12

3

1

Hey Brittany
your right you shld enjoy it but a man cld careless at times if its a female or a goat remember we are emontional there logically so see they see a woman and guess what they want sex they do all the other bs becuase they knw that most woman like that.... love your husband they way he needs love we often love ppl the way we want...I suggest you ck out a vitiman and herb shop and get that back in your life too!!!
Oh and I dont believe your husband wants you to feel horrible but I bet he wld love for you to make a move and start it guys get so tired of asking and when they stop its not because he finally gets it thats when things breakdown

Gemma - posted on 01/18/2011

12

3

1

I knw I felt the same way but heres what I believe to be true you gotta take care of your man.. Men are different from females and most woman fool themselves in to thinking they can change that about a man or not give him sex and he wont start to wander.
There is a balance in a relationship so good you do give it up thats the right thing to do now lets get you in to it... first children wack out our bodies this sucks but I went to an herbalist and theres a ton of stuff to help you get back on tract plus an herb to get you in the mood you take it 30 mins before sex I found out its not normal not to have a sex drives if yours is low your body is depleted from certain vitimans thats causing you to feel tired and just not in the mood woman should be very sexually active in relationships or marriage and when you get back on track it feels so good you will fell like an amazing woman and sex will feel awesome believe me you want this part back in your life.
No its never wrong if you love someone to make them happy...

Gabrielle - posted on 01/13/2011

30

39

0

yes and no. i sometimes did that aswell. its up to you at the end of the day. whatever keeps you happy counts. x

Desarae - posted on 01/13/2011

73

24

28

My husband works 50+ hours a week, we have three toddlers and I'm pregnant, so we have sex every Saturday night... but it just works for us!

Liz - posted on 01/13/2011

935

15

206

I think I've had sex with my husband about four times in the year since my daughter was born, but there were huge emotional and logistical difficulties because of her being a micro-premie.

Now, it's something we're both aware of as a problem, but I put on 50 pounds in pregnancy and just don't feel sexy when I look like a beached whale. Add being isolated all day with a baby, knowing nobody and being in a new country (I emigrated to be with my husband when 8 weeks pregnant), then it's all pretty dire and my mood/libido suffers.

Luckily for me, my husband is just amazing and is perfectly understanding.

Sherri - posted on 01/13/2011

9,593

15

387

I think people put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship. A relationship can be so much more than sex. You should only have sex when you are also in the mood if that is once, twice or more a week great. If you only want it once a month that is fine too. A relationship is two people not just one and one person shouldn't be the only one getting what they want. It makes me sad that so many people feel obligated to have to have sex when they don't want it male or female, it shouldn't be a chore. My husband would love sex more but he also is caring and loves me enough to understand that sometimes less is more.

Naomi - posted on 01/13/2011

22

21

0

i think u should do wots rite 4 u. u shouldnt do it 2 keep ur chap happy its not fair on u have u tried 2 explain 2 him that it nothing 2 do with him is just how u feel at the moment. also wot if u did other things instead of full blown sex

Ruth - posted on 01/12/2011

64

57

3

dont despare, my daughter is 15 months old and im only just recently feeling "in the mood" i have been doing the same up until now just giving him what he wants but now I want it to your sex drive will come back promise

[deleted account]

I tell my husband that I have every right to enjoy it to. So if I'm not in the mood he doesn't get it. I don't like the idea of having sex to make him happy. It makes me feel horrible having sex with out being in the mood. I doubt that my husband wants that.

Samantha - posted on 01/12/2011

61

68

1

I have had three kids and feel the same a lot of times. My youngest is 6mo and my oldest is 5. I have tried to explaine to my husband for about five years now that it isn't him. I am with my kids 24/7 and when they are always needing things and want to hang all over you all day long the last thing you want is to be touched when they are not around. My husband is finally starting to understand. I think you should explain to your bf and let him know that it's not him and things will change. Until then you both need to understand one anothers needs. Communication is the most important part of marriage. So remember his needs and I hope he will remember yours.

Breahana - posted on 01/12/2011

3

7

0

I don't think anything is wrong with trying to keep him happy i honstly used to do the same thing because i got tired of hearing him complain when i said no or i'm not in the mood.

Taylor - posted on 01/12/2011

55

7

3

I had a really hard time after my son was born. Too sleepy and tired of being touched by the end of the day! Something to keep in mind..... women connect emotionally by talking, cuddling and being close to our husband. Men have been scientifically proven to connect with us through sex. So they arent being pests just to be irritating =)

April - posted on 01/12/2011

3,420

16

263

it sounds like your bf is being a little bit demanding of you. and maybe terrible at reading body language or just doesn't care. i don't know...if my husband wasn't in the mood but he did it to make me happy...i certainly wouldn't ask him again for sex the very next morning. I'd be happy with what I got, lol.

Devine - posted on 01/12/2011

2

20

0

Guys are always thinking about sex no matter how many kids they have, its in their nature they cant help it. I believe that sex does keep both partners in the relationship happy. My fiance and I have been together four months before we got pregnant and sometimes have difficult talking to one another. but we find we have a better connection and its easier to talk after sex (and im not always in the mood either). maybe you could try having him treat you (whether its oral or him doing the work) so you can enjoy it too.

Maleah - posted on 01/12/2011

47

0

3

Our sex life has increased since the birth of our second.. We have sex almost everyday.. It is our way to spend time together and relax..
And if he had his way we would multiple times a day.. LOL!

Ashley - posted on 01/12/2011

956

23

134

I know how you feel we have 2 little girls one is 3yrs and 2 months old the other is 20 months old and we have sex problems lol hes lucky if it is even 1 time a week so I know how you feel

Kristina - posted on 01/12/2011

11

51

1

my daughter is almost 11months old and me and my bf havent had sex over a year. i dont want it and he understands

Lauren - posted on 01/12/2011

33

96

0

Not all men have a high sex drive I guess, the same as not all women are disinterested in sex! xx

Lauren - posted on 01/12/2011

33

96

0

Lizandra, I'm glad I am not alone, it makes me angry when people assume women don't want sex but men do!
I do get turned down though :(

Sara - posted on 01/12/2011

15

20

1

3 times aweek!! iv 2small ones and their dads lucky if he gets it once a month but he never complains cause he understands im wrecked at end of the day and took me good while to get back to normal youngest is 7months and i still get problems with tearing so he is patient, its not all about sex and for him to get mad at you is wrong, what about what makes you happy..

Sarh - posted on 01/12/2011

2,516

26

176

My son is 7ms and I still don't feel up to having sex as often as I did before. I also do it to keep him happy. I don't see it as being wrong.

Danielle - posted on 01/11/2011

605

13

21

Two yrs ago I would have told you not to worry about him. But I lost my husband b/c of that. I never felt like doing it and when I did it was clear I would rather doing anything else. He felt as though I didn't have feelings for him and wasn't attracted to him so he went elsewhere. We only stayed seperated for 6 mnths but it taught me alot. I'm not excusing what he did but I'm also not naive enough to say it was all his fault. I went through a bout with cervical cancer last yr and wasn't able to do it b/c it hurt so bad and he was so understanding.( And yes I know he wasn't cheating b/c he had been laid off and was with me 24/7) Now that I'm healthy our sex life has gotten better. There are still many a nites that I've been chasing the kids or cleaning house and just don't want to. Sometimes I tell him no and sometimes I just suck it up and make him happy. You don't know what your husband is thinking and how hurt he may be so I say keep him happy.

Teresa - posted on 01/11/2011

53

18

1

Guess you should also give him part of the responsibility because he ought to...he thinks that way because he's not busy as you are and therefore as tired as you are. Sex is not the only way to bond and strengthen relationship. Going hand in hand in taking responsibilities will make you more understand each other. This way you'll get more in the mood as you have more energy considering he helps you with the chores and he'll have what he wants- both of you happy :)

Sherri - posted on 01/11/2011

9,593

15

387

Oh boy do I understand with 3 kids no time, no sleep etc. 3 times a week that is insane. My poor husband is lucky if he gets it once a month.

Tabatha - posted on 01/11/2011

3

0

0

I think all mommy's go through this!! I was that way with all 4 of mine! I think it boils down to the fact that we are groped all day everyday by our little monkeys so the last thing we want at night is for anyone else to grope us. Bless our husbands, though. Mine was very understanding when my last daughter was born. She is now 3 and everything is back to normal. Also, reevaluate your form of birth control. Some pills can affect your sex drive. I had that problem with orthotricylene. Now that I have changed birth control, our sex life is better than it has been in years. Good luck!!

Elisha - posted on 01/11/2011

13

13

0

3 days a week ? Your very nice . I had a c-section but I am still uncomfortable to have sex with my partner and my baby is 3 months old . We only have sex maybe once or twice every 2 or 3 weeks . and yes my partner asks every day but they soon understand that it's not what you want all the time.

Katie - posted on 01/11/2011

51

78

6

I was the same way after my son was born. I was too worried about getting him on a schedule than having sex with my fiance'. But after that....i was put on birth control pills and have been for almost 4 years now. To this day....I don't have a 100% sex drive. Even though i am on birth control, i still get that feeling that i will get pregnant which i do want more kids but not anytime soon. We have to get on our own feet first. So you are not alone on this one. Maybe have a talk to him and tell him how you feel about this whole situation? As long as you are happy and he is happy then its all good.

Kelly - posted on 01/11/2011

59

30

6

3 days a week???? ....Geeze girl your generous LOL
I think alot of us are in the same boat about not being " in the mood" Life has a tendancy to get in the way....especially when you have little ones, and sex just doesn't fall at the top of the priority list.
If your not happy doing it.....then don't!!! Just my opinion. I understand you not wanting your partner to be upset or resentful because he's not " getting some" but at the same time.... I'm sure you don't want to be upset or resentful of him.

Kelly - posted on 01/11/2011

59

30

6

3 days a week???? ....Geeze girl your generous LOL
I think alot of us are in the same boat about not being " in the mood" Life has a tendancy to get in the way....especially when you have little ones, and sex just doesn't fall at the top of the priority list.
If your not happy doing it.....then don't!!! Just my opinion. I understand you not wanting your partner to be upset or resentful because he's not " getting some" but at the same time.... I'm sure you don't want to be upset or resentful of him.

Dara - posted on 01/11/2011

114

70

6

I'm in the exact same boat but clearly you've heard a lot of that! I have looked things up to help explain my end of things to my fiance and he recently has done the same. I don't think until recently I really understood how he felt. I think we as woman fail to realize that it is about the connection with them. It's their way of knowing we love them. Sometimes cuddling is enough but sometimes they need more. I will completely refuse but have gotten to where I give it to him more often when he asks. I love him with all my heart and even though I'm pretty much NEVER interested in doing it and could probably go completely without it I know I wouldn't want him to leave as a result of my lack of labido. Do what makes you feel good. I've got an appt set for Feb with my Ob and Dr that delivered my youngest. I'm really hoping it helps out. I will try and find the link to the thread he sent me last week about this. It's about 3 pages long but I spent two days off and on when I had a moment reading all the stories. Most are from men but there are some from woman in our same shoes. Hope that will help some. Ok, here are the links.

http://www.athomedad.org/node/3897

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article...

Juleen - posted on 01/11/2011

42

33

4

i don't think you should do it to keep him happy. Only if you want to do it. My fiance & me only do it about twice a month because we're too busy rushing around most days so by the time bed time comes we're both worn out!! I have said no to him many times and he doesn't seem to mind. If he gets mad when you're not in the mood maybe he's not worth having at all. Men will never understand what we go through as women having babies and taking care of them sometimes a man is just as much hassle as it is taking care of the babies. Maybe you could try talking to him and explaining that you're just not in the mood. If he's worth anything he will at least try to understand where you're coming from. Possibly a few remantic nights might help get you in the humour nice dinner bottle of wine could help get you in the humour

Crystal - posted on 01/11/2011

45

6

1

It honestly happens to almost all women at some point in time. You need to TALK and reach an agreement. because what it sounds like, is you care so much about his needs that you'll do whatever, but he doesn't care about yours and gets mad when you don't give him what he wants. and they're not "needs", he can go wank himself all he wants. My husband and i have sex once or twice a week, we've been married for 3 years, and i consider our sex life amazing. not because we do it like rabbits all the time, but because when we do have sex, it's amazing. next time you're not in the mood, say not in the mood YET. when i'm not in the mood, i don't just brush him off, i tell him that, and he'll work REAL hard to get me in the mood. most men aren't too keen on foreplay, so i guess i got lucky with mine, especially since he makes sure i cum at least once! lol but sex is supposed to be super fun for BOTH of you. and they also have some things to help, we use KY Intense. it's especially to heighten a womans sensation, and it really does work wonders. just make it clear to him that sex is for both of you, not just him. good luck! :)

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms