unsupportive grandparents

Connie - posted on 01/06/2012

Well I am a grandmother and here is my response to these posts so maybe you all could help me. I raised 3 children as a single parent, one of them with special needs. I have been a very loving, doting, involved step grandparent and my "step-son and his wife" are extremely grateful and validate me for being such an involved grandparent as his mother was the "Holidays and Birthdays" only type. My son moved from out of state back to my home state with my 6 y/o bio grandson after his divorce and he has full custody. I was delighted, He was delighted, so grateful telling me how glad he was that I spent time quality one on one time and he encouraged it and my gandson enjoyed the benefits. Then my son got his own place, a new GF and now when I call to talk with my grandson I'm told things like were too busy, you just saw him last weekend, he doesn't want to talk. I'm no longer encouraged to spend one on one time other than to take him to church which he is bored with and makes the quality time un-enjoyable, no more fun bonding times. When I share my feelings of missing spending time with my grandson I'm told you just saw him at the holiday (u know holiday where there is no one on one time). I feel like I am divorced from my grandson and this is heartbreaking. When I talk alone with my grandson he says he wants to see me and spend more time or talk to me but they don't let him or remind him or tell him. I don't understand the change, my son will not explain it in any logical, rational way and it's suggested I am too self pitieng. That was an insult, my step-son and his wife cannot belive this because they and many others tell me what a great grandparent I am. I am beside myself with the loss of a close relationship with my only bio grandson. My step grandchildren are getting to those pre teen, teen years where they no longer want to spend as much time with their grandparents and understandedly so but now when I want to focu on my 6 y/o grandson knowing ther's only 5or more good years to build that relationship as he was out of state for the first 5yrs. I am almost ready to go adopt a family or grandchildren. Advice Appreciated

Chairettie - posted on 05/06/2011

I agree that thank you notes are not customary for childrens b-day parties and very old fashion - did they expect you to do that as a child or did they do that for you? Most family members want to be there for family (without getting paid...getting paid for every little thing is a new world "illness" if it expected as far as I am concerned! I pay everyone to watch my kids and that is only because I have military duty in another state - I pay my friend & sister even though both say it isn't necessary ( I have infant twins and it is a lot of work) I know the need the money so we help each other....that is how family and friends are where I come from. My mom isn't there for me or my kids - she never has been and as hard as I tried to involve her she just kept taking and sucking the life out of me so as far as I am concerned my kids are better off - I had no choice but I do where my kids are concerned. Good luck

Ambyr - posted on 05/06/2011

My bfs parents are like that. My kids are 2 and 1 and the only grand parent they have is my mom. She was the only one who every helped me with my kids when I needed it. His parents always say we want to be in their life & we want to see them but they will never make the effort to come over here to see them =S, we've tried a few different things with them. The first one was taking the kids to them but that didnt work because they dont exactly have a yard to my eldest was running around everywhere and they are extremely close to a road BUT they wont sit inside their house when we visit. So in august my bf got into a huge fight with them and pretty much wrote them off for a couple months. That didnt work either because they ended up talking again lol. Then we tried getting them to come visit but like I said they never make the effort. The best thing we can do now is just kind of forget about them. If they are around then they visit the kids but if not then we just go about our lives. Its less stressful.

Chairettie - posted on 05/06/2011

Wow, that really sucks but I can relate! A thank you note for a B-day gift????? You thanked them and that is not enough then perhaps they need to keep the gifts....after all "gifts" are not what the kids need, they need love and affection from their family and friends that is what your children will remember.If you have tried talking to them and it has fell on deaf ear you just need to find a way to be at peace with the fact they are not going to be involved. When she talks about your MIL I would tell her she has no idea what your MIL does or doesn't do, she has no right to judge anyone, so not to talk about her. You will be bothered by this for some time, and I wish there were some advice that would ease your mind but honestly your parents are just not going to be the fun loving, interactive, doting grandparents that adore your little ones and I know that saddens you. Try to focus on everyone else who does all those great things with your children and make those memories for you as their Mommy and for them...as they get older the relationship they have with your parents will what it will be based on how your children feel about your parents and not on how you feel about your parents. Best of luck Kristi :o)

Jennifer - posted on 05/05/2011

they sound very old fashioned...

Sharon - posted on 05/04/2011

Tell them that you don't want them to buy any more presents for your children - and if they do, kindly refuse them. Tell them that your children have enough material things, and they need to learn the value of relationships - something every child has a strong understanding of prior to entering kindergarten due to their daily interactions with family members. My sons Paternal Grandmother was EXACTLY like this. I refused to let her see him for over a year, finally she stopped by and begged to spend time - curious why she has been completely cut out of our lives. I explained that all i wanted was involvement and a normal family interaction - grandparents goofing off with grandkids - like I had experienced as a child. It worked. I still don't allow presents because I don't want her to revert to her old ways, but so far so good. It was difficult and at times very saddening, but worth it.
Not saying you have to do exactly this, but at least you know that other people are dealing with similar oddness, lol

Meg - posted on 05/04/2011

Your parents have thier own reality on this matter. I had a grandmother my mother and I lived with who was like this. It was tough. Realize they are not the "drop on over types". They need invitations each time. I write thank you notes. My son now does it. He is 6. My parents, who are 2 hours away, are some what like that. I had surgery and needed help. They had to be given a guilt trip that another relative that lived near them was offering a day. They have not been there a lot of time for me. I have defined my own family that does care.

Kelly - posted on 05/03/2011

Wait, so 3 days ago she told you off b/c she didn't get a "Thank You" note, so you wrote her one and today she says it's "too formal"?
There IS something odd about that--she either wants a note or she doesn't.

I didn't mean you should "pay" them for baby-sitting, just thank them. My parents are on a fixed income, so I pay for their outings, but If you are not comfortable giving them money, send flowers or a gift card later (I'd say send a note, but that could get complicated with them, huh! lol). That is what I do for my inlaws because in their culture, it is rude to give cash or accept money from a relative or friend.

If you really feel like you should talk to them, I would ask them how often they want to see the kids and what they want to do with them, then make plans accordingly. If they cancel, their loss, not yours. It is great for kids to have a good relationship with grandparents, but if the relationship is stressful it is better to keep it to a minimum. Continue to offer them time with the kids, if they decline, they decline, but they cannot say you never allow them time with them if you are regularly inviting them over or out with you.

.....one other thought. How old is she? It could be menopause--I hear it's worse than being pregnant....

Raychel - posted on 05/03/2011

My In laws are the same way. My sister in law has two girls and she isnt married (nothing bad about that!) but they live with them and spend all their time with them bc she needs the "extra" help bc she isnt married. They couldnt even take the time to come to my sons 1st birthday party bc they were having to watch the girls (which they were invited too!) And my MIL is the same way about thank you cards. I just told her that I dont have time to write a card to everyone. We tell them thank you when it is recieved and maybe once more through texts or email but that is it. why spend that much money on cards that people dont even keep?
They tell me that it is my fault they dont get to see my son or watch him which they whole baby sitting thing my MIL already watches the girls why would I really ask her to watch my son? And she believes that it is okay to spank at a really young age. My son is 20 months and all I have to do is tell him "no" or "stop" and he does.
In december we moved from TX to PA (which is like 21 hours away) and they are now telling me that they should have made more time for Clay and they miss him (he is the only grandson on that side) and more than once have they told me they were sorry for not doing that. When we lived in TX and I would invite them to do stuff they would never do anything like Id take clay to the zoo and they wouldnt come however the next week they would take the girls and not invite us. I just stopped inviting them all together. And they had to make time to see us. Now they dont get to see us. And MIL wishes I would call more but I dont feel comfortable talking to her even on the phone. I would talk to them or just keep inviting them and doing your best to keep them in your childrens lives.

Stifler's - posted on 05/03/2011

Thank you notes aren't customary in Australia, no one sends them unless it's for attending their wedding and even then it has to be a high class wedding to send them out.

Hollie - posted on 05/03/2011

Sorry your going through this. I would just act like they dont exist, sad to type this. It works and can get results! Keep us posted

Elfrieda - posted on 05/03/2011

My mom is sometimes confusing like that. Sometimes she's over-the-top helpful and sometimes stand-off-ish. It's so hard to know what they expect sometimes, right?



To me it sounds like they have some sort of expectation of grandparenthood, and it's not being met. That's why all the silly comments about thankyou cards and equal time being spent with the other grandparents.



You could ask them what their expectations are, but they probably don't know how to verbalize them! The only clue you have is that they want to spend more time with their grandchildren. One thing that we do with my parents is invite them over for dinner every other week, and so they come at around 6, my son goes to bed around 7:45 (I or my husband puts him to bed, but we invite Grandma or Grampa to participate by chasing him up the stairs, or entertaining him as we change his diaper, or reading his bedtime story), and then we have some tea and dessert and usually play a board game. It's a pleasant evening for all. They have us over on the other weeks, and have put a crib in my sister's old bedroom for us to put the baby down so that we can stay longer.

Why don't you try something like that to start with, and then pay attention to little signs to see if it's enough or the right thing. My parents desperately don't want to be the interfering grandparents that my mom's mom was, but at the same time they have lots of opinions! That's why their behaviour is like that. Once you figure out what your parents' issue is, it will be easier to deal with, because you'll understand where they're coming from. Just be really polite to them, and don't assume that you don't have to mind your manners just because you're their kid. This might just be an awkward transitional stage in your relationship, and in a few years you'll be really glad you made the effort to stay close!

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 05/03/2011

I never send thank you notes out. Everyone knows by how grateful I am by the thank you I tell them when they give gifts...... I mean come on, she's right. We're not wearing gowns, taking hours to get ready anymore nor wearing white gloves to town in order just to shop. I guess if you or they are very proper, and them being a bit older might still believe in the older traditions....... but they sound in general as if they are just being arses. Fat donkey butts. And I'm sorry about your situation but there's a difference between this and that.........

If you have told them they can come over, and they haven't..... are they uncomfortable just dropping by? Why? If so, invite them specifically over more often? If this doesn't work, like seriously if you have tried all the whistles, they are just being jerks. There's nothing you can do but quit caring about it. It sucks, but if they don't play with your kids even when they are around, I bet they just don't want to be so involved... and are complaining to cause problems, or to just complain. It's hard to get away from. Maybe they will enjoy your children when they are older? Some people only like babies, some only like older kids (5+)

I deal with a semi same situation.. so I know how you feel :( sucks

Good luck and hopefully you can find a local mommy group who can fill the position of 'others' helping out. Family sucks sometimes

Carly - posted on 05/03/2011

It just made me sad reading your post as there are a lot of parallels between your parents and BOTH my husbands and mine. Both our parents are about 90 mins away (NOT 900!) but we only see them about 4 times a year each. We have 4 children under 6 years of age. My husbands parents babysit once a year if we are very lucky and he puts them on the spot and asks, mine have only babysat the past few times I was in hospital giving birth. I do give my husbands parents a bit of leeway as they are both still working and I know what it is like to work full time and get stuff done on the weekend as well as catch up with people. That being said, they are the ones who always rock up and hour late to the kids' birthday parties (and everyone notices!) and as they live a bit of a drive away they try to kill about 4 birds with one stone on the trip to and from our house so breeze in and out.
My mother has not worked since I was born so is free as a bird to come and spend time with the kids, but whenever they visit it is my poor Dad who runs around playing games with them while she sits on the couch reading the paper or doing crosswords. AND STILL SHE TALKS ABOUT MORE GRANDKIDS!!!
My sister (she has a 1yo son and isn't as used to the situation as we are) and I are at our wits end with the lack of interest and we swing from deciding we just have to accept their attitude to trying to work out how we can bring up the topic. And we are forever hearing from our friends about how helpful their parents are with the kids etc... We ended up having to advertise and hire a babysitter (very expensive) as my husband and I had not been out on our own together for 12 months.
Do you think it has come about because your Mum does not respect your parenting style/decisions? I think that that is what started it with my Mum. I am very routine-minded and she can't cope with that. My sister and I wonder a lot how she coped with us, but we know that SHE had a lot of help from her mother, who we spent a LOT of time with as children. Which makes it even harder for us to understand her attitude.
I don't think I could cope with the abuse your parents throw at you! You poor things, that is just downright wrong. There is no way you should have to put up with being treated like that and I hate to say it, but if it continues like that then just cut them loose. Not a good example to put before your children. I always think of the great relationship I had with my Nana who I loved so much and I want the same for our kids but I can't see it happening at all. Good luck, it is a tough situation to be in. You don't want to disrespect your parents, but you are adults too now and deserve to be treated accordingly.

Susanne - posted on 05/03/2011

Well I would just tell them not to buy gifts for your children as they seem to only buy the gifts so they can use them to cause another argument, I would honestly tell them if they dont want to bother with their grandkids thats fine and to leave you alone. None of my childrens grandparents were particularly involved in my childrens lives. My mother died before my kids were born and my father although he liked my kids well enough was not hands on and i accepted thats the way he was. My in laws werent interested full stop and made sure i knew not to expect them to do anything with my kids when i was pregnant with my first. To be honest my life was easier without all the drama that comes with extended family Ive raised my boys my way without interferance

Kristi - posted on 05/02/2011

I appreciate everyone's feedback on my dilemma. Just to address a few points.

I have attended numerous birthday parties for adults and children and I have never ever received a thank you note nor did I ever expect one. Bridal and baby showers - yes, birthday parties - never. Attending a party with food, games, loot bag (at a children's party) was considered the 'return' when you were a guest bringing a git for the birthday host. Even when I was a child I never received 'thank you' notes when I attended birthday parties. Verbal 'thank yous' were the norm and perfectly accepted by everyone - and I didn't grow up in a barn. My husband had the same experience as I. The bigger issue for us at the party was showing up an hour late with no explanation. But I did decide to deliver thank you cards to my parents and my sisblings and they were insulted. Saying it was too formal and you weren't formal with family.

Some one asked about my siblings - they are younger than I (31 and 29) but they are also totally uninterested. I am not surprised by this at all as they are both single and not really heading in the direction of starting a family of their own anytime soon.

My parents are very comfortable financially and I have never offered them money to watch my children. We have never asked them for money ever. I don't think that is an issue and I would be really surprised if it were.

My grandmother lived down the street from us growing up and we were there all the time after school and had dinner with her regularly. Unfortunately, my other grandparents passed away before I was born and one passed on when I was only 6 years old. So maybe my parents behaviour stems from not having enough 'grandparent role models'. I never thought of that.

I don't and never have expected my parents to raise my children, they are my children and my responsibility - which I love BUT I see a disconnect with comments like - 'we never get to see our grandkids' and their behaviour, which leaves my husband and I very confused. I don't think it is unusual for grandparents to want to play a role in their grandchildren's lives. But maybe not everyone is thrilled with the idea of being a grandparent - I can respect that. I think they are missing out but I guess that is their choice.

I guess it is worth attempting to have another honest conversation.

Thank you again

Autumn - posted on 05/02/2011

Is this how they used to be? It seems rather odd. I guess it depends how far you want to go with repairing a relationship... perhaps going out of your way to ask advice on something (even if you don't really need it), or making sure to send extra cards thanking them for something will go far to help rebuild bridges. If it isn't worth it for you, that makes sense, but ..

Jane - posted on 05/02/2011

Sounds as though there is a communication and expectation gap between you and your parents. Have you ever sat down with them and asked them directly what they expect their role to be as grandparents? When you were little, what did your grandparents do? How did your parents feel about how their parents were with them and with their kids? Remember that your parents grew up in a different time and place than you did, and were in a family that had its own dynamics. What do your parents consider to be the rules of grandparenting? As a responsible adult now, and no longer a child, since you see there is a problem you need to solve it, not avoid it by cutting off contact. Obviously your parents are not good at communicating what they want and are becoming frustrated and as a result somewhat childish and hurt.

I never expected my parents to babysit their grandkids. They raised me and my siblings, that was their job. Now it's my turn to deal with diapers and tantrums. I do this especially because I know my mother didn't enjoy babies as much, but really liked kids when they were old enough to be involved in drawing or going to museums. Knowing that, I did not want to make her do something she didn't enjoy fully.

When they have visited the kids, or we have visited them with the kids, we let them simply enjoy the kids or even just the sight of me with babies. We never expected them to participate in their care or even in their playtime. Once the kids were older, both did like to spoil them, and we let them - that was their job as grandparents and gave them joy. So we had to do some explaining afterwards to the kids, that just because Grandpa produces chocolate cookies on demand and wants to have you stay up until midnight so he can let you watch Xena, Warrior Princess with him, doesn't mean it happens at home with Mom and Dad. That explaining is all part of teaching kids that different situations have different rules.

In addition, where does it say thank you notes are not customary for gifts? We always sent thank you notes after birthday parties. I figured it was good practice for the kids to learn how to say a formal thank you. I had the kids make a drawing, then I xeroxed it and turned it into a card/keepsake. The kids wrote their names as soon as they were able and I added a note. These cards often ended up on grandma's fridge along with pictures and so on. You may not consider thank you notes to be customary but your parents obviously do. So send them a card. In fact send them a weekly snail mail note with a snapshot of the kids or a picture drawn by your 2 yo. It couldn't hurt and it may help them feel included but not intruding.

And I never did give my parents money to help with the kids, but the biggest reason for that is their income, even in retirement, is much higher than mine. They know that so prefer to give US money or things. What is your parents' income? Is it similar to yours? If so then expecting them to pay for outings would not be good. Is it higher than yours? Then it is possible that they feel insulted to be offered money. In any case, this is another thing that needs to be discussed.

It sounds to me as if your parents may want to enjoy the sight of you as a mom, not step back into child rearing themselves. In any case, you do need to simply ask them what they expect of you. And if it is to send formal thank yous, then do it! Your parents grew up in a more formal time and such things were required. It won't hurt you or your kids to acquiesce. Your MIL grew up in a different family. Her expectations are different.

Now, I am NOT saying your parents are perfect or right about everything. They do sound jealous of your MIL. However, as their now-adult child you need to do what you can to figure out their expectations and work on meeting them. Your kids will need their grandparents more and more as they grow. Please keep the door open so they can have them later when they really need them.

Kelly - posted on 05/02/2011

Marylea, Where are Thank You notes not customary? I have always received them from people to whom I've given gifts, so obviously I am not the only one who feels they are appropriate. I apologize if this sounds emphatic, but if a person takes a couple hours from their lives to go shopping for a gift, wrap it, and mail, hand deliver it, or attend a party, they expect more than a spoken "Thanks for the _____". It takes 5 minutes or less to write it down and send it off, which is a lot less time and $$ than the giver put into it. Why is it such a pain to say "thank you" ?

As for baby-sitting, grand parents are not baby-sitters. If you ask them to do a favor for you by watching your children, thank them, and not just a spoken thanks. Sure, they should want to spend time with their grandkids, but they probably want to spend time with you AND your kids, and they want to play with the kids, not take care of them. That is why dinners and park outings are ideal.

My parents never ask me to leave them $$ on the table, but I would never consider asking them to watch my child for me without doing something in return for them because that would seem discourteous.

Chrissie - posted on 05/02/2011

They need to make the effort and if they are not willing to, screw em'.

Marylea - posted on 05/02/2011

No offense Kelly but you sound as weird as Kristi Blok's parents. Thank you notes are not customary for children's birthday parties. And if grandparents need to be paid to take care of their grandkids then there's a problem. I think that you've done everything right Kristi, your parents are the ones that behaving badly. If it was me I would definitely try to talk to them. I've had similar issues with my dad. He always wants to babysit my daughter but the times when we've made plans he always cancels but later he'll complain that I never let him babysit. I've told him numerous times taht he has to tell me when his days off are (he doesn't work a set schedule) so that we can work something out yet when I call to arrange plans he's always busy and can't babysit that day. Recently I talked to him about it and was just blatantly honest and things seem to be better. I hope that helps. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 05/02/2011

Maybe ask them if they'd like to watch the kids on Thursdays? My in laws weren't that excited about us having kids and are often not that interested in them. But it has gotten better over time. We just keep trying. I don't want them to not have a relationship with my in laws. At least they have my parents. Just keep working on stuff with your parents and enjoy the relationship with your in laws. I used to send thank yous to people. Now a days I email my thank yous.

Medic - posted on 05/02/2011

I think they are just that way and need to get over themselves. I do not send thank you notes I feel that it is old fashioned, we say thank you when it is gotten and maybe mention thank you later. My parents watch my kids all the time of their own accord and I do not feel the need to leave money or send anything to say thank you. They do it because they are my parents and its what their parents did for them and so on and so on. My dad calls every day and talks to my older one and sees both of the kids atleast twice a month but he will drive the hour and half any time I need him. I think you should just ask what their deal is.

Charity - posted on 05/02/2011

I would just try talking to them again...inite them over for dinner or something sometime and let them know that they are really hurting your kids by not being involved and that your parents are really missing out on getting to know some wonderful kids. I tried to go back and find the part where i believe you said you have two other siblings my question to you is how do they treat their kids are they involved?

Kelly - posted on 05/02/2011

I would invite them over for dinner, or to outings in the park along with you. I would try not to say anything about their behavior, that can only start an argument. If they decline, politely say "Okay, maybe next time." Invite them out at least once a week, so that if they do say "you never let us see the kids" you can reply, "I called last week, and the week before. Let me know what your schedule is, and I'll try to work it out so we can do something together." Then they can't say you aren't trying.

As for the Thank You note, I agree with your mom. It is always polite to send a hand-written Thank You note anytime you or a child receives a gift from someone. I'm not sure if it is that way in other countries (I'm in the US, not sure where you are), but I'd be offended if I took time to buy someone a gift and they couldn't find 5 minutes to jot a thank you note and drop it in the mail.

My parents don't babysit my son unless I ask them in advance, and I always leave some cash, not much, maybe $40-$50 to cover expenses of taking J out and say thanks. If I don't have cash, I'll send flowers and a thank you note later in the week, but I would not expect them to watch him of their own accord. Did you thank them the time they did watch the kids? If not, maybe they don't think you appreciated it or that you were in some way upset with what they did...

Why would you expect them to "drop by" , call, and email when your husband is away? I don't like visitors or calls when hubs is away b/c I'm usually a little behind and don't have time to chat or respond to emails, and my house is messier, so I would not be comfortable with them visiting then. Perhaps they think they are being courteous by leaving you alone, but if you would like their company and do fall behind like I do, you could invite them for dinner one night while he is away?

Stifler's - posted on 05/02/2011

They sound weird. I would ask them what their problem is.