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URGENT HELP NEEDED!! 7yr step son with violent behaviour and total lack of respect towards me!!!

Laura - posted on 10/25/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )

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So My family consists of myself, my partner, his 7yr old son, 16 month old daughter and I am due in 7 weeks. We have had his son living with us for 4 years now and since he was still a young toddler, I knew we were going to have issues with him. The violent outbursts are so unpredictable and completely unstoppable! they happen at least 3 times a week no matter if we are at home or in public. He generally reserves the more severe ones filled with swearing (with threats on me and his sister's lives) for when his father is at work... I have tried everything.... out reach programs, therapy, doctors, friends and family, books, classes... I dont know what to do any more. No matter what we try, nothing has helped and has only made things worse. My partner is gone up to 14 hours a day, 6 days week, for work, so there is little help through most of these times, but with as consistant as we both are, things are still volitile. As soon as his father gets home he will run to him crying (and lying) saying that I have beaten him, threatened him, or refused to let him eat or drink and if his father wont hear it any more, he procceds to throw a very long and loud tantrum waking his sister, and causing a fight between his father and I.... I am at my breaking point. I dont know what to do anymore. I will not split apart my family and leave just because of my step sons issues. I know it is not the "step mom" syndrome..... I have raised him from the time he was only a few months old. I don't know what to do any more.... Please! Do any of you moms have some advice that could help?

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Laura - posted on 10/25/2010

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Well at 4 he was diagonsed with ADHD as well as ODD, but the doctors didn't give him anything for it until this past december. Bio mom has anger issues as well as bipolar, and holds alot of resentment toward my parnter and I, and has no issues saying so in her rare infrequent visits with him. As for the jealousy issue, we dont feel that he is. He loves playing with his sister every chance he gets and is really excited about another baby too. If my partner starts to get upset with me, I usually tell him that he is being disrespectful in the same was as our son, and he can talk to me when he is calm. Even if he hears his dad apoligize, and doesn't hear an argument, the next time I am alone with our son, he throws it in my face that daddy will always take his side so I can go "f*!k" myself. As for at school, we had physical and verbal issues in daycare and kindergarden, but not now. His issues in class(and at home) are ANYTHING involving reading... he is barely at a grade one level, but now in grade 2. we have asked many times for extra help for him, but are always told the mother needs to give consent as well, which she won't. Her theroy is, we have him, so he is not her issue any more, obviously we are the ones that dont know how to parent him, so it is our problem, and she refuses to give any consent....

Renee - posted on 10/25/2010

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What did the doctor or therapist say? I used to work with kids like this when I did child welfare, but it was normally because of the life style they were raised in before being removed from their homes. Some of it was strictly rebelling, some kids it was bi-polar, ADHD, and ODD. How do you react to his threats and tantrums? Does he still have visits with his bio mom where this might be causing some issues with him? When you and your partner fight do you fight in front of him or within ear shot? How long has he been having the issues? Might it be a jealousy thing with you being pregnant and "taking away" more attention from him? Some kids will seek out attention any way possible even if it is negative attention.
One of my old neighbors used to have a kid like this. It was her own biological child and she was a single Mom. He was on meds for ADHD and depression and was in therapy. He was also diagnosed with ODD. His mom wasn't much better off than he was though...We could hear them screaming and swearing at each other in the summer when windows were open. He would throw himself on the floor screaming, swearing, threatening her, and a full out tantrum. At school he was a very different child...never has an out burst.

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