Walking and Mother in laws

Krystal - posted on 02/06/2011 ( 42 moms have responded )

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Okay ladies…I need your help with this one.
My son turned 13 months last Saturday (the 29th). He’s been cruising for months but hadn’t let go yet. He has several walking toys that he does really well with, he can even turn them around, he just hasn’t wanted to let go. I stay home with him and we work on this stuff everyday and when he lets go of whatever he's holding on to he drops to his knees. My husband and I both felt that there is no need to push him though. We encourage him, but do not push. He will walk when he’s ready, right?
Well last Sunday I actually had a day out by myself and when I got home my in laws were there. When I came in my son was crying, screaming, and my mother-in-law had him dangling by his arms, trying to make him stand up and walk. Turns out, she had been doing this every time he got down to crawl!! I was so MAD, okay so I was PISSED!!! I took my husband into the bedroom and asked what she was doing. He said she’d been doing it for the last two hours!!!! When I asked him why he didn’t tell her to stop he had no comment. I told him if he didn’t take care of this, I was going to. After about 10 minutes after we were back in the living room with everyone, and she was still doing her best to make him angry, and my husband still hadn’t said anything, I was just about to ask her to stop and…he walked. He took about three steps all by himself. She went on and on about how she “had done it”. She wanted me to call my mom and tell her but…. I was heart broken. I mean I quit my job to stay at home so that I could be the one to do those things with him and she just couldn’t leave it alone! I mean if I had wanted someone else to do these things I would have continued to work and get a paycheck!
Ever since then I have been so upset. Every step he takes makes me cry. I have tried to talk to my husband and all he can say is that he’s pissed about it to but it’s in the past, we can’t do anything about it. He has no idea how emotionally hard that was for me.
I’m sorry this is so long ladies but I am really upset. I guess I need to know if I am justified in this unhappiness or if I just need to get over it.

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awww, Hugs, sweetheart! You know, I am a very calm, rational and objective person, in fact people tell me all the time that I "forget the human factor" (the effect emotion has on our decisions and actions) in arguments, yet reading your post made me steam!! I wanted to punch the lady. Besides the fact that it is very normal for babies to take up to 24 months to start walking and your little is no where near that, making him CRY just to teach a motor skill before he was ready is awful!



Really, your mil did NOT get him to walk, he just happened to do it then. If it was her method that got him walking, he'd have done it before, but he didn't--he waited until you were there, and he was happy, and then he took the steps.



You will get over it, but don't let her make you believe he walked because SHE taught him to, she didn't--YOU did. It was just bad timing.

Jamie - posted on 02/07/2011

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I'm sure its going to take some time to get over it but just think about all his other 1st things like: 1st word, 1st time going pee in the potty. O yeah.....your not alone, we all have crazy ass mother in laws that we woild LOVE to slap across the face!

Nancy - posted on 02/15/2011

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I don't think she made him walk either. I think it was wrong of her to try to push him so hard that he was crying. Why????
But, what I wanted to point out is that I have always heard you do NOT hold a child's arms above their head like that to help them walk. It is very stressful on their shoulders - and actually DANGLING him by them? - I do that now with our 2 year old and 4 year old, but NOT when they were first learning to walk. They now have the muscles to control it. Tell her if he is walking and needs some assistance, she is to hold his arms next to him, NOT above his head, because it puts stress on the shoulder sockets. And if he decides later that he wants to go back to crawling (because it's faster for now), tell her you would appreciate if she would not push him.
I also agree that your husband should back you up, if he agrees with you. If he doesn't agree with you, that sounds like a different argument. But it sounds like he just doesn't want to stand up to his parents - remind him that this is YOUR & HIS child, NOT his mother's child, and you and he will raise him how you feel appropriate, not how SHE feels it is appropriate.
I think you need to get over this particular incident, but it sounds like there is so much more to the situation. We all face the same types of struggles, but it needs to be nipped in the bud (preferably by your husband - let him know if something happens again, and he doesn't stand up to them, there WILL be a scene - be sure to give him the warning though, and give him a chance to correct it - it's HIS family; he should have the chance first).
Good Luck!

Alana - posted on 02/08/2011

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I know how that is. It really sucks to know your mother-in-law wants to take all the credit for something you too have worked so hard on but did not push. When I read that she was forcing him for over 2 hours I was getting mad for you. I do not think I could have held my composure to take my husband a side to find out what was going on. That shows great patience!
You really should talk to her about it though when you have cooled down and let her know that she should not force him to do natural milestones.
I too have a challenging mother-in-law so I wish you the best of luck in the needed conversation.

Kelly - posted on 02/08/2011

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Ok, I only skimmed most of the other posts, so if I repeat, please forgive. I would have been very upset with this situation too, mostly because she tried to force him into something he didn't want to do, and she had him so upset. I think you have given your husband ample opportunity to step in, and you will have to handle it, for your son's sake. Yes, you will get over it in time, but if she continues to treat him this way, he is going to be a very frustrated and unhappy child. I don't know how much time he spends with her, so maybe it won't really damage him that much in the long run if it isn't happening all the time. But it is so disrespectful to you and will only get worse. What if she decides he should be potty trained at 18 months or something? Is she going to punish him for wetting his pants, or say mean things to him if he doesn't "perform" to her expectations? My mother is a little like this, in that she is sure her ways are the best ways, but thankfully she isn't really mean to any of the grandkids, in the way that your mil just sounds plain out mean. I know she has good intentions, but really? Making him "cry it out" because SHE doesn't think he should have a pacifier? She needs to get over herself real quick. Good luck with this hun-hope you are able to put her in her place and still maintain peace in the family!

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Tracie - posted on 02/21/2011

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Poor kid was probably desperate to get away from your MIL's torture session and when he saw you come in the room, he bolted straight for you! So really, YOU are the reason he walked. :-)

Definitely have your husband talk with MIL if you can. She will only be able to hear the complaint if it comes from him. Her behavior was definitely crossing the line. Hard for me to understand how she could have kept it up while your poor little guy was crying. Has she no heart??

Whenever your little guy takes a step, remember, you are the love and the inspiration he used to take those first steps.

Leyla - posted on 02/16/2011

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Melanie - posted on 02/15/2011

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Ah Hunni, i think we all feel your pain on this 1!!
We all have someone that interferes & tries to steal OUR victories (mine is my mum) there is no point having a go at your MIL, if she's anything like my mum she will take it as a challenge & look forward to gloating over every little thing she see's your boy do 1st...you need to take a deep breath & get over it :D
in any case it sounds to me like he saw you & walked to get to you & away from her :D

Reanda - posted on 02/14/2011

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She was dangling him by his arms and making him upset and making him cry! I think he just decided to let go and walk to get the hell away from her, poor little guy. You'll get over it, but now you know that next time someone does something that upsets you, speak your mind and don't hold back, he is your son.

Abigail - posted on 02/14/2011

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aww I would of been mad/upset too.. but in time.. you will get to feeling better.. and then you can sit down and talk with your MIL if you need to and just tell her how you feel.. but now your baby is walking which is just awesome.. and at that age.. they can back and forth to wanting to walk to doing what they are use too.. chin up.. your still doing a good job with staying there with your baby

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You and your hubby teached your son all the days before and tried with him to walk. You gave him comfort...no child walks from yet to now in 2 hours....you teached him to walk, but unfortunately he did the first step with your mother-inlaw. Don't be upset....you teached him well :) SMILE

Kasey - posted on 02/14/2011

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Just know that he will do things as he ready, and when thinking of that situation, approach it (between u /hubby and baby not in laws) with a loving but joking attitude, at least you didnt have to torcher the poor boy and make him cry to get him to do it. U love ur baby and when anyone makes them cry of course claws are gonna come out, its only natural. But somethings are better left unsaid.

LovinLifeAsMommynWife - posted on 02/13/2011

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I'm so sorry...I totally feel for you. I would feel the same way. Just know that your little guy had been so close with his Mommy and Daddy's help. Your little guy probably felt like he had no choice but to walk considering he had been so forced into for a couple hours. Your Hubby won't feel the same way you do because 1. It's his Mom. 2. They just don't feel the same way as us Mommies do.

You and your Son are going to have so many special moments in the future. As hard as it may be, try to get over it and look forward to other moments to come. As a Mommy to my 3 1/2 year old Son, I know that the relationship between a Mom and Son is PRICELESS. Of course I LOVE my Daughter to pieces, but my Son makes me feel so special where my DD is Daddy's Little Girl. Bottom line, know that you helped your little guy to start walking.
Best Wishes!
www.ErikaCarrilloOnline.com

Carisa - posted on 02/13/2011

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You are completely right to be upset about what your mother in law did...that was very cruel to your son. However, she is NOT the reason he took those steps (unless it is because he wanted to get away from her and to his mommy) He took those steps because of all the time YOU had spent with him. You can't teach a kid to walk in one afternoon, especially if he is crying the whole time.

While I agree with your husband that you can't change what happened, he can still talk to his mother about how you felt about the incident. She may not even realize how upset you were. She's going to be your son's grandma for the rest of her life, so you need to make sure you can have a good relationship with her (even she drives you crazy) I would talk to your husband again when you feel like you can discuss it with him calmly and see if he will talk to his mom. I don't have any experience with this personally because my daughter was almost 4 before she stayed alone with my in laws (my parents watch the kids when I need to go somewhere, and I know I can yell at them if they are doing something I don't like), so if this advice isn't helpful, ignore it. I hope you find a good solution.

Amy - posted on 02/11/2011

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I can totally understand and appreciate your being upset with your mother-in-law. As others have said, he didn't walk because of her, it was his time. I think the key thing is that you were there to see him take his first steps!!! That's why you are a SAHM, right?! You were a BIG part of this milestone! Please don't beat yourself up and in the future, if someone is doing something ti or with your child that you do not approve of, remember that you are his mommy and you have every right to step up and say something! Give your baby a big ol' hug and love all over him!

Jessica - posted on 02/09/2011

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I wouldn't be upset about the fact that he walked for her if I was still there to witness it, but I would have said something the second I walked through the door at the way she was treating him. It IS true they will do things when they are ready. Forcing things upon them will only make them scared. I would be pissed if I was you. But like I said not because he walked with her first, but at how she treated your son.

Kylie - posted on 02/09/2011

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it sucks that she seems to want all the credit, just think of all the hard work you put in over the last few months. and that you were there to see it. i used to work in a babies room in a daycare, and we saw so many first steps that their mum and dads missed (which is one of the reason i chose to stay home). unforunatly you can't change how it happened, but you just have to tell yourself you did all the prep work, and everything, really you did it, not her.

Jessica - posted on 02/09/2011

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Don't devalue all the effort you put into helping him gain confidence to take those first steps, regardless of who was there for it. Consider your MIL lucky forbeing at the right place at the right time.

Renae - posted on 02/09/2011

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I just read your second post. Oh do I understand how you feel. When my baby was little she would come over, take him into another room where he couldn't see me, then when he cried I could hear her saying "no you're not going back to mum you have to get used to me". Who does that??? What the hell??? Like you, this is the very tip of the iceburg.

She stayed with her daughter mulitple nights per week (still has a room there, the kids are 2 and 4) for a couple of years after the kids were born, got up to them at night and parented them. All the while telling her daughter how to do things. My husband thinks she is the best mother in the world, probably thinks she is better than me though I dont think he is silly enough to admit that to my face.

I totally understand how you feel. How can people who really get it so wrong (sometimes dangerously wrong) be so insistent that they are right? It just boggles the mind.

I cant tell you how to make things better, because I haven't worked it out myself. My MIL isn't such a problem any more because I went through a phase of just not seeing her very often and that made her back down a lot. I couldn't stand her coming over every other day, I dont see my best of friends that often! And I was going to blow up at her so I needed some time away from her. But I dont want to keep my son from her, I want him to be close to both his grandmothers, so I try to get him to see her once a week (that is more than enough in my opinion). I also just shoot down whatever she says immediately and tell her how things WILL be done with MY son.

I know this didn't help much but just know that I understand :)

Vashti - posted on 02/09/2011

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While i get your perspective on how it all happened, dont' let that ruin the whole experience for you. I think sometimes we get caught up in our own emotions and loose sight of the great things that are happening around us. You are not wrong nor is your mother in law right, you just have to know the MIL/DIL battle will still be going on for decades to come, its not important who made him walk...he would have walked anyways, when he was ready, and he was ready at that moment. Time goes by really fast when they are babies, dont' spend it quibbing over who did it, there will be many many more milestones.

Bethany - posted on 02/09/2011

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Ya, stand up for your little family. They're yours, not hers. My MIL started in on me at my SIL's wedding, when I stood up for her and MIL was bitching behind her back. I had only been dating my husband for a couple of months then. I have never backed down and always have told her to pull her head in. She was always telling me how useless all her sons were, and I took it upon myself to set her straight. She has respected me ever since. She knows I call a spade a spade and not to mess with me or mine.



Chest out and chin up ladies!

Kristi - posted on 02/08/2011

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Think of it this way....your son walked at that moment just to get his grandmother to stop pestering him. AND he waited to take his first independent steps when you were home to watch. Now every time he walks it is for you, he's showing off his new skill to his favourite person in the whole world, you :)

Amanda - posted on 02/08/2011

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My son is now five but I remember I wasn't around when he started walking because we were packing for a move. Yes I was sad that I missed the first few steps but he was walking for my parents but I got other firsts that were just as special with him. You do have to learn to put "grandma's" in their place. My in-laws are from Pakastan so some of the culture that goes with boys irritate me to the hills. I learned very early that my husband wasn't going to say anything against the way his mom was doing something with our son because she has raised 6 kids and we are only raising one. So I took her aside and said this is my child we do things my way or I won't leave him here even for 30 minutes because I won't be able to trust what you will do when I am gone. She thought it was a horrible thing to have said to her, I was disrespectful, the list went on. Well not to long after my son turned 2 she appologized to me and said she didn't see how my parenting was actually working until she started to look at the bigger picture of how much more well behaved my son at 2 years was than her youngest son (he is 10 years older young for an uncle). It is always a challenge with mil's but eventually we all learn how to deal with them or bite our tounge and yell at our husbands. BTW I would be so mad at my husband (which I have been) for not stepping up, he has learned that if the mama isn't happy nobody's happy rule is deffently one you don't want to mess around with.

Ashley - posted on 02/08/2011

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I would be sooo hurt too, and angry with her. That is such a precious step in a babys life and it was basically taken form you. I may be wrong in thinking this but im very territorial of my daughter and I like to be her "first" everything (I think most Moms are this way). Maybe talking to her will make you feel better :)

Haley - posted on 02/08/2011

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I would have been pissed if she was making my son so angry and cry like that. For him walking I wouldn't be pissed,maybe your little guy figured the only way for her to stop doing that and to leave him alone was to walk. For her doing that to him probably felt like torture.

It seems your husband is too afraid to say anything to his mother so if I was you even after now I would tell her how I felt and how things will be going on when she visits and if she doesn't listen tell her she can leave. I wouldn't deal with that crap one bit and neither should you.

Seems to me like your hubby doesn't really care about his kid or he would have said something. And he really doesnt care about you otherwise he would have backed you up. Looks like he hates confrontation.

Elfrieda - posted on 02/08/2011

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Yes, you're overreacting. So you weren't actually the closest person to him when he walked. At least you were in the room. It's not a big deal. Feel sad, then get over it. He's not going to do every first in front of you.



The thing you should be upset about is your husband not protecting your child. The both of you are responsible for your son's well-being, and he should have intervened before his mother made his son cry.



It sounds like your mil hasn't moved from the "parent" stage to the "grandparent" stage. :( That's hard. You need to be firm and calm, and explain that, "You were my husband's mom. Now you're my son's grandma, and I'm my son's mom." Do that by interfering in any situation that you don't like. If she's dragging him around by his hands, take him to sit on your lap and say, "Please be gentle." If she's hiding his soother, tell her, "We've decided that he can have a soother. We'll take it away when he's 2 (or whatever age)", then get another one and give it to your son.

At the same time as you're taking back control, you've got to encourage the "grandma" to develop. Get your son all riled up, "yay, we're going to see grandma! Look, there's grandma! Peek!" You want him to love his grandma, right? You just don't want him to be confused about who his mommy is.

Nicole - posted on 02/08/2011

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i dont think i would have been peeved about her getting him to walk.. but i would have been F£$%ing furious for having my husband sit on his @$$, say nothing and watch while his mother pressured my child to the point of screaming his head off.. FOR 2 HOURS!! i honestly would have bitten her head off!!! and then his!!!

Krystal - posted on 02/07/2011

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Thanks so much ladies!! I really needed to hear all of this, especially the reassurance that it is all because of me J Kelly – LOL that’s exactly how I felt!! Renee – I do believe he did it just so she would leave him the heck alone LOL.

I think my problem is with the fact that she went completely against what/how she knows we intend to teach our son. It was also the “tip of the iceberg.” From her trying to give him table food at two days old (notice trying, that one I nipped very quickly), her taking his pacifier at two weeks old and hiding in the couch and letting him “cry it out” because none of her 7 other grand kids took a pacifier, to her telling me when we tell him no and he throws a little fit I should spank him and demand he stop crying! (I mean come on…he’s 1!!!) And everything in between.

On top of that my husband never corrects her (though once she’s gone he says he totally agrees with me), gets mad when I correct her, and then dismisses my feelings. He compared my feelings of this to my grandfather giving him a cookie a few weeks ago. Seriously, this is totally different and I think that’s why I’m really mad with him.

I agree with you ladies that I need to nip this. If I don’t I will be dealing with this type of stuff for the rest of my life. My hubby has three brothers and all of them have wives and kids. They have all passed their kids off to my in-laws since day one and I suppose she’s use to being able to control, guide, disciple, etc the other 7 grand kids in anyway she wants. I have tried to nonchalantly get her to back off, but she obviously doesn’t get it. And she’s gradually getting worse. Especially since my husband doesn’t back me up. Also, she’s always well this one was doing this at this age and that one was doing that at another age……they are not my children.

Sorry again…I know this is pretty much another post but it feels really good to get this off my chest. I really have no one else to talk to.

Renae - posted on 02/07/2011

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I had almost the exact same situation with MIL. Every time my baby dropped down to crawl she stood him up to make him walk. Now this is after me explaining to her several times, and actually nearly yelling to her "LEAVE HIM ALONE!", that he was not going to be ready to walk for many more months. He was a bit developmentally delayed, for reasons that aren't relevant to the story and would take too long to explain, and he didn't crawl until nearly 12 months. Crawling is an important developmental stage in physical development, I had explained to her that he needed time to crawl and fully develop that stage before he would be ready to walk and I didnt expect him to walk until at least around 18 months. But she just doesnt hear anything I say. Either I speak some strange language she doesn't understand or she just chooses to ignore me. I also constantly tell her that his development in other areas should not be pushed, he should catch up around the time he is 3 to 3.5, we DONT want him to catch up earlier because there is nothing good about rushing development. Dont these MIL's understand that?? It was the same with his crawling, constantly putting him on his hands and knees and pushing his bottom trying to make him crawl. The latest is talking. He is progressing exactly how he is expected to progress given the delays in his first 12 months of life, he just needs to be left alone. And BTW, your MIL had no business trying to get a 13mo to walk, the normal range for walking is 9 to 18 months, he had plenty of time to do it on his own before anyone should have tried to do anything about it.

On the fact that you missed his first steps, I dont know what I can say to make you feel better. Just know that you got all of those other firsts with him. And you still have learning to run and jump ahead of him which you can teach him. :)

Angela - posted on 02/07/2011

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I think it was a coincidence. She didn't do it. Trust me u need to nip this in the bud NOW! My son just turned 4 and i still have problems with my MIL thinking she can over-rule me. STOP IT NOW u r the mother not her.

Dawn - posted on 02/07/2011

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I would definitely be upset about it too. for me the issue would not be the fact that he started walking with your mother in law, but with the fact that your husband did not say a word to his mother about it. I have the same issue with my husband. I respect his mon and her opinion but why do men always turn into a pile of goo whenever they have to confront their mother??? I think it will take time for you to get over this particular situation , but there are other milestones ahead for your son that you will be able to be there for, just make sure that your inlaws are not at your house when you are not home. :) Best of luck.!

CHRISTINE - posted on 02/07/2011

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After 10 years of putting up with stuff like this, I decided to once and for all to put my foot down, ball her out and never speak to her again. It's been almost two years now and all I can say is that iIt was the best thing I ever did. My quality of life is so much better and my husband can't even get mad at me because he know his mother deserved it.

Lady Heather - posted on 02/07/2011

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20 months old this week and we are still waiting for the first hands free steps. It's not my MIL but my dad's girlfriend who is the problem. She thinks she can teach her how to walk. Well a kid this stubborn - you can't teach her anything. She does what she wants when she wants. I suspect your son was going to walk quite fine without the "help". It sounds like you were at least there for the first steps though, right? That's something. I bet after waiting all this time, my daughter will start walking during one of those rare moments when I'm not around. Just my luck.

You're justified in that the interference is not warranted, but it is probably just best to process it yourself and enjoy your walking boy. You could talk to your MIL but in my experience those types of people just get even pissier when you do that. You know what I do? We have a physiotherapist and I just tell the girlfriend that our physio says not to do whatever it is she's doing. Ha.

Bonnie - posted on 02/07/2011

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I would be upset too! First of all, It's not good to force them. Some children take longer than the average child. I find that for the most part husband's seem afraid to speak up. Good luck!

Amanda - posted on 02/07/2011

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Your MIL didn't make him walk! He was ready to walk because of all of the work you put in to letting him walk! Don't let someone else take your victory!

Katherine - posted on 02/07/2011

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Oh my goodness, I am sorry. I would be upset as well. There is nothing you can really do about it besides get it off your chest and get passed it.
I wont put my kids in daycare when they are little like that because I want to be there to enjoy my child doing something knew. especially during those stages.
She took something priceless, and special away from you.
Make sure you talk to her so that she learns to back off an let you have a turn at being the mom. You are the mom and she is taking over.

Alyssa - posted on 02/07/2011

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Its sooo hard when someone does something that steps on your toes and may even make you feel like you should have done something differently. I would be bothered by the situation too, but now your son is walking. The adventures are going to get so much more exciting. My son didn't start walking until he was 14 months old. We found out he has some fine and gross motor delays and he will probably be physically behind for a while. My mother-in-law blames me for some of his delays and makes it clear she feels I am the cause,



If you feel your "monster-in-law" ;) handled things in a way that made you uncomfortable, I would let her know, regardless of the result. He is your child, not hers. You have a right to decide when to push him or seek help for him. YOUR WAY!

Renee - posted on 02/07/2011

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I would have been mad if my MIL did the same thing. But SHE didn't make him walk, he was already at the point he would have probably done it without her "pushing" him. He might have just gotten mad enough at her and walked so she would leave him alone. When I was a baby (about 14mos) I would walk for my babysitters but not for my mom...
But I have to agree the event is done and passed and you have to let go. It will only make you bitter if you hold on to it. If your MIL has to think that SHE got him to walk, well let her think that, but you know it was all of your hard work and patience with him that actually got him there. My MIL is a real PITA (Pain In The A**). She even told me it was MY fault that I had 2 miscarriages because I was working. Now that I am not working, I am being "lazy" and "forcing" her baby to work his tail off. I became a SAHM because I lost my job and haven't been able to find a new one that will pay for childcare, especially now that we have 2 children.

Deborah - posted on 02/07/2011

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Hiya i agree with other mums when you calm down explain that you would have preferred her not to have interfered as much as you`re his mum! you can`t change the fact that this has happened so the longer you hold onto the angry emotions won`t help anyone! Be pleased you were there when he took his first steps and take comfort that it was most probably for you! There will definitely be more first times for you!

Stifler's - posted on 02/07/2011

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My mother in law is the same. She tells me that my son started clapping when he was at her house when I've been trying to make him do it for ages. They are a pain in the ass.

Alice - posted on 02/07/2011

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I would feel the same was i mean ur son was kind of forced into it. u will get over it. u might just be upset also cause she was there and it wasnt just the 2 of u that got to witness it.

Bethany - posted on 02/07/2011

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Ya, you'll get over it. The second you decide to. Then you can tell your MIL, straight to her face, with not much malice, that she really upset you when she was with your son when he walked for the first time.



She didn't make him do it, He just did it when she was there. And you wanted him to do it when you were there. You're his Mummy.



It's great that your son can walk! And that he knows his grandies. And that you can stay at home with him.



There will most definately be more firsts that you will miss, through his whole life, the point is, you are responsible for him being here at all. This might be an opportunity to flex your heart a bit and let it grow.

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