want to leave- where do i start with no money, savings or independance?

Meg - posted on 03/08/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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my daughter is 21months. her daddy is wonderfull in many ways and they are very close. He is a doctor and at times has to work oncall etc. Basically it comes down to the fact that since i've had a baby he has stripped me of all my independance. for example the car i used to have, it was my car and he gave it to my sister and bought me a range rover- which seems lovely but i can't afford to run it and i can't park it and it's all in his name. he wouldn't let me drive my old car with his child in as he thought it wasn't safe enough. he refuses to look after his daughter so i can work and refuses to pay for care, on top of that he has told me if i go out to work it has to be part time and if i'm earning i then have to give him money for all bills and the mortgage as it's his house and he allows me to stay.



My maths isn't brilliant but a part time job on minimum wage is unlikely to match that and cover the outgoings that a doctors wage would. if i need anything for myself i have to ask him for pocket money. he has stoped me doing the weekly shop and he does it now to be in more control of whats been bought. he tells me it's my job to be a stay at home mum and he pays me to do that with allowing me to live under his roof cost free. i worry if i have to leave and move out the villiage i won't have a car or anyway to get around amongst many other things, head starts spinning just thinking about it.



i'm really nervouse about telling him i want out as he is extreamly clever and as much as i will make it as easy as possible for him to have as much to do with our daughter as he wants i don't no that if he wanted to how successfull would he be in getting custordy as he is more financialy stable. we've been together just over 31/2 years so i have no rights to the house or anything. nore do i want them but i do want whats best for our daughter and argueing parents and a strained atmosphere is not it.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Nikki - posted on 02/03/2011

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This IS abuse in it'smost basic form. You need to keep records. If you have a close family member or friend that you can turn to to help, you should set up a separate email for you and one for them. Anytime he does or says anything abusive, email a record of it. They can print it delete the email and keep a hard copy for you hidden at their place. This way if you do have to go to court for custody or divorce proceedings you have a record and a solid witness. Also, I agree with tucking away a bit of pocket money. once you have saved up a little, you can find a cheap car or sometimes even a free one through some organizations or even on something like craigslist. HopE you can get out safely, feel free to PM if you want to find other ways to get started.

Leah-Mary - posted on 03/08/2010

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Hi Meg,



This is a very unsettiling situation to me. Where do you begin? well, first let me say, good for you for wanting to get out and realizing that you need to! It takes a very strong woman to do this... trust me. Ok, so rest assured that no matter where you are in the world, the father needs to pay child support and alimony if you are married, so you will have some form of income. The courts rarely give custody to the father when a child is this young. So feel safe in that. What you need to do right now, if you don't have friends or family to turn to, and don't want to go to a shelter is this; each time he gives you pocket money (ugh, how rude is that? like this is the 1900's and you need to be kept) start hiding a bit of the money. just a bit at a time so he doesn't notice. You can also start packing things away for you and your daughter, while he doesn't notice. Inlist a friend that you trust to keep stuff for you.

You can also call your local community center. ywca or shelters, they can offer you more help than you know.

This is a start. and what you need right now is a start.

Just a warning though, You may be unaware of this, but what he is doing is abuse. It is general the first step of abuse, control. He will gain control of you, then start belittling you and everything just escalates from there, so get out while you can.



Trust my friend, that you can do this, you are strong and you're doing what is right for your daughter. this is what's most important. you can do anything that you put your mind to. Be strong, and if you need to talk, I am here.

LM

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12 Comments

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Frannie - posted on 12/26/2013

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I'll just say I'm in a similar situation, and when I tried to (calmly and nicely) talk about us separating and me leaving, he basically ORDERED me out of the house the next morning. He even called the police, the dumb idiot, thinking that they would throw me out (he made up stories about me threatening to "steal" his liquor collection - yeah, 100 bottles is more important than our relationship). I spent the night kissing his a** and apologizing and accepting criticism and hateful words to convince him that I never wanted to leave him. See....I didn't trust that if I walked to the store or something he'd change the locks...I'm in a pickle with no money and I have to plan a sneak attack, which is horribly deceitful and I hate it. But sometimes it's the only way to go. Good luck.

Nicole - posted on 02/03/2011

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HUN DONT MENTION A THIN OR LET HIM GET THE FIENTEST IDEA YOU AR PLANNING THIS!! i will pm you further

Katherine - posted on 02/03/2011

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can i email you i dont want to share this info. pretty personal. sorry ladies, but i ahve been judged enough for my actions and everyone put the guy on a pedistol and felt sorry for him. reguardless what he did to me and my kids.

Pauline - posted on 02/03/2011

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hi meg ...............your partner is nothing but a bully...he is using mental and emotional abuse ....if you have a council near you register with them for a home you can do this via e-mail .....see a solicitor or citezens advice for what legal right you have regarding the home ...........you may find that he has to move out ....and the c.s.a. do take into concideration your needs if you know where he works ...hours he works ...and his national insurance number they will take payment straight out of his wages ....as for the car take it youve earned it .....add me to fb if you want .....another tip is to open another e-mail account so you can recieve mail without him knowing ie housing offers hope this helps .....and yes i am a survivor and done all that i advised

Valynn - posted on 03/10/2010

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Hello Meg, I competely agree with Maura. You need to do what is best for you and your daughter. Be strong, and don't be afraid to reach out for help from someone. I know you dont want to alert any attetion to you wanting to leave him, but keeping it bottled up in your head has to be driving you mad. Let him get the paternity test, at least then he will have to pay some sort of child support ( I am not sure how that is handled in the UK). Even if he is not putting his hands on you, telling you these things is complete emotional abuse and cannot be tolerated, not by a women who knows it is wrong and is trying to get out. I commend your bravery in this matter and wish you well. Take your daughter and go get the life you deserve. All my best. V. Soto... P.S. If you make it to the US and are in Texas you are more than welcome here! =)

Leah-Mary - posted on 03/10/2010

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Hi Meg! I'm glad I could help, sometimes all a woman needs is a little validation, knowing that what they believe is happening, is. The YWCA is a ymca, but for women, you can also check out the ymca.

Get the paternity test. It will set things straight, but also, the person on the child's birth certificate is responsible for the child. So, have no fear. he is just trying to scare you into not moving forward. Unfortunately, sometimes things get nasty, before they get better. I too am going through a custody battle at the moment and my ex thinks he's going to get full custody. He's out of his mind and is trying to scare me. Don't back down!
Get your family involved, you need a biased opinion. you need the biased support of your family. They will keep you strong.

You can message me anytime you need to talk!

Maura - posted on 03/09/2010

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By the way, Meg, you are a beautiful girl and deserve true happiness. There are plenty of wonderful men out there who would be crazy over you and treat you like a princess. Don't give up on men, on love, or on yourself. Start imagining in three more years you could be getting married, have a better role model for your daughter, and live the happy life that you DESERVE!

Maura - posted on 03/09/2010

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Meg, You are indeed in a tough situation. This is an abusive relationship that you need to find a way out of. I take it you live in Britain (Americans say 'math' without an s :) and the ywca is in america) The good news is that you do have a benefits system that can help you. Go talk to them about what is available and if you can get benefits while living with your parents (is that an option?, if so don't tell them until you are pretty close to leaving or they might interfere and tell him). This guy obviously expects you to leave and is afraid you will take money, which is what you should try to do. Ten pounds here and there, pretend it's for a cofee or something, start going out regularly w/ the baby. Try to get over your fear of driving this ridiculously large car - when you leave, drive away in it and let him get a court order to retrieve it. But honestly, getting out and being poor is way better for your daughter than having an unhappy and abused mom and an abusive dad. I've seen women stay either for the money or thinking it was better to have a dad around -- and every single one of these relationships ended very bitterly when the child was older and the kids were MORE harmed when it happened at 6, 8, and 15 years old (real people I know) than if their moms had left when they were babies or toddlers. Young kids adapt really well and she'll have plenty of time to form a relationship with her father. Since you guys aren't married, when you leave the power will revert to YOU and you'll have control over his visitation etc. Don't tell him you are leaving until you really mean it. Go find out your rights, what benefits are available, and plan your exit. Good luck, be strong, and do this for you AND your daughter.

Meg - posted on 03/08/2010

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Hi Leah-Mary

Thankyou for you response, it was very helpfull.

All the friends i have are mutual and i am lucky to have a very supportive family. i try not to tell them the gradient of the situation to much because i wanted to avoid biast opinions.

I was waiting for someone to pick up on the emotional abuse aspect, i have thought it myself but then i convinced myself i was maybe feeling a little to sorry for myself and over reacting.

my partner has allso told me that if and when i leave i won't see a peny from him untill a perternity test has been completed, which i don't see to be a problem in the sence of my own morals and fadelity, but i do see it as a horrible thing to say and a problem with income untill the test is completed. i've herd the C.S.A. child support agency will sort out most things but not without taking a cut.can i just ask what is the ywca.

thankyou again for you reasuring words

meg

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