What do I do when I want my mother out of my life? Please Help!!!!

Caitlin - posted on 03/02/2010 ( 25 moms have responded )

70

13

10

Not too many people can understand what Im going through with my mother. Be patient with me as I try and give you a summary of my life with her.



My parents divorced when I was six years old. I saw my father only on his days off. I never saw him on my birthday or holidays. As a teenager my mother constantly called me fat. One day before school started she took me to a clothing store for women who were sizes 18-30...I was a 10-12. So then I get married, have a baby. Whenever my husband and I wanted to go out my son would go stay with her. Well evening when she was watching him she called me accusing me of beating and starving my child. She was drunk!! Thankfully my son was asleep or I would have gone to get him at the moment from her. After that I told her that she would not be a part of our lives until she admitted that she had a drinking problem and got some help. I went three months without talking to her and only gave in because she called me everyday and emailed me constantly. She also turned my entire family against me. This past December my Grandmother(her mother) passed away..in her Will she left her wedding ring to me. Now my entire family has known since the day I was born that I was to get this ring upon her passing. My mother took the ring as soon as she died and has been wearing it ever since. I was told by family member to be patient, that I would get it. Yesterday I found out that my mother has been going to all of my family members telling them that I would sell the ring if I got it. So now Im being told that the ring is going to stay with my mother until it can be put into a safety deposit box.



I just cant understand how a mother can do all these things to her own child. I am greatful for all the things my mother has done for me but I cant take it anymore. She causes me way too much stress and makes me feel like a horrible person. How do I remove her from my life? I just dont know what to do. Please help!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Seren - posted on 03/06/2010

5

22

1

sounds shit in a bubble no offence my mums no peaches + cream 1st of al i wud speak 2 sum1 from citizens advice or a soliciter or d police bout d ring cus its not ur mums choice 2 make 2nd of al jus stop talkin 2 her if ur family side wit her fuck dem u dnt need people/family 2 make u feel low bout urself ders a sayin u can pick ur friends shame bout d family change ur numba block her thru ur emails wateva remba think bout ur son u wudnt wan him 2 go thru wat u av or brain washd + surround urself wit d friends + family who do care 2 help u thru it

Amanda - posted on 03/05/2010

4

13

0

if ur mom is being a bitch sorry for my words but i think shes jealous of ur life style and what u got , a mom u says ur fat like wth is her problem !!!!

u can still talk with her only on the phone !!
dont go and see her and plzz dont bring ur baby there so she can baby sit!
move on with ur life and show ur mom u dont care no more and ue done with her shitttt

have a good day love :D

Petronela - posted on 03/05/2010

21

32

1

hunny if you really want her out of your life then you should think about seeking legal advice and a restriction order for you your child and your husband , also u can get a copy of the will and get her to small claims court and if that was left to you there is no way the judge would not let you have it , also think and talk to your husband about moving and if possible for him to travel to work if not maybe the company could place him somewhere else or just find somewhere else ...i know its all these things that makes the situation difficult but if thats the only way to have a happy family then dont hessitate sweetie and good luck

Amber - posted on 03/02/2010

23

11

14

your going threw a hard time and this is what i wud do... if i lived somewhere near her i wud think about moving.. i wud drop all contact... as far as her e-mails.. i wudnt read them i wud just delete them or get a new email... if u read the emails she is either one going to make u feel like shit or she is going to try and get u back in her life and i dont think that u need that.... u have ur family now... u dont need that stress on ur shoulders.. change ur number and i wud email her one last time and tell her that u love her but u cant take the abuse that she is givin u.. and that u want to get away from it.. and until she gets help that u dont want nothing to do with her... u dont want ur kid around someone that does that stuff to u... cuz u also have to think about the fact that ur daughter might pick that up and start doing that... and that is the last thing u want... i wud remove every possible way of her getting in to contact with u.. if u move she will have no idea where u live... and maybe once a year drop a letter in the mail letting her know how ur doing but mail it from a different town with no return address... u mail it from ur town she will know due to the stamp on the envolope... or u dont even need to do that... im sure u have had a break up before... treat ur mom as a break up... alot of ppl try to stay away from there ex's as much as they can... but good luck with everything and keep ur head up things will come tru u have a family and thats all that matters... and as far as the ring u can take that to court... and at the same time put a restraning order on ur mother if it comes to the point...u can file for harassment.. good luck!!

This conversation has been closed to further comments

25 Comments

View replies by

Andrea - posted on 03/06/2010

45

17

0

I'm sorry for what your going thru right now. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I think you already know. Your a mother now. You understand that you would never treat your child like that. Tell her that she needs to change and fix things with your other family members or don't contact you anymore. About the ring since it was left to you in a will they have no choice, but to give it to you. Well I hope everything works out. Just remember your family comes first ( your husband and child).

Jacquetta - posted on 03/06/2010

2

0

0

Take some time away from your mother, I can tell that this is really bothering you! I can also tell that you love your mom and want only the best for her. However, you are married and have a child of your own, it is time to focus on them! All moms, at least some moms have difficulties expressing themselves to their children and say and do things to get attention. I would call her every once in a while to see how she is doing and I would visit on occasions to make sure she is ok! But that is all! Remmeber, you have a little one now, love that baby and your husband and be the best MOM you can be! My mom was a good mom, a little negativity only made me stronger and work harder to be the best at everything! I am a better Mother, Sister, Friend, Buisness Woman, because of the things my mom said I could not do! Turn the Negative past, into a Positive future! I promise you life will be good! Oh yeah! Always put God first! Hope this helps!

Sheila - posted on 03/05/2010

2

0

0

No one can give you "perfect" advice, as only YOU have walked in your shoes, but I was raised by my birth parents--an obsessive, perfectionist mother, a sexual abusing, loving father, in a Christian home. Despite my years of dealing with all of it as an adult, I was able to come to terms with them both. I never let my kids stay with my parents (because of my father's sexual addictions) and I helped my mom when he went thru years of torture from Lou Gherig's disease, which he died of, immediately upon my showing up to say goodbye to him, at 65 yrs of age. I wanted my own kids to have the luxury of grandparents, both on the same genetic side, as I never had that growing up, only a great maternal grandfather, and a sweet paternal grandmother. So I USED this to my own benefit: let parents be good grandparents, forgive dad's molestation of me and my l'il sister to the point I could stand to be around him, and after his death, my mother, major paranoia and all, is my most respected, loved relative. after all, she found out about what he did to us, chose to live up to her vows "for better or worse" and I would go to the ends of the earth to care for her, despite that her "mother" skills were soooo not what "I" consider a good mother (she being a perfectionist constantly ended up slapping me or pulling my hair when I used good vocabulary communicative skills to outwit her theories as a child) because I have learned from her mistakes (she never had a mother, hers died and was long-term sick from cancer) and made sure that my kids were never subjected to her narrow-minded methods. But I can tell you that age mellows us all. no, she never had an alcohol issue (neither did my sexually abusive dad) they had other issues that can be just as damaging to children (my own sister is younger than me and has spent her life as a hypochondriac (and reaped those benefits as she is now, finally dying of cancer, after numerous other illnesses have been diagnosed) but I have never regretted my decision to include them in my and my family's lives. I do believe God forgives when one changes their ways, and my parents did. However, all of that said, most people on here are right about cutting your mom out of your life if she let's her alcoholism rule her life. I lost a child at age 15, and spent years drinking myself to sleep every nite, just NOT to think and remember the pain of that loss. Was I an alcoholic? Everyone else said so..but I disagree. I used alcohol to bury the pain, and when the pain finally subsided after 3-4 yrs, I quit drinking. However, I NEVER drank in front of my last 2 kids, I didn't drink all the time, ONLY to pass out at night, after kids and husband were asleep, so I would NOT lie in bed crying and thinking about my loss.

I pray you find your peace. I pray you have the strength to do what needs to be done, because as the victim of abuse, I had to hype myself up to even confront my parents about their issues and effects on my life, even as an adult. God Bless You in your life and your decisions.

An understanding MOM

Kristy - posted on 03/05/2010

4

18

0

Caitlin, I am sorry that you have to go through this. I also know how all of that feels. Sometimes in life you have to make the choice to cut someone negative out of your life. I have done the same in my own life. I lived with a very abusive father until my parents divorced (I was 9) unfortunately my mother reunited with my birth father when I was 21, it was devastating to me. I partially cut them both out of my life for a while, but realized that I loved my mother so much, and only had a "cordial" relationship with him. My mother passed away in Nov 08, and since than I have only spoken to him 4 or so times. I felt horrible for a while, but realized I did the best thing for myself and my husband and son. There is no way that I want my child growing up knowing the type of person he is. (I was also molested by him for years) It may hurt at first to cut her out, and the people who tell her about you, but in the long run, you are doing what is best for you and your family. If she sees that she doesn't want her life to be like that without you and her grand child and son-in-law in it, than maybe she will find the strength to get sober, if not, you will know that you did what needed to be done. Good luck with this and know that you are not alone, and that you can be strong!!

Andrea - posted on 03/05/2010

5

16

0

I haven't recently "divorced " my father so I can understand what you are going through. When i finally made my decision it was like a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am no good with confrontations and always get my words mixed up when confronted so I wrote him a letter. A fully thought out, several page divorce letter. I told him my reasons and that I didn't need a response that my mind was made up. I needed to get everything off my chest without being interupted and it worked. He did send me a response letter that I did read but filed it away afterwards. I do not regret my decision and have no plans on speaking with him again. He has tried to send me and my children birthday and christmas money (which I DID NOT cash the checks) I don't want to send any mixed messages that I am willing to accept his money but just not talk to him. No I don't want anything from him and I filed the checks away with the letter. (I did take my own money and put it in the kids piggy bank so that they weren't negelected the gift, but it was from me not him) I hope this helps you, you're not alone in this. You have to make the decision that is right for you and your family.

Caitlin - posted on 03/05/2010

70

13

10

Thank you Anna. I dont have a problem with people who have different opinions with me. My only issue comes when someone is being rude. I hope that one day mother realizes that she has a problem and can get help. It really upsets me to have to even consider putting her out of my life. Anways, this is a public forum but as I have said before this is also a place where women can find support. If you dont agree with someone then thats fine. But dont be disrespectful.

Anna - posted on 03/05/2010

7

12

1

i agree with ink. i don't see what she said as negative. it was sound advice. drinking is a disease. i grew up with an addict for a father and yes i kept him at a safe distance but never cut him from my life. i am now almost 30 with my own child and thankfull for the choices i have made. my father has 2 yrs sober and has met my daughter. he is a much better and kinder man then i thought he could be and maybe with the proper help your mother could also grow as a person. keep yourself and family at a safe distance for now but don't do anything you could regret one day. good luck with your issues and remember this a public forum and if you do not want opinions that differ from you own you should not post your personal problems here.

Gretchen - posted on 03/05/2010

2

22

0

You can and should keep anyone negative out of your life. The stress they cause will make you ill and if you end up like me you will take out your anger and frustration on the family members that really love and care about you. No matter what though YOUR CHILD COMES FIRST. That is why I made my decision to keep my father and all the relatives on his side of my family out of my life. All those that still talked to him and took his side I no longer have a relationship with. Everyone but my father still continues to go the same church as me and at times it can be tense but all in all it is better for me and my child. I have yet to resent it. And if your mother is anything like what you have written here then you won't either. Stick to your guns no matter what pressure you are given by other family members. Only you know what is best for you and your child. Good luck and god bless girlfriend! Things will get better in time.

[deleted account]

I do not agree with ink at all. I have a dead beat dad. He paid his child support but at the age of 10 he told me he had children he loved and I just wasn't one of them, and when he would make promises to see me, and not show my mom told him she was done making excuses for him. He said "I didn't ask you too". and that was that. I made the choice to remove him from my life because it was harder to deal with all of the hurt and disappointment all of my life. He told us he was coming to my high school graduation which was a big deal for my family because i was only the 6th person in several generations to graduate, and we saved seats and everything and he didn't show. Same went for my wedding. My mom said it was only polite to invite him and he said he would consider it if he step grand children weren't coming for a visit. Sometimes a person can not deal with the pain and the disappointment of a bad parent. It has been a long road for me, but it has been much easier to deal with the fact that he's just a disappointment and a jerk than it is to try and try and try and keep getting your heart broken and hit with drama. You CAN and should remove your mom from your life. Just because it's your parent doesn't give the the right to make you miserable and kill your self esteem. I hope you read this Ink because you need a little lesson of you own. A parent CAN be removed from one's life and in some cases should be. I know I'm living proof.

[deleted account]

Neither you or your child needs a negative influence like that. It is hard to deal with someone who is delusional and plays head games. You are definitely correct in needing her out of your life for your sake and the sake of your child. I would move away if I could and if that's not an option, move to a different house in the town or city you are in and don't let her know where it is as well as change your email address and phone number. If she continues to harass you, I'd get a restraining order and enforce it. Don't be afraid to call the police if she shows up or won't leave you alone. You need positive influences in your life and you mom is definitely not one of them. It's hard, and I understand your being grateful for all she's done, but a life time of good deeds can't make up for what she's doing now. Taking her out of your life is just that simple. Do it, take her out and don't look back...I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it is necessary for you and for your family and at least you know that...Good luck.

Caitlin - posted on 03/04/2010

70

13

10

Ink you are just a negative and a rude person. This is a place for postive feedback and to get support from others. Please do not reply on here if you are just going to be negative.

Thank you to those who HAVE BEEN POSITIVE. Its nice to hear from someone besides my husband that I can do this. Pamela Im so sorry to hear about what your father is doing. Good for you for getting away!!

Pamela - posted on 03/04/2010

16

32

1

Caitlyn, You CAN completely get her out of your life if you feel that is what you need to do for you and your family. As far as her turning people against you, if they buy it I feel they don't need to be in your life either. I agree with everyone else ( except Ink) change your locks your email, and drop all contact. if she shows up call the police. Get a restraining order if you have to. Me moving away from my parents was the best thing that could have happened. They came to visit in Oct, and we had a complete blow out. I finally let out feelings that I had been holding in for over 20 years! My father has always been verbally and physically abusive and I just can't stand to see him verbally attack my mother anymore. My mother has on blinders. I don't think he physically abuses her, but the ways he used to punish us back in the day would be a sign for protective services to come out. They have also not tried to contact me. Yes there are some days I feel like I should call, but I also feel betrayed as you probably do too. Verbally abusing you and telling you that you are overweight and other hurtful things as just as bad as being beaten. They are your parents they are supposed to love you unconditionally, and keep you safe and when that does not happen it hurts!! My brother and sister moved across the country the second they could, i was stuck by them till my Husband got the job offer where we are now. It is hard to cut off completely, but like I said if you feel that is best than make the changes to do so...

[deleted account]

Well obviously, I didn't say what you wanted to hear, did I.

Apparently your mother did the same thing.

Caitlin - posted on 03/03/2010

70

13

10

How dare you Ink. You think I chose to live close to her. No I live where my husband found a job and where he was already living! And as far as my weight goes. A size ten is not fat! She took me into a store for obsese women. So dont you dare say it was just her way of making her realize my weight problems. If I acted the way my mother acts to my own children I would not be suprised if they didnt want me in their life. She is a horrible person. I have tried several times to tell her how I feel and what my issues with her are. She does not admit to having any problems!!! Dont you dare get on here and insult my weight and ask me what I would do if my children wanted me out of their lives. I am a better mother than she ever will be!!!! Do me a favor and dont reply to post if you are just going to have negative comments.

[deleted account]

You are never going to be able to completely remove her from your life. You have made your home really close to her, you obviously wanted to be near her. People make mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. And the only way that we KNOW these things are mistakes is by VOCALIZATION. You HAVE to communicate how you feel, what you need and what you expect from your relationship with her.. the same as you would a best friend, or a mate. No parent is perfect... none of us are. I have made mistakes raising my children and step children. Your mother has made mistakes. I would imagine her reason for taking you into a plus size clothing store was an attempt to shake you into realizing your weight issue. It's about as subtle as a bulldozier, but so is my mother... I am familiar.
As far as the drinking goes.. of COURSE you are going to prevent your child from being left in that situation again... it could be deadly. If she is hindered by alcohol she is not going to be able to provide quality care for her grandbaby. Tell HER that. You have to SAY what is on your mind, even if someone else is not going to like what you have to say. Your job is to put your life on the line before anyone would hurt your children.
Please do keep in mind that Alcoholism is a DISEASE... and irrational behavior is to be expected by anyone suffering from alcoholism.
As far as the ring goes, it will work itself out and be nothing one day. The ring will either go in a safety deposit box, or at the worst end, you won't get it until your mother passes away. Either way, it's only STUFF. I understand it's precious to you... but again, it's only a possession.
Your family can't be replaced. You will only have one mother. You don't have to like everything she does, or says. She is still your mother. Deal with her, Keep her at bay, Start some supervised visitation, whatever. But know, you can't just write your mother out of your life. You can learn from her. Do the things she did well, and repair the things she did wrong. How would you feel if your OWN child were to cut you out of their life the same way? It would drive me to drink!

Renae - posted on 03/03/2010

2,209

23

154

Here is what my older sister said to me when I first told her I wanted to cut dad out of my life:

The day you find out he is dead, how will you feel about cutting him off? Will you feel guilty the day he dies?

My answer is no, I wont feel guilty. How or why she and our brother still speak to him is beyond me! I was 18 at the time and my sister convinced me to wait until I was older to make this decision. I never changed my mind and at 30 decided I would not speak to or see him again. I hadn't spoken to him more than twice in 5 years anyway, I ignored his calls and told everyone not to give him my address.

When you cut someone off, especially someone who will not admit their wrongs or apologise, there is no point giving them your reasons or getting into an argument about what they have done. I just do not reciprocate any communication. If he calls my phone I cancel the call. Last time I answered without looking who it was and as soon as I heard his voice I hung up (and did not answer the next 50 times he called for the rest of the day). Get caller ID on your home phone if you dont already have it. In my case my dad doesn't know where I live, but your mum might turn up at your house. You will have to be prepared to open the door, say "I do not want to see you again" and close it again, and do not open it again until she leaves, even if she bangs on the door for an hour. You will also have to make the decision to never attend family gatherings that she will be present at. You also have to inform the rest of the family of your decision so that they do not give her your contact details in the years to come, at some point you will move or get a new number that you do not want her to have.

You have to be sure that you really want to spend the rest of your life never communicating with your mother in any way EVER AGAIN. This is a life long decision you are talking about. Dont do this unless you are really serious.

My father is one of the most evil son of a bitch to ever walk the earth and society will be a safer place when he is dead. Only you can decide if your mother is worthy of a relationship with you. Out of respect for my mother and siblings I cant elaborate further.

PS if you cut her off you will have to sue her for the ring, you will win, there are no legal grounds for contesting the ownership of a piece of jewellery.

Caitlin - posted on 03/02/2010

70

13

10

Thats exactly what I did when I didnt talk to her for three months. But Im really close to my aunt(her sister) and she tells her everything about my life. I really am to the point where I want to move away. My sister did that and she is much happier.



As far as the ring is concerned. I dont care if it was a ring or a pillow. It was something my grandmother wanted me to have. And I should have it. I plan to pass it along to my children and keep it in the family if I ever get it. Thanks everyone. Its nice to hear that what you think.



By the way I live only five minutes from her.

Kristin - posted on 03/02/2010

1,645

40

305

I agree with what the others have written. She is toxic! Do what you need to stop the contact; unlisted number, spam block her, change your e-mail, mark snail mail as return to sender.

It's just a ring. If family ask, just say that you had hoped to one day pass it on to your own child or granddaughter. Tell them that you are sorry that they would take the nonsense she is spouting over what they know to be true about you. If you decide to share contact info with them, make sure that they understand that they will be cut out also if they share it with her. They need to understand that you find her to be toxic and do not want her in your life. Enough is enough!

As for the why, who knows. It sounds like she may just be some severely damamged goods.

Good luck.

Carolee - posted on 03/02/2010

21,950

17

567

Stop all contact. Get a new email address. Change the locks. Move without telling her (if possible... probably not). Don't open ANYTHING that you know is from her. Change your phone number. Be a hard-ass about it! If she starts turning your whole family against you, do the same to them.

Jessica - posted on 03/02/2010

310

12

28

Do what you think is best - do you want a person like this in your life and in the lives of your child/children?
If a person is toxic - get them out of your life - it doesn't matter if it's your mom or anyone else.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms