What do you do when you tell your husband you need a break and he responds by telling you to grow up

Audra - posted on 02/23/2012

When you feel you can say so without crying, tell him it was rude of him to tell you to grow up. You are not his mother, and he is old enough to do for himself. Explain there are 3 extra people to manage and who place demands on your time, and that if he insists on leaving his stuff around the house he runs the risk of his stuff or the kids' stuff not getting picked up. You are one person caring for 4 before he even gets home, and you have your limits.

Penny - posted on 08/27/2009

Time to tell him if he can't be a good husband and a good father to hit the road! By marrying you, he signed on for the responsibility of being a caring husband, and father. That said, I think you need to talk to him and explain the seriousness of this issue. It is possible you are too overwhelmed, and could be suffering from depression. Get to your doctor, and if your husband doesn't take it seriously, consider a legal separation, let him know you mean business!

Summer - posted on 08/26/2009

I feel the same way!!! We have 3 kids: 12, 7 on Sunday, and 2. I sometimes feel taken advantage of, and taken for granted. He gets mad when I don't ask for help and I get ignored when I do ask for help! It helps to know that I am not the only one!

Amie - posted on 08/25/2009

I have considered this so this may a great help.

Jami Aka JamiQuan - posted on 08/25/2009

Explaine to him that you ARE grown up and that is WHY you are talking to him about the issues that is bothering you. I also like the idea of leaving his mess for him to pick up while you clean other things. On a side note and not to pry but it sounds like you and your husband have some deeper issues that need to be discussed. With a new baby and 3 children total perhaps its time to sit down and have a heart to heart about what each of you are expecting from each other as husband and wife and as parents. Additionally counseling is a GREAT things. ;0)

Lydia - posted on 08/25/2009

You are have a lot in your plate my dear...at least school will be here and you will get a break from a six year old...but what a 2 yr old that demands your attention and a 2 month that requires it. I have a two yr old and they are a handful...I do not know if this might help you but hear it goes....if you can place the 2 yr old in a daycare for a period of two days a week. Now ....how is that going to help with your husband? Well here is when it gets trick you need to talk to him. He might also be frustrated with the situation. Explain look when you r at work you get a lunch break with 2 10 breaks.
If you want the house to be clean..help me or give me time so I could do it. A stay at home mother needs a 1 hr break..just like his get one at work. The 2 days for the 2 yr at daycare allows him to play and interact with other children his age. He will not be bored. And those days you could have time for you and newborn. Or at least to get caught up with some stuff. If he dos not help you after you talk go on strike just like suggested before by previous comments

Natasha - posted on 08/25/2009

Excellent!

Tina - posted on 08/25/2009

I can't complain to much, but all husbands do slip up and forget that our jobs are 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We don't get weekends and holidays. My husband had a problem realizing how much work this was for me until I was in the hospital for a week. We have three kids so he couldn't be by my side the whole time like he wanted. The time at home with the kids gave him a new perspective. He even told me he has no idea how i manage to get anything at all done with three kids running around my feet all day. I just go out with my gal pals once in a while for a break from mommydom. He doesn't complain much anymore.

Martha - posted on 08/25/2009

Oh honey!! I'm so sorry.
It must be so hard to have a new baby, and two older kids, and a husband who isn't very understanding. You certainly don't need a 4th person to be taking care of!
I have mentioned to my husband that it really bothers ME when he leaves his laundry around, anmd if he wants me to do his laundry than it needs to be in the laundry basket. I didn't wash his socks that were around the house and he ran out and asked where all his socks were, around I told him. His socks end up in the basket now.

Jodi - posted on 08/25/2009

I'm dealing with the same deal, granted after this child I cry more then I ever recall. So when he comes home, and the baby has been sick or has been fussy because she's beginning to teeth I've done nothing all day. Granted he's not behind the scenes to see diapers, and cuddling her to make her feel better about the pain of her teeth pushing through. He doesn't see the massive clothes changes, or attacks the house counter acts on me when trying to clean. He doesn;t see the massive amounts of laundry done per week.

I'll start to tell him my day, then I get cut short and told about his then about how he went out. Which I hate, I don't have a social life but he can go out everywhere. I tell him when I stress about how I get cabin fever, and things are a bit hard. When he tells me this, I ask myself where is this sweet man I fell in love with.

Tina - posted on 08/24/2009

The biggest problem here is the way your husband is speaking to you. He needs to be more mature and respectful in addressing your needs.

Kimberly - posted on 08/24/2009

Good for you! I'm so proud of you that you sat your husband down and you two discussed it as adults. That's awesome. I completely understand your feeling overwhelmed. It's a 24/7 job and it's never easy. I think our husbands don't understand what our days are like unless they're given an opportunity to. Many times now my husband has told me, "I don't know how you do it. I can't handle a couple of hours every day with them and you do this all day, everyday." It's nice to have him understand how taxing it can be. Maybe the next time you and your husband sit down to talk explain some of what your day is like and ask him if he'd be willing to help you some. And try to get some breaks from the children. This is a huge mistake I've made. I rarely get a break from my children. But the times I do I come back refreshed and ready to enjoy them. I wish you all the best. :)

Donna - posted on 08/24/2009

Give him a weekend by himself with the children and you go off to a spa! He needs to realize that your job is 24/7 and that he has a family job as well by doing his part to keep you sane. Night after night my husband would not help clean the dishes or play with the kids, so for 3 nights in a row, he came home from work expecting a nice dinner. I told him I did not feel like cooking dinner. He was shocked, so now, he either plays with them or cleans up the dishes with me.

Andrea - posted on 08/24/2009

Being a stay at home mom is the equivalent of have 2 full time jobs.(Atleast) I understand you feel like it is your job to keep the house clean, do the laundry, cook, take care of the kids. Especialy since he works. But You are not Super Mom. There is no such thing. He has to take care of some family duties too. Think of it like this at work he gets breaks and a lunch hour. When is the last time you got a break??? Please remember you are important and you have to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. If he doesn't understand how much work it is maybe you should leave him home alone for the weekend with all your responsibilities. Make him a list of what you do everyday. It is very important that he understands or you won't be able to handle this on your own and you marrige will fall apart. That is kind of where I am right now. My husband has neglected his family obligations for so long I wanted to leave. After getting counsiling he has tried to be better but my feelings for him have died. I hope this doen't happen to you. Take care of yourself. Good luck!

Lubna - posted on 08/24/2009

It is understanding that your husband may be tired from working but let's face it. If there was no wife or children he would still be going to some job. A stay at home mother has a job that doesn't stop when the clock reaches 5 p.m. You need to get in a break once in a while for not just your sake but your children as well. You may need to approach your husband in a calm and gentle manner and explain your need for a break. If that doesn't work, then you probably have bigger issues than a husband that doesn't get it.

Patricia - posted on 08/24/2009

I honestly tell him to kiss my a$$!! I would go with Dawns advice though...LOL!

Jeanne - posted on 08/24/2009

I think that a lot of you on here are really bitter about your marriages.



If your husband wasn't will to help you sometimes and give you days off from being a mom then maybe they were not they right men for you to marry.



My husband works 40+ hours a week and then comes home every night and takes care of our son while I cook or he cooks while I play with our son. Then I do the dishes while they play. Then we put the baby to bed and have our time and I don't mean sex. Its important to do this for him because when I do he is ready to rope the moon for me. If you love your husband its not hard. Just sit on the couch and let him lean into you and wrap your arms around him and give him kisses on the head. Rub is hair and tell him thank you for working so hard for you. Ask him about his day or let him talk about the baseball game. He will love it I promise. And then after a few nights it will turn into a back rub and cuddling for you. It really works unless you have a jerk which is rarely the case.

Jeanne - posted on 08/24/2009

I heard a story once about a lady who would be really upset at her husband because he left his socks in the living room or on the floor in the bedroom. She said I am not your maid pick up your socks. Well he never got it and still left them lying around. She continued to pick up the socks and be mad everytime she did. Then one day her husband past away suddenly. She noticed that there were never any socks to pick up. She longed to have those dirty socks there because that would mean he was there.



My point? I try to remember dirty socks everytime I pick up after my husband. I would rather pick up all his laundry, books, and other things for the rest of my life if that means that my husband is here with me...loving me, going to work to support me and our child, and just being an all around great husband who just can't remember to pick up his things.

Emily - posted on 08/23/2009

I would tell him that you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. I had the same overwelmed feelings and instead of talking to my husband i just withdrew into my shell and became depressed that I had to get medical help for. so, what we have done is to higher a babysitter who comes twice a week for 3 hours and that way I get a break and can do things that I want to do. But, I think your husband needs to realize the seriousness of your feelings.

Gianna - posted on 08/23/2009

Men don't understand how we feel. We are with our kids 24 hours a day 7 days a week with no break until bedtime sometimes not even that. I would pick a day and leave for a couple of hours let him take care of the kids and clean and see how well he does. Another thing you could do is throw it in a garbage bag put it in the garage and then when he asked where is his stuff at tell him its outside . My husband did that to me all the time until his things started missing now he put's stuff away right when he gets in the door. it works

Anne - posted on 08/22/2009

I found that that two children were fairly manageable... it's the third that put me over the edge. I really empathize with your feelings of frustration. It would be lovely to think that you could "reason" with your husband, but it doesn't sound possible in your situation. I would NOT recommend just kissing your little ones on the head and walking out the door for several reasons: 1) He truly may not be capable of caring for them properly and keeping them safe. 2) It may also be upsetting to your little ones to see you leave ina huff and 3) It may not be feasible if you're nursing your baby. I would recommend joining or starting a mom's group or play group with other moms in your town/neighborhood. Mom's in the group can swap babysitting times... that way you know your kids are with a "like minded" mom when you need a break. The other moms can also provide the emotional support you are desperately needing. Check local hospitals, pediatricians, ob/gyns, churches and schools to find a group. Hope this helps. If all else fails, withold sex... THAT will get his attention! LOL! Goog luck!

Lynn - posted on 08/22/2009

He needs some insight into what you go through on a daily basis. I would suggest he experience your role for a whole weekend while you go away (a week would be better but hard to do). He sounds immature to respond that way. He needs to become aware of how draining young children can be. Tears are not a need to grow up; they are a sign you are overwhelmed, exhausted and not getting the support you need. Hang in there are look to friends or family to help give you a break so you can recharge your battery.

Amie - posted on 08/22/2009

Thank you everyone for the advice & sympathy. I want you all to know that we worked it out. I told my husband I needed to talk to him & so we sat down & told him how hurt I felt by the things he said. He told me he responded the way he did because of how I said "I needed a break". Like I did not want or loved them at all. But because of how emotional I was it came out negatively. So in the future I have to watch how I say things. He is understanding and does help out a lot w/ the kids & as far as the picking up his clothes & stuff that's another battle that I might never win. But we can't all have everything.

Stacy - posted on 08/21/2009

The first thing that I would do is not talk to your husband when your emotional crying, angry or otherwise! Tell your husband a few days in advance that you want to take him out to dinner and talk to him about a couple of things! Give him some time to prepare and know that you guys are going to talk! When your out at dinner or whatever then talk to him about how you feel! You have to understand that men dont think with emotions like we do they think with there minds! Let him know that you love staying home with your kids but that him cleaning his things up would really help you out and make a difference! Allow him the time to change and forgive him when he forgets! If he sees your attitude change then maybe his will too! Sometimes I even tell my husband to just deal with the kids while I clean that way I can get everything done faster without dealing with my kids! I have a almost 2yr old and a 3mon old so I feel you! Hope this helps!

Michelle - posted on 08/21/2009

He should help out and stop leaving his stuff all over!!!

Jessica - posted on 08/21/2009

After having a baby you husband should be pitching in to help around the house till it gets easier on you. Just because you stay home shouldn't mean he doesn't help when you need it. Yes he goes and earns a paycheck that that doesn't mean that he is meeting your needs or children's needs. You guys deserve a lot more then just money.

Your baby is only 3 months old so I can see how you would be emotional and how a small thing hurts and makes you cry and get emotional. Men so don't get this. It's so annoying! Your hormones are out of wake. You are sleep deprived and your job never stops.

My husband was like this for our 4th child. He just didn't get why I couldn't be super women. Women are strong but we do break!

I don't have advice for you really. I couldn't figure it out with my own husband.

Just try to talk to him when you are upset and do it in a way that isn't attacking. Just tell him what your day is like and ask him to help out. What else can you do? But know that there aren't set jobs in the house. If one of the spouses needs a hand they should pitch in even if it's not their "job".

Misty - posted on 08/21/2009

Just pick everything else up but his stuff until he gets the hint. I take my husbands stuff and throw it in his closet floor. When he wonders where all his stuff went I tell him to look in the pile in the floor. He never notices because his closet is always a mess so the added mess gets right by him.

Christina - posted on 08/21/2009

That's just bull! My sister currently has the same problem of her boyfriend thinking that because he has a full time job and she only works 25-30 hours/ week that all of the house cleaning and child rearing is hers to deal with it. Even if you're not working outside the home at all, housekeeping and caring for children is a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week job and he's putting in maybe 40 or so outside of home. If he's not helping at home he's NOT doing his part.

Heather - posted on 08/21/2009

Yes, you cannot change him so you must change you! I know it is annoying, my husband leaves socks in the couch cushions,soda cans,H2O bottles, paperwork and his dirty dishes lying around.So I just leave them there or I put everything in a box that sits on his closet floor for him to look at everyday instead of me.

Heather - posted on 08/21/2009

Then I do what grown ups do.I grab my keys and leave him home with the kids for the day or night.Grown ups have no curfews,do not have to ask to go grocery shopping,do not have to ask to drive their own car.Grown ups don't have to answer to other grown ups...unless it is our boss!

Tricia - posted on 08/21/2009

Tell him you are grown up and thats why you need some grown up time :)

Jo - posted on 08/20/2009

Why do men do this? It seems to be a nearly universal problem. I found the best thing with mine was to wait until we were both calm and happy (not in the heat of the moment) and explain exactly what i needed from him (need, no want. The distinction is very important. If you say want, they seem to think you don't need it.) Doing things like not cooking tea for them or not doing laundry made my partner very resentful and closed off. It might feel satisfying at first, but if you're in it for the long run i think you need to treat each other like adults (that goes for him too)

Kerri - posted on 08/20/2009

i would just leave it till he has no clothes ...

Kimberly - posted on 08/20/2009

He works outside the house but I bet he gets vacation days. Do you? Nope.
There are some smart ladies here. Dawn and Julie have the best advice. Jackie is right in that a "work stoppage"will only help if your relationship is strong. If you are crying, he needs to understand there is a real problem.
Something else too. You and your hubby need couple time. No kids, just you and him.
Have a relative look after the kids while you two go out, for dinner or a movie. Too tired? Have dinner at home while a relative or a sitter takes the kids to a park.
Responsible hubby + happy wife = HAPPY LIFE

Roxana - posted on 08/20/2009

I tell my boyfriend that I am not his maid or his mother. No one picks up my clothes or any mess I make. Of course I don't throw my clothes on the floor. But the point is to be an adult and be responsible for yourself. I do the same thing as Dawn. If your clothes are not in the hamper, they don't get washed. I thought I was the only one who had to deal with an immature man...LOL!

Tammy - posted on 08/20/2009

Girl, hang in there..hopefully it will get better. i like a lot of the women said stopped doing everything for him. (clothes,dinner,pickin up, and SEX) and well within a few hrs...he was starving, and asked me to fixed him something for dinner.lol but leave him alone for a day with all three, thats what i did also. and he will realize that it is not so easy being mommy all the time for 3 kids!! if he dont realize well then show him the door. nobody should have to do everything all the time with no break. i wish you the best of luck....remember YOUR A GREAT MOMMY!!!!

Tiffany - posted on 08/20/2009

I'm sorry...but your post title made me laugh! I know how you feel though, when my twins were born, I felt so alone, and like I was doing all the work, I was always tired, no time for myself. Your babies are still small, so I'm sure your caught up the same thing right now. I don't even remember the first 18 mos of my kids' lives! One thing that really helped me out though, a stranger (a mom of twins herself) walked up and told me that "God only gives twins to people who can handle it"...I'm sure it's the same for three little ones. Hang in there...things will get easier!

Julianna - posted on 08/19/2009

i agree,we're partner of life,so,it means we hv 2 doing things together,help each other,mayb if u could show him how helpful n encouraging u r 2 him,then u can ask him 2 not being so childish n pick up his ow things...i think u hv 2 b more strict

Aletta - posted on 08/19/2009

Wow! I read each of these posts and I agree with all of them! I think that you need to sit down with your husband in a quiet, calm area, preferably out of the house so there are no distractions (hire a baby-sitter for a few hours) and tell him what is going through your thoughts, what you need from him and from this relationship. Yes, he works, but so do you! You need to make him understand that you are not dumping the kids on him when he gets back from the office, but you need time for yourself as well. It makes you a happy, better person, an individual who needs to feel that someone does not need something from her every 15 seconds of the day. Go for a walk by yourself, run some errands, or get together with some friends for an hour or two. A few hours is not a lot to ask, and he gets to spend some personal time with his children.

Picking up after oneself around the house is invaluable. My husband and I go through the house after our daughter is asleep and put things back in their place. It doesn't take long, and it keeps the house semi-organized. If you both do this for fifteen or twenty minutes each evening before bed or after the kidlets go to sleep, you have more time to spend together, or doing something that you enjoy and makes you relax. Parenting is a 50/50 split between both partners and should not be dumped onto one person. Make sure that the lines of communication are open (try not to start a conversation by pointing fingers, even if it has been a super-rough day) and things should improve. Good luck and remember, we're all here for you!

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2009

Tell him you have an appointment and leave him home with the kids for a few hours and see how he deals with the responsibilities!

Jackie - posted on 08/19/2009

If he worked and lived on his own he would have to do all those things. Stop doing EVERYTHING you do for him. Stop cleaning his stuff, laundry, cooking his meals. Run your house as if he isn't there. When you come along his belongings don't just pile it beside his side of the bed... you pile it ON his side of the bed. When he questions you about it, tell him to "grow up" and take care of himself. That you aren't his mother or maid and you don't mind doing your part but it doesn't give him the right to be a slob and take advantage of you. When he gets the hint then you go back to being the good wife and partner and doing your part again. Remember something like these "helpful reminders" will only work if you have a strong relationship. If you think it will be a tit for tat situation.. then don't start a war you aren't willing to fight.



Honestly, I asked my husband for help one night with getting dinner ready. He started to tell me about how his co-workers always have dinner on the table when they walk through the door after work. I told him before; I start dinner when he gets home because its hurtful and insulting when his dinner gets cold and we eat without him because he NEVER eats dinner when he first gets home. He isn't ready for it. So instead of repeating that and defending myself. I told him, I don't need your help and you can starve. I made dinner and made sure there was only enough for me and the kids. Now I don't even get a huff if I ask for help and he sure doesn't complain about when his dinner hits that table any more.

Stephanie - posted on 08/19/2009

WOW!!! I know how you feel in a way! My ex-husband would come home from work and not really be able to tend to our 1 child.. In fact, while I was cooking dinner one night, and he was supposed to be watching our daughter, he forgot to close the baby gate and she fell down the stairs before she was 1yr old.. She is 3 1/2 now. Thank god she didnt get hurt,,, I couldn't leave the house without my daughter because she wasn;t secure and comfortable with him. If I did leave the house to go get medicine or something for her, he would call me within 5 minutes because she would just keep crying.



For some obvious reasons, that's why he is my ex-husband and no longer my active husband.



As for your husband, I would plan on when he comes home from work, get your purse, be dressed, and ready to walk out the door to go to the store or the mall just for a little break. Go get a coffee, and just sit and relax.. When he confronts you about it, say I need help to and since you're not willing to participate in me taking a break, I'm doing it anyway. I'll be home in a little bit. Kiss your little ones and go.



While you're gone he will realize if he has any compassion for you and your relationship, that it is hard to do even though it's what you do all day.



Good Luck Girl!!

Kylie - posted on 08/18/2009

MY hisband says exact the same thing to me. Last night I got the Im supervisor in a factory and stressed out I dont need to come home to my kids and wife in a stressed out environment. I told him he knows where the door is if his family is too stressful for him, to which he had a dummy spit kicking the toys around all over the place. I am lucky though because I play hockey and do get a break, and he does look after the kids when I do this so I shouldnt complain.
f he doesnt want to give u a break have u thought about joining a gym with a creche or something and just go relax in the spa or something. Sounds silly I know but its kid free time. All the best to you I know how it feels I only have 2 kids that are 2 and a half and 13 months-cant imagine what its like with 3....ALl the best :-)

Melissa - posted on 08/18/2009

what is the deal with men ???!!!! they just make themselves look so stupid !! My husband said "well this is what you wanted." in response to me being tired and wanting a little break. WHAT , excuse me....no dear I wanted a husband to at least be right along with me on our journey and somewhat empethetic.

Hang in there girl, the first few months are extra tough, as Im sure you know. Dont forget, even a quick trip to the store-by yourself- is sometimes enough to lift spirits and give you a breath of air. I always put on a little make up, changed my clothes, and turned up the music loud in the car too !!! xoxo

Spring - posted on 08/18/2009

I would remind him that y'all want to teach your children to pick up after themselves and be responsible for their things and that the best way to do that is by setting a good example.And then I would go about business as usual, but not do things he should be doing on a daily basis anyway, like putting dirty clothes in the hamper or putting his work things away. It may take awhile, but he will eventually cotton on. And don't let yourself feel guilty about it! We moms have enough on our plates without guilting ourselves about what others should be taking care of.

Hannah - posted on 08/18/2009

wow..first off congrats! three kids takes grown-up work so clearly he doesnt need to reiterate this. next up..i think you should pat yourself on the back for stepping up to your roll as parent--the very fact that you feel the pressured means that you are doing your job. men come under pressure too so perhaps its the stress speaking..try not to give it much thought unless he repeats it often. if thats the case you may want to wait until you both are in a good relaxed mood then broach how you feel. explain it saps alot of your energy already picking up after three kids and if that doesnt sit well with him, maybe he needs to babysit for you on one occassion so he sees for himself how taxing it is. if he cant see the light, he may need glasses. no offense.

Sabrina - posted on 08/18/2009

i wish i could give you some ideas of what to dobut im in the same boat my husband thinks just cuz he works all day that he can come home and leave his clothes all in the floor and dishes layin every where and that i should pic up after hiim after i spent the day doin laundry and cleanin house and takin care of our two kids.so i could use some help to.

Stephenie - posted on 08/18/2009

I'm curious if he has ever spent a whole day with the kids by himself? Try having him take your job for a day (maybe for your birthday or something). And don't just leave him with the kids, leave him also with the list of chores that you would normally try to get done that day. Maybe after a few switcheroo days he will start to get the big picture.

Heather - posted on 08/18/2009

You tell him you'll remember that when its time to have sex and your to stressed and tired!!!!

Elaine - posted on 08/18/2009

get an old wooden rolling pin and say very slowly what did you sat dear? LOL Just kidding. tell him you need a break and kiss the little ones on the forhead and go way a few hrs, if your worried about kids, have a friend or family memeber drop by but tell them not to help him, after a few hrs of crying feeding changing diapers he might have a better appriciation of what you do. Good luck