What do you do when your husband has friends he can go out with but you have none?

Jenny - posted on 01/24/2011 ( 19 moms have responded )

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We've been battling with this for two years now, ever since my son was born. We now have two young kids (26months and 8months) and im in full mummy mode. All my friends find it difficult to hang out with me as they work during the day and go out at night, but i cant really do that, i've got kids. And slowly but surely i've drifted apart from my friends. No one makes the effort anymore, but i dont mind so long as i have my husband, he truly is my best friend.

However, with my husband, he has at least 4-5 close friends who love gaming, fishing and playing soccer and always invite him to go out. Every time he asks if i'll be ok with it, im NOT okay with it. Because the result is me being home alone with the kids having to take care of them which is what i do every day all day long as a stay-at-home-mum. I have no one and i care about no one else but my Husband (and kids of course). But i let him go out every now and then because i dont want to be that wife that never lets her husband out. However, every time i let him out i am so resentful!

I dont know how we can possibly find a good balance here when I’m in mummy mode and care more about my kids being taken care of and having time for my husband than hanging out with friends, and he cares about keeping friends happy. Sure he loves me and wants me to be happy, but at the same time he wants to go out with his friends too. And that’s understandable, but when i dont have that same connection with my friends or even the will to have it, its real hard to swallow.

How can i possibly feel peaceful with him going out and leaving me behind? A few of his friends are married and i just don’t get how their wives let their husbands go out? Makes me look like the bad one for wanting my husband to hang out with ME. Don’t they feel that way too? I've tried to ask them, but they brush it off and laugh and say it does get to them, but at the end of the day they want to see their husband happy. I want that too, but its not enough to keep me happy and it does affect the way i view my husband.

To me, i married my husband because i wanted to spend every minute with him. He does not feel the same way. He loves me very much but wants a healthy balance with hanging out with friends too as well as some alone time. What is wrong with me (or him?) that i just cant see it that way. I really would be completely happy if he was by my side with every little thing i do, my companion that never leaves my side. (or at least that's what i feel is missing)

Do i need counseling or something? I dunno, it seems such a trivial thing compared to the real issues people have with their marriages, yet it affects me so much!

Any advice from someone who's been there or understands what i feel but can handle these feelings? Any advice at all on how to get a healthy balance?

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Mary - posted on 01/25/2011

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Hi Jenny, I used to have a simmilar issue. my husband and i sat down to discuss the issues that we were having and realised that once we got married and had kids we had to look at our lives in a different way. We look it as having three seperate, but important lives. Our family life, our couples life, and our individual lives, once we realized that each was equaly important for a healthy marriage and family life, we both stopped feeling resentment. It took a while for us to prioratize the different aspects of our lives, but now we spend more time with eachother than apart with our friends. I guess for us it was just knowing that he other knew we needed that time.
I hope this helps you, and good luck!

Melisa - posted on 01/24/2011

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I have been married for 10 yrs now and my husband and I go through that from time to time. (im sorry about my spelling, its not my strongest skill) keep in mind people are waves of emotion and they will change, this wave is clinging and thats fine, as long as you and your husband talk and are forgiving of each others feelings. i agree with the other ladys about talking to your husband about how you feel, but this is not something he can solve alone.You are in full on mommy mode and that consumes you,( and totally normal by the way!) becuse it is only one peace of who you are ,it will make you feel like you are missing something, or craving something and you dont know for sure what. what helped me was structure, make a "date night" this is not just you and him dinner and a movie, this is you and him sitting across a table holding hands looking into each others eyes and talking about the dirty dypers and dishes in your life. working out a plan together for the next week. being a team. it will help you feel more like you are not alone in this! and when he does want to go out with the boys for trips and things call up the other wives and have a play date, get sitters and dress up and go out, or take the kids to the park with the other wives. dont just sit at home thinking about it, that only makes it harder to still like him. But most important trust that you both wont give up and you will make it!

Melisa - posted on 01/25/2011

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i remember feeling like the wives of my husbands freinds did not like me, or on a good day i just did not fit in, but it turned out that we were just all shy. you could ask your husband to have his frends and there wives over for dinner, the boys go off doing boy things and it gives you a safe place to get to know the ladys! and about date night. sometimes my husband and i just take a picnick to the park. or a walk down town and grab an icecream. it does not have to be expencive as long as you both make it important. sometimes i spend more time getting dressed up for the date that we actually spend on the date ha ha, getting ready to go out can be fun all by its self. when money was real tight i cooked dinner and the kids put candles on the back porch for us and we had dinner and music outside on the padio. the date night is really just about you and him making each other the direct center of each others attention, the rest is trivial. good luck!

Emily - posted on 01/24/2011

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Are you invovled in Early Childhood classes or go to events for kids and parents. I have found it easier to make friends at these type of places where my friends have kids the same age as my kids so we can have play groups. Although, it would be nice to not go out with the kids in tow at least this gives me an option to converse with adults especially adults that hold the same interest I do...kids.

Bonnie - posted on 01/24/2011

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I don't think you need couselling. I think the way you are feeling is normal. I have felt the same way. When you talk with your husband about how you feel or that you are not okay with it, does he just ignore your feelings and goes anyway?
When my husband goes out sometimes I am fully okay with it. If I am not too tired or I had an alright day it may not bother me, but on the opposite end of the spectrum there are times I just can't stand it. I feel his time outside of work should be with me. It's tough.

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Jess - posted on 04/22/2012

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I love it when my husband goes out with his friends... because when he comes back, it's really good. I've never even thought of stopping him because I accept that he needs friend time sometimes and when he asks, I know he needs it. Just like he would never stop me.

Donna - posted on 01/26/2011

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So difficult...I used to feel thiis way, but now that I have kicked myself up the bottom to go and do a lot of things with the kids, I now have a couple of groups of friends that I see during the day or in the evening.
I still don't go out often, but Al always cancels his plans if I am wanting to go out, as I do it infrequently.
He works late now, but until recently, a week looked like this:
Monday. in for an hour before mountain biking until 11pm
Tuesday Band practice until 10
Wed home by 8.30
Thursday home, but out for a run in the evening
Friday pub at 10pm so we get some time together first
Sat or Sun he will go out biking or to the pub, and stay in the other night.
I accept this, and over the years I have come to enjoy my bit of peace, but also that the time I get is to coin a corny phrase "quality"
If he doesnt socialise (which he really doesnt do more than twice a week) or get excercise, then he will suffer from stress, and the whole family unit suffers.
I now have my own life too, and when we go out together, we have an amazing time, as we both have loads to talk about.
My advice is to try and find a social circle of your own first, and then see how your feelings are about the situation. In your current circumstances I think it is not surprising how you view this.

I expect to have this again later this year as I suspect we will be moving to San Francisco area, and I will have to start the hard job of finding friends again!

Tiffany - posted on 01/26/2011

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well i totally understand the you are at home all the time and when he comes home of course you want to spend time with him and have adult conversations. it is okay in my opinion that you let him go out he deserves to do things other than work however he needs to give you that pleasure too and if you dont have friends go make some go to a movie by yourself or call a family member for lunch or dinner leave him at home then maybe you will stop your resentment and he will know how you feel on the opposite end. :)

Stifler's - posted on 01/26/2011

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I would say yes to connecting to husband's friends wives. I had NO friends when we moved here. My husband used to invite people over for pool and pizza at shift change and I hated Tamara and Jo for ages. Now they are my best friends. Even though Jo is 40 and I'm 22 and Tamara is 29. We just started hanging out more and organised BBQs for the weekend and stuff, it made me feel not so lonely for ages I wished they were my age but now it doesn't even matter. I've only lived here 2 years too.

Wendy - posted on 01/25/2011

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Cling much? :) Just messin' with ya.

If I could spend every moment with my man I would but I know that isn't possible. I don't hold resentment towards him over anything, ever, but that is because I don't really give a crap about hanging out with "the girls". I'd rather stay home and read a good book when the kids are in bed. My husband has work out buddies and he goes to the gym at least 3-4 days per week and I let him have that release. He needs it. My release comes when he walks through that door all pumped up and ready to let some more testosterone out! :)

[deleted account]

First of all, it's not trivial at all, so don't beat yourself up for feeling this way.

You need friends, I know right now making time for yourself and your friends feels more like a chore than a treat, but do it anyway because when your littles are a bit older, the "gotta-be-with-them-syndrome will fade--I promise! Plus, the fact that you go out alone will help you deal with the resentment when he goes out alone--you'll be balanced: He gets a night, you get a night.

One of the ways I cope with the guilt/ make myself commit to the chore of going out myself is that it gives my husband some one-on-one time with our son. Like you, when my son was little, given the choice between a night with my girlfriends and a night with my family, I'd pick the family hands down every time, but that was not only unhealthy for me, but it deprived my husband of valuable time alone with my son. I get it all day at home, but it is a special treat for him....ya know?





I noticed date nights with friends was mentioned above and this is a great idea. My husband and I also host or attend game nights once a month at our friends homes. The kids get to play, until we put them down for bed :) and we have a nice dinner, play a fun game like Taboo or MadLibs, and just chill for the evening--it is a great balance between family and friends.

Charlie - posted on 01/24/2011

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Jenny even if you only meet up with your friends once a fortnight or even once a month for coffees or a dinner party it still keeps you in contact with them and things will move naturally .

Im not sure what your husbands work schedule is like so it is hard to say but you can schedule time :

Monday - family
Tuesday - Family
Wed - couples night ( something special just for you two )
Thurs- his friends night
Frid - your friends ( day or night )
weekends for family again .

That is just an example and of course if something big is on say like if my Fiancee wants to go see a concert then I just schedule it in for that month as a little extra .

Also once a year my partner and I organize a weekend for ourselves but majority of time is dedicated to family but it sure makes life interesting and fresh it just takes a little organization .

As for not feeling welcome , is there a reason for this ? I know sometimes people think "oh they have kids now they wont be able to come " and you kind of get left out but you know I just say " That sounds awesome , I would love to do something like that " and it all ends up good , sometimes it is just that they don't know if you will be interested .

Jenny - posted on 01/24/2011

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maybe i need to try harder to reconnect with old friends or my husbands friends' wives. But it is hard when you dont feel welcome. I am learning that maybe i need to do that to feel good about this whole thing.

I just worry that if both my husband & i have friends that demand our time we wont have much time left for each other and the family, and that is most important to me.

I have talked to him, i always do. At least two times a week this topic gets revisited because it keeps happening and makes me so resentful without even realizing it. We will keep talking and hopefully somehow we'll work it out.

In the mean time i love hearing other peoples stories on how they make it work. How can you let your husband go out without having negative feelings about it?

Renee - posted on 01/24/2011

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My husband and I have been married 7 years. We have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 10mos old daughter. We live about 300 miles away from family. I have been a stay at home mom since my son was 12weeks old when I lost my job. We moved when I was pregnant, to a very small and more rural area. My husband works full time plus, at the local hospital and is on the local volunteer fire department. He has a lot of friends and likes to go out. Granted he doesn't go out very often because of all the hours he works...but when he does I feel really left out. He does a lot of fishing, hunting, snowmobiling, paintballing, and target shooting. I like to do all of those things too and before we had kids I used to go out and do all these things with my husband. My husbands friends all wish they had wives like me- I don't put up a stink when he goes out and I don't "forbid" it.
Because I am a stay at home mom in a rural area, I don't know anyone and RARELY get a babysitter. When we go to visit family, my mom will watch the kids where we can go out for a few hours but that is about it. I miss going out with my husband like we used to before we had kids- and so does he. BUT it doesn't stop him from going out with his buddies and leaving me at home with the kids.
We have talked about setting up a "date night" at least once a month but that has yet to happen. Lack of time, money, energy, and babysitters.

Charlie - posted on 01/24/2011

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I have kept my old friends by making time for THEM and it was only really in the beginning because now they know I can have a happy , healthy family AND keep in regular contact with them they make the effort to see me .

I am lucky in the fact I have a very supportive partner who understands my time to interact with my friends and have stimulating adult conversation is just as important as it is to him and without doubt know he is 200% able to handle our boys ( 6 months and 2 years ) for the short time I do go out and grab coffee or have lunch with my girlfriends and in return I do the same for him , when he wants to see his friends he absolutely can he is an extremely hands on Dad who is part of home life in every way so I feel he deserves to have downtime with his friends and he reciprocates .

Humans are social creatures , we need to interact with others to learn and grow and that includes you finding time to either reconnect with old friends or find some new ones perhaps through a new hobby or sport .

Christy - posted on 01/24/2011

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To me it is NATURAL for you to feel this way. That being said.....

Can you make friends that you have a common interest with, primarily moms in your area? Even if you only go out once a month or every other month with other moms, it is good for you and your relationship with your husband. There are mom's groups all over the place, in the UK, US, etc (depending on where you are at of course). It is great you want to spend all your time with your hubby and kids but let's be real here. Your kids will grow up and move out one day. Once that happens, you are going to need a hobby, job, etc to keep you busy. It is VITAL to have a life outside of your immediate family, even of you go out every once in a blue moon. Friends outside of family are important! AND give your hubby's friends and their wives/girlfriends a try every once in a while. Keep your mind open to new friendships. This will also allow you to spend time with hubby, his friends, and their SO's (significant others).

Also try to have a night out every once and a while with your hubby alone if you don't do so already.

[deleted account]

No, you don't need counseling. Talk to your husband. You need to find a good balance. I moved across the country with my husband and then we had our daughter. I stay at home so I've only met a few people. Sometimes it's frustrating when he wants to do something with his friends, but I say fine as long as he spends time with me the next night. We love to do lots as a family so we may go shopping, out to lunch/dinner, etc. and then we watch a movie together after our daughter goes to sleep. You could also ask for some mommy time if you need it. If he's planning to go do something with friends, I may have him watch our daughter so I can go get my hair cut or go shopping without a toddler screaming at me lol. You really need to just talk to him to find what works for you and your family.

Karen - posted on 01/24/2011

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I can understand. Your not alone.
My hubby is a truckdriver, so during the week. when he is home he's sleeping. Then on weekends if he's off. He wats to hang with friends. All I want is a minute to myself and sometimes, some alone time with him . After kids are asleep.
I would work on getting some mutual friends that can hang at your house to play cards.
Some cuople therapy to help work on communication as well.
Plus a big time dose of some me time. I know you want to stay home but one night you have him watch the kids. You go out with your non kid friends or whatever. It will help recoonct. you with them.
Hang tough. it takes awhile. Still working on it myself.

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