what would you do

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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my husband just informed me that he wants no more kids.but i really really do.i married him thinking he was ok with 4 kids.and than i settled down to 2 i dont want my daughter being a only child but he said no more what do i do

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Kristin - posted on 04/20/2010

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I sounds like you need to sit down and talk about why you want such a large family and why he wants to stop now. Two kids does seem like a very reasonable compromise. When you do start talking, do try to keep your emotions under control. I know, sounds a lot easier than it really is. This is a profoundly personal and emotional topic, for the both of you. Unfortunately, once emotions enter the picture clear communication goes out the window and you will both be more firmly entrenched in your positions and confusion.

There is much truth in it not being his choice alone. You both need to make this decision together. Good luck.

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Rebecca - posted on 04/17/2011

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That's tough...In our family we had both thought we'd have 2-3 kiddos, but after our first we were both surprised to discover that our family was complete. Definitely makes life easier when you land on the same page.

I don't like the idea of pulling an on purpose oopsy - that just doesn't seem like something that ends up equaling a healthy marriage.

I don't have much new to add, rather I'll bring my voice along with the others who are suggesting having an open and honest discussion with your husband. I hope you'll be able to find some kind of compromise. In the meantime, prayer and space might be the best answers here. I know if I (or anyone) pesters my husband about something it just pushes him further in the direction I don't want him to go. So maybe plant the seed of the conversation you'd like to have, ask him to think about it, and while he's (and you are) thinking, perhaps to get the ball rolling both of you could write up lists of your pros and cons to adding to your family...Just a thought, could be a real eye-opener. Good luck to you.

[deleted account]

I am in a similar boat. My husband and I agreed, way before marriage that we were going to have 2 kids. Our 1st came a bit earlier than expected but she has been a blessing (now 19 months, slept through night since 3 months, etc.). We also joked before we had her that he'd be the stay at home dad & i'd be the sugar mama (his words not mine) - lo and behold, that is the case. He has been a wonderful stay at home dad with her. She is daddy's girl. I love that. But I have had a place in my heart for #2 kiddo and when he told me the other day he didn't want anymore - seriously...well, it absolutely broke my heart. Our conversations go no where. I am thinking we need to talk to a counselor. Any help or input?

[deleted account]

I am in a similar boat. My husband and I agreed, way before marriage that we were going to have 2 kids. Our 1st came a bit earlier than expected but she has been a blessing (now 19 months, slept through night since 3 months, etc.). We also joked before we had her that he'd be the stay at home dad & i'd be the sugar mama (his words not mine) - lo and behold, that is the case. He has been a wonderful stay at home dad with her. She is daddy's girl. I love that. But I have had a place in my heart for #2 kiddo and when he told me the other day he didn't want anymore - seriously...well, it absolutely broke my heart. Our conversations go no where. I am thinking we need to talk to a counselor. Any help or input?

[deleted account]

You have plenty of time.. If your daughter is only 3 months old now, and you want to wait until she's 5, then he has time to change his mind too. I know my husband hated the baby stage. He doesn't like the crying, the diapers, the spit up... and he doesn't like that he is not the only focus of my attention! He loves the older toddler/preschool stage and although he would have been happy with one, we have two and now that she's getting past the infant stage, he is starting to enjoy her more. He may feel overwhelmed with the chages that take place with a baby in the house and he may just need time to adapt. Be patient, have an open conversation about it when you get closer to the time when you are ready to try for number 2.

Kelina - posted on 04/24/2010

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If you're wanting to wait until she's five to think about another one, then give your husband time. He may come around or you may decide that having just one is fine. It may be that he's scared. Babaies are a big responsibilty and a big committment. It scared my husband! Give it time. It sucks but if you both want your marriage to work eventually you will work something out. Good Luck!

Nicole - posted on 04/23/2010

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Although I don't have time to sit and read all the answers you have already gotten, which I'm sure you have received some very good advice. I would just add that perhaps your husbands feeling will change with some time, or perhaps being a man, he feels like the entire pressure of supporting and providing for a family is on his shoulders, having said that he may feel he may not be able to provide for such a large family at this time. Maybe, when he feels more secure in his role as the sole provider (assuming you are a stay at home mom) of your family, he will change his mind.

Donna - posted on 04/20/2010

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Sarah - that is a really hard question. I think the best thing you can do is have a really good talk with your husband about why he wants to stop at 2...if he originally was happy at 4, he obviously has some concerns now - he might be worried about the financial aspect, or whether he has enough time for 4 kids, or something that you aren't aware of yet. Rather than going into the conversation with the aim of changing his mind, just go in with the aim of seeing things from his perspective (and hopefully he will do the same with you). Best of luck!



Cheers,

Donna

http://themotherhoodtruth.blogspot.com

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2010

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my daughter is 3 and a half months the only child so far and i know she will turn out fine without sibs but im sure it gets lonely and if something was to happen to me and my husband i dont want her alone.i want to wait till she is 5 to have another but i really really want more someday.the daughter i have now was a oops.i was on the depo shot we just got married and i wanted to wait a little bit but i did want children it just happen sooner than wanted and now im on the iud i dont want to lie to him but i might just have another oops so i can have one more.children can be a scary thing i understand that but a family is the best thing in this world and having sibs can be great.

Rose - posted on 04/20/2010

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you are your own woman and you married this man in the beleive that you agreed on the same number of children. i see where you comming from, wanting more, your not done yet, and he is. how is you daughter an only child if you have two kids? based on the sake of the relationship id say wait a couple years then ask him again, or pull an OOPS GUESS WHAT, you a woman you know lol, im an only child and i turned out fine, i do wish i had siblings because it gets lonley and her kids wont have any aunts or unckles. right now you need to do for you and him and the relationship, maybe in a couple years, just dont be one of the 90 year old woman with a newborn please.

Lauren - posted on 04/20/2010

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I wanted 7 my husband said he was willing to have as many as it took until he got a boy and a girl. Needless to say we have 1 boy and 1 girl. I can honestly say that the thought of not having any more has made me appreciate each and every day more. I'm hoping that once mine get a little older he will change his mind and want a few more. Good Luck to ya!!

Rebecca - posted on 04/20/2010

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We were happy with just one and then oops...i got pregnant when our son was 13 months. We were looking in to adoption when i found out i was pregnant so those plans went on hold. We wanted to adopt a child to save another life and give them a great home. I would still love to do it but we have to wait until our kids are a bit older. If finances are there is it possible to look in to adoption. You would have to be open to getting an older child, which is why we want to wait. We want our son to remain the oldest.We were going to have another of our own when our daughter turns 1yr and start trying then but we are getting posted to another base and that part of the country is way to expensive as it is i don't want my kids to miss out on things because of this. So we're waiting until we come back closer to where we are. My husband said he didn't want anymore when our daughter was 2 months old and it killed me but after a few months he changed his mind. She is only 9 months old and he would have had another one yesterday if i let him lol. He's upset i don't want more until we move again but i think it's the responsible thing to do at this point.
You need to sit and discuss or give him time to come around. How old is your child? It might just be that he doesn't want it to be too hard on you if he is the one always gone for work..like mine in. Have a deep conversation about why you want more and why he doesn't. Even a compromise of 2 kids instead of 4 is good. At least you'll get your wish of her not being the only child.
Good luck

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2010

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he doesnt want another one because he likes it the way things are....and i think cuz he came from a family of 4 boys him the second youngest and he was teased alot.i love my daughter and will be happy with just the one but i still would really like another we have talked abt it and fo right now no kids but we will just take life as it comes.but im scared that i wont be having more kids

Louise - posted on 04/20/2010

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Ask your husband why he does not want any more kids and then you can work from there. If it is because of financies then you can tell him you already have the equipment from the first baby. There must be a reason that he has changed his mind. Open up communication between you both and tell him that you don't want to make this an issue but you do not want your daughter to grow up alone. Surely he could understand that. Just take things slowly give him time to explain and then tackle each negative with a positive. It is going to take hours of discussion but don't let it break out into a row. Good luck for the future.xx

Bernie - posted on 04/20/2010

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well get him drunk and get what you want hahaha no im just kidding. tell him what you feel and that its not just his choice.

Stephanie - posted on 04/20/2010

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i would pray (and have prayed this.) for two things, first that God would change my heart and help me to be content as I am, to enjoy my daughter. and second that if it was His will that God would change hubby's heart and allow us to have another child.

I'm currently pregnant with our 4th, after thinking we were done for almost 3 years.

[deleted account]

There is not much you can do except try and change his mind, and we all know how men can be so good luck. There are ups and downs to only having one child but everything is really up to you. we only have 2 kids and i think as long as you know what your getting into two kids are more than enough for us, but i would have been just as happy if all i had was just the one. Don't get to worked up about it give him a while and maybe his mind might change on its own, for now just give him the time to enjoy the one child that he does have. Good luck!

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