When is enough enough????

Bria - posted on 07/31/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Me and my husband will be married 3yrs come Sept, we had 2 kids in 2 years. I have a 18 month old son an a 7 weeks old daughter. He's military so he works alot but I would like if he helped around the house sometime. I cook, clean, take care the kids, wash cloths(by hand cause we don't have a washer and dryer and our car is down right now) I go to school oh and babysitt to try to pull some of the weight of bills and by the end of the day I am pooped. If any of you have a newborn or have had one you know that you can't get much done with them. First let me start by saying our son was planned our daughter was not and honestly if I had the money for and abortion I would have gotten it I told him plan out I didn't want anymore kids with him. Why? When I was pregnant with our son he went awol for 8 mons........No he didn't run off he was here ALLLLLLL DAMMMMMNNNN DAY ask me how many doctors appointments he went to (3) he went to 3 appointments the whole nine months so after I had my son I told him I was done I didn't want to go through that again alone then when my son turned 8mons I found out I was pregnant again so once again I did it alone but not on purpose this time cause he got depolyed when I was 4 mons along. My issue now is I can't get this lazy bastard to do shit around the house NOTHING AT ALL and when I do it all and then express that I'm tired his response is " tired from what??" REALLY!!!!! I have put up with all his shit he's had a number of online affairs but he says "its not cheating cause I never meet or slept with them" I feel it is I think anything that you have to hide from your spouse is cheating period. I cant even get him to spend time with me I have tried to even get into the things he like (video games) I've tried to even get into the movies he likes but nothing works so fed up I asked him the other night "You really just dont want to spend time with me, do you?" He stared at me with no response the look on his told it all that "hell naw look but Im not going to say it cause I dont wanna hurt your feelings". When I try to talk to him about things he blows an says" this again" I'm 25 yrs old an the only reason Im still here is because I really honor my vows and because everytime I talk to his parents they thank me for being here with him and sticking it out but I'm at my breaking point I feel like if I gotta do it all anyway what the hell is he here for. I give him money to go to the store and buy cigerettes and he not only buys them but sneaks off to gamestop and spends the rest on games. It wouldnt be a problem if we had extra money but because he went AWOL he got demoted so he's not making that much and with 2 small children money is funny, I'm reusing some of my sons old cloths for my daughter cause we don't have enough to buy her new stuff and pay bills. He sits in his room and plays video games all day. There was a time we ate dinner together watched tv and even slept together now he eats in his game room and me and the kids eat in the living room he sleeps in his game room and I sleep in the living room with our daughter and its been like this for a little over a year. I think I deserve better I love my husband but I don't know how long I can go on like this. Everything I do is wrong or weirded to him because "his mama" does it different, I dont go no where unless its the grocery store, or dollar store. When I asked him to spend time with me he told me that part should be over we been maried 3yrs and everytime I talk about leaveing him he tells me I just wanna do what I wanna do and I cant do that here so thats why I wanna leave. I have one bad habit that some men may have a problem with and that is I smoke weed but I have to or I'd be in somebody mental health hospital right now but he drinks like uh fish I mean will scrape change together to get a beer he doesn't see me smoke but he knows I do it even when I tell him I don't . I just want to be happy and my kids love their daddy so when is enough enough?

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You need to be in counseling. I'm a firm believer that EVERY couple should have a marriage counselor, both when things are good, and when they aren't. Relationships ride waves, sometimes things are great, but it doesn't mean you should skip out on your doctors appointment because right around the corner is a breaker that's going to pull you under--best to see it coming and be prepared.

Toss the video game console. Dh had an issue like that at one point, I just tossed it out the window, once it hit the pavement it was broken beyond repair. Of course, if you need the money, you could just go sell it to Gamestop. They buy used ones.

The online affairs are out of line. Ask him how he would feel if you were having one. Tell him you are having one if he doesn't get the point.

You say you still love him, so I wouldn't say leave just yet, but you definitely need some help. As for the chores, if you are babysitting, you are both working, and you need to split the chores. When he comes home in the evenings, have him spend time with the kids so that you can get some housework done. He needs to build a relationship with them as their father anyway, and you need a break from them.

Try to give yourselves each an hour of down time--does he get a lunch break at work? If so, that's his, if not let him have it when he gets home, just an hour to change gears, and ask him to do the same for you. Even if he does have a lunch break, try to give him 15-30 minutes in the evenings to himself as soon as he gets home--men can't change roles as easily as we can--set a timer and tell him to relax, but then he has to come out and help.

Tina - posted on 08/01/2012

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Maybe you need to just say that. You still want him to be around for the kids and see them as much as possible but as far as you and him go. It's already over. I've been there. I was married to a man we slept in different rooms etc It got to the point I absolutely hated him and I wanted to hurt him. We didn't have kids. But in your case. I wouldn't let it get to that point. You have 2 kids together there's no reason you can't still be civil for the kids. But as far as a couple goes. You're already on your own aren't you? I'm with a man now who I have a son and daughter with. He did the same with the online dating shit. It made me furious. To me it's cheating or at least intending to. There's no reason for it. It got to the stage. I told him if he ever did it again it would be over he didn't believe it. One day he was at work and I found out he'd done it again. He called me. I got so angry with him told him it was over and hung up. But I ended up giving him another chance and he's done it since. I don't know why I've even given him more chances. I know it's hard but sometimes you do need to say enough is enough. You stay because you feel like he's important and you do everything yet he disrespects you. He treats you like number 2. You're doing everything on your own it wouldn't make much different if he wasn't there.

Bria - posted on 07/31/2012

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Oh the marriage consuling thing we've tried, I'll tell him we need to go an we'll find one and make an appointment and then when the time comes he's like "oh everythings fine now why go" and he bails out and the weed sitiuation, I don't smoke like that so I don't buy it I have a friend that smokes and when I'm stressin she shares hers like I said money is funny so I cant afford to buy it myself. I don't mind the game playin its when I gotta stand infront of the tv to get your attention or threatin to throw the damn thing in the middle of the street to make him do something that gets to me its like damn really, I shouldn't have to do that. I missed him so much when he was gone an now that he's back I want him to go again bad as I feel sayin that.

Stifler's - posted on 07/31/2012

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He sounds like a massive deadbeat. Screw your vows, he's broken his.

Jennifer - posted on 07/31/2012

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I believe every marriage is worth fighting for. I know money is incredibly tight, but you really need to seek couples councling. Even if you have to drag his butt there kicking and screaming, it's worth a shot. I do want to say one thing also. You don't need weed to get through. I've been in the situation with someone who didn't help. The big difference is, he didn't even have a job. I had to do that all too! I did ultimately leave him, because it came down to either leaving him, or losing my kids. You can use the money you save from that (that stuff isn't cheap) to pay for couples counciling, and possibly some for yourself to be able to work through some of these issues.

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