when is it time to call it quits?

Amy - posted on 09/27/2009

never it is soooo wroth it in the long end ask ask ask did i say ask yes for help just a few hours and you will be better. good luck and let us know how it goes.

Amy k.

Kylie - posted on 09/26/2009

I was told that the first 12 months after a baby is born is the hardest 12 months on any relationship. I had a similar problem with my husband, and we were in the same place you are. I told him how I was feeling, and told him even if he didn't understand it was still valid. Then I asked him how he was feeling, and then tried to understand. Then I basically told him, that if he wanted this relationship to work, we were going to do it this way, and tired to make it fair for both of us, including giveing us both time with the baby, and time out to do whatever we wanted (with in reason). In my mind though, what is best for the kids is always what is the best choice. I would go back to councilling, by myslef if he won't go, because that will atleast give you an outlet if he won't talk to you.

Teresa - posted on 09/25/2009

I had much of the same problem after our 1st kid, he would rather play on the computer after work than look at us! Finally I had enough and sat him down and told him since i was acting as a 'single parent' and he was acting as a 'teenager' then i would treat him like a teenager and told him what the house rules where, when he could and could not be on the computer and watch TV, and what chores he was required to do...... AND i went thru it all very matter a factly and seriously, like i was truely going to do what i was saying.... But what it did was get him to see that he really was acting like a teenager and how wrong it was for me to do everything... IT changed Very quickly....now with that being said... I was stupid enough to move on and have another kid with him.... he would repeatedly need a 'kick in the butt' , til eventually nothing worked...because HE didn't want to change a bit ... after much misery on my part I kicked him out. Told him if he doesn't want to be a life partner to me & father to our boys...he had to go. I also learned the definition of narcisisim, which he is. I can only tell you this, I wish i would have done this sooner. I wish i had been smarter to do it sooner, before our oldest was old enough to be dearly affected. PLUS once he was gone, i was no longer so focused on 'our' relationship and milling it in my head all day long... I was able to mentally turn around and see my kids...and the relationship i have with them and realize how i had neglected it because i was so overly focused on their dad. Also once the stress left the house, it's not fun but it is easier to deal with everything, when your the only one there, because you're no longer worried about what he's going to think or say. You can do things in your own time, your own way, and be peaceful and relaxed even though your busy. I always figured if i'm doing everything already, then what do i need him for?? I was right. But even if you do try working it out, write everything in a journal because if you do find yourself in court and he wants custody, a dated journal of his past bad parenting behavior...stuff that shows his lack of interest, compassion, ability...etc... will go a long long way. May you never need it, but if you do, you won't ever regret having it. Now after finally being faced with losing everything...their dad WANTS to change, if he will that remains to be seen, and it will take nothing short of an act of God for me to let him back in the house. Maybe a seperation would help, if he doesn't miss you enough to want you both back...that'd be a sure sign to move on.

Cheralee - posted on 09/25/2009

We have been going through these things as well. We have watched Fireproof (great movie), read The 5 Love Languages (AMAZING BOOK), bought the Love Dare (I may be starting this soon), and talked to many, many people. All of this is wonderful, but we have still struggled and fallen off the wagon. Fixing a relationship is VERY hard and requires time, energy, and a different mindset to put forth an unconditional love to him when you feel so mistreated and are already so drained from your little one and all the household responsibilities. However, I recently realized in the midst of a week of nothing but fighting that was escalating to an "I just want to be done with this" from both of us that I needed a time out to clear my head. When he got home I had things as ready as I could for his evening with the kids and I told him I needed some time for myself to figure some things out. He was questioning me a little and wanted to know where I was going and what I was doing. I told him I wasn't sure where or when I'd be back, but I wasn't going to a bar or anything like that and I had my cell phone if he needed me for an emergency. I just went to a local park with a notebook. I really didn't know what I was going to write or what decisions I was making, but I knew I needed to figure it out. The park was beautiful with the lake - it was the most peace I have felt in a long time. I just sat and enjoyed it for a while and actually felt like a person again - more than a mom and more than a "slave". At that point I realized that even if I left it wasn't going to give me peace. I would still have all the stress and probably more with not seeing my babies all the time or my stepson ever. So I decided to work on what I could change - ME! I wrote down a list of things that I am made off/roles I play (Mom, Daughter, Wife, Friend, Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Creative (these are the 5 areas we need to feed for good health)) and I wrote who I am in those areas now - it wasn't pretty. Then I wrote on a whole separate sheet of paper who I wanted to be in those areas and some ways I could help myself get from where I am to what I want to be. It was really a release to face the person I've become unintentionally and realize that I can be something completely different and wonderful! I also asked DH to do it (he hasn't had a chance yet) and told him he didn't have to share anything he didn't want to, but that I would really like it if we could share the what we want to be and a few things we are going to be working on just so we could help and encourage each other. He agreed and I know I already see a difference in myself. Also, for the feeling of being overwhelmed with all the household stuff check out flylady.net it is a great tool for helping you just break things down into more manageable tasks. Hang in there! Know that no matter what you have one amazing little man that loves you and needs you!

Kimberly - posted on 09/25/2009

Take some time away from the situation. If you have to put the baby with a sitter then so be it. It helps your brain to sort through feelings if you take yourself away from the situation for a while. Also it will help you decide if you really love your husband or are just scared to be a single parent. Years ago I left my husband with two kids and it was the best decision I've ever made. I'm not saying leave him but I am saying take some time to sort it out before you decide anything.

Jaimie - posted on 09/25/2009

also if he cant understand and make some change cut your losses and find someone who treats u like u deserve because they are out there

Jaimie - posted on 09/25/2009

well hun being a wife is unfortunately everything your doing in a mans eyes but maybe your husband has some post partum blues himslf and it seems running away i the only way he knows try a romantic dinner to let him know u appreciate him and love him and let him know hes still number 1 to trust me and just give him a real nice day after work and tell him you would like to talk about some things tell him i do not want to start a fight but can i talk to you and will you have an opened mind and just let me tell you how i feel and then i will listen to you if it starts a fight say we will talk later when we are both calm try this otherwise im not sure hun if he really loves you hed give you the time you deserve to explai your feelings and strip clubs are fine for entertainment but not an answer for an unhappy enviroment its al about trust and let me tell you he can look but never is he allowed to touch

Carolina - posted on 09/25/2009

Girl I would suggest to him about going to marrige counceling and if he doesn't agree then come at him with obviously he doesn't want to work on ya all's relationship so your throwing in the towel and going to let him see for his self that the grass is not always greener on the other side, and that the cash he be using to gamble won't be available to him neither cause he'll have to step up and help support ya all's baby. That baby was created by the both of ya not just you so tell him that, don't let that bring you down keep you head up stay confident if you have close friends or fam member around ask them for help dont be afraid and show him you have a life as well.. I wish you the best of luck take care god bless and just get at me if you would like to talk=) Carolina..

Jenn - posted on 09/25/2009

Sadly, I think many men think that their job is to be the provider, and if they do this then their job is done. It goes back to the old cave man mindset. I know a LOT of couples who have the same issues you do. I also think a lot of us Moms have it set in our minds that we HAVE to do all of these things like cleaning, cooking, etc., and that everything has to be perfect or we are somehow a failure - really we are only setting ourselves up for defeat. We should never feel guilt about giving ourselves much needed personal time, and if anyone gives us grief about it well then poo on them! My hubby is into fishing and hunting, and also works long hours, but with the birth of our twins he was forced to be helpful and get involved seeing as there were 2 babies. He has a teenage daughter from a previous relationship and said he never did things like baths, feeding, etc. when she was a baby and now realizes what he missed out on and is so happy that he gets to also enjoy all those fun cute moments. I think some of the others gave some great advice - force him to spend some time with the little one so he can clearly see how difficult it can be.

Barb - posted on 09/25/2009

Christi, and all u mommas feeling this way.....Please know that I have been there and done that and it gets better. My husband is a wonderful man, but the baby stuff was just not his cup o tea. He helped little when our boy was an infant, but later he chipped in and now that our son is 7-1/2, he helps w/ everything...many times w/out even being asked. Babies frighten men sometimes...so stupid, I know, but I think they just get grossed out and freaked out by all the "unknowns" of babyhood. I agree w/ the mom who said get out of the house more, create a life for yourself....Finding our own identity after becoming a mom is crucial. Do a search for MOMS Club. It is an amazing organization for stay at home mommies. They have chapters all over the world. Get out and meet new people, find your own niche.....I know from my own personal experience that our attitude is key to changing our husband's attitudes. Nagging and whining get you nowhere. Make time for yourself. Oh, and once in a while, when hubby gets home from work, you leave...by yourself....be all dressed up, made up and ready. Have the bottles and bath and all the stuff out for him and just hand him the baby and pick up the car keys. It may make him mad for a few minutes, but when you come home energized and happy, he'll get the point. I would also recommend you going to counseling alone. Just talking it out w/ someone will help you work through. I'm sure I've repeated advice from other moms. I'm sure some of this sounds easier said than done....

Sarah - posted on 09/25/2009

I know that there have been alot of books mentioned already, but another good one is For Women Only. They have For Men Only too, if your husband likes to read or would be willing... I agree with the others about hanging in there, take time for yourself, and when talking with him, try not to say stuff in you, you, you, but try to reword it with I feel like.... Then it is saying that is what you feel when he does or doesn't do something not making it sound like you blame him. He will not feel as threatened. I hope everything works out for you. I know sometimes I feel like I do everything, but reading this I feel blessed! I did have to talk to my hubby some because of feeling that way and it has helped! I try to get the main stuff done like dishes, taking care of baby, cooking, laundry, etc, but my home isn't always clean or picked up. Some try some me-time and friend time, and relax you need it!!!

Rachel - posted on 09/24/2009

Stormie Omartian also has a book about praying for your husband. Another series that is great for the differences in men & women is Love & Respect by Dr. Emmerson. His website is www,loveandrespect.com.

Na Ree - posted on 09/24/2009

Fireproof was great! The Five Love Languages was great! I recommend one more book and it's called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. I know people either love or hate her, but please, please give it a try! It really helped me understand the men's perspective. I also heard Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a good book. I do NOT agree that you should neglect your husband to be heard. It is the easy way out and I guarantee it'll make the problem worse. There is a better way to communicate than neglecting your husband! That better way will be harder and you might not want to do it, but do it for the sake of preserving your marriage and creating a loving home for your child. Hang in there! In my opinion, divorce is only an option when there's abuse, addiction, or affair.

Rachel - posted on 09/24/2009

You will just anger him if you make yourself less available to him. I felt like this when my older 2 were younger. We had no family here and very few friends. The older 2 kids are 14 months apart and Dh had to work which did not leave him a lot of time for me and the kids. He did not threaten the things that your DH has threatened. Mine used to love to ride his motorcycle, which drove me nuts. I understand now that he just needed downtime too. I would also highly recommend the Fireproof movie and their ministry! You can not nag him, that will not make him change, it will just anger him and push him away more. You can go to counseling if you feel it will help but you should go to one who will not let you rag on your DH all the time. The more you speak negative about him, the worse you will feel about him. Try the Love Dare from Fireproof. You need to change your attitude towards him and your expectations of him (in some ways). You can only change yourself. You can not force anyone else to change. If your attitude towards him changes and you are more loving towards him (less fussy, naggy, whiny in his eyes) he will eventually change. Prayer works wonders too! Praying for you. I would not have a babysitter in the house alone with your DH either - that is just asking for trouble whether anything ever actually happens or not. When I was so tired from taking care of the littles alone I did go visit my family 1700 miles away for a while. more than anything it changed my attitude and not his. I realized he needed to work and he needed time for himself. I also realized that I needed some time to spend alone (bubble bath, reading a book, etc.) and I can not rely on anyone else to make that happen for me. We have now been married for 14 years and have 4 kids :) DH seems to do better with helping to take care of the kids as they get older b/c he can deal with their needs better.

Jackie - posted on 09/24/2009

Everyone has really good suggestions, I have one more. If everything is always an argument and you feel he isn't listening, write him a letter. Just like you told all of us exactly how you feel on here, write it all down and leave for him to read. I hope everything works out for you, you need to be happy for your children, they can sense when you are unhappy. You two really need to work this out, after he reads the letter hopefully he will be willing to sit down and talk about your issues.

Take care

Julie - posted on 09/24/2009

I would love to encourage you but I have been in the very same situation every since the second my son was born 3 years ago. I even left but got scared I couldn't do it alone and came back......a decision I greatly regret! If you have a strong family or friends who love you, with their support you can get through hard times and make it on your own. I am headed back in that direction myself because since I came back, not much has changed and now my hubby is using my son as a tool to eat at me. Trust me, if you want out do it while your son is still under the age of 2 because it only gets harder from then on. Good luck and I send lots of love and support your way.

Maria - posted on 09/23/2009

I agree with Tracy! I also went to counseling and my husband agreed to go and we are doing fantastic, knock on wood! I am a very big advocate for counseling, but BOTH parties have to be in agreance to go and make changes and compromises. I turely think that if it weren't for that we would have been a divorce statisitic. Good luck and prayer for a happy conclusion!

Tasha - posted on 09/23/2009

I had a c-section and my mother came to help me out , but in the end when I could get on my feet I just wanted everyone to go away . ? I looked forward to my husband going to work so I could have the baby allto myself . ? You should treat yourself everyday without thinking of the housework . ! I do not do anything anymore hardly except my own laundry no and then and the babys' to . I only think about feeding me and the baby ,I hardly cook a meal anymore except once a week or so . My husband complained and I told him I was not the problem he was not my baby anymore he had to grow up because a real baby came into the picture our baby . ! Tell him to grow up and have some responsibility like paying his own bills and making his own drs. app. ,and anything else for himself . You start thinking about yourself and the baby and you should possibly feel better in no time . ! Don't worry if you think you want to go to counseling go without him . I do not know why your husband would threaten strip clubs and run to Oklahoma maybe you should call it quits if he continues that behavior because you should not stand for that if he is goingto walk out when times are hard and leave you alone I would think you are better off alone . ?

Lorraine - posted on 09/23/2009

Well to be honest, my husband was the exact same way. It is only the two of us. Both of our family is in California and we are all the way in Texas. I think the first month that our baby girl was born, I was doing all the work while he was actually playing video games. I was getting so run down and angry that he would not help. Well what I did was talk to him till my face was practically blue. When this didn't work, I started to talk to him about divorce. Then I threatened to leave. I'm sure no one wants to do this, but I was nice and tried to get my point across. Men only see action, not nagging. Ask your hubby what your family means to him. What kind of family he wants to have. What kind of father he sees himself being. If this doesn't work then say everytime you leave, then I will get rid of some of your stuff. If he's gonna act like a kid that runs away then treat him like one. I know all this sounds so harsh, but now my hubby is actually helping me. Just let him know that your marriage is suppose to be a partnership. Not one spouse trying to bully another. No matter how hard things get, I know that I love my husband and baby girl. Just let your hubby know the same. I hope that when push comes to shove that he will be the man you need him to be.

Stephanie - posted on 09/23/2009

Take a second and breathe in a couple of deep breaths. I completely know how you feel!!! I have an 11 month old and a 21 month old and it can be very overbearing and make you feel like a slave. Don't cut your loses just yet. Tempers can ruin so much especially when we don't feel understood. For some reason your husband is having a hard time understanding what you need. Maybe you can figure out a way to pay a sitter or have a play date to just take some stress off of you. Play dates help because you have another mom there to vent with and just enough another adult's presence. My best friend has no children but has started to come over 2 days of the week and now I'm starting to feel like I have more of a life again. Being a mom is way more work than people lead on.

The movie Fireproof is a GREAT idea!!! My husband and I watched it like a month ago and it really makes you rethink a lot.

Maybe you should see a therapist by yourself. I see one with my husband and one by myself. I am on an anti-depression medication just to help me look at things more positive and I really do feel like it helps me.

You deserve to be happy and I'll be praying for you and your family. xoxo

Amanda - posted on 09/23/2009

Sweetie iknow exactly what you're going thro, I went through this for many many years and now I have been in the middle of a divorce for 3 years and its terrible and heartbreaking to think back to alot of the things he didnt ever do, and my ex was one that always put work before family. some men are apparently raised this way and thats what they believe in. have you tried marriage counseling yet? that would be a good start and if things dont improve from there or if he point blank doesn't want to go, then you have some tough choices to make.

Corina - posted on 09/23/2009

I can't say enough about the book The Five Love Languages. It is amazing and has touched every relationship I have, from my husband to my kids to my in-laws. Sending good vibes and well wishes. Stay strong!

Maria - posted on 09/23/2009

We had these problems too. I left. 4 girls I filed and left. alot of garbage inbetween. We went to court many times. He wanted me back. But I was so angry!! This was my 2nd marriage and I was done being treated like a maid, chef and nanny. Funny we were told our divorce was final. I felt so sad and empty. About 4 months later I realized I did not get my divorce papers in the mail yet, called my attorney... the divorce was not through yet. It made no sense. About a week later I was in a car accident where I rolled over and broke my neck. My estanged husband was by my side from then on. we stopped all the proceedings and are back together. I think sometimes they need to see what they can lose. Now I don't recommend going to my extreme lol. I tend to make large statements. Then go oh shoot what am I doing?? But we are working at our marriage as a team. He needs to be a team player , you working at home non-stop and him just working 8-12 hrs is not team work. I always got the you can sit when you want... oh really... Communication is a big key! you just have to find a way to get there. I use the word I alot , I feel , I want that way he doesnt get defensive. We also have bargining I will do this if you do this. And lastly we talk about what we want and expect from each other. Idk just some suggestions but I thinks he does need to see at least for a day what life is when your not there.

Tanya - posted on 09/23/2009

OMG,,, after reading this and all of the responses i feel ashamed to say that i felt exactly the same! My hubby is fishing mad, every thing is about fishing
i had 3 c-sections and was into doing all the housework etc after coming home

but he has changed a little and i hadn't noticed really until reading this post and its responses,
mine will come home from work and cook, leave the kitchen a mess for me to clean ,,( see i got crabby about this) but he cooks none the less
he will bathe the children some nights to give me a break

Although things are not perfect i do still feel like a piece of furniture and that i don't get the help i think he should give, i can commend him on the small changes he has made We have been together for 12years and our eldest child is 9yo so it has taken a long time to get him to start stepping up,,, but it is not impossible

So i say hang in there a bit longer,, maybe have him read " men are from mars women are from Venus" i read it and left it in the bathroom and have noticed that my hubby has been reading it maybe this is where the changes are coming from i don't know ,,, i dont think i will question it i will just enjoy the small changes !

hang in there Christie

Christi - posted on 09/22/2009

Quoting Liz:

Oh dear, I am struggling with same question. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Very good, I'm trying to get my husband to watch it but he thinks it's a chick flick. You can also check out fireproofmymarriage.com Good Luck!

we both watched it actually before my son was born. we have many of those same issues but i am not sure how to resolve any of them.

Chris - posted on 09/22/2009

Quoting Liz:

Oh dear, I am struggling with same question. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Very good, I'm trying to get my husband to watch it but he thinks it's a chick flick. You can also check out fireproofmymarriage.com Good Luck!

It's far from a chick flick.  It's a great tool to use to help your marriage.  I highly recommend it.  It's one of my favorite movies, and it just might help both of you in your struggles right now.  Maybe you can put in the movie and not tell him what it is, then once he see's it, he will watch it with you.

Treva - posted on 09/22/2009

That Love Dare book from Fireproof is awesome! It can really help. After our second child, we have been having marital strife. I'll pray for you. Hang in there. God Bless!

Tracy - posted on 09/22/2009

I agree that you need to not be so available to your dh. Marriage and child-rearing is a joint activity. Tell your husband that you are going to counselling and that you hope that he will join you, but either way YOU are going. If nothing else having someone to vent to once a week can help. Go for walks with your little one every nice day you can. Go get yourself a coffee with a friend once a week at night. Have a babysitter lined up to come over to your house to watch the baby-even, actually ESPECIALLY if dh is home. Him seeing that you are PAYING someone to watch your child with him home may make him wake up and smell the fire that is obviously burning...hire someone to do the outside of the house (a preteen kid to mow the lawn or something) to take the burden off of you. Stop cooking all his meals. Let him fend for himself once in awhile.

If none of this works, go visit family for an "unspecified" period of time with your little one. If nothing else it will get you a break from the house and will hopefully wake him up completely!

Christina - posted on 09/22/2009

If you have family members around, ask them for help. I know that it is not easy and you may feel like you have failed as a mom. The ones that ask for help are the ones that are the strongest parent. It is not esy taking care of a baby and especially when it is on your own. Feeling that you have to ask for help is the best thing that you can do even if your husband is not the one you ask. Even if you have just a few hours of help or rest it would help in putting things into perspective. If your husband finds that you are seeking help from someone else he may see that you are not able to do this on your own and volunteer to help out around the house. A man seeing that someone else is helping in his home is a personal thing to a man and as men are weak and strong in pride and won't admit that their home is in need of help, they will try to rectify the situation. Try getting some help from an outside source and see what happens. If nothing then tell him how you feel and that you are contemplating on leaving because you are feeling like you are already single and doing it on your own. You have to be honest with him, that is the only way that he is going to know how you feel about the situation.

Tiffannie - posted on 09/22/2009

Definatly don't call it quits because while it may seem frustrating doing it all on your own right now, just imagine doing it all plus working, and dealing with finding childcare and dealing with courts and arranging visitation...etc.. it is not a happy scenerio. I also do everything at home, cooking, cleaning, shoping, diapers, bathing, laundry, the list is never ending but break it up with visiting with friends going to a park, find out if your library has a story time for infants, arrange for a sitter and have a date night with your husband and no baby, maybe have him be responsible for the bills, my husband does all our bills online it is so easy to set up and the bank even does reacurring payments for you so you dont have to write checks every month, I plan our meal callander for the month to make it easier on myself, you have to think about small things to make all of your live's easier. If you think about it making a doctors apointment is a silly thing to want him to do if he is working right? you have to be the one to take the baby anyway. just try to relax, when baby naps maybe you take a nap enjoy the time you have to be at home with your son, I am guessing you are probably his favorite person right now so enjoy it while it lasts your husband i'm sure will smarten up.

Jill - posted on 09/22/2009

I totally agree about changing your approach and not being so available to him...see how he feels...

Jill - posted on 09/22/2009

Your story sounds similar to mine, except not the gambling or clubs...it's fishing and gardening for my husband, which is better. But he also refused to help out, feed, hold, bathe, or change diapers ever since my son was born...I also had a c-section...



I now also feel like a slave and a definitley a single mom. My husband decides to do some laundry maybe once a month, but has a fit when the house is a mess and I feel like I am walking on eggshells until he decides to freak out...



I do all the housework, the shopping and cooking, make sure all the bills are paid and set all the doc appointments and frankly I understand how you feel!



I love my son and husband but i don't get any help!



Would love to chat with you...



I do think the advice given by these moms though is terrific....thanks I appreciate it too and plan to check out that movie, Fireproof...

Michelle - posted on 09/22/2009

hi christi,
It's very hard adjusting to a new addition 2 the family for both of u but my advice is stick it out but also nip ur husbands attitude in the bud NOW,its no good looking back in 4 or 5 years time and discovering that all ur love and respect for ur husband is gone.
If ur hubbie knows how u feel and it still doesn't make a difference it's time to change ur approach. Start by pretending it doesnt bother u,dont b sitting waiting 4 him to get in from work,dont have the dinner waiting on the table 4 him.Get ur own life,bring ur son out with u, go to a friends hse 4 coffee,go walking in the evenings, late night shopping 4 fun stuff not groceries! Also sometimes get a sitter in so u can go out with ur friends an odd time if he's not prepared to watch him. If ur not at his beck and call all the time he might just realize how lonely it would b without u and his child! U might have to do this 4 awhile maybe a month or two but he really should realize what he's missing before that. Ur husband is not ur child, u shouldn't have to entice him or cajole him into wanting to be afamily man, at the end of the day it'll b his decision to step up to the plate and b the responsible and caring person u no doubt fell for.
I really hope either this or some or approach does work,men can b really lazy and sometimes just plain stupid,lol!!! Best of luck, michelle xx

Liz - posted on 09/21/2009

Oh dear, I am struggling with same question. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? Very good, I'm trying to get my husband to watch it but he thinks it's a chick flick. You can also check out fireproofmymarriage.com Good Luck!