why am i told to spank?

Stevie - posted on 09/18/2012 ( 47 moms have responded )

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I am litteraly argueing with my fiance over this... I say no spanking. It causes unneeded fear. I was not spanked and never got in trouble with the law or anything life threatening. I was a regular everynow and then unruly teen. Yet my fiance who was spanked did everything I didn't. His entire family is telling me to spank saying I'm a bad mom because my son says no or tells me to stop. I strickly put him in time out and explain what he did wrong... am I really in the wrong??

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Donna - posted on 09/21/2012

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Dr. Drew Pinski made a profound statement on his show a few weeks ago. 100% of his addiction patients were either sexually abused or spanked as children. Something to think about.

Amanda - posted on 09/18/2012

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No your not. Your child your rules. How you raise your child is no-ones business but yours.

I don't spank my kids either, there are other ways of disciplining without hitting. I am trying to teach them that there are other ways to vent frustrations and get your point across without lashing out.

My 3 yr old is really good with expressing herself, my 4 yr old has abit of trouble controlling his thoughts and emotions but he also has ADHD and sleep apenea so he's abit of a loose canon some days.

Stacy - posted on 10/21/2012

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NO you are not!!! I am in the exact situation as you but i have finally got him to agree to not spank. Spanking just simply doesnt work! When a child is spanked for climbing on the table are they going to do it again? chances are they will! When you firmly put him in timeout and explain to him what he did wrong and why not to do it, is he going to do it again? Probably so! It takes time for a child to learn and understand the rules. They have such an urge to explore and sometimes jus can not control themselves from doing things you tell them not to.

People tell me all the time if you spank them they will quit doing whatever they are doing. But that just isnt true. Eventually they will go back to what they are doing so why the physical punishment? Spanking is a form of hitting a child. When a child gets in trouble and gets spanked for it they are more upset about getting hurt than anything and can even forget about what caused it in the first place. They get confused cause when you say dont hit me, he gets hit for doing somehting bad, it doesnt make sense expecially from the child. They dont become as bonded with a parent because they dont want to get too close, they can be afraid of doing somehting wrong and being spanked for it. They also explore less because they are afraid of being spanked which causes them to take less (healthy) risks as they get older, and they wont learn as much as other children who arnt spanked because they can feel safe and comfortable exploring their surroundings wihtout worrying about being spanked.

There is soo many disadvantages to spanking and of course I am not for it. The thing is spanking or no spanking a child needs that verbal communication to help them understand a reason behind not being able to do something. they need the consistency to let them know that it isnt ok to do something since they have shorter memories

How i see it alot of people think spanking works because it gets the child away from the situation, People also think it is alot easier to spanka a child and say no, than having to physically remove them from the situation and to be firm and consistent with a child and put them in time out and explain to them the what they cannot do. It does take alot of effort from the parent and is tiring but I have been working with my son from the get go and he is such a good child. He is very comfortable to explore, learns things easily, has high self esteem, he for the most part listens to us, and hasnt had a temper tantrum yet. Hes 20 mo old. Hes like this because he isnt spanked,and hes talked to constantly, he knows his limits and understands for the most part why.

I think you are doing great, and you should keep strong with your decision. The way I got my husband to understand is from getting alot of books and online info and just sat down with him and discuessed it very often, at the times he didnt seem like him was interested or listening but it did stick with him and he fully understands now

Katie - posted on 10/16/2012

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Lydia you are so right a lot of these posts are saying that children must obey anyone that is big enough to spank them. So what happens when Uncle Ed wants to molest your son? Or when a man tries to throw your daughter in the trunk? Children must feel safe enough to know that adults are not allowed to hurt them. Plus what happened to pick on someone your own size? Did you ever think about how scared your child is when you are physically punishing them? Why is it ok to hit a person who I outweigh by over a hundered pounds. Now I know we are talking about spanking: but what is your defintion of spanking? A swat on the butt? Over the knee with pants up or pants down? I personally think anytime you hit a child it is wrong. I have read posts where it says I only spank if they were doing something that can hurt them... say what? If you are trying to stop them from getting hurt why would you hurt them? And once again I agree with Lydia a child saying no does not mean you are a bad parent. I dont want to squash my child spirits with dominance and physical punishment. I want to encourage my child to be a strong person who knows that there are limits and rules. And my older children understand this. I have two teenagers who were never spanked and they are good kids. Are the perfect? Hell no but who is? They are happy and confident with good self-esteem and good morals and values. I couldn't ask for more well-adjusted children. So not spanking worked for me and my family. I hope I did't offend anyone with this post. I just want for people to see things from a different angle. P.S. Almost all prison inmates and drug addicts report some kind a physical or sexual abuse. I don't know the exact statistics My pediatrician told me this.

Lydia - posted on 10/16/2012

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spanking doesn't work in most cases it even has often opposite effect and can cause violent behavior in the child. there are tons of studies about it. also if you spank in anger it's very easy to cross the line to abuse. and you want your kid to obey you not out of fear but to choose to obey you because he wants to please you (which is what kids want that have a normal relationship with their parents)



a child needs to be able say "no" and "stop it", that will be very important later on when there is peer pressure to do bad stuff and how will the child learn to express there own point of view if he can never practice at home... that doesn't mean he can push you around, depending on what your child says no to, you either stick to what you want or find a compromise. a no from a child is not threatening your position as parent as long as you know your child and how to be in charge! for example, you tell your kid to clean up the toys, he says no, don't want to. so you just say "i understand you don't want to clean up your toys, but it has to be done. so do it (and maybe add an "I'll help you" if you're up to it)

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Lukithia - posted on 11/01/2012

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Stevie,

You have to parent the way you feel most comfortable but it is good to take some advice. I began not spanking with my oldest and although she was not an unruly child I found that for emphasis on deliberate disobedience or dangerous behavior I began to spank. Telling me no or stop were hand popping offenses. I spank for two reasons and my spankings are not harsh. The Bible tells me that biblical parenting may call for spanking. I would recommend two resources that helped me. "The Strong Will Child" by Dr. James Dobson and "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Kevin Lehman. They have both nonspanking and spanking points of views and helped even with my special needs child. I will not tell you, you should spank because I do but I will say that if your child has repeatedly told you to stop or no and your disciplining method has not stopped the behavior you need a new tactic. One tip from Lehman's book is that if a child does an unacceptable behavior and you bring it to there attention and correct it the next time you tell the child that the behavior is unacceptable, in language for their age and the next time they use the behavior say something like, "You don't tell me no" and if they do it again you just walk away and make yourself busy. When the child returns to you for something even to be picked up you say no I will not ..... because you told me no and that is wrong and stick to it until the child shows remorse. Then you tell the child that when they do that behavior you will not respond to their needs.

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

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No, you aren't in the wrong. They are your children. I will spank on occasion but that's what I'm comfortable with. I would never tell someone else they have to spank. That's just ridiculous.

I say you deal with your kids how you want and if they don't like it, oh well.

Tammy - posted on 10/23/2012

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My kids have never screamed at me EVER & I've NEVEr spanked them! You can be a GREAT, consistent & strong parent without hitting your kids! Hitting/spanking is NOT discipline. It teaches the wrong things. I teach, model good behavior, am involved, have my eyes open, look for teaching moments, make the kids take responsibility, etc. I'm also very close to them, so they value my opinion. Someone literally told me the other day my son is the only one nice to her son. This kid is bullied, I was so proud of my son! He's in the "cool" group, but STILL very kind. I think that's a direct correlation to how I raised him. I lead by example. Best of luck!

Vie - posted on 10/23/2012

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I never spank my daughter. I just talk to her if she did something wrong and then she listen. I believe that they will stop if you spank them only because they are afraid you will hit them again not because they think what they did is wrong. Not spanking or spanking your child doesn't mean you are a bad mother, it is just that every parents have their own way of disciplining their kids.

Kristin - posted on 10/22/2012

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I don't think spanking really works. Of course I was never spanked as a child. My husband was and grew up in a military household. He is not on speaking terms with his father to this day. I had a best friend that also was-definitely not effective for her either. I really believe that striking children can at some point, some time lead you to doing so in anger and that is not effective. There are plenty of ways to punish your children without it. But I agree about the premarital counseling. It needs to be clear to his family on ALL levels that it is your child. Plus a discussion should probably be had if the two of you decide to have children together. I'm not saying screaming, etc is acceptable but so far timeouts (as many minutes as their age) are working for me. Also ignoring the tantrums and being firm with consequences work for us.

Kristal - posted on 10/21/2012

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Stevie< I defiently agree that the issue here is u and ur spouse needing to decide what u want to do as parents of ur children..Child rearing is big issue in marriages and as the child gets older its only going to get harder if u two dont have some kind of somewhat clear idea of the kind of parents u want to be.. THis should definetly though be between the two of u and the in-laws on both sides should be cut out of the equation and poliltey asked to let u two work it out. Family counseling and lots of parneting books that u guys can research and learn together I think would be ur best bet;) Good luck

Georgia - posted on 10/19/2012

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I agree with others who believe that the big issue here is not spanking, but you and your spouse being able to develop a discipline strategy that you both agree with. If you want to raise your kids without spanking that's fine. If you want to raise them with moderate spanking than that's fine too. But don't let this cause a major marital conflict.



Perhaps, you could agree that spanking is to be reserved for really serious behavior by your children. That doesn't include anything you see normally on a day-to-day basis. It does not include back talk, disrespect, or even lying. What maybe should be "spankable behavior" would be actions that put a child or others in danger or breaking the law. That's stuff that is pretty rare. If you limit it to that than you may be able to avoid discussing it for a long time. That maybe a good starting point. Also, get your husband some articles from magazines that talk about the problems involved with spanking and why it isn't the best disciplinary strategy.



Good luck.

Fit2BMe - posted on 10/18/2012

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Very true, Triwan!



Yesterday DS was dragging his crocs on the pavement in a way that wears them down very quickly. Originally I ignored the behaviour as often they're just experimenting for a moment and will move on, however if you make a deal of it they may continue. In this case it continued anyway.

I explained to him why we do not to this, and asked him to stop. The conversation was calm and informative. Generally this approach works very well for this particular child of mine. Yesterday, however, he had been tired, grumpy, and out of sorts and with that came some challenges. He continued with the behaviour. So I explained again why we do not do this, asked him to stop, and then let him know that having shoes is a privilege and if he was not taking care of his shoes I would need to take them away for the remainder of the day, which would then naturally mean no outside play for the remainder of the day. (I always ask a child to stop once, then a second time adding in what the consequence will be, and the third time is me following through on that. This gives kids a chance to make the right decision and learn before necessarily earning a consequence.) well DS continued, quite deliberately. I could tell he knew and understood though. I said "I'm sorry that you made the decision to keep doing that even though I explained why we don't and asked you not to. Now you need to give me your shoes please." He took off his shoes, tho unhappy at the consequence. When he had gathered himself (which doesn't take long as he knows) I did the typical follow up, asking to make sure he understood what happened and why I took his shoes away. His answers and explanation of the account convey his level of understanding to me. Then asked "who made this decision? is this mommy being mean or you making your own choices?", Then asked "was this fair?" --the beauty of kids is that they're usually honest and will acknowledge that ya, it makes sense and is fair. If they feel its unfair, we talk further and figure out what would have felt more fair, however in that process they generally come to acknowledge that it was fair. Then the key is to not give in, even if its an hour or more later.



Another example we had was dS-3, who seldom seldom seldom ever throws tantrums (like MAYBE than one every three months at most.) was very upset that there wasn't a car-cart available at the store. He began to cry. I knelt down and talked with him about his feelings, how I understood he was sad about this, that that's called disappointment. I acknowledged all his feelings, and that it can be hard to handle disappointment when you're not feeling great or you're tired etc. then said we can use a regular cart. He, however, tantrummed. I let him know this was not appropriate to do inside a store (he really wanted to be there) and if he continued we would have to leave, then suggested he try taking a minute to take some deep breaths and that might help. Tantrum continued, so we left the store. I stayed calm and kept explaining what was happening, as well as giving him ideas on what might help him regain composure. Outside of the store he continued and I did the same step, if we can't get a hold of this we will need to go into the car. We ended up needing to take that step. In the car he quieted down some. I calmly explained our two choices--to go in and use a regular cart without tantruming, or to go home. DS said "I will only stop crying if I can have a car-cart." So I calmly said "ok, I understand. That means we can't go back in the store though, so we will need to go home." And home we went. DS was super upset about that, however processing later was able to tell his dad on his own what happened and why and clearly he had accepted responsibility. It wasn't easy or convenient as a parent, but it was teaching, logical, fair, and made an impact.



This is what I have found to be most effective with kids. It teaches kids about their feelings, about their choices, about where they have control and how to manage it appropriately for their own sakes etc. However, as kids are all different, so might approaches need to be.

As a previous poster said, we are all learning and adjusting in the way, and what works for one or two may not for another.

As long as the goal remains the same: one of teaching, not punnishing.

Triwan - posted on 10/18/2012

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All I can say to that is...you do what you feel works best for you and your child, as you are the mother! You will learn from your mistakes (as we all do) and hopefully adjust to a better way (whatever that might be). We as parents are always adjusting, nothing is a "sure thing" and not every method works for every child.

Fit2BMe - posted on 10/16/2012

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Well said ladies.

Latonya, while I certainly understand where you are coming from (pretty well all of us Gen X'ers were spanked I think), I do agree that research points to more effective and respectful measures.

The problem is when parents start saying "I will NOT spank!" But then do not discipline either!! The key to a non-spanking household being effective is Consistency in other forms of discipline, and not using anything punitive.

I think we can all agree that Children require teaching and discipline. Out of control children are more likely the result of non-disciplining or lax and inconsistent disciplining homes, not just non-spanking homes.

Jennifer - posted on 10/15/2012

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Aw, this is a subject that will always come up; everyone was raised differently and different beliefs and some feel spanking is fine because that is how they grew up and that is what they know as discipline.

Latonya - posted on 10/14/2012

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Yes sorry spanking is important until your child understands that it should take negative attention getter to happen before you listen.You should be able to listen to anyone with force. That teaches discipline and respect. Kids should be able to treat adults or other kids in a disrespectful manner either.The behavior must be trained.

Fit2BMe - posted on 10/13/2012

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Another post from me... I studied psychology and social work, and worked as a social work for some time. This is what I learned:



1. Parenting is about TEACHING a child, not training them. There is an important difference there. Teaching helps the child understand how the world works, what behaviours are pro-social or not for what reasons, and involves them taking those values and ideas into themselves so that they will be self-directed. Training is basically just teaching a child to avoid punishment, without necessarily having any real understanding.



2. NOT FOLLOW THE LEADER: When a child has a harsh parent who trains without teaching, they learn to follow the strongest leader in their lives rather than to be capable of, and intrinsically motivated to, make the right decisions on their own. Parents, as we know, do not stay the strongest leaders in a child's life for long. And we certainly can not guarantee that the other leaders in a child's life will be good ones. If children are prodded, beaten, spanked, controlled, and simply ordered around with no real teaching or explanations, their guidance will remain exterior rather than intrinsic (interior). So when along comes a bulky, a negatively influencing friend, a gang-leader, an abuser (obviously taking the worse examples), those kids are already well versed in turning off their brains and just following along to avoid punishment or negative reactions.



3. CONSISTENCY: Success in anything with a child depends on consistency. This is actually proven in neuroscience in the "neurons that fire together wire together." If every time a child has an action, there is a consistent reaction, the child learns. So important to not leave out the teaching component here though. My son knows, through experience, that asking politely generally gets him results, and asking rudely never does. He knows through experience that behaving aggressively means people will not want to be around him and he looses out on the attention he seeks, whereas being kind gains him approval and attention. He knows, through experience, that when he is put to bed he stays in bed. Every single time he tries to come out (which he does not) he will be put back in.

He knows our rules because they have been explained to him, because he understands why they are in place, and because we are completely consistent with them. It has been proven that children derive security from boundaries and consistency as they can be confident in their parameters and know what to expect.



4. LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES: Logical and related consequences reinforce the teaching! A few examples: jumping on the couch you lose your couch privileges; throwing toys we take those toys away until you're ready to play with them appropriately; being aggressive means people won't want to be around you so you sit in time out away from any attention; not listening in swimming lessons and playing instead means you need to make up that time with a quiet time in the couch where people aren't listening to you so you experience what that feels like and are making up the time you wasted; hurting mommy during tuck-in means I will not be doing any more tuck in tonight and will just leave; dumping toys means you can now only play with one toy at a time for the rest of the day and may not play with another until you have cleaned the first one up; leaving your stuff all around the house means mommy has to do extra work to clean it up so you need to do chores to help mommy so you can earn that stuff back; when you make a mess you help to clean it up; if you miss the school bus because you're not getting ready on time then you need to use some of your allowance or do jobs to help pay for the extra gas and time we had to take; pooping or peeing in your underwear (only appropriate when they are already trained and are just being lazy) means you need to stop what you are doing to help clean it up and put on pajamas for the rest of the day as we dont give two or three outfits perday because its too mcg laundry, so this means you cant go outside for the rest of the day because youre in your pajamas. etc. etc. etc.

- talk calmly and explain it

-it's not punishment or made to make them feel bad, its just their choice and these are what their choices mean

-give warning of their different choices before they make them, and highlight that it is their choice. It has nothing to do with pleasing you as a parent but merely showing them that every action has a reaction, every choice has a consequence, those can be positive or negative. For my son, sometimes he thinks the negative consequence is worth the choice. That's fine. It's his decision. Inevitably he changes his mind the next time.



5. ADDRESS AND ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS: we acknowledge their sad and disappointed feelings when they are receiving a consequence and agree with them "ya, this is really sad to be missing out on...." Or "I'm really sorry you didn't make a good choice and now have to do this. That's not very fun is it. Tomorrow we will make better choices though, that's ok, this is all part of learning and you're doing just fine." It's amazing how far this goes with kids. This helps them develop a healthy emotional self-awareness and helps them understand that making good choices feels good while making bad choices does not (in the end), which helps them to become intrinsically motivated (self motivated) to make positive decisions even when you are not there standing over them.

Katie - posted on 10/13/2012

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Okay first of all in my opinion parents who spank do it out of anger not to teach their child anything. A child is going to tell you NO and fuss thats what toddlers do! Spanking almost always gets more severe as kids become immune to it. From my experience they do not become immune to having there things taken away or not being able to play. My older children have learned that if they misbehave they will have privlieges taken away and they start to earn them back after a set amount of time. But Im sorry to think you will ever have complete obedience from your children is naive. they will stop being affected by the spanking and the parent will become angry and frustrated. then the spanking will become more violent because the parent knows no other way to be a parent.

Leonor - posted on 10/09/2012

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i do spank mine when things get pretty ugly... spanking! ... not abusing! and they are pretty happy healthy kids! they do not yell at me when i ask them to do something; though that doesn't mean sometimes they have temper tantrums... I do believe that kids will push your buttons the most to find out how much they can get away with. I have a friend that does not spank at them, and always making excuses for their behavior... and both kids, a 4 year old and a 2 year old call her already "stupid"!

Fit2BMe - posted on 10/07/2012

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I have to say, I do not agree with spanking either. It seems odd and mixed messaging to tell kids not to hit and yet we hit them. I believe in consistent and firm discipline though. DS is really well behaved. Some of that is just personality as he really is a great kid who is safety conscious and rules oriented. However, we take time to talk about rules and expectations, as well as explain WHY we have those rules and expectations. We invite DS into these decisions when it makes sense to do so, and we are not angry or punitive when disciplining. We use logical consequences as much as possible.

For instance: when DS jumps on the couch, I have explained to him before that we do not jump on couches as they could break, as people could get hurt etc. and he knows if he jumps on the couch he gets a warning if its a kid forgetting, but then the next time he does it that day he loses couch privileges for the remainder of the day and can not even sit or lay or lean against the couch after that. It's really effective.

We also avoid "bad" behaviour by paying extra attention to the good behaviour. Ultimately kids act out for attention, so we work on catching him being good and praise and encourage that, rather than only paying attention when he's doing something wrong.

Jade - posted on 10/06/2012

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aw no hun if you dont want to dont do it its your child dont let any1 tell you how to controll them... my uncle keeps telin me to smack my childs fingers there no chance i would do that there is more ways to learn your children.. like taking some thing off them that they love till they listen to you or putting them in a naughty spot for time out or on the sofa for a few mins...



dont hit your kids cuz some one elce tels you to hun i get told the same just ignoe them and say you got your way of bringing your kids up and i got mine so i ill do it my way

how old is your child hun x

Ardra - posted on 10/06/2012

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Thanks luv, this is my first and I see what communication does at his age plus I know the mother I don't want to be.

Tammy - posted on 10/06/2012

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I think that you are a good mother. I think that mothers that spank their children over any little thing are taking the easy way out. I do feel that spankings are important in certain situations (if your child does something that could hurt them bad). It takes less than a minute to spank a child. It takes a more loving and dedicated person to have the patience and take the time to do it right. I have done both with my children and out of the two methods I think the more time that you invest in your children will make them better individuals. People that are putting you down may need to be put in time out to realize that they need to butt out!! They are probably jealous because you are doing a good job. Good luck and keep up the good work!!

Ardra - posted on 10/05/2012

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I won't say your wrong,BUT there has to be some type of action taken even if it's simply being firm in your tone when chastising your child. My son almost 8 months and I aggressively without yelling tell him no no. He understands I can tell him he can play with something but don't put it in your mouth and a understands. I talk to him constantly 90% of it he responds appropriately but I tap not hit tap his hand because he pinches and starches and that ish hurts. And the only reason my child will be allowed to tell me no is if I am truthfully causing him harm and I can agree that I need to be jailed for the reason he told me no...NEVER

Tristan - posted on 10/05/2012

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The big issue is not to spank or not to spank, it's that you and your fiance differ so much on parenting style. That's going to create a lot of trouble for you in the future. To be effective parents you need to be on the same page, other wise you poor child will be caught in the middle with two sets of rules. You two need to sit down and discuss how you want to parent your child(ren).



The spanking thing is up to you. There are two sides on this one, and each side seems to think that theirs is the right side. You need to parent in a way that allows you to sleep at night.

Lena - posted on 09/26/2012

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No, you're absolutely right! Don't let no one spank your child, that only humiliates and NEVER teaches anything, only that violence is a way of solving problems. Trust your instincts and don't let other people tell you how you should raise your child.

Emma - posted on 09/25/2012

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If your son is continuen to walk al over you yes, if ur teqnique is working then no, a lot of mothers these days dont understand that they are the dictators, rule makers and adult not ther kids x

Andrea - posted on 09/25/2012

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You can't ever allow your child to get away with telling you no or screaming at you. It doesn't matter why they're doing it. It is totally unacceptable no matter the reason and it will only get worse. I'm not saying spank all the time every time. Way more often than not I do time outs but sometimes its not enough and a couple of swats won't make them fear you. It make them fear doing what they know is wrong and honestly you need that. If they don't fear the wrong why would they want to do right. And also keep in mind every child is different. Not being spanked may have worked for you but that doesn't mean your child will do well in the same environment.

Jill - posted on 09/24/2012

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No you're not in the wrong and this is a deal-breaker level issue for going through with the marriage. Don't marry someone with a core value so different than yours, who has a family that pressures you, and that he allows said pressure to happen.

Raechel - posted on 09/23/2012

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MMy husband an I are the same way I don't want to spank he does we both were spanked as children and I believe you can get your point across to a child without it. you are not a bad mom for not spanking I think you are doing everything right just remember have him tell you what he did wrong and say sorry for the action I think communication is the way to a wonderful relationship with our children. some parents believe in spanking some don't no on is wrong in their beliefs everyone is different

Jenni - posted on 09/21/2012

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I'm with you, we are also a non-spanking home. Children do not need to be hit to be taught right from wrong. Luckily for me, my mom was never a big spanker and my husband's parents never spanked so I don't experience the pressure you are. But you better believe it would be over my dead body that anyone spanks my children or convinces me to.



You're doing right by your son. There is a reason that spanking is illegal and considered abuse in 33 countries. Stay strong.

Stevie - posted on 09/21/2012

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Thanks for all of the advice.. I'm truong to show them statistics everyone and then but everyone gets frustrated. I am sticking to my guns on this though and you all have good points I can use to get them to understand I hope.

Amanda - posted on 09/21/2012

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As someone who thinks spanking should be outlawed, I say if they don't like the way you parent your child shut up. I see my niece get a slap on the hand all the time for being bad. They say no and then slap her hand. She is one by the way. All she does now is hit your hand when she doesn't want you play with a toy because she wants it. When I say no to her she hits my hand. They learn by what they see. I put her hands down by her side hold on to them look her in the eyes and say NO, with a firm tone and then I turn away from her and "Ignore" her, because at one time out doesn't make sense since her brain can't wrap around it. And it works, if she throws a toy I take it away and do the same thing. I have no problems with her, but they do they hit her hand and she throws toys at them now too. They put her in time out and she screams, they then hug her and say its ok, so really they are doing more harm then good but they will catch on. Harming your child teaches them fear of their parents. What is gonna happen when he is older and heaven forbid he gets in real trouble but is scared to tell you because he thinks you will hit him. I never spank my child and I have no problem with him. He is four almost five and when he back talks to me I look him in the eye and tell him this isn't how you talk to people. What if mommy talked to you that way would you like it. If says I don't no or yes I talk to him that way. I say no i don't want to in a snotty way or I don't say please I just take the toy. He caught on real fast that to get something you ask nice. And yes when a child is tired they will always act out more. But you need to sit down with your husband and do your own research and show him why you don't want to hit him. Also after that when he understands why, you will need to sit down with his family and tell them we are not hitting our child if any of you have a problem with that keep your mouth shut because this is our son, and if any of you spank my son he will not be allowed to stay with you. If it continues to happen then you have every right to charge them with abuse to your son, because that is what it is child abuse! STAND YOUR GROUND MOM! THAT IS YOUR CHILD TOO!

Nikki - posted on 09/21/2012

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I agree with you, you need to stand up to your family for your child's rights. They need to educate themselves about the harm hitting your child can do.

Tori - posted on 09/21/2012

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You don't have to beat misbehavior out of a child. He needs consistency, and firmness of punishments, but spanking is entirely unnecessary. I think I was spanked maybe three times as a child, and all three times were for offenses much more extreme than simply yelling at my parents (stealing, etc.) and I never did those things again afterwards - looking back though I think a stern talking-to would have worked, and the spankings were heat-of-the-moment occurrences.



Personally I think spanking is only acceptable as an immediate response to your child doing something that's dangerous, and even then just a slap to the hands or rear end, NEVER the face, and never more than one quick, firm tap - enough to sting, not enough to leave a mark. For example running out into the street or trying to stick something in a light socket. It's also important to follow the spanking up with a firm talking-to as well, explaining why you did it and why what they were doing was dangerous.



So I guess basically what I'm saying is that spanking should not be a catch-all punishment, but reserved for very important, very potentially-dangerous situations where an immediate, forceful response is warranted. If you just spank a kid for every wrongdoing, it becomes something your kid learns to expect, and he learns that hitting is an okay reaction to anything that happens that he doesn't like, which is not the effect you want!

Holly - posted on 09/20/2012

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Spanking and discipline in general is each parents decision. I don't care what method you use as long as you are teaching your child right from wrong, Abuse of course is a fine line and NEVER ok. I have 7 siblings and we were all disciplined differently. Spanking wouldn't work for some but taking things away did better with others. One of my siblings all my mother had to do was give a look and they'd stop. Each child is different.



I met a child where NO punishment was enough. No punishment worked. I think they could have beat that child bloody and it wouldn't have made a difference. Nothing worked and the mom was at it's wit ends. She took it to a psychiatrist who of course decided the child had a medical problem and basically recommended the child be put on a sedation med. This is more acceptable to alot of people than spanking. Drugging the child into behaving. You literally saw the light go out of the child's face..... but now it was manageable. So is that ok? Is that better than spanking? They are doing what they think is right though.



I personally think that if you have found a way to teach your child right from wrong and have a reign on them .... that's awesome! If you can do it without spanking. Awesomer even! I don't judge people if they do or don't spank. I've seen about every responsible punishment work and not work for children. They all are different little human beings. There isn't one answer to this as you illustrated with the fact that you and your husband were disciplined differently and it made no difference. Each of my children respond to different discipline best. My daughter will learn the first time... My son on the other hand might be in the corner a dozen times for something and he still won't learn his lesson. He's not a bad kid. The corner just doesn't work for him. Take his lego's away.... he pry won't do it again. lol. So to each his own.

Tami - posted on 09/20/2012

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1. a child under the age of 3 is way too young to spank.

spanking should only be done in SERIOUS situations.

time out and stick to it. my two year old is a time out regular. she tells me when she is done having a fit while she stands with her nose against the wall and people constantly tell me how amazing she behaves. spanking is never necessary. and illegal. if someone saw or heard that you spank your child, child protective services would be at your door in an instance. fear on the other hand is a good thing to an extent. being spanked or not as well has nothing to do with how you behave when your older. we were all spanked only when time out was not enough. i can count the times i was spanked and my sister and brother were angles as teens compared to me and my younger sister.



i would explain to his family to leave it alone. you will raise your child how you feel best. I'm nasty though when it comes to people trying to tell me how to parent. I've already brought up to my mother-in-law about her sons past and stated I will raise my child accordingly you already had your turn, and i would like my daughter not to repeat my own or her fathers mistakes so i will raise her in the way i deem fit to see that. if i was in your situation knowing i don't care what bridges i burn i would state that they should drop it and if i ever found out they laid a hand on my child id go through the courts to ensure they could never be left alone since hitting a child is ILLEGAL. hope that helps

Tracie - posted on 09/20/2012

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Tell them all to pick up any parenting book written in the last 30 years.



We have decades of studies PROVING that spanking only works short term (and often not even then) and often does long term damage. There are countless non-violent ways to teach children proper behavior.



In your presence should be the safest place on earth for your child. Do not let your fiance take away your child's safe place.



TEACH. Don't hit.



Good luck.

Tammy - posted on 09/20/2012

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Sorry, wanted to write more & it wouldn't let me! Your fiance's family is wrong. If you look at studies ACROSS THE BOARD, hitting i.e. spanking, causes escalated aggression in the child. It's a lot harder to not hit & get the point across, but worth is in the end. The goal is to teach the child, holding your own composure is part of showing the child how to act. If you act out & hit, how does that teach him/her to NOT act out? Strange how people think, but that's why there are so many delinquents in the world. Good luck!!!!! Oh, I'd also suggest you gather some research & show your hubby & his family. It's not their fault if they're ignorant. I showed my hubby who used ot hit his kids & they are doing a lot better now.

Tammy - posted on 09/20/2012

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NO! I have kids & never spanked them once & they're teens & a delight! They literally do well in school, don't talk back, are hard workers, etc. Parenting is about teaching long term. If you think about it, spanking is just the parent lashing out themselves inappropriately. You can be VERY strict, hitting does not mean being strict & not hitting does not mean not being strict. Many people get that confused. To be strict, follow through with what you say, everytime! Make the kid accountable! You don't hit to show this, hittting teaches the wrong things.

Nikki - posted on 09/20/2012

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I do not think you are wrong. Spanking or choosing not to spank is a personal decision. I had the same problems with both my parents and my husbands parents. They both think that spanking is the ONLY way to teach a child and if you choose not to spank then you are a bad parent. Me and my husband both disagree with them, we agree on how to discipline our child (time out) and all of our family knows this and also knows that we are not going to change our minds and that it is not their child and none of their business. How does your fiance feel about spanking? We do not allow our daughter to stay with any grandparents beacuse they do not respect out rules. Good luck :)

DeAnn - posted on 09/19/2012

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You are not in the wrong, you just have a different parenting style. The two of you should seek pre-marital counseling. It's an issue you need to agree on before you get married.



Personally, I am in favor of pops on the bottom for bad behavior when a child (NOT a toddler) knows what they are doing is wrong but does it anyway and it's THE last resort. It needs to be egregious and only once we've both had a time out so I or my husband are no longer mad and we can explain why it's being done calmly. We've doled out very few to our kids. A couple of times, it's done as an immediate necessity, and my son would say "Haha that didn't huurt!" and I'd say "I didn't do it to hurt you, I did it to get your attention. What you're doing is dangerous and you could get hurt for real, and I love you and don't want that to happen to you." We would never use belts or implements, and utilize time outs or extra chores or other options first.



But that's us. You are you. Your fiancee is him. You need to agree on a discipline plan, and write it down. So few do this, it scares me, and gives spanking a bad rap.

Cleaver - posted on 09/19/2012

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i really dont understand how not spanking makes you a bad mother... the worse i do is tap my sons hands when hes reaching for something he shouldnt even then its to get his attention not inflict pain

Stevie - posted on 09/18/2012

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I am constantly beeing batered by his family. The other day my son didn't want to go in his car seat and screamed no at me. So I told him, sit down its time to go. I strapped him in still screaming and we proceeded to move the car. This was all happening because he was tired.. I was told my fiancées uncle wanted to tell me to spank him or else no one would ever want to be around my kid. He speed stopped not even two min after the car started to move and he fell asleep yet what I did was still wrong!

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