How do you cope with being a stepmom?

Alyson - posted on 09/19/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have been with my boyfriend/finance for 2 years (we are soon to be engaged but have not made it official to family yet). When we were dating for 3 months he got a paper in the mail saying he was being served for child support... Well apparently he didnt know he had a child out there and now the mother wanted money so she filed for him to pay child support. She said initially that "she thought it was in the best interest of the child to know her father" But has not done a single thing to back that statement up. She made everything difficult and drawn out. At first she would randomly cancel weekends because she "had plans" and she didnt "have to" let the child come over. We had to travel 2 hours away from our home and stay in his parents house to have visitation. The mother would only let her spend a few hours with us on saturday then after 3 months she let us visit for a few hours on saturday and sunday. Finally she let us have her for a night.Then we found out in the middle of this that we were pregnant and due in January right around the first visitation would be at our home. Obviously with having a newborn it was hard to drive for 8 hours(at first it was only allowed sat at 10am until sunday at 6pm) every other weekend. We had to invest in a lawyer which is not cheap, still paying out the butt in child support and doing ALL the driving every other weekend with a newborn.... Needless to say it was HARD and draining on out relationship.

Finally this past June court was over and now we have visitation every other weekend from Friday at 730 pm( he has to leave right from work at 530, drive 2 hours to pick her up then head back, usually not getting home until close to 10pm) until Sunday at 6pm. (Its been a year and a half since we first found out) We still do ALL the driving and she still causes problems... She is allowed to call once on the day she doesnt see the child so Saturday... but She calls 4 or more times that day and at LEAST 3 times on Sunday. We only answer and let her talk to the child once because she gets the child all upset with " I miss you baby" and "I love you SO SO SO SO MUCH". The kid is 3 1/2.. not a "baby" and then the kid gets upset and says she doesnt want to be with us and the mother always says "I know you dont but you only have to be there for one more day" Just making it OK for the kid to say those things. IT makes me so mad because my BF wont do anything about it he just gets pissed about it then usually we fight.

We fight after EVERY VISIT. So enough was enough and now he barley sees the child. We havent seen her in since the beg of August and we have been really happy. The mother still sends bills and has said NOTHING about him seeing the child. We are almost positive she only came after him for the money.. She has never made a decision that was in the best interest for the child, she always says "im not comfortable" or "Im not ready for that" "So if im not ready neither is the child". I just cant deal with it anymore, she just wants all the money she can get from us and there is nothing we can do about it. She enrolled the kid in a private top of the line preschool that he has to pay half of... in gymnastics... which he has to pay half of. He doesnt even get a say in it.. she just sends a bill and we have to fork out the money. And let me tell u.. the child support should WELL cover all this extra bs she sends our way. I just cant hold in my hatred for this woman anymore. And whenever the kid comes over she acts JUST like her mother and gets all mouthy.. and i cant help but get so angry and want nothing to do with this child. I feel so horrible for feeling this way.. i really do because I LOVE kids... just not this one.
I even made him go to counseling with me to hopefully help and it did for a little while until her mother caused more drama and made us fight. I love him more then anything, i believe he is my sole mate and the father to my daughter. I couldnt even dream of being with out him. I just want his BM and her kid to not be involved in our lives :(. He wants to be her "father" but he missed 2 years of her life, we live 2 hours away and the mother is NOT helping with ANYTHING because "She doesnt HAVE to help" All she has to do is send bills.

Does anyone else have issues similar to mine? If so how do you cope with the feelings and the stupid BM?

PS: they were never married or dating. It was a hook up type thing so its not like there is a chance of feelings nor am i worried about feelings between them.

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Jessica - posted on 07/10/2012

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I have a (step) son who my husband and I have had full custody of since he was in diapers. His bio mom is a bit on the crazy side and plays mid games and manipulates him all the time. When he comes home we generally (not always) have to deal with the affects of the weekend. My thought is if you love this man as much as you say you do, you take all the good with the bad, which means that if he wants to be a part of his kids life then you should support him. The two of you need to get on the same page and understand that you can only control what happens in your home not hers (BM). So if she is a crazy psycho chick that only wanted money from your boyfriend/fiance then so be it, but that should not stop you guys from seeing this child. Yes the mom manipulates this kiddo so that they get upset or act out while in your home. She is getting the reaction she wants from you and the child. I don't think its fair for you to say you don't "love/like" this child, its not his/her fault its ultimately the mothers fault for manipulating her child.

So like I said before if he wants to be a part of his kids life, regardless of missed time, if you love him as much as you say you do you should not stop him. you should together show the child unconditional love and be consistent no matter how bad the mother gets. In the end the child will know who is there for them.

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Julie - posted on 12/18/2013

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I need advice... I have 2 kids my husband has a 3 year old that he recently got custody of. When she goes to her mother or mother's family she comes back very hateful, I dont love you, and acts out. Because of her age and her mother is very immature with the situation (TOTAL DRAMA). I seem to get blamed for everything when i have done nothing but the best by her daughter so she puts these things in her head and the 1st couple days of her coming back home same action.. after a few days she is the same loving child she was before. I dont know how to respond when she says and does these things

Jennie - posted on 12/13/2012

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My fiance' and I became engaged after knowing one another for 25yrs. After graduation, we both ended up in horrible marriages ending in divorce, misery, and both of us have kids. We were high school sweethearts. We got pregnant, but I was also raped around the same time. I ended up being forced into a marriage with one of my rapists. After almost 20 yrs, my fiance' and I reunited, and found out that my oldest daughter, now almost 19, is his as well. So that parts exciting. The only bad part is that he wasn't there. And the man who raised her always knew inside he wasn't her Bio Dad, but when we separated, he hit me with divorce papers and ran out of state with my 2 girls. I looked EVERYWHERE in EVERY state for them, but I was always one step behind. I spent years searching, hiring P I's, you name it. I had no help from my family even though they knew where they were the whole time. 11yrs of not seeing my children, I get hit with $24,000 worth of back child support, I had to leave my home, business, my life basically, and come back to take care of these legal matters. My daughters didn't even know me when I saw them for the first time. They were 15months and 4months when my ex took them, and here they were 11 and 12. I lost so much time with them. My oldest and I have since bonded, and now she's going to have her first child in a few months. My 2nd oldest and I only talk when it's convenient for her. She still blames me for "not being there." I tried to explain to her that I looked so hard and long for them, but their "dad" was always ahead of me in the game. He had money and a tight family network. He turned my family against me when he was the one doing all these horrible things to me. He beat and tortured me severely. He was so abusive that I never fully recovered; not until my fiance' now and I found one another and are now planning our wedding. My fiance' too has kids, a son and a daughter. The daughter,11, and I get along great! The son however has issues with the idea of me being "the step mom." I'm understanding of the fact that he may "like" me, but he'll never REALLY like anyone his dad's with because it's not his mom. I've been very patient with him, but it's difficult when he looks and acts EXACTLY like his mom. And when she puts ideas into his head like how nasty of a person I am because of my profession; I'm a physical massage therapist who works for a Chiropractor. She tells him that I rub mens' private parts for money and that's how daddy and I got together. She tells the kids just the most absurd and terrible things about us. She even has HIS family on a string. She feeds them lies and says that my fiance' is doing this and that to get out of paying CS. He had to petition for a modification because he had to change jobs earlier this year. He was injured on the job and while on medical leave, his position was terminated. He now makes SIGNIFICANTLY less than what he did. He ended up with a very small settlement out of the other place of employment, severance you could say. The ONLY reason she retaliated against the modification is because he didn't give her any money out of his settlement. She claims that she can't afford to pay for the fancy house her and the kids live in, or the bills, etc. Well, let's see, she ONLY buys the kids clothes from Hollister and Aeropostale. Every night when my fiance' calls to tell the kids goodnight, he asks what they did for dinner, and AGAIN, just like every other night of the week, they ate out at a restaurant. I don't mean McD's either. They go to places like Japanese steakhouses and fancy Mexican restaurants. EVERY NIGHT she spends I know at least $50 on the 3 of them. So let's see, if you spend roughly $50 a night for 7 nights, that's $350 a week! Hell, that would put groceries in my house for about 3 weeks, AT THE MINIMUM! We hardly ever eat out anywhere. Then she buys the daughter, only 11, an iphone 4, twice she's replaced it because the daughter has broken it. The son has every gaming system possible, not to mention a Kindle Fire, 2 ipods(the new ones), mp3's all kinds of electronic s**t that a kid that age,8, shouldn't even have! And the EX wonders why we don't have the money to take the kids anywhere nice anymore...we spend ALL OF OUR MONEY ON THEM! My 9 year old has gone without just for his kids' sake and so his ex won't b****h about anything! Regardless, she still keeps on my fiance's a**. She claims to not have any money for this and that, but yet she can hire an expensive attorney to make sure that my fiance' won't get the modification of CS and take the kids out to eat EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. So I totally understand what you're saying about how you don't want the kids involved in your life. My fiance' has even gotten to the point where he's so tired of fighting, because his ex does everything she can to keep the kids away from him. She even told her attorney that my fiance' is a physical and emotional threat to HER kids and wants him to have supervised visitation! It's gotten so out of hand with her. Our attorney says not to worry, but I am nothing but worried. My step son is so unruly. When he doesn't get his way, he flails about and throw the biggest temper tantrums. We're both calm with him and explain that his behavior isn't acceptable. He's very rude. He talks to me and his father like we're beneath him. I want to jerk a knot in his tail, but love him at the same time. He needs his butt spanked, but his mom lets him bully just like she does. She throws her weight around and gets through life by bullying and intimidation. She controlled my fiance' for years and the problem now is that she uses the kids as a means of trying to control him still. It's slowly wearing off. It's taken a couple of years because he's FINALLY seeing what she's been up to this whole time. With good family networking from my side, and an awesome legal advisor, he's been able to cope with her dealings. Talk to your attorney and find out what your options are. Until you get married, to the ex you are just a GF and a temporary fix.

She only thinks she has the upper hand because she has his kid, THAT'S IT.

[deleted account]

OMG please, please, please read my latest post.

Pretty much similar and I am about to freak.

Long story short my bf was with a girl before me and now she was pulling this pregnancy cars. The baby is in fact living..but we dont know if it is my bfs. She has been harassing us for almost 2 years over this and I HAVE HAD IT.

She drives me crazy and she is full of DRAMA.

I want nothing to do with her or this child.

I PRAY it is not his.

Read my post for further info about this story.



Thanks!!



About you and your situation. I know how you feel. I really do. These JEALOUS EXES are nothing but PROBLEMS!!!

Cora - posted on 11/08/2011

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First off if it's not court ordered he pay for extra expences there's not a thing she can do about it, and second of all did he ever get it legally established that the child was infact his, or did he just say ok I'll pay for the child without a blood test done?
He should try to get it where she meet you half way with said child for visitation with 'father'. Also if the courts said 'ONE PHONE CALL DURING VISITATION' you don't have to allow her more than that for contact with child.
As for not wanting the child involved in ya'lls life, thats not going to be fair to the child, whether she is acting out or not. Try putting yourself in her shoes, she's 3, she doesn't know much better than what her 'mother' has taught her for those years 'Father' wasn't there. It's a HUGE adjustment to that child. And also if she is an only child she's going to go through what I say is 'Baby Syndrome' the world revolves around her when she is with Mommy. Thats going to be another huge change to her with you and your BF having a baby of your own now.
As for what the child tells her Mommy during the phone conversations, there's not much you can do to stop it, all I can suggest is that 'Father' ask 'Mother to try and incourage the child that everything is ok. But it seems to me the mother really doesn't care about it. If the child seems upset just try and ask her whats wrong without getting upset about her answers. When my folks first split up I couldn't saty a full night at my fathers for a few months, I was terrified of the change, and I was an older child then. I hope this can help you a little bit with what you're feeling as the soon to be StepMom.

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