12 year old SD and attitude

Sarah - posted on 01/05/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My SD is 12. I had just been her and her dad for 5 years before me. I was a friend but now I'm her mom and she has a 1 year old baby brother. My concern is that she takes absolutely no responsibility for anything! She will not do chores, even for an allowance. Whenever we ask her to do something she gets pissed of at us, even my husband. She is fairly anti-social and purposefully defiant. But the part that worries me the most is that she has very little regard for conseqences. She never really thinks that she has done anything wrong, like never, it goes with taking responcebility for things she just never thinks that her actions have anything to do with what goes on. I just worry that she might hurt me or her brother one day, or even her dad. Is that silly? How do I balance knowing that her father is the love of my life and wishing sometimes that she wasn't around? I want her to succeed and do well, but I don't know how to help her and her behavior is terrible....

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Sarah - posted on 01/08/2009

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I'd like to add to the counseling suggestion but maybe everyone involved should have the same opportunity for counseling. Remember when you were younger if someone said you needed a counselor and how horrible and all alone it could make you feel. We are in process of getting to know a therapist. SD kinda shoved off the idea at first but I made it clear that I want this opportunity for our whole family to stay healthy and not because anyone things something is "wrong" with her. Lately her mother has said things like "why can't you be normal" the thing is she is exactly normal. SD is excited about this opportunity now so we plan to have our first session with her in the next couple of weeks. Other resources that have helped me - Children the challenge - parenting using the principal of respect which works for friends, family, kids etc. Raising Ophelia (or any Ophelia book) has helped me remember and look into what my SD is and will be going through. I remember once when I was her age, it was a bad day and the tears just kept coming. My grandmother was the only one who figured out that what I needed most was a hug and she gave me one - that was all it took to make a memory and help me feel better on that day. Let's stick together on these boards, I know we help one another. I turned to circle of step moms because as it turns out I don't have any close friends that are in a similar situation - there are lots of us out there though.Take care! Prayers for your family and especially your SD.

B. P. - posted on 01/07/2009

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Maybe you should talk to your husband about putting her in counseling. It can be a big adjustment to have a new step-mom, a new sibling and puberty all at once. And if you think she could possibly hurt someone you should definately have her talk to a professional. I don't think you are silly. Both my step-kids started weekly counseling as soon as they moved in with us full-time. Their mom had major problems so they really needed it, but my SD is still going. She has trouble listening, doing her chores, she acts very immature and dramatic, etc. It is really tough for me to deal with her. She is only 9 so I am definately stressed for the teen years! I think your best bet is couseling before things get worse. Sometimes you just need outside help. Good Luck!

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