A little Embarrased and Guilty...

T - posted on 11/09/2009

I'm sorry it feels like that! Have you ever read or studied the Love Languages books? I wonder if you and your husband need to understand each other's LL? Have you ever had a conversation with him about making sure she sees that you and he show affection to each other? Do you show the same affection for her when you get home and take off in the morning that he does? She's young enough that that would be totally appropriate. Does he know you feel a little outsider-ish? Are you getting enough time together? No, you truly can't help feeling that way, but you can take positive steps gain insight, to share that with him, to address the issue.

Boy, I'd give my shoes away to be able to have happy hugs and smilie 2 year olds (although I'm past my years to keep up with them). My SS is a teenager and was 15 when his dad and I married. No hugs or happiness there! LOL

Susanne - posted on 11/09/2009

Join the club when i moved in with my husband he had a 11 year old daughter and we both had the same problem. Too be honest 13 years on shes still jealous of me but i got over it when i had my own children because then i realised how he felt about her because i felt the same about my kids

Victoria - posted on 11/08/2009

megan just b patient an he will come around.be patient and talk to him more and more i went through this. we ova come this by the children having there time with us an we have diffrent time with the children . i have 3 step kids and 7 step grands and he only has my one so it can be alot to deal with but girl get u a specail hour or 30 mins. for you put tha kids to bed early every now an then get your time separate an then it won't feel as bad,be patient and it will come i assure you.........

Michelle - posted on 11/04/2009

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL ! I'm a step mom and used to be jealous of my boyfriend's relationship with his kids. I now know it was just my twisted mind. I dealt with it by talking to someone I trusted. I even told my boyfriend. He was upset , but I asked him "Would you rather know how I feel , or have me build a horrible grudge against these innocent children ?" He helped me through it by giving me as much attention as he gave them. When the green monster creeps in now , I just tell myself that it's silly. It usually passes. Hope it helps ?

Victoria - posted on 11/04/2009

you should really stop, do u no how hard it is to form a relationship b-tween a father and a daugther, please stop freaking out this is really not good does he no u feel this way...........

Jama - posted on 11/03/2009

Let's face it: its hard being on the outside looking in. That is exactly what you are doing when you join another person in their already existing life that began without your presence. Being a step-parent, in my opinion, is one of the hardest jobs in the world. I too have felt jealousy at times concerning my husband and SD. Sometimes it seems he is too tired to have a real conversation with me but let her start talking and he's all ears and perks right up. He also tends to see things from her perspective rather than mine which feels like 2 against 1 sometimes. I too feel petty and childish when the ugly green monster rears its ugly head. Unfortunately, I think its pretty normal and would just try to work on establishing your own interests, both by yourself, and with your husband. The less time you have to dwell on being an outsider of sorts, the less likely you are to have negative feelings about it. Staying busy can really be a Godsend at times. Find your own interests and reassure yourself that if you two have your own child, your husband will be a wonderfully attentive father, just as he is to your SD. Another idea, since the child in question is so young, is to get more directly involved in the hugs and kisses. Carry the child to the door when your husband comes in the door and greet him together with hugs and kisses. In this way you can include yourself in the affection while simultaneously showing your husband that you accept both his child and his love for the child wholeheartedly. Both are options, it just depends on what you are comfortable with. Anyway, good luck and hope it helps :)

Sandy - posted on 10/30/2009

Sometimes I have to admit...although my 3 daughters are with my now husband, I feel as though the only daughter he truly loves or tries with is his daughter with from a previous marriage. I feel like my kids are his step children and she is the only one that is his...I can't say that is easier on her then the rest but I will say that although he is tough on her at times, the rest of the time it seems as though she is the only ones whos feelings or thoughts matter to him. This makes me very sad as my 7 year old daughters relationship with her father suffers because of this.

Wendy - posted on 10/27/2009

I have two older step-children, one boy and one girl, and I have a child from a previous marriage. The relationship with my husband and his daughter is just different than it is with his son and even with my son. Fathers and duaghters have a special bond. My mother and I have discussed this - she told me how my step-father gave me special treatment (and he still does) that he did not give her. I can ask him for anything and he will do it without question or argument. If my mother asks for anything he will argue and tell her why it can't be done. It drives her crazy!! At the same time, if I ask something from my husband he will do it eventually. If his daughter asks for something he usually does it right away. My adivse is to sit down and tell your husband how you feel, maybe not the jealous part because men don't understand that, but let him know that you feel a little hurt and lonely when he doesn't tell you that he loves you when he leaves. You are not wrong or selfish to feel this way, your marriage is just new and young (just going off the age of your step-daughter). You and your husband are seeing what and how things work for your family. Just be honest with him, and if you can talk to him straight forward without getting excited or upset - my husband tunes me out when I put to much emotion into what I'm talking about. Good luck and remember he is there for you - he married you didn't he!!

Emma - posted on 10/26/2009

Wow, I admire your honesty! Although my sd didn't live with us, I too used to feel the same when she was staying with us for a while. I had to sit down and explain to him that although I love her, it is so much harder to be a mum to someone elses child and that I needed more encouragment and shows of affection. He hadn't thought that it would be hard on me, infact he thought all women would naturally take on another.



Since being a mum to my own boys I have realised that being a mum is still a thankless task, but it is so much easier as they are mine. I know that sounds terrible but it has bought me and my sd so much closer. You need to tell him how you feel, and I am pretty sure he will understand better than you think. Make sure you still have nights out as a couple, so you can be your own person. But please tell him, it bought us so much closer.



Good luck x

Michelle - posted on 10/24/2009

You are not crazy. Stand next to her and demand your kiss goodbye too!

This could so easily turn into something worse...Jealousy leading to seperation between you and SD which leads to distance between you and hubby which leads to more jealousy...

I had to make it a rule that I get first kiss hello and last kiss goodbye and last kiss goodnight. That seems to have helped here.

Carrie - posted on 10/24/2009

I think it's pretty normal to feel that way. You want the same attention and love your SD is getting. Does your SD give you a lot of trouble? My SS is a terror and I find it hard to love him at all after almost 5yrs and sometimes I feel like with everything he puts us all through that the other ones should get the same love. Being a blended family has it's ups and downs defiently. But it's very hard for people to get used to. I don't think you're being jealous, I think we as step parents or even woman want to feel loved unconditionally and amazingly. I don't know if you should talk to your husband about it, I don't just because I feel like if I say something then he might think I'm starting problems. Maybe get some counseling of some sort because most counselors will help you get through it, and maybe even help you work on things to remove jealousy or feelings of not enough attention.

Jaime - posted on 10/22/2009

No prob Meghan!

If you want to chat, I am here, just send a PM!!

Good luck- I am off to work after a nice quiet morning to myself!!!

Kate - posted on 10/22/2009

I have 2 step children that are older than yours so my situation is a little different. I would try talking to your husband and maybe work on a way you can be a part of it so you don't feel left out. It is a different relationship but something is making you feel this way. For me I have felt that in the beginning but being a part of that routine my husband had with his kids helped me with my issues. I wasn't an outsider, I was part of it. Good luck

Meghan - posted on 10/22/2009

Thanks...our situation is a little different than yours I should have put that in the question...my SD lives here with us every day except every other weekend when she visits her bio-mom...Her mom left the picture when she was 4 months old to run off and marry a guy that she got preggers with while still with my husband...she was gone over a year and NEVER once came home to see her daughter...that is what makes me sickest...I guess I'm feeling insecure because alot of things have changed this past year...bio mom came home and wants to be apart of her life when Im the only mom she has ever known...I hate to feel the way I do...but sometimes I feel like I am much less important to him than she is...

Jaime - posted on 10/22/2009

Where is her BM?? Have you tried to talk to your hubby about this??

I had a little trouble with this at first too. There are times when my husband is harder on our children together than he is on my SS or even slightly ignore our children and focuss on his son. I had a talk with him years ago and his answer was I guess I am trying to make up for all the times I can't be around him. Our situation has changed drastically and we hardly see my SS any more. We used to see he ever 2 weeks, now we are lucky to see him 2-3 times a year. I would say for the last 6 years my husband treats the kids all the same when they are all together which makes all of us happy.

I would love to chat with you more, but the BM to my SS is a very active CoM member so feel free to send me a PM sometime!