Almost 10 year old step daughter issues

Larissa - posted on 10/30/2011

I was going to reply to this but Taryn said everything I was going to say and more. Well said!

Taryn - posted on 10/24/2011

We had to take a new approach to my SD over the past year or two as she got older.

Because she was nervous about her place in the family (her bio mom had a new baby with her newest boyfriend as well) - hard going from being the only one in two families to one of 3. Boundry testing etc is part of the game with any kids but SK's more so. Im like you in that I spend a lot more time in the parenting dept then Dad does simply out of necessity. I found that while punishment/reward for behaviour was obviously still part of parenting - explaining why was more important for a change.

When she is in trouble for doing something "bad" she doesn't just get in trouble for doing xyz. We explain to her - do you understand why your in trouble - yes - do you know why we care so much about your behaviour and why were disappointed - this turned out to be kinda a no. Then we explained - the reason we want you to learn from this behaviour is because we KNOW you are a smart girl, we KNOW you can be better then this, we KNOW that you are capable of making good choices and we BELIEVE in you. We know all these things because we love you and if we didn't think you were so SMART, so CAPABLE, so ABLE we wouldn't have expectations of you, but we do. We know your smart and thats why we expect better of you. You are going to be an amazing sister and because you are so smart, and capable you are able to set an amazing example to a little baby that will grow up to value your opinion. We believe you can be the best example ever because your AWESOME.

After about 6 months of telling her that we think she is smart, thats why we expect more. That we think she is capable etc. we saw a real turn around in her behaviour. First her sense of self worth improved, she realized she was REALLY important to us and would be to the new baby and that she could be better.

We have a motto in our family - High expectations of you are good thing because that means someone thinks your capable of meeting them, far better for someone to have high expectations of you then none, meaning they don't think your amazing at all. (and we happen to think your amazing)

good luck!!!

Melanie - posted on 10/17/2011

It sounds to me that she is just trying to see what she can get away with now that someone else will be coming along. I bet she is very excited to be a big sister but she is testing.....like always, I don't think the testing will EVER stop....lol, but don't give in, just keep doing what you are doing, by punishment, taking things away...even time-out (it may seem like she is a bit old for it but she will learn pretty quick that she doesn't want to be a kid sitting in timeout) Also, things like this may start popping up again once the baby is born, because now she has to get used to not getting all of the attention, but make sure you still make her feel loved. You could even try sitting down and talking with her about her feelings.
I didn't say it before, but CONGRATS on the new addition to your family. I hope things work out :)