Am I being unreasonable wanting SD to share a room?

Cidalia - posted on 04/28/2009

I agree with everyone. In our home, the SKs have to share with the kids that live here. We have 3 living with us and 3 that visit weekends. Six kids and a 3-bedroom home. The girls share a room and the boys share a room and hubby and I get the other room. It really does not make sense to make the kids that live there full time (and the adults) uncomfortable for an occasional visitor.

Kenna - posted on 04/26/2009

Wow, I tried to read most of the replies but to much reading makes my eyes hurt. First though I saw several comments about the "law" about weather opposite sex children are able to share sleeping quarters. Just FYI to all, you would have to check into you local area's laws. Some states DO have laws against it after the children reach a certain age and apparently in reading the replies there is at least on state that does not.



But as for your situation, I am soooo sorry for you. That is actually a pretty difficult one. You are not being unreasonalbe as you need to ensure the health and well being of all your children and of course a good nights sleep falls into that. However, your SD is quite a bit older than your BD and that does need to be taken into consideration. She will be hitting purberty before to long and would benifit from having privacy. The sunroom sounds like it may be the best solution, I am just wondering if you have to access it through and outside door then will you and your DH being able to hear in the event of an emergency?



Good luck, let us know how things turn out

Natasha - posted on 04/26/2009

There is no need for SD to have her own room. Children same sex can share same room. My SD's BM demended we provide a separate room for SD when we were in court last year, modifying parenting plan. The judge basically told her that her request was unreasonable, well, (simply we don't have an extra room to provide for her and besides I have the same age daughter who she can share the room with), then the judge looked at my hubby and told him that my daughter and SD can share a room, again as long as the children are the same sex.

I think your idea is good and you should follow thru with it. Move the baby out into his own room, this way everyone will get at least some sleep :)

Rebecca - posted on 04/24/2009

Well the latest is that DH told SD without me around that she will have to move in with BD due to BS waking through the night etc. There was no mention made to her of the use of the sunroom & when I asked him he just decided that it wasn't an option so she has not been given any choice in that matter. Guess I'll just have to wear the flack on this one too if she decides she doesn't like it since DH has gone behind my back & made the decisions with SD AGAIN! Some days I wonder what I ever saw in him.

Ashley - posted on 04/23/2009

I really, really think that you and your husband should team up and do whatever you feel is best for all three of the children involved...and do it with love. This is a tough situation for ALL involved, and it could easily become an US vs. THEM situation, but I am confident that you won't let it. I can tell that you are really worried about everyone and trust that even if it's a little crowded and loud for a little while, you guys will get through it if you work together.

Sandy - posted on 04/23/2009

Sometimes I think when we have blended family issues that outside influences make to much of the same things that happen in households where there are not step kids, bio parents and blended family involvement. Alot of families do not have a separate bedroom for each child and alot of kids share rooms with siblings. Sometimes there is just no way of pleasing everyone so we just must make the best decisions we can based on what we have to work with. Afterall, did anyone think it unreasonable or make a fuss that your two little kids had to share a room? If step kids want to be treated equal then they have to understand that that not only comes with all the privelledges but also with all the sacrifice that comes with being a family. I love the idea of letting the SD decide whether to have the sunroom or share with her sibling. : )

Sarah - posted on 04/22/2009

well my opinion is no its not unreasonable. When me and my b/f get our own place my SD (who is 10) will share a room with my newborn son due to the fact that we only have her 4 times a year. we only think it is fair b/c my SS is will us full time. But at first i felt like it wasnt fair to ask her to share because she is gettin older and i grew up with 4 older brothers and wanted my privacy at that age. but he was the one that came to this decision. we dont want our children to be treated diffrently

Sharon - posted on 04/22/2009

I don't think there is any reason why your SD cannot share a room with her sister. My SD was 3 when my husband and I got together, I also had an 11 year old son also, she always had her own room with her own things (clothes, toys etc.) well 4 years later I got pregnant and she had no choice but to share a room with my daughter (her sister) My Sd never complained about having to share a room even though she had her own for long, we bought them bunkbeds but when it was time for my daughter to go to a real bed we had to get different beds because my SD was afraid to sleep on the top bunk so we ended up getting a trundle bed, she still has her own stuff that I try not to let my daughter get into-but I also feel if my daughter has to share all her things the my Sd should also share (with some exceptions) my daughter is 3 and my SD is now 11. Kids will adjust to almost everything and I have never heard her complain. Good luck with your decision.

Di - posted on 04/22/2009

Rebecca, the one thing that is essential in all this is for you and your husband to agree. If he doesn't then your sd will use that to split you apart. Work together to bring about the solution or it will become another problem in itself. Once you both have decided what the solution is then talk to her and let her make some choices about decorating etc. It would be terrible if this caused such resentment in her that you had another battle to live thru. I would bring it up to her in this way. Your two bio kids need to have separate rooms (explain why) so we are gonna have to put bd in your room and it will become the girls room. Once that sinks in, offer her the alternative of using the sunroom and then let her decide. Don't let her dictate, just firmly help her to see that this is the best solution for the family jointly. You might find that when she is asked she may love the idea of having that as her bedroom and starting her own independence, especially when compared to the alternate of having to share. I know when my husband was a kid, his parents had a back bedroom that had access to the backyard and it was the prized room. Good luck, I hope what ever you do works.

Rebecca - posted on 04/22/2009

Quoting Di:

 At 11 she is starting to move into adolescence of which privacy will become ultra important. I also know what its like when I am visiting and staying over at someone else's place, sometimes I just want to go off into a room on my own and just relax a bit. I don't know what the answer is.

 

When I think about it, maybe the best solution for your family is to designate her room as the one that you cant gain access to the home from. That way the bm cant use seeing her room etc as a means to gain access. You wont be liked but who cares.

Yes, the issue of puberty is a touchy one in our household. I have brought it up with DH but he is not in the least interested in knowing about it but I do have in the back of my mind that she is at that age.

As for your comment on BMs access to the sunroom...BRILLIANT! I hadn't thought of that. That would kill 2 birds with 1 stone. SD can take her mother into her room whenever she wants without me having to have BM wandering around my house.

In responce to questions about the sunroom being utilised - yes it can be used as a bedroom. It is plenty big enough for 1 person, totally private from the little kids, BUT can not have internal access. The layout of the house is such that there is a hallway down the middle. On one side is the 3 bedrooms, on the other the dining room then the lounge then the porch which has been converted into the sunroom. So she would not be way on the other side of the house, infact she would be opposite the master bedroom. I think I will bring it up as a very viable option. SD in not used to sharing her things or her space. It will be the 3rd time I have to do up a bedroom for her (DH can't be bothered) but it may well make things easier.

Francesca - posted on 04/22/2009

i can remember sharin a room with my 3 sisters!!so much fun. my bro had a room on his own as he was a baby and the only boy

Alichia - posted on 04/22/2009

In my house rooms are for sleep and storage. It is your house and if the arrangement is workingl, then that is how you should keep it.

I hate to say this, but there are families that have to have 4 kids per room, and somehow kids need to learn that yes they may also have to share their space.

If children learn early how to share their space and be couteous they will have an easier life when it comes to interacting with others. They will also learn the value of how to think of others and not only themself, since they are not the only one sharing the space.

Francesca - posted on 04/22/2009

Quoting Debbie:

Well Fran I guess you are lucky to have that option, not all of us are that fortunate i'm sorry. My SD's slept wherever they could as our circumstances always changed. I have a 4 bedroom home and 8 kids. So finding space is difficult, you have to do the best you can with what you have!!
Rebecca needs to do the best that she can do!!

im sure if i had my own kids personally they would come first as they would be the ones livin there 24/7. but at the mo i dont so thats why i have space. but yes Recbecca needs to find whats best for her and her children.

hope you find what suits all the family x

Sandy - posted on 04/22/2009

Your SD may even find it fun and exciting if you let her help and if she could pick out some colors, etc. Maybe even find that she feels good that you guys would be willing to go to the time and expense for her to continue to have her own room if you let her know that it is the only way for that to happen : )

Sandy - posted on 04/22/2009

Thats why I suggested that the older child get the sunroom, I know we have given our 13 year old the basement room for that exact reason, and we keep the little kids closer so we can tend to them in the night if they need. Would renovating the sunroom so that it has an interior entrance be an option for you guys? : )

Jamie - posted on 04/22/2009

I think she said it wasnt possible to convert the sun room as it is an enclosed front porch. And I know I wouldnt feel comfy with my child at the front of the house away from everything.

Jaime - posted on 04/22/2009

Well said Sandy!

Sandy - posted on 04/22/2009

I would have to agree with all the ladies. It makes no sense to accomodate someone is only there a few nights a month while putting everyone else on the back burner. The smaller kids deserve to have their comfy, homey places as well. What I would do is approach the hubby about redoing the sun room for your SD and give the already existing bedrooms to the smaller children. They are there full time and need to feel safe, secure and settled in their own home. Having a room for SD of her own is a very nice gesture but is simply unneccessary. I would have her share with BD until the sunroom could be converted. : )

Jaime - posted on 04/22/2009

Sorry Rebecca, if things got off topic!
I think whatever decision you make will be the right one. If switching rooms works
For your sleeping arrangement. Having a different/ shared bedroom is not going to
scar or physically hurt your sd Yes she maybe upset, but she will get over it. I can tell you one thing, I would not put my girls out of there bedrooms so my ss could have his own room for a one night sleepover like maybe twice a year. If regular visits start coming yes I would change either our playroom or office to accomidate a seperate bedroom. Toys and clothes would be another option. We have plently of both boy and girls toys and games, plus anything he has been bought while visiting always has been sent home along with any new clothing he may need while visiting.
Ultimately chooses what is right for your children in your home all the time, this is there home everyday. I am sure I will get flack for my post, I am not saying treat your as differently, just use your judgement! Although others don't think all my children are treated equally but they are in my house when all the kids are together so anything they have to say is all hear say, straight from a little persons mouth!

Heidi - posted on 04/22/2009

You are right Fran kids should have a proper bed. I know if the need arises my son has a seperate bedroom at my inlaws house for sleep overs. So yes some grandparents have the room for there grandchildren to have there own room to sleep in when they go for overnight visits. Just like when my one son was younger and he spent a few weekends with my parents he had his own room. Not everyone has that option, but if the option is there for opposite sexed childrent to have there own rooms they should even if its only for a few nights once in a blue moon. All the children should feel equal and feel like they are part of the family. They should have some things they can call there own even if the visits are not on a regular basis. Esspecially if the children are of the opposite sex. Girls have girlie things and boys have boyish things. Sure at a young age some kids will play with either, but when they get to a certain age they want to play with stuff and do stuff that is meant for them.

So Rebecca all you can do is what is best for your family situation, because every household is different.

Debbie - posted on 04/22/2009

Well Fran I guess you are lucky to have that option, not all of us are that fortunate i'm sorry. My SD's slept wherever they could as our circumstances always changed. I have a 4 bedroom home and 8 kids. So finding space is difficult, you have to do the best you can with what you have!!

Rebecca needs to do the best that she can do!!

Francesca - posted on 04/22/2009

lately we've hardly had my ss's stay the night as biomum is bein a nightmare. but we have there room made up for them, their own clothes and toys. proper beds. i think they should feel like there part of the family.

Jaime - posted on 04/22/2009

When you go away, say to a hotel room would you get 2 seperate rooms for privacy??
When my ss starts visiting on a regular schedule, we could definately look into seperate
sleeping arrangements. We are fortunate to have the space to make a 5th bedroom. But for now with visits being very far and few, all visits are treated as a holiday. We don't even get summer vacation, I can count on my hand how many times my ss spent the night at our house. You could also compare it to visiting say a grandparents house. Do you expect them to have extra space so the kids all have privacy??

Heidi - posted on 04/22/2009

You are right every state is different and I live in Ontario Canada where the law states that children of the opposite sex after the age of 7 are to have seperate sleeping areas. Not that they have to have there own bedroom to themselves but a bedroom that can be just for them while they are visiting. Most people don't have the space to have a seperate room for all there children when they are blended families, but for one of the bio children to give up there room for a few days shouldn't be such a big deal. Let the siblings of the same sex share a room and let the opposite sex child have space to himself or herself which ever the case may be.

Shannon - posted on 04/22/2009

Quoting Heidi:

My opinion is that when it comes to the opposite sex they should(and by law) have seperate rooms(or sleeping area) when they are 7. They need there privacy and a space where they can go to be byt hemselves when they want to. Everyone needs some time to themselves no matter what the age is. So for 2 girls to share a room is not a big deal. I know the sd will not an issue with it, but in time she will come to understand and when she is older then maybe she can have a room to herself again. Just as long as you both let her know that she is not being punished, its just something that will make sleep time easier for the time being I am sure she will understand.
I know when my son goes to visit his dad they don't have a room for him and he has to sleep with one of his sisters and he doesn't really like it. He also doesn't have toys there, since his father only has daughters. There have been times in the past where he has brought things from home and they got lost or he forgets to bring them home, so now he doesn't bring anything other then clothes and a toothbrush. He feels he has no privacy and no where to go when he wants to be left alone. He is now 10 and is starting puberty so of course he will want some time to himself. So needless to say the visit are very few and many months go by before he goes to visit again.
I have a stepson that has always had his own room. Even when he lived with us half the time and his mom half the time, but 6 years ago his mom decided it would be best for her son to stay with us and only visit her on weekends. So now that he is 18 things haven't changed with his living arrangements, other then the fact that his mom has nothing to do with him anymore. Which I think is really sad because I don't think any parent should abandon there child no matter how old they are.

I actuall called DCYF here in my state. My son is 7 and my SD is 10. They said that there is no law stating they need to have seperate bedrooms. My SD does not live with us full time. She is here everyother weekend and during school vacations. The person I spoke too said that as long as they have privacy when they need it, it doesnt matter.

But some states are different. I would call and find out what the rules are for your state.

Heidi - posted on 04/22/2009

My opinion is that when it comes to the opposite sex they should(and by law) have seperate rooms(or sleeping area) when they are 7. They need there privacy and a space where they can go to be byt hemselves when they want to. Everyone needs some time to themselves no matter what the age is. So for 2 girls to share a room is not a big deal. I know the sd will not an issue with it, but in time she will come to understand and when she is older then maybe she can have a room to herself again. Just as long as you both let her know that she is not being punished, its just something that will make sleep time easier for the time being I am sure she will understand.

I know when my son goes to visit his dad they don't have a room for him and he has to sleep with one of his sisters and he doesn't really like it. He also doesn't have toys there, since his father only has daughters. There have been times in the past where he has brought things from home and they got lost or he forgets to bring them home, so now he doesn't bring anything other then clothes and a toothbrush. He feels he has no privacy and no where to go when he wants to be left alone. He is now 10 and is starting puberty so of course he will want some time to himself. So needless to say the visit are very few and many months go by before he goes to visit again.

I have a stepson that has always had his own room. Even when he lived with us half the time and his mom half the time, but 6 years ago his mom decided it would be best for her son to stay with us and only visit her on weekends. So now that he is 18 things haven't changed with his living arrangements, other then the fact that his mom has nothing to do with him anymore. Which I think is really sad because I don't think any parent should abandon there child no matter how old they are.

Francesca - posted on 04/22/2009

i think same sexs should share a room. i dont agree with swapin rooms when sd comes to stay. its not fair on your children. no1 wants to share a room with a 2 yr old but when she only sleeps over 6 times a month i think it is ok.

I only have ss's, we have a 3 bedroom house. they share a room while the spare room will hopefully be baby room soon.

Di - posted on 04/21/2009

Hi Rebecca. Its a hard situation. Your first concern should be your kids and your health. If you are getting up through the night constantly then I would split the kids up and utilise your 3 bedrooms. But....everything I read tells me that step kids need their own space and privacy and I personally believe that they should have a room in which no one else can come into for storing their belongings as well as giving them total privacy. At 11 she is starting to move into adolescence of which privacy will become ultra important. I also know what its like when I am visiting and staying over at someone else's place, sometimes I just want to go off into a room on my own and just relax a bit. I don't know what the answer is. I know my sd's when they come choose to, even though they have a room and beds, sleep on the lounge so that they can watch the tv all night. Maybe you can utilise the sun room for her to store her belongings and to become her space but she still sleep in the 'girls' room but with the option of the couch for a special tv on all night treat whilst she is with you. My darling husband didn't like that I classed our girls room as the designated guest room either but he got used to it. Its all about adapting to suit your own needs and its not about putting any ONE person over the rest, it's about doing what is best for most of ALL members of the family. Sure it will never please everyone no matter what you do. When I think about it, maybe the best solution for your family is to designate her room as the one that you cant gain access to the home from. That way the bm cant use seeing her room etc as a means to gain access. You wont be liked but who cares.

Rebecca - posted on 04/21/2009

I don't have an issue with the gender thing at this stage as the children are so young. The problem is the waking at night & I can't train BS to put himself back to sleep if we have to keep getting up to him so that hopefully he won't wake BD. BD loves SD & would love to share a room with whoever.

Rebecca - posted on 04/21/2009

Quoting Debbie:

I would get my kids into their own rooms and let SD stay in BD room. You could butter up the idea with the sunroom being done up, for your SD as your daughter will want her own room as she gets older. Is there any chance of building an internal access?

 

No not really as the sunroom is the old front porch, but has been enclosed so only has one original wall of the house attached. Kind of hard to explain.  The only way to give internal access would be to either cut a hole in the main wall of the lounge or remove the current entrance at the end of the hallway & build a new entry way.  Not in the budget!

The sunroom is plenty big enough for a bedroom & there is no way the littlies can get into it without an older person opening the doors for them so it is certainly private.  I just have to find the time somewhere to do it up if that is what SD wants but in the mean time I feel she should be sharing a room so the rest of the family can get some sleep.  DH just doesn't see things the way I do so I thought maybe I needed to rethink things but I can see from the responces that what I think is totally normal & the 'reasonable' thing to do.

Kimi - posted on 04/21/2009

I don't see gender as being an issue but to each their own. I know someone who has her son and daughter sharing a room and they are 4 and 2. It works fine for them. I allways went back and forth with what room I had or who I shared a room with when I was a kid so nothing is set in stone. You should just do what ever works best for the situation your'e in right now. You can change it around again later.

Heidi - posted on 04/21/2009

i say, put both the girls in the one room. boys need to have a different room from the the girls. i have a 3 bedroom house, i have 3 kids that live with us: BS 6, BD 3 ans BD 10 months. both BD's share the big room and BS has a little room all to himself. i also have 3 SD's, when they come to stay all 5 of the girls share the big room together, while BS still has his room. my SD's are 11, 8 and 5. so in the girls room when they come we have an 11yo, 8yo, 5yo 3yo and a 10 month old all in the one room, and they cope fine with it. there is nothing wrong with putting the girls in one room and your boy in another.

Jamie - posted on 04/21/2009

Quoting Kimi:

I think that it is unfair to make an 11 year old share a room with a two year old. Since your son is so young it might be better to put his crib in the SD's room and have him stay in there just untill he stops wakeing durring the night. He won't get into things if all he is doing is sleeping in his crib and you don't have to put all his things in there he won't feel like he's in limbo like your two year old would. That way the two little ones can be separated without your SD having her lil sis getting into her things as that will stir up a bit of sibling rivalry that is so painfull to see. If SD can't get any sleep as a result than you could always put your son in a portacrib out in the living room when she comes to visit. Maybe when your daughter is four or five they should be able to share a room but it is unrealistic to expect a two year old to respect your SD's property. When your SD is at your house she 'lives' there and in my opinion, it shouldn't matter that she's not there all the time, it is still her home.

Why would you move people around constantly when its simpiler to just put the 2 girls together. My stepson has his own toys in a box that has a lid and is on a shelf where my 2 yr old cant reach it. My husband and his bro are 8 yrs apart and shared a room growing up. What happens when they are all in a bed  and the baby is sleeping through the night then what?  I still think same sexes should share rooms. Its still her home, but she may have to share a room, why does she get special treatment, cause as the younger 2 get older thats going to be the question.

Kimi - posted on 04/21/2009

I think that it is unfair to make an 11 year old share a room with a two year old. Since your son is so young it might be better to put his crib in the SD's room and have him stay in there just untill he stops wakeing durring the night. He won't get into things if all he is doing is sleeping in his crib and you don't have to put all his things in there he won't feel like he's in limbo like your two year old would. That way the two little ones can be separated without your SD having her lil sis getting into her things as that will stir up a bit of sibling rivalry that is so painfull to see. If SD can't get any sleep as a result than you could always put your son in a portacrib out in the living room when she comes to visit. Maybe when your daughter is four or five they should be able to share a room but it is unrealistic to expect a two year old to respect your SD's property. When your SD is at your house she 'lives' there and in my opinion, it shouldn't matter that she's not there all the time, it is still her home.

Jamie - posted on 04/21/2009

I dont think that boy and girls should share room. If you have 1 boy and 2 girls the girls should share the room. Plus SD is only there 6 nights a month. My 2yr old son and my 7 yr old SS share a room and my 3 yr old daughter has her own room.

Jaime - posted on 04/21/2009

When my SS visits (not very often) he does share a bedroom with his sisters. Each of my girls have there own bedrooms, but when my SS comes it is like a big sleepover party. There is bunkbeds in the bedroom, so 2 sleep in beds and the others on the floor which they rotate. They all watch a movie together and have fun.

I have been harrassed at this choice, saying it is law they have to have seperate bedrooms after a certain age. When it comes time for bathing and changing they are seperated. My 8 year old certainly doesn't want her brother seeing her change, sometimes Daddy isn't even allowed to be in the same room. As long as they have alittle privacy what is the problem??

Tori - posted on 04/21/2009

I had the same disagreement with my husband.........no i don't think your being unreasonable. Why should the two children that stay there full time have to be crammed in a room together? Doesn't make any sense!

Heather - posted on 04/21/2009

We have 3 that live with us and 2 that visit. I agree, with the others that you should cram the people that spend the most time there into smaller quarters for someone who isn't their most of the time. I believe that your SD needs to learn that this is what being part of a family is about. Sharing! No, I do not believe that you are being unreasonable. The daughter that lives may need to learn, if she doesn't already know, that she shouldn't touch things that aren't hers. We have had that problem between our children, and I'm not saying that we don't still deal with the "She touch my..." or "He took my...." It's going to happen. It's how you deal with it.
We have kind of divided the room up, one section is each of their. I believe that Shannon made this suggestion. It's awesome. They all still have their own individual flair, but they are also learning to dwell together. There are many creative ways to make this work.
Good Luck with this.

Tanya - posted on 04/21/2009

I agree with the other two. I'm sorry but why should they people that live there full time be cramped while one room is only used by someone who is only there 6 times a month. It makes no sense. It's not like you guys are kicking her out she simply has to share a room 6 times a month. It would be a different story if she was there full time or even half the time. The people that live there need to be comfortable.

Debbie - posted on 04/21/2009

I would get my kids into their own rooms and let SD stay in BD room. You could butter up the idea with the sunroom being done up, for your SD as your daughter will want her own room as she gets older. Is there any chance of building an internal access?

Anyway Your kids need to have their own rooms as they live there full time, SD has her own room at her mums so a small room like the sun room should not be a problem. Look after your kids cause they will be there all the time they wont run off when they dont like something.

Shannon - posted on 04/21/2009

I say why not. She in only there a few days/nights a month. Its not going to hurt her to share a room with her sister.

My SD is here everyother weekend and during school vacations. She shares a room with my son (her half brother). I called the state and there is no problem. They have the privacy they need.

Have you thought maybe putting a divider in the girls room that way it seems like they have there own room? We are thinking about doing that. But we live in a 2 bedroom apartment for the moment.

Good luck