Am I really an "EVIL STEP MOTHER"?

Jodee - posted on 11/14/2008 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I have a mother in-law that seems to think that I'm the "Evil Step Mother".

I do what i can to make sure that on the weekends that we have my stepdaughter she gets equal time with both mine and my husbands side of the family. The same for the holidays. My mother in-law thinks that is unfair to her and her family because in her words that is my stepdaughters "real" family. I tried to explain to her now that her son and I are married that both familys are her real family. It has scaled the wall and come to her not allowing me over to her home. I am no longer allowed at family functions on my husbands side of the family including holidays. She has somehow gotten the entire family to feel the same way she does. I have tried to talk to them and thats just not able to happen. They act like they dont even know me in public. They dont answer calls or emails and obviously walk away if i try to say anything.

I'm trying to show that we are a family no matter who approves or disapproves. And that we are a package deal. You cant get one without the rest. Its even gotten to the point that they are trying to exclude my daugher along with me.

I am so confused as to what to do. If you have any advise please throw it all at me! I need all the help i can get.

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[deleted account]

LOL Kristine that's funny, stepmother crash test dummy- that's EXACTLY what it feels like sometimes isn't it?

[deleted account]

I've been a step mom for almost 19 years. My ex-husband got a woman pregnant a week before he met me. We worked through it. Of course, according to his family, I was ruining lives. I was the babies step mom until he was 12. Now I am remarried and have two more step kids. My first step son is still my 'son' and I will always think of him that way, even though his dad and I aren't together (my ex is one of my best friends)
I have been the 'evil step mother' longer than I can remember and if you could learn anything from this crash test dummy: Don't give a shit. Don't care what others think of you because no matter what an awesome you are or as crappy you are, people are going to be the way they are.
I swear, you will eat yourself alive inside and become a ugly person you don't even like if you let it get to you.
Just be happy with your life, your husband, your children, your step children and show them that you are happy no matter what and everything else will fall into place.
Trust me; As the step-mother crash test dummy...I have hit that wall SO MANY TIMES and on a daily basis. I will probably hit it over and over again. I don't care. I love my kids, all of them. That's the ONLY thing I can control.

Jodee - posted on 11/14/2008

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I never thought that I would ever even consider thinking about divorce. I'm just going to do all that I can and see where it gets me. Hopefully thats being involved with my entire family. Even the "evil mother-in-law". :-)

Alyssa - posted on 11/14/2008

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Then you have to make some tough decisions. I'm not a big proponent of divorce, but that's just me. You have to decide what's the best & appropriate course of action. But to make sure you don't do something you regret, then I encourage you to speak candidly, openly & honestly with DH. He needs to know how serious this issue has become...& it's serious.

Jodee - posted on 11/14/2008

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What if he doesnt stand up with me and falls into his mother? To be honest i've been lookin up divorce info. Things have been bad for 2 years now and getting worse and i dont know how much i can take. But i dont really want to divorce him because i love him but i cant handle his mother. Im I going too extreem in thinking of divorce?

Alyssa - posted on 11/14/2008

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Only when your DH believes he's doing the right thing is he going to feel ok about it. It's not going to be comfortable for anyone, period. No way around that. But if he believes that he's in the right, then he's going to feel confident & be willing to see it through.

Your MIL is behaving like a spoiled child. When they finally meet resistance & true authority, they'll usually act worse at first...but when they meet consistency with love, they come around & things get better.

And Claire's right...this is not healthy for your children. This is not showing them a loving family or how to deal with conflict. They learn from our examples.

Jodee - posted on 11/14/2008

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My husband will be home in an hour I will definately start talking to him tonight to start getting things situated. Thank you Thank you so much. I am feeling better knowing that it's not just me. Thanks so much girls.

Claire - posted on 11/14/2008

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Your husband needs to understand that it is not good for any of his children to see you being poorly treated. Children who see people being poorly treated often end up either treating others poorly or allowing people to mistreat them. I don't think your husband wants that. If this situation is not address it will not just get better on its own. Your step daughter is already old enough to see what is happening. What kind of example does he want to set for his daughter?

Jodee - posted on 11/14/2008

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Well I do hope that we dont loose all comunication for 3 years but I will talk with my husband and hopefully it will just take this Thanksgiving to realize whats actually happening here. Thanks to both of you for all your advise. I was really starting to go a little crazy stressing about this. To be honest i'm not sure my husband can go through with not going if that happens to be the only option. He will tell me that he wont and he has told me that he isnt going but then other times he says he is. How can i make him feel more confident about making a decision either way?.....Sorry i'm gonna have a lot of questions this has been going on for a while and i've had some time to stress on it :-)

Claire - posted on 11/14/2008

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I have some friends that went through a similar situation. His parents wanted nothing to do with her or her son but wanted him and their son to come to all family functions. They insisted that the step son refer to them as Mr and Mrs .... while the other children called them grandparents. The husband stopped going to family events and basically stopped talking to both his parents and his brother. The rest of the family was told all sorts of horrible things about the wife and how she was destroying their family. For about 3 years there was almost no communication. The extended family tried to intervene and make peace and when they did my friends explained their side and most of them understood. Eventually the grandparents figured out that they were the ones losing out here and have made peace. There is still some tension sometimes but overall the relationship is pretty good. It was very hard for them and their marriage but they stood together and have come out the other side intact. You might have to be prepared to walk away completely and hope they come around. You should not be put in the position where you start to believe the crap being said about you. You are not stopping your husband for going, his parents are by not welcoming his ENTIRE family.

Alyssa - posted on 11/14/2008

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Don't force DH not to go. Do not place yourself as a wedge b/t him & his family. You need to make sure he knows how you feel, tho. That includes letting him know you don't think it's appropriate for him to go without you. The 2 of you are now immediate family...his mom & the rest are all extended family now. Priorities change, & he's got to be willing to adjust if the marriage is going to be preserved & last. And if SD doesn't want to go without you, that's some pretty important info there. Let DH know what she said.

What would his mom do if he called her up & said, 'Mom, you don't like my wife, the woman I love & have committed the rest of my life to. You make her feel unwelcome, & now you don't want her to attend our family gatherings. I can't reconcile myself with this. I love you both, but my commitment is to her. So SD & I aren't coming either. If you change your mind about Jodee, then we can talk about this again.'

It's called cajones. My DH has had his own struggles with this, but he's his parents' only living child...so there's extra pressure there. Even still, he's drawn boundaries without me ever having to say anything. I think your DH may need to do some evaluating of his priorities. Jmho.

Jodee - posted on 11/14/2008

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Is it wrong of me to make sure none of us go? In the past when i have gone i know they all hate me and i try to be as friendly as i can and talk to people and it actually plays on my selfesteem more and i would be happy with not going. Is it wrong to tell him not to go? I've already said that my daughter will not be going but i cannot speak for him or my step daughter. (she did tell me that if i dont go she doesnt want to go)

Alyssa - posted on 11/14/2008

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DH is going without you??? Erm, no. You need to go. If MIL uninvited you, than she uninvited all of you. You're the one who originally posted that you're all a package deal. And if she told you not to come, but hasn't informed anyone else of this, then she's setting you up. GO. Be with your family...your DH & your SD & your DD. Plain & simple. Your MIL is trying to play you & DH, & right now, you're letting her.

Jodee - posted on 11/14/2008

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Well to my face my husband seems to stick up for me and he has tried to talk to the fam but they have pushed him away as well. Like the other day he had his mother watch our daughter. I found out when i got home and i was upset and i dont want her to think that i want to take her grandchildren away from her but i feel if i'm not allowed over there then no part of me is allowed and that means my daughter. I think honestly my husband is to scared to stand up to his mother. I am aftaid of how this situation is going to end up. This will be the first holiday that i'm not allowd. If he goes then he can try to explain why i'm not there instead of his mom making up whatever she wants to. But then its like she wins cause i'm not there but he is. Then if he doesnt go she will say its another way of me keeping him from the family. Thats not true but thats what the rest of the fam believes because they wont talk to me. My (step) daughter doesnt even want to go over because she is speaking badly of me. I think i'm in a loosing situation and i cant fix it.

Claire - posted on 11/14/2008

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You need to talk to your husband. What does he say about all this? If you are not welcome at his mother's home then I don't think he should go either. You need to get his support. He needs to speak to his family to try and get this sorted out. I am not suggesting you make him choose but he needs stand by you If he is agreeing with his family then you need to take a closer look at either your behavior or your husband

Alyssa - posted on 11/14/2008

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Oi! Wow, I'd say you have an evil mother-in-law! She obviously feels threatened by you & doesn't like the changes that have taken place since you & DH got married. That's her problem, & I'm sorry to say, there's not much you can do about it. How does DH respond to all this? What does he have to say about it?

IMHO, the appropriate response to your MIL's extremely childish behavior is for DH to take a stand & move you out of the line-of-fire. MIL doesn't want you to come over? Fine, DH tells her that he's not attending without his wife. DH needs to set the standard that his relationship with you is no.1. But he has to agree with this & be willing to do it. She sounds like a manipulator, & no doubt she'd try to say you were keeping DH from spending time with her. He has to be willing to stand up to her on his own. But, like I said, it's just my opinion.

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