Anybody with Step-Kids and a new baby?

Amber - posted on 07/09/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I see now that I wasn't ready. I think I let this pregnancy happen because I felt left out. Now I feel like we put our whole little unit in danger. I love the boys (my step-sons) very much. They're 6 & 7, so I don't have the "you're not my mom" drama. I feel like they're mine. I just didn't give birth to them.

So now I'm a bit freaked out. I'm doing this thing where when people ask about the baby I have to bring up the boys. I don't want to be a sucky bio-mom because I'm scared to miss something with the boys. I don't want to turn into a sucky step-mom because I'm wrapped up in the tiny baby.

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Megan - posted on 07/09/2009

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You will do no such thing if your love for the boys is as strong as you mention it to be! I am a step mom to a 6 year old boy and mom to a 2 year old and 10 month old girls. At first, the boys will probably be jealous like ANY sibling is because its not all focused on them. I did my best to make sure my step son was just as involved as possible and we also had our own outings with him and his dad and just him. As long as they feel like they are still part of the family there should not be any issues.



I always said to my step son now that your the big kid of the family, we need your help and the older he has gotten the more I have him help out around the house and with his sisters. Everything will be great and they should be excited to have a new addition. Just keep the reassurance that you love them all the same no matter where they have come from! I always tell my step son Im your mom, I just wasnt lucky enough to give birth to you thats something special your mom and you will always have but we have other things that are special to just you and me.

Betty - posted on 07/09/2009

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I think it's normal to feel this way. Soon as yo have the baby I'm sure you will find it's alot more simple than you think. Many mothers feel this anxiety with their second baby if they aren't step moms. You will have balance. Some days u won't be able to pickup your baby right away and other days you wont be able to read an extra book to the boys before bed time but they will also have each other to fill that tiny void your so worried about. The boys will be happy to have the baby and the baby will be happy to have them. True happines calls for true sacrifice.

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Kim - posted on 07/15/2009

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Yep, right here! I have a 16 year old, 2 SK's also ages 6 and 7 and a new baby girl 7 months. And yeah, I'm overwhelmed sometimes, not gonna lie. Doesn't mean I love them less or give them less attention now that the baby is here. You won't be a sucky step mom, the fact that you are even worried about it, speaks volumes. Will having a new baby take up a lot of your time? Sure will!!! But, trust me, the boys will love helping out. My SK's fight over who gets to hold her or feed her or even take out the poopie diapers! LOL. They like helping pick out what she is going to wear. They understood more than I gave them credit for that the baby needs special attention and you will be up almost all night and baby just gets things immediately when he/she needs them. They were totally okay. Just enjoy your pregnancy. Relish in it, I gather it's your first? You will regret later if you don't cherish the moments and milestones because you are consumed by guilt that you MAYBE MIGHT neglect your other kids. Take it from me, I kind of did that to myself. My pregnancy was a surprise, I was barely a new step mom and it took me almost 7 months into my pregnancy to finally be excited and by then I was upset at myself for not enjoying every moment because she will be my last baby. You'll be okay girl. Hang in there! (The horromones are going to kick your ass so stop doing it with your guilt LOL)

Renee - posted on 07/15/2009

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There are so many issues that as step parents we deal with on a daily basis and these range of issues expand when a new child is introduced. I personally had a lot of hatred and resentment towards the ex for abandoning her son 1. cause of the effect it would have/did have on him and 2. for selfish reasons - for the fact that she was doing this to ME at a special time in my life. Ultimately i knew that it was the right thing to do for my SS however i struggled with guilt for feeling sad that I was going to miss out on that first baby experience. It is also hard to deal with the fact that my husband had done all the 1st baby stuff before!
My SS was 3 when he came to us with a range of issues steming from his mum leaving - he didnt see her for almost a year in full. I could go on and on about that woman and what she has done to my beautiful SS but at the end of the day we knew that by being with us he was going to get the love and support he needed.
We included him in everything - appointment / ultrasounds and talked about the baby - his baby brother all the time. As a result of that i believe that my SS adjusted to his baby brother fantastically it also allowed me to bond with him more.
My initial feelings of anger and hurt about the situation I believe are normal for the situation but as time goes on seem to lesson. I may have missed out on the 1st child experience but i have been given the opportunity to love and cherish two boys. It is hard at times but the benefit he is receiving by being here makes it all worth while. That and that fact that he now calls me MUM!

Tanya - posted on 07/15/2009

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I have one step child and a 2 month old of my own. Been with my partner for 4 years.

Javana - posted on 07/15/2009

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remember that you are a parent ! your birth child will always be first, even if he or she is the baby, I have two step kids , I don't call them step because , I feel as if they are mines you have a greater age factor going for you with the step kids I did not my daughter is 15 now and came into my life at 8yrs. old we have not been at war so far lol my son is 11 now ,came into my life at 5yrs. old it is a battleship for me because he is a mom boy! and my birth son is 6yrs old and is my heart and soul and is my number #1 my other kids get the world from me but they are not mines and I am told this on a day to day bases from their mom so , I do what I can and keep it moving ,so enjoy your gift from God! and all will fall in place.

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these thoughts are normal! Every step-mom worries about what her SK's will think when she has kids with their dad. I know my daughter was very worried when we had our middle daughter. And then she had the same concerns when we had our latest last Feb. I sat down with her before our middle one was born and explained that yes, I will not be able to spend as much time with her as before because I do have the baby, but I still love her the same as I did before the baby and I always will.

Maddy - posted on 07/10/2009

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i have a 6year old sd, and though i love her to bits, i found during my pregnancy and the first few months i became really resentful, not of her, but of the position she held in our lives. She's daddy's little angel and always got whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. this was made worse by thr fact we saw her very little so she was always spoilt rotten. at Bm's she has no rules or expectations, so although she's a nice girl, she has no boundries and resists rules. i was so excited during pregnancy, but my partner wasn't, he's done it all before. when my daughter was born she was given plenty of presents, but SD was too, by her dad, so as not to feel left out. not a bad idea, however it was 5 days after xmas, and she got a huge amount, and whenever a freind came over with a present for the baby, she's demand "where's mine?" despite having had the process explained to her. of course daddy would take her to the shops and buy her something. we've settled down now, we now have 50% custody (at my insistence) i feel with our influence over SD she's become a much nicer, more thoughtful girl. and she follows rules now!!!!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 07/10/2009

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Honestly, I think it's okay to get a little wrapped up in your baby. Most older siblings are jealous for a while, but they get over it and it gets easier. I felt kinda the same when I was pregnant. That was my first and according to the hubby, my last pregnancy and if I can give any advice it would be to soak in every moment of the experience. After all. It's YOUR first time. If it's like you say, you love you step sons and you will naturally treat them well during this time. Just relax and don't think about it too much. It will come naturally to you.

Amanda - posted on 07/09/2009

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My husband and I had only been together about 8 months when we found out we were expecting our son. He and I had a pretty whirlwind romance as is and were buying our first home just 5 months into the relationship because we were that crazy for each other. We have primary custody of his two children and bm doesn't see them at all so they really are like my children. I, too, think we had a child together WAY too soon, but it happened. My sk's handled it great, they were 2 and 4 at the time. I'm mommy to them so they just think of him as a brother and they love him dearly.



It is hard though because no matter how bad you want to avoid it you do miss out on some of those special things about having your first child because you have these other bonus children. I would never want to be without them, but it's very hard sometimes. What I had the most trouble dealing with during my pregnancy and after was that it was my first and I was so excited about every little thing and my husband wasn't really excited to the level I was because he had already done all that, twice. Also I want to be able to dote on my son and give him the individual attention he deserves, but I cannot and will not allow my other two to be left out. It's a hard balance to find.



But in the end I love every bit of being a mommy even if I'm not the bio mom and I want what is best for all my children, even if it means I dont get all the first time mommy moments I missed out on. I try really hard everyday to make sure the kids all feel equal. I let them help out as much as they want with their little brother (and soon to come little sister). They really enjoy having him around. I also try once or twice a month to have a special mommy and me day for each one individually. It really helps them feel important. Other than that I can only wish you luck! The role of step mom is hard no matter what the situation, just try to relax and enjoy it as best you can! =)

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