Anyone Else a BM and SM here? Are We Welcome?

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

70

10

9

I'm slightly frustrated w/feeling I'm the only mom here that has bio-kids (4) & step-kids(2), but no children with my spouse. Seems like many posts are from moms dealing w/BMs and shared children only.



Due to delivery complications I cannot have more children. It breaks my heart we cannot have "our" baby, but I love & appreciate the children we do have and not dwell on what I don't have.



I know what it's like to be the BM and the SM. I have no problems w/my ex's wives/SOs because they are good to my children. My kids are harder on her than I am; we have many discussions about how hard it is to be in her position (not to mention her being w/their father!).



Now my spouse's ex is another story. That woman is Looney Tunes, an admitted self-mutilator (a cutter), control freak - you name it - she's all that specialness rolled into one.



Just curious.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Laurie - posted on 01/01/2010

7

23

0

I feel like I am coming in late here...but I had to add my 2 cents! I am a BM and a SM twice over! I have three bios, 2 steps that I raised from my 2nd marriage, and four steps from my current marriage. Yep, that's NINE total! And the ages are 26, 25, 24, 24, 23, 23, 22, 20, 20! No twins, just happened that way... My current hubby was my senior prom date 28 years ago, we even got engaged that night, but I went off to college & decided the grass was greener. We married other people and spent the next 25 years pretty much miserable in those marriages. He tracked me down on MySpace after his finally ended, and spent 3 months convincing me to meet him face to face. Six months later, we got married (something I'd promised myself would NEVER happen again)! That was 2 1/2 years ago. All but one of the kids are out on their own. His 22-yr-old son is living w/us. We also have five beautiful grandchildren!
As for the exes, his is a certifiable mess. She still texts my hubby on his birthday & holidays (what's up with that?). His son that lives w/us doesn't want anything to do with her & calls me "Mom". My kids' father & I have been divorced for 20 years, so we've learned how to coexist. I usually communicate thru the kids, if possible. My 2nd ex has been cut off by his kids, and I had to sneak out of the state I was living in to escape his stalking/abuse. His kids consider me their only parent. My hubby includes them in our brood.
My philosophy when I first became a stepparent 20 years ago was that there was no "yours" or "mine". I was a Mom because I had a great Mom as an example. My folks accepted all strays when I was growing up & in college, and that continued with my steps & my brother's steps. My home was always the place to be after school and on weekends. I still run into my kids' friends who remember fondly times spent at our house, overnight stays, trips to the farm, fresh baked cookies, birthday parties. I think the best gift you can give a stepchild is a normal life, a schedule, making sure their parent (& you if it doesn't cause a scene w/the ex) makes it to their school functions if possible. Maybe I'm too much of a "Dorothy" because I'm from Kansas but I think it's possible no matter where you're from, city or rural. Instead of spending a lot of money, spend your time on the kid.
Okay, I'll step off my soapbox. Thanks for listening!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

27 Comments

View replies by

Lillian - posted on 01/18/2010

23

18

2

Nope, you're not alone. I have 2 children of my own & 1 step-daughter, and no children with my spouse. I also am unable to have any children due to medical problems with my spouse and it is heart-breaking at times.

I know how it is to be the BM and SM. I have issues with my husband's ex, but just try to bite my tongue and carry on. Which is hard when she does drugs, allows random strangers to pick up my step-daughter from school. She couldn't get her to school on time, when she lived with her, and they lived 3 mins from the school. I could go on, but I won't. My youngest daughter's father, I have such a great friendship with it's unreal. Then my oldest daughter's dad, is bipolar, an alcoholic, drug addict, Looney Tune all in one.

I pretty much have it coming from all directions. lol. We have a crazy life, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Sarah - posted on 01/18/2010

8

21

0

I dont have any children with my boyfriend...i have 3 of my own and he has 3 of his own...all out kids get along great and for the past 3 years life has been great{thats how long we've been together}...my only prob is his ex doesnt exactly follow the visitation schedule they both agreed on and my plans seem to always get screwed up. I make alot of effort to blend our familys and try to do fun family activities, but get frustrated when he allows his ex to do what she wants with the visitation.Sorry, started venting, my bad!

Karie - posted on 01/18/2010

3

14

0

I know what you mean..I have 3 biological all girls ages 11,10,and 8 my husband has 4 (the oldest 23 is a adult that lives across country -little contact) and 3 that live with us 17girl 13girl 12boy and none together. It doesnt make you any less of a parent - in fact i think it takes more to be a step parent and dealing with the sometimes "special" other parent (i can really relate!) and you and i along with anyother parent are more then welcome here after all whether it be biological or step we are ALL PARENTS! welcome to the club friend!

Helena - posted on 01/18/2010

14

17

2

I have 1 son from my first marriage and so does he and we have 3 boys together.

[deleted account]

Of course your welcome here fact of the matter is as much as we all go on about our husbands ex's being a pain we would love it if they were sensible and put the kids first instead of trying to make everyone miserable. We'd all love to have an BM like you who gets along and puts the kids first. Big welcome to you and looking forward to seeing you around.

Crystal - posted on 01/18/2010

4

19

0

It's not easy living in a blended family. So many different attitudes and ways of doing things. It's a wonder any of us come out alive sometimes. I truly fear when the kids are older ... weddings, babies etc. I have it hard now dealing with my kids BM & SM when it comes to holidays, school functions, vacations and dating. Anyone else dealing with blended families of teens?

Krystel - posted on 01/16/2010

33

24

5

im with u on this one. i have a daughter13 and a sd 13, but dont have a child with my hubby. but of course the bm has gave me nothing but bs sence ive been with my hubby!

Crystal - posted on 01/16/2010

4

19

0

I know what you are feeling. I am both a BM and SM. My DH's ex is not my favorite person but tolerable however ... my ex's new wife is a total horror. I just do my best to put myself in their shoes (since realistically I am) and do what is best for the kids involved.

Michelle - posted on 01/16/2010

1

8

0

You are not alone. My husband and I do not have any children together. I have 2 (G -13, B- 8) and my husband has 2 boys 6 & 9. I cannot have anymore children and my husband and I decided early on that we didn't want anymore, we were content with the 4 we have.
My daughter's new "bonus" mom, (we don't like step) is amazing! My "bonus" sons mom is nice and I don't take any issue, I have actually had some nice conversations with her. My son's dad passed away 7 years ago.
We all have our moments from time to time and don't see eye to eye on all things, but I think its important to at the very least be civil with each other.
My daughter's dad is a great guy, and we have been great friends for 14 years. I am lucky that I have the chance to be friends with him and his wonderful wife. They have a baby together now and she is considered as much a part of our family as she is her own family.
It takes a village to raise a child.

T - posted on 01/03/2010

62

5

2

Hail from Michigan; I, too, have bio children (3, ages 19, 27, 28) and step children (17 and 21) and no shared children with my ex (thank God--but another story). My husband's ex is an extreme depressive personality who insists to the youngest SS that life is too hard, no one will ever understand except her, and depression never gets better so take every escape you can. Ugh. Mutilation is so absurd it stymies me--sounds like an attention getter.

ELizabeth - posted on 01/03/2010

122

15

19

I'm a step mom and mommy to my husband's and mine's beautiful amazing 21 month old daughter. She will be two on march 17th of this year. I'm very excited. We don't get to see his son very much who's four. His mother does not let him come here to South Carolina to be with us on breaks from school or holidays. So the only way he can see his son to go back to Kansas and stay there and see his son when he is town. ANd when he is there he ONLY sees his son once or twice the whole time he is there and he'll usually be there for just a week! It's terrible and breaks my heart that he can't see his son. Or see his son that much when he goes to Kansas to just see his son. ANd your welcome here Jeniffer.

Anne - posted on 01/01/2010

20

5

1

I've wondered if we were welcome here myself. I have three kids of my own, and my husband has one. I'm very fortunate I suppose, because my husband's ex is very easy to get along with 99.9% of the time. It's an interesting thing for me to see some of the things said about BMs though, as I am reasonably sure that my ex's wife would say many similar things about me. Of course, that whole situation is extremely complicated, as she and I have history from long before she and my ex got together. It's been a nightmare, because they are both very hateful, vindictive people who don't mind hurting my children for their own warped sense of revenge. We've recently concluded a two year custody battle that stemmed from MANY lies the two of them told to try to take my kids. Only after they were proved to be liars many times over did they finally give it up. The accusations ran the gamut from neglect to child abuse to sexual deviancy. Even as recently as this week have I had problems because I sent her a text regarding the fact that the name on the child support check was incorrect, and she threatened to file harassment charges!



I enjoy seeing the different points of view expressed on here, and have the utmost sympathy and respect for the stepmoms out there dealing with some of these issues. I just hope that the steps can see both sides of the issues.

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2009

70

10

9

Thank you, everyone, for the support. This site has helped significantly. In a warped way, it's good to know others deal with some of this stuff too.



No, I'm not here to stalk the BM. The greater distance between us, the better in my opinion. I'd seriously move many states away from her if it didn't mean my husband sacrificing time with his children. BM does't own a computer & tells everyone the Internet is for pedifiles & perverts ~ she's pretty unbalanced.



Thank you again. The advice is greatly appreciated.

Jaime - posted on 04/28/2009

769

35

94

I think you are more than welcome. This is a group for stepmom's! Just as long as you are not here following around one of your BM's for another attack (personal experience).

This is a group to share advice and vent, not harrass other SM's. I say post away!!

[deleted account]

You're definately not alone-my partner and I have 3 daughters between us (1 is mine 2 are his) We've talked about having our own but have decided that our lives are pretty full and complete as it stands now. My daughter has a great step mum and I adore her, the BM of my 2 stpedaughters is another story altogether

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009

309

2

18

My husband and I don't have children together yet. We just got married in December. I have 3 from pervious relationships and he has 1 from a previous relationship. We have decided to wait maybe 5 years to have one of our own, God willing. I feel left out because I don't have a child with him yet but I know that it will happen if God wants it to happen.

Tanya - posted on 04/27/2009

40

12

12

Hi there, I had 2 children when I met my hubby, and he had 4. So we ended up with 5 boys and 1 girl and then we had 1 together (another boy) So we have a his, mine, and ours family. All but one of them live with us. I am fortunate that my husband adopted my 2 and their bio-dad is totally out of the picture...so we only have to deal with my hubbys crazy ex. I'm not sure our marriage would survive if we had to deal with 2 crazy ex's!

Jamie - posted on 04/26/2009

1,488

41

234

I am a BM and SM. Dont see why we wouldnt be allowed here. Most of the time we are the normal SM these stories arent refering too, lol.

Kenna - posted on 04/26/2009

46

9

6

You are not alone, I have three of my own children and my DH to be also has three of his own. We do not have a child together and because six children aged 12 and below is enough we have decieded to stick with just fish and snails between the two of us. LOL My ex is remarried and has another child. He and I get along just fine and I invited his wife to circle of moms. However, my DH to be's EX AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We would just leave that for another blog.

Leslie - posted on 04/26/2009

34

52

0

yes their is a lot of us, Me and my husband don't have any together. But I have 2 boys 11 and 14 he has two girsl 16 and 17 and one boy 15. My ex has one with his current wife and she has 5 with two other fathers. Needless to say my boys have it tough most of the time dealing with eather all older sibling or all younger siblings. I won't get into all the crazy stuff with eather of the ex's. Its a very very long story, and still contuines to this day.

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2009

7

7

1

Hi Jennifer(my name as well).
I am a SM and BM.
I have 2 bio-kids and 4 step-kids.My husband and I have no children together.He had a vasectomy years before we met.

We had talked briefly about trying to get the vasectomy reversed and having a child of our own but decided against it for several reasons.We already have 6 kids,we are both in our 40's,and I have some health issues.

All 6 kids live here with us since my husband's ex passed very suddenly in September.It is tough at times but we were lucky enough to have given the kids all their own rooms.We are not rich by any means but we did divide rooms and make 3 rooms out of our large rec-room.

The kids are 13,14,15,17,21 and 22!!

There are constant money struggles and the odd disagreement that comes with becoming a family of 8!!!But generally I think we do ok.

Natasha - posted on 04/26/2009

85

15

3

Hi Jennifer,

I am a BM and a SM. I have two children from my first marriage, my hubby has one child from his first marriage, and we have one child together - 2 months old baby boy! I am dealing with my ex spouse and my hubby is dealing with his ex, its a crazy situation and a very long story!!! But, I hear ya....It's tough to be a BM and SM and have a child with hubby. We are a very blended family, and we have a lot to deal with when it comes to ex spouses. My SD's BM is a very difficult person. We have been battling her ever since my hubby and I began to date. I was not aloud by her to be around SD when we were dating, however, she let her boyfriend at that time to be around SD regardless of my hubby's opinion. We went to court last March 2008, 5 days after our wedding day, at that time the judge made it very clear to her that she had double standards about this whole thing, and she finally gave me "premission" to be around my SD. Needless to say after that things got really bad, and now BM has completely gone insane and is playing some crazy mind games and using SD as apawn in her vindictive games....

So, no, you are not alone. There are planty of moms on Cirlce of Moms who are in the same position as you are, Jennifer.

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2009

70

10

9

Oops! Didn't mean to imply I want to hear from a bunch of unbalanced BMs, just curious to see if there are any other moms like me.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms