asking my children to clean up after themselves

Tash - posted on 09/09/2010

Like everyone else, i agree - they are not too young to start picking up after themselves. If they are old enough to make a sandwich they are old enough to put their rubbish in the bin, etc.

The big one is to get your husband on board, but your comment was he is siding with the kids and that they don't need to clean up.

When things get left lying around my house I just don't clean it up. If the kids made the mess they can clean it up. Or if they won't do it, leave if for your husband to do. He will soon get the message that it isn't for you too clean up after them. Even make the point of saying to your husband that the kids made the mess and you don't feel that it is your responsibility to clean it up. See how that goes.

Good Luck. It looks as though you have received lots of advice.

Becky - posted on 09/03/2010

I work with 3 and 4 year olds in Head Start one of the things that we work with the children on is what we call "self-help skills" The children are expected to pick up behind themselves, set the table, and clean the table. This teaches children all kinds of valuable skills. First things is that you have to have the father in on creating a plan. Be specific in what it is that you want the children to do and present it to them. Children as young as 2 can pick up their own toys, you just have to be clear when you talk to them. Istead of saying clean up this mess, you say leat's pick up all of the cars, books, legos etc. But just one at a time. If you get the old, well at my mom's house we....Just state calmly that this isn't their mom's house, this is our house and this is how we do things in our house.

Erica - posted on 09/02/2010

No, that is not asking too much. My 9 year stepdaughter is asked to clean but i always have to ask. Otherwise she leaves plates on the table or in the sink, toys in the living room and her room is a mess. I always have to remind her and I'll admit it annoys me sometimes because I think she is old enough to do it without reminders. She soemtimes says how she always cleans at BM's house and stop her in her tracks by saying either she is lying or she either taking advantage of me & her dad; that makes her take those statements back. Just a tip: when we ask to do a chore it is one thing at a time, if we give her a list she may forgot some. I ask her to wash her dishes, keep toys picked up after playing (daily) and at least 2-4 times a week I ask SD to clean her room. Weekly I ask her to help clean the house including garbage,vacuuming and other things. I actually think we are easy are her because she has no real chores since she only lives here 2 months a year. Just keep asking them to do the same things even if you have you have to do it everyday:) Eventually you may find they will be willing to help you without asking; sometimes my SD helps me with laundry or dishes just on a whim and its nice.

good luck

Teri - posted on 08/27/2010

They are absolutely old enough to help out and pick up after themselves! All 4 of my kids are asked to help out. My 13 y/o and 10y/o have regular chores they do everyday, and my 4y/o SD helps out where she can and picks up her room once a week. The only one that doesn't have much responsibility is the 2 y/o, but he can still pick up his toys and put them back in his bedroom!

Laura - posted on 08/26/2010

I have to say I was really happy to read this, I'm doing the very same thing to my 7 year old SD and I was wondering if that was too young, lol. So my answer to you is definitely not!!! 9 and 11?! No there is absolutely no reason to pick up after them, you are not a slave! I support you 100% and your husand needs to jump on the bandwagon with you! (I also have my two year old son scrape his plate, and pick up after himself lol) I think it's great you're encouraging responsibility!

Jamie - posted on 08/10/2010

The answer to your question is ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am a Family Professional working on my Bachelor's in Child Development. I will graduate in December. I have two boys my stepson is 3 and my son is 3. They both have chores that they do everyday (feed the dog & cat, clean their room, help make the bed, etc.). The key is to teach them young.
The things you ask them to do are not beyond their capacities. They just lack the training.

My best advice is to be very consistent with them and they will slowly come around. They are EXTREMELY CAPABLE of cleaning up spills and throwing trach away. Keep at it!! You are not doing anything wrong!!!!!

Sherry - posted on 08/10/2010

Tracie: I agree with you. A description is good. The only issue I have is that after 7 years of living with my stepchildren they still need me to leave a note with very detailed information on what they need to do. They have had the same chores for those 7 years. Description has not changed. I always have to have them go back and re-do things because they do not do it correctly the first time. They what my expectations are and are good at meeting them WHEN there is something in it for them like money or a trip somewhere but do not meet those expectations otherwise. The youngest boy is now 17 and is driving me crazy.

Amye - posted on 08/09/2010

No they are not to little to clean up after them selves.I think making a chore list switch it up would maybe help and not only are they cleaning there room which is there responsability but also helping u out...maybe make it fun for them by baking there favorite cookies and doing a favorite movie and sitting down w/ them and spend some quailty time,this may inturn help your husband out as well to look @ it diffrently to.i have been in your shoes before as a sm and know exactly how you feel..Good Luck hope you can find what works for you and your family!!!

Deborah - posted on 08/08/2010

No they are not too young. I have 3 step kids ages 7, 6,and 4. We have full costody of them. The 2 older ones are resposible for making their beds neatly every morning without help, Folding their own laundry and putting it away neatly without help, and making sure the animals are fed. The youngest gets help with his bed and laundry since he's still learning how to do those. But all three have to pick up their rooms before bed. They each set the table for dinner on rotating nights(yes I help the littlest) They have to make sure their dishes are put in the sink and laundry in the basket. They know if their laundry isn't in the basket it doesn't get washed. They also have to pick up trash and other messes that they made. My husband and I are considered strict by of my kids BM but I call it old fashioned. I want them to be responsible and not dependent on mommy and daddy to pick up their messes. Their BM is a complete slob and I don't want them to turn out like her. They also don't get an allowence because I don't want that to be their only motovation to clean. They live in the house for free so why should I pay them to pick up after themselves. The house is a family unit and it takes the whole family to make it run right. We do have lazy days where no cleaning is done and we just have fun. They get special treats here and their but I dont't want them spoiled. They have to learn nothing is going to get handed to them on a silver platter. I never got an allowence I just got stuff taken away. Get the hubby on board first though because They'll look to him reasurence of the orders your giving them. My husband is fully on board with me and it's nice.

Tracie - posted on 08/08/2010

I don't think they are too young. You just need to have a plan. I have 4 children (1 step daughter). The two oldest only did chores because the other two were too young. They started when they were 11 and 9. I came up with a chore chart and description of what each area should look like when it's done. If you are clear from the beginning and offer support, things should work out. You definitely need to get your husband on board.

Sherry - posted on 08/06/2010

Amen Elizabeth! I agree.

Eliz - posted on 08/06/2010

My son is 20 months old and I hand him a paper towel to clean up his juice when he spills. He will also throw away his trash. He enjoys helping with dishes and laundry. Get those girls off their butts and make them responsible for their own messes. You and your husband need to have a serious conversation and you need to express to him that his girls are not babies anymore and need to be responsible for themselves in an age appropriate way.

Kim - posted on 08/06/2010

Absolutely not! They should be cleaning up after themselves by now and should be proactive in the day-to-day household chores.

Sherry - posted on 08/05/2010

Absolutely not. I think it is reasonable to ask for EVERYONE to take part in helping around the house. My husband is very laid back and compensates for the fact that his ex-wife was a drug addict and the boys did not live such a great life at first. However, his lack of parenting was a strain on our marriage.

Each time I asked the boys - who by the way lived with us and I was helping to support--to clean up after themselves, it was an all out fight. I was ready to get a divorce at some point because I felt like my husband did not support me and he felt I was unreasonable.

I finally sat down and had a VERY frank conversation with my husband and told him I was fed up and did not feel like being walked on anymore. I reminded him that I was paying 1/2 the bills for children that were not mine and that he needed to support me. I also told him I could not take it anymore and suggested counseling or a divorce.

After that conversation, things started to change.

It is not perfect, but at least he supports me when I tell the kids they need to do something.

I think if you do it with a loving attitude then you are not out of line.

Good luck.

Sherry

Jamie - posted on 07/30/2010

No, they are not too young. They need to start learning responsibility now. I don't think you are asking too much. It takes a lot of patience to train them and get them into the habit. However, you need to get your husband to back you up and actually help teach them how to be responsible. My husband and I took a parenting class earlier this year and we were told that we needed to take everything away from them until they do what they are supposed to do. Then, you tell them that they can take as much time as they need, but they will not be doing anything else until they have their responsibilities taken care of. It's been working for us. The only problem is that they don't have the same resposibilities at their BM's, so we have to retrain everytime we get them. Hopefully that will end soon. Good luck!

Stacey - posted on 07/30/2010

My motto as single mom was (my daughter just turned 20!) if you're old enough to mess up, you're old enough to clean up! When my daughter was approximately 2, she would pull toys out of her toy box, and I immediately started teaching her to put them back after she was finished playing. It's not rocket science..it's discipline and teaching. I am now a step-mom to 9 & 11 yr old boys. I've been married to their dad a little over 2 1/2 yrs. They're great kids, but it was and still continues to be a struggle in teaching them to clean up after themselves. It's a process that takes patience, when they obvioulsy haven't been taught to do this consistently. Which is the key...consistency. Your husband needs to be on the same page as you and be supportive...it is not easy being a stepparent! Your step-daughters are definitely old enough to clean up...if they can make sandwich they can handle throwing away the cheese wrapper! :)

Kathy - posted on 07/30/2010

THINGS ARE SO MUCH DIFFERENT THAN WHEN I WAS RAISING MINE BUT ONE THING WILL ALWAYS BE THE SAME IF YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP AND BE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS, THEY NEED TO LEARN AT A YOUNG AGE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THEMSELVES. WHAT WILL THEIR HOUSE LOOK LIKE IF THEY DON'T. I JUST SPENT 2 WEEKS WITH MY SON AND DAUGHTER IN LAW. THEY HAVE 2 GIRLS AGES 11 AND 14 AND NOW THEY JUST HAD A NEW BABY. THEY MAKE THE GIRLS HELP WITH CLEANING THE HOUSE, PICK UP THEIR THINGS, LOAD AND UNLOAD THE DISH WASHER AND VACCUME AND DUST. IT SOUNDS LIKE ALOT BUT IT REALLT ONLY TAKES THEM A VERY SHORT TIME AND THEY DO A GOOD JOB. WHEN THEY ARE DONE THEY ARE ALLOWED TO GO TO A FRIENDS OR SWIMMING OR WATCH TV. THEY ALSO GET A SMALL ALLOWANCE AND THEY HAVE TO PAY FOR FRIVOLOUSE THINGS THEY WANT LIKE A ZOO- ZOO PET AND HOUSE. THEY HAVE DONE THIS SINCE THE GIRLS WERE VERY LITTLE AND IT IS AWESOME. SOMETIMES THEY FUSS ABOUT IT BUT THET GET IT DONE. BUT IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT FOR YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND TO DISCUSE THESE THINGS ALONE WHERE THE KIDS CAN'T LISTEN BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE POWER IS. HOPE I HELPED. BY THE WAY WHEN MINE WERE GROWING UP THEY PICKED UP AFTER THEMSELVES TOO BUT THEY WERE NOT ALLOWED TO BRING THEIR THINGS IN THE LIVING ROOM. IT WAS THEIR BEDROOM OR OUTSIDE. GOOD LUCK ,,,KATHY B.

H.J - posted on 07/30/2010

They definately aren't too young. My SS is 4 and has been cleaning up after himself since he could walk. It depends on hubby's up birnging but you need to get hubby on side and tell him that if they don't do it then he has to that should get him around to your way of thinking. Your house your rules that's what my Stepdad used to say to my sister when she would back chat about cleaning up and not having to at my dad's house. Responsibility never hurt anyone

Rebecca - posted on 07/29/2010

When my kids were old enough to understand that is when they learnt to be responable for helping around the house scraping their plates and putting on sink,empty lunch boxes washing in laundry, Bedrooms clean,feeding animals my step sons even strip their beds they are aged 7 and 10 they love helping .Just try not giving them anything till they start pulling their weight! they will soon learn if they help out they get rewarded, and then it will become a routine thing :)

Jessica - posted on 07/29/2010

They are definitally not too young. I start my kids learning responsibility at 8. I put chores on the board and once a week they have to do them. I have 3 older girls and they each clean 1 room and do one big chore such as sweeping, washing dishes or folding the laundry. They have been doing this for 2 years now and still complain, whine or ignore me or tell me how mean I am. I am beginning to think it is just a kid thing. As for your husband, he needs to back you up I wish I had advice on how to get that accomplished. Good Luck I know how frustrating it can be.

Karen - posted on 07/29/2010

That is not too much at all. My SS is going to be 9 soon and he lives with us. My SD is going to be 7 and she lives with BM. My 9 year old has chores that include sweeping, mopping, cleaning upstairs bathroom, cleaning bedrom, and taking trash out, etc. He has had these chores for a year now. My SD also has chores when she is at our house. She puts clothes away, feeds and waters dogs, helps clean up after meals, etc. By giving children chores to do, it teaches them responsibility and helps them to learn that you have to work for things. I dont want my kids spoiled and not having chores so they can grow up to not keep jobs or to do half ass jobs. Because my kids have chores, I am confident that they will grow up to be hard workers.

Crystal - posted on 07/29/2010

My 2 year old is able to do the simple tasks you ask like throwing away her trash, cleaning her room, and putting dirty clothes in her hamper. My 7 year old SS also cleans his room and makes his bed when asked (although you have to remind him several times) and throws away his own trash after snacks and puts his dirty dishes in the sink. He is not so good about getting his dirty clothes in the hamper, they are strewn across his bedroom and bathroom most of the time. As a result, I told my husband that the only clothes that get washed are the ones in the hamper. If I go into SS room to do laundry and there are only a few articles of clothing in the hamper, then those are the ones I wash and the rest I leave where they are. Twice SS has complained that he doesn't have enough clothes to wear or his favorites are still dirty, but he's starting to learn if he wants them clean, he needs to put them in the appropriate place.

Megan - posted on 07/29/2010

I agree get hubby on board. My boyfriend and I sat down and went through a list of things we thought the girls (twins K&S - 9) could do. Before this summer we had a chore chart for each girl on the fridge. Easy things - make your bed, do dishes, help with cooking, sweep, vacuum, etc - for each chore they received 50 cents. Problem was S would just tell K to do all the chores. S likes to let others take care of her (she can be lazy).

So this summer when they came to stay for us with 6 weeks we decided things needed to be different. We split the house up into 4 rooms (Kitchen, Living Room, Bathroom, Thier Room). Then we sat down and wrote out which chores needed to be done daily and weekly in each room. (We did this as a family) We then told them that they would receive $5 a week as allowance, however they had to do their chores and if things weren't done to DAD's specifications he could take away $ or fun things. Each girl has 2 rooms to work on. So far things have gone well. It has been a challenge to get S to do her chores, but I let him deal with that. It seems to work for us. We also started teaching them how to do their own laundry (all on cold!) after learning that not all that stuff was getting done at BM's house.

After reading posts here - I feel like a tyrant!

Dana - posted on 07/29/2010

Having step kids is a challenge, but it can be so rewarding too. I hope your new family is doing well. If any of my kids or stepkids leave the lights/fans on they have to put a quarter in the " WAPA jar" Water and Power Authority Jar. If they don't clean up after themselves, they have to leave a quarter in the the
"maid tip" jar. The other suggestion I would make is to start planning a family missions trip to a third world country! Blessings to you!

Christine - posted on 07/26/2010

Goodness, not at all! My (step) son is almost five and he is responsible for clearing his place setting any time we eat, and putting his dishes in the sink. He is also responsible for throwing out any and all trash he might have (yogurt lids, napkins, papers, snack wrappers, etc.) At the end of the night, or any time he has to change clothes, he has to put his clothes in his 'ucky clothes hamper.' Same goes for his bath towels. Every night before bed time, he has to pick up his room (not vigorously clean it or anything, but put toys and books away.) He also has to put his shoes in his closet when he comes in the house. He also gets paid 'allowance' for folding towels when I do laundry (my least favourite thing to fold! He makes 25 cents/towel!) and just any other day-to-day chores we might have for him. He actually really loves helping out! Usually he'll clear the whole table without being asked after a meal, or will make his bed or pick up the rest of the house just to be 'a helpful kid.'

Definitely get DH on board! Even if he thinks they're too young to do household chores (which, really, I don't think they are!) having them clean up after themselves is ABSOLUTELY reasonable! It teaches them responsibility and is also a good habit to set for when they are grown and have their own homes to keep. But, that's just my opinion. Keep us updated!

Holly - posted on 07/24/2010

I don't think they are too young at all! Even my 2 year-old knows to clean up her own messes!

I agree iwth Christine on how to go about it as well. The number one thing is to get your hubby's support. I know it may be hard, but maybe you could have him talk to someone (a counselor, a friend, anyone) who can tell him that the girls need to take on responsibility, especially for cleaning their own messes!

Betty - posted on 07/24/2010

My SD is 5 and we have been making her pick up after herself for over a year now. Just the other day she put the dress she had on straight into the hamper without even being told to. Most of the time I just clean up after her but we have her clean up behind herself regularly and hope that one day she will be able to keep her room and play areas cleaned up without being nagged. SD is young so we can take baby steps but your kids need a wake up call if they think you are being MEAN for telling them to clean up THEIR messes. Maybe you should devote one day to making them follow you around and clean up after you to see if it then makes them feel like they are being mean for expecting you to clean up after yourself the next day.
If you can't get your husband to back you up than anything you do is pointless and you should just make him clean up after them.

Tara Lee - posted on 07/24/2010

I totally agree with Christine. Get hubby on board first. Then make a schedule. Also, when making the schedule 1. sit down with hubby and make a list of things you both think should be on it, then, 2. all of you sit down together and make the schedule, involve them(SDs) in the process of making it and in the consequences of breaking it. Get there input and suggestions, you might be surprised at the results.
Good Luck! Hope it works out for you.

Christine - posted on 07/23/2010

No they aren't too young...I started teaching my daughter to clean up after her self when she was little and then as she grew up I added new things (like cleaning her room once a week, bringing her laundry to the laundry room etc.). My first advice is to get your husband to back up. They need to know you are not making an unreasonable request. That's the first and biggest thing I think, I told my husband we always need to be a united front.
We set up chores and made them optional; but we also gave them dollar amounts. If she wants an allowence she should work for it. Also if she doesn't clean up after herself we start taking away privledges like talking on the phone or having friends over. You just need to figure out what motivates them and try to use it to get them cleaning up after themselves...

Good Luck.