Baby Mama Drama....How to deal with it?

Lisa - posted on 02/04/2009

oops... when they split...

Lisa - posted on 02/04/2009

in response to Joanne's question about getting pics from baby's mama... I've been asking my husband's ex for pics for my stepson for 14 yrs now.  Same thing... shen they split she took all the baby pics, etc. & he had none.  The only pics we have are what we have taken through the years on his visits to our house... or pics that we have made copies of from his mom's photo album... maybe ck w/his mom & see if she has any pics of  your stepdaughter from when she was a baby... she just might & would prolly be more willing to share.  I have pretty much given up on getting any baby pics from biomom.  My stepson will be graduating from high school this May & I've been trying to at least get some pics from her so that I can make a "My Life" photo album to give him at graduation... the response is always the same... when I have time... but you never hear anymore about it.  Her mom (my husband's ex mom inlaw) has actually agreed to go through her pics & see what she can find, but that was before Tday & still have seen/heard any signs of pics.  My luck to you on getting those pics I think some how it makes the biomom feel that they have "the power" LOL!

Joanne - posted on 01/30/2009

if it sounds funny sorry.. just annoyed...

Joanne - posted on 01/30/2009

sorry i meant WHEN Baby mama moved out

Joanne - posted on 01/30/2009

ok so.. We baby mama moved out of baby daddy's house she took all the pictures and didn't leave him with anything. We have pictures of my SD up around the house but it's pics that we took. Mind you I have been in my daughter's life since she was 2. So I only have pictures that we took from then until now. Well my daughter had a time line project to do and it was about her life. My SD started to ask questions on howcome we don't have any baby pictures of her. Well I had asked baby mama a couple of years ago for some pictures. At first she was said sure and that she would give me some. Well time has passed and she still hasn't. When I ask for them again she said that I said I don't need them anymore. It's annoying because my SD knows how her mother is and asks all kinds of questions. Seeing her face when we explain things to her hurts because no child should go through that. UGHH... If she only knew how much she is hurting her child.

Krystal - posted on 01/26/2009

Joanne, My sd actually goes to a behaviual therorpist bc she acts up soo badly at her moms house, but bio mom wont tell the doctor that she comes to our house, and up to 2 weeks ago, she has been an angel all the time, but yes recently she has been acting up at the hand of her mother but she does acknowlege it an apologize.....i wish i could tell th bio mom how she is at my house lol....it would stir the pot soooo much though....lol

She denies the whole jealousy thing....lol....but why would she admit it though right,...lol

the first time i meet her i wasnt with my bf, and she was talking about how she was trying to break up him n his gf at the time, and how he always went to her for advice an how she could see herself with him....lol....but now she doesnt want him....ya right eh but little did she know he had already broke up with the gf at that time and was confiding with me, a high school friend...lol whoops things went a lil for eh...lol....ahhh well he is know the love of my life and i have to learn todeal with the baggage right?....the biomom is what i meant by baggage my sd daughter would be a blessing...

Erin - posted on 01/26/2009

Honey, first of all the only reason shes insulting you is becasue of jelousy. Actually it sounds like everything she has done is becasue of jelousy. Just tell your SD hat it is not very nice the way her mommy talks about you, please keep things that are not nice to herself. Its sad but when your SD grows up she will know the truth. good luck!

Joanne - posted on 01/26/2009

well that kicking and not listening could just be a taste of her biomom's own medicine. Hate to say it but what comes around goes around.. Just let the biomom talk her mess. I know I should listen to what I preach but sometimes it is hard cause we are caught in the situation. The thing you guys can say is well she knows how to calm herself down here at our house and then apologizes for what she did. hehe.. Wait that may be wrong too.. lol.. Cause it's like you will throwing in her face how disciplined she is at your house. hehe

Krystal - posted on 01/26/2009

oh no do you think the mom is just saying that to him now bc she wants my bf to get upset with me.....(even though the biomom has called him way before he confronted her about the mommy said quotes. ) i mean she had called before bc she was acting up, but she never used the line "ever since she has been back from your place..." until after she was confronted.....do you think she was trying to imply that I was making the child kick, like i said hey sd, go home and kick mommy and dont listen to her......lol...i know that probably seems odd to some but you should see proir emails from her, they would explain everything...

I agree with the stuff you said my sd tries to get away with the things both me and my bf have witnessed at her moms house at our house it takes a couple hrs for her to realize that we have rules here....and then she is good but up until a few weeks ago, when her mom said that she dont have to listen to me

Joanne - posted on 01/26/2009

Krystal,

It's hard to read what the stepkids are thinking. Your sd may be trying to see what she can get away with from both sides. Or it could be she is just wanting to get attention.. It's hard. My sd would come back to us with an attitude from hell, because that is how her bio-mom is. But she would be quick to realize that at our house we don't act like that. She also tries to play both sides to see what she can get. However the other side, the biomom, alls into the trap. For example, my sd came up to be almost 3 years ago and asked to call me mommy. I told her that is fine with me. So she has been calling me mommy. However, her biomom states that we are the ones that forced her into calling me mom because that is what the child stated. SHe has a really big problem with that. I think she, the biomom is just upset that her step-dad ( her new hubby) is not as involved in her life as I am. Well, that was until they had a baby together. Now he is just rude to her, but I am still in the wrong for taking care of her.
Anyway.. back to you, The child can just be going through some things and just testing you guys. Keep an eye on how she acts when she comes back and see.

Krystal - posted on 01/26/2009

It just seems soo crazy that us step moms have to bite our tounges,,,,frustrating at best....sooo i have an update two weekends ago, my sd said my mommy said i dont have to listen to you....my bf took her home that sunday and confronted the biomom, and as we all know she denied everything.....but at least she knows that we know its her.....my sd came this weekend and wouldnt listen to me and acted completly different....my bf had to work Sat noght and took her aside and gave her a talk about your at daddys house you follow daddy and krystals rules, when daddy goes to work you listen to krystal...we had a bday party for my 8 yr old cousin, everything was going great till toy bags came....they usually are randomly made....my daughter had a red toy and she had the yellow one, and then everything went down hill./....she got grumpy bc she wanted the red....mind you i had no control over the toys, not my party....my cousins mom ended up findind another red toy.....but she still was grumpy.....all three of the older kids love helping out when it comes to the baby....it happened to be my sd turn so i asked her to grab me the babys coat she placed it out of my reach i asked can you bring it a little closer cuz the bb was sleeping in my arms and she proceeded to kick it toward me.....i told her that until she apologized that she wasnt going to beable to help me get the baby things....which goes for my 2 children as well......i then realized that i forgot the bbs toy on the ground were i was sitting oputting her coat on, i asked my daughter to go back and grab it which for some reason upset my sd, bc she started crying......we went up to the front desk of the hotel and sat on the bench and put the bb in her car seat and asked my sd daughter if she wanted me to do up her coat, and she did, then she had said she was soory for being grumpy we hugged and we went home and she helped me bath the bb......now his is were it gets questionable.....today biomom called my bf and said can you come get your daughter bc she wont stop kicking me and wont listen to me......mind you she has called him about this numerous times before her confronted her.....do you think that she was just calling to turn the tables on me like i was the one to make the child kick her and not listen, even though she has complained to both of us previous times, to make my bf confront me......thats what my friends think but they dont have step children......

Joanne - posted on 01/25/2009

Oh my.. it's hard.. girl.. I know where you are coming. Some mothers just don't know when to stop and say.. hey.. my daughter is getting taken care of and she is loved over there. Some people are just plain stupid.. ugh...

Lisa - posted on 01/25/2009

the best advice I can give you after 14 years of dealing with my husband's ex wife is to ignore as much as possible b/c most times they're just trying to get a rise out of you so they can say... see I told you she was a trouble maker.  Most of our problems through the years have had to do with her wanting money & more $$ & more $$, but there was def a time that she tried (& actually still does from time to time I think) to make my stepson think that I was this great, evil force in the world... & for awhile he bought into it.  You can try to be friendly with her, but you will never (I repeat never) have a normal relationship with her.  The best you can do is do what is best for you & your husband & children (including your stepchild).  Treat her as you would your own, love her just the same no matter what & in the end, it will turn out ok.  Your relationship with your stepdaughter is what counts, not what the ex thinks.  As your stepdaughter gets older she will understand that her mommy was bitter & petty & the time will come when you can sit down & talk to her about everything, but at 4 years old you just have to let it roll off your back & love her just the same.  You also have to remember that no matter what her mommy says she will always be her mommy & your stepdaughter will always defend her to no end, no matter what. 

Hope that helps.  I know it's frustrating trust me, you feel like you're always the one that has to bite her tongue & it's so unfair... & it is, but that's just how it is... you'll learn to adjust as will your stepdaughter.

Rachel - posted on 01/25/2009

Oh ive had the your not my mommy you are just my step mommy you cant tell me what to do..... that was from a 4 yr old at the time who had just spent a day with her mom, and was back home with us, the BM said when pulled up about it that she WOULD never tell her daughter say such a thing, the child on the other hand said she was told to say it lol..... i just wonder what eles has been said, I am on friendly terms with their mom i do most of the arranging cause my husband and her just cant get along, or agree.

You do what you have to do for the sake of the children.

Allison - posted on 01/24/2009

I wish that I had some encouraging words, but I get the feeling that I'm going to be in your shoes very soon.  My fiancee has a 2 year old daughter, and her mother says that I'm a home wrecker, and doesn't think very highly of me.  I can just imagine what she is saying to his daughter.  Luckily she doesn't talk much yet, but I'm just trying to prepare myself for the "you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mom" conversation, so let me know how things go between you and his ex.

Krystal - posted on 01/23/2009

I hear ya....Im at wits end...

my sd random says that too....awww doesnt it make you forget the drama for a min....

the bm makes random lies up to try and get my bf mad at me to....like me and his mom were in walmart one day having a great time laughing and joking buying my twins(baby wasnt here yet) clothes and toys......that same day this supposedly happened I was with shawn here worked nights i didnt have a sitter to go out shopping with his mom......and to top it all off she was at work and stayed in the city at her other sons house that weekend so she would have to drive back home an hour to work in the morning.....crazy eh....lol.....oh ya and I supposedly said some horrible things about the child but she cant tell us who i supposedly said it to or what i said......oh an then when court started she told my bf that her friend that said i said those things is now saying she didnt say it, the bm doesnt believe the friend now, and still thinks the friend said it.......did that make sense....lol....Im still trying to make sense of it....

have you gotten visitations through a court....she could be held in contempt if she doesnt follow the court order ( if there is one)

Dawn - posted on 01/23/2009

Some baby mama's are just like little kids .... they want your attention - good attention or bad attention - they don't care as long as you notice them.....

I gave up trying to be friendly with mine.  She just loves to play games.  She acts all nice, does something stupid, denies she did it, and blames you for the problem....and I'm stand there like "what just happened?".... LOL!  

That child likes you...and you know it.  Give her candy and she'll love you forever! LOL!  She's 4!    I am crazy over my SS and he loves me.  As a mom, it would thrill me if my children's stepmom loved my kids (cause she don't).  The BM's don't appreciate your relationship with their child - but the child always will...

Just a random story...all our kids were at the house, I was cooking dinner, my 4 year old ss said to me completely out of the blue, "Dawn, I love you."  That thrilled my soul.   I was so happy to have him back in our lives.   It was short lived.  She started her crap again.  Makes me sad.

Krystal - posted on 01/23/2009

I know i still try and have hope that one day we can be on at least talking terms....and then oone day we are then as i mentioned above she leaves the guy in her life at that time and then the hell starts again./....lol......what can you do.....normally if some random person was acting a fool like this, id delete them outta my life but you kinda cant in these situations.....its almost like she is using her child as bait......its soooo wrong.....the omly reason why i would like a conversational relationship with her is for the childs sake, i wish she would just get it......it just seems like we are trying to get along for the child but she would rather brainwash her into thinking like her......sucks....lol......the thing that bugs me the most is how she gets the child to say she doesnt like me....how is a child supposed to even make that judgment she is 4 yrs old?

I have read that thread, im just wondering when mines gonna attach my thread....lol....and the thing that gets me is they say they want no involvement in our lives but then try and become the center of it....

Dawn - posted on 01/23/2009

Oh, Krystal and you want to talk about LOW... check out the thread "Mom's what would you do?". I started it about another situation in my life.  My husband's baby mama, tracked me down, made up a fake profile and started commenting on what I wrote.  I called her out and she kept talking junk - just making herself look crazier.... this is the 45 year old woman!!!!  

Dawn - posted on 01/23/2009

Girl...I know.... they will NEVER put themselves in your shoes.  Their anger  and bitterness is far to powerful. 

I've spent so much time trying to be nice to, rationalize with and reach out to my huband's BM and she damn near spitts in my face everytime and then lies about what she did.  And I'm talking about a 45 year old woman....  If she hasn't learned kindness and how to be a good mom by 45, there's no hope!! LOL!

All I can say, is stick to your guns.  You're the boss in your home and she will follow your rules.  One day, she will really appreciate you and she'll look at her own mom with disgust for acting like such a fool.

Krystal - posted on 01/23/2009

oh im totally not worried bout the bb weight lol....i just think its a really low that she has to stoop to that level.....we have told my sd that we follow our rules here and she is to follow mommys at home.....it just sucks bc the days we get here it takes her hrs to act like a normal child around me....i mean this poor child has been taught such horrible body language, like rolling her eyes when i enforce our household rules,.....my children are 3(twins) and 6 months and my sd is 4, soo basically every rule the twins have go for her too....but i just dont get how the mom can say dont listen to her.....my bf works sometimes they days we have her, when he does does the bm expect me to call dad everytime she breaks a rule, bc im not "aloud" to enforce our rules......lol......i just think these bb mamas need to put their selves in our shoes to see what their crap puts us through....you know....lol...

Dawn - posted on 01/23/2009

Using your child to piss off another adult has got to be some sort of mental abuse.  Poor kid.  Poor you.  Here's what I think.  You MUST take the high-road.  You must be the bigger person.  You need to tell that child that talking like that to a grown up is not ok.  You also cannot allow the child to "My mommy says I can do this - or I don't have to do that".  Its ok to point out to the child that she is in Daddy's and Krystal's  house now and she will follow Daddy and Krystal's rules and when she is at mommy's house she can follow mommy's rules. 

Girl, don't worry about baby weight!  That crazy baby mama is just so jealous of you.  You've got what she wants... 

Good luck.

Krystal - posted on 01/23/2009

i havent shown any emotion after my sd says a mommy line.....And my BF will tell her to quit talking badly about me infront of their daughter, but she denies it. How else would the child say something like that, right?....i dunno. We seems to get anlong when she has a man in her life, but once she leaves him, all hell breaks lose and Im this horrible person she says if she finds out my man is working on his weekends that she will come to my house and take her home....why you ask, because she doesnt want me around her daughter I am nothing to her never will be. Oh and i almost forgot, she still metions to this day, that my children look nothing like my bf, or her daughter, and that he is only with me so he doesnt have to pay child support. I recently had a baby she is 6 months I have been on mat leave since may, so really my bf is paying more now then if he were to pay child support....like how do you put aside this little comments? Its hard man, I am a very verbal person and hae not said one thing to this girl....and everytime something is said evrything else comes back to me......and make the new comment that much more unforgiving

Becki - posted on 01/23/2009

First off, my sympathies, because I know how you feel. My husband's ex was a whack when he and I first got together and all through our engagement. She would tell the boys not to listen to me or be nice to me...if they listened or were nice, than there would be repercussions when they got home and she did drill them when they got home. After we got married, she lightened up alot and we actually became friends. I never showed her that what she had to say bothered me and continually showed the boys love. When they would say my mommy said this or my mommy said that, I would simply state that I am sorry that their mommy feels that way about me, but I like her or thought she was nice or a good mommy or whatever and showed no anger or emotion whatsoever that what she said had bothered me...if she knows she is getting to you, she will keep on digging in on you. Once the kids were gone, I talked about it to my husband, but he never let her know that she was getting to me. Kids are really an open book and very observant and can be lurking around any corner to listen to what you have to say, so that is why it is so important not to say anything until after she leaves and don't show any type of emotion whether it be a facial gesture, sigh, change in body language...nothin when she pops up with a my mommy says statement. I basically killed my husband's ex with kindness and I don't know if it was my kindness or how I reacted, but after awhile, she came around and like I said, we became friends and the three of us are able to work together and do what is in the best interest of the kids.