Being 100% honest I don't like being a step mother

Jamie - posted on 03/03/2009

Quoting Amanda:

Oh i am really sorry to hear that i just want to say that i use to feel like that to, i am 26 yrs old and i married my husband , to whom has a daughter with another lady and honestly i wanted to stranle her and I didn't care muc habout the daughter at all, i thought she was spoiled and she got most of the attention and i hated it, but than i realized i was the problem, i had a selfish attitude and i needed to expand from that so i decieded to be her friend the daughters that is, than we moved closer to the daughter as i was told to do, and things have been working out surprisingly, the mom gets along with me and we i get along with the daughter, i would consider the ex as an aquintance not yet a friend she never does what she says but you know it could be worse, i just learn to deal with it, I married my husband and i new what i was getting into and i learned that it's through better for worse, and i love him and we are not going to leave him. I really hope things work out for you, and things get better but if there is anything that i could do, I would be happy to help. may god bless you. and hang in there. If the lord is a part of you he will make things work, but you have to want them.

I am so glad that I wasnt the only one feeling that way. I was so afraid to have my step son over. I didnt like the fact that my new husband had to talk to this other female, a girl he was with for 5 yrs (never married) I felt like his son was taking away from my time with him, or my kids time with him. I would cause arguments with my husband just so that his son wouldnt come over. His ex didnt help. She called me every name in the book, her friends wanted to "punch me in the face"  My husband and I got so tired of the drama he quit seeing his son all together. he would only see him if he was at my husbands parents house. Which I also had an issue with. But once I realized I was part of the problem I have tried to support my husband. He has trumatic brain injury from being in Iraq which is why I have had to step up more and be in communication with his ex. Since she has realized that she is going to have to deal with me if she truely wants her son to see his dad. Things have been going ok.

Becky - posted on 03/03/2009

Your post is my life right now, BM has moved within 5 miles, she telling SD come live with me, I think your grades are fine, you father and Becky are to hard on you, promising her the world and working hard on her guilt to go live with her. While we have been friendly with the ex and I consider her a friend I do not tell her everything. I alway watch my back and look out for her next trick in the book. Sometimes it's so exsosting to be honest.Sd and I have been close and like you it has taken time. However a month ago when her mother said she was moving closer at the time she said in our town, SD annoced because she had been punished before going there that she was going to give us 2 weeks to see how it worked and if she didn't like it she was going to live with her mother becuase she was old enough to make her own choice



Well I was none to impressed but I took a breath and called her bluff, I said you know if you want to go live with your mother go pack your bags now you will not be putting your father and my on two weeks notice and wait to see if your mother moves to our town ( I knew she didn't want to change schools) you can go now and come Monday I will call the school and inform them you do not live in the school district and you will have to change school until she does.



She just sat there and I asked her what she was waiting for to go pack and give her mother a call back. She never did and a day or so later said she was sorry.I than explained to her that I loved her very much but would not b threated by a 15 yr old in my house. She said that her mother is always saying that she can come and live with her and how much more freedom she would have. She said she hates the guilt. I beleive that why her mother choose to be her friend and calls be to punish her when something goes wrong she does like so that I continue to be the bad guy but someday that bad guy is going to look like a parent being a parent. It's a rocky road right now it seems we have much in common. Heck BM came to my babyshower how often do you see that!

Laura - posted on 03/01/2009

Quoting Melissa:

To be 100% honest...it doesn't always get better. My husband's daughter came to live with us on a temporary basis...it turned into a permanent situation with his ex giving custody up after 3 years. Only about a year after legally obtaining custody, bio-mom moved to our state and we both made great efforts for her to see her child as frequently as possible (even though she legally had no court ordered right to the frequent visitation). We all became friendly...got along...went to each other's houses...kind of a big family...dysfunctional...but family none-the-less. My step-daughter had major issues with her mother, but...deep down wanted her to be a "real" mother to her. She often would tell me how she wished her mom was like me or how I'm such a better mother than her mom and I ALWAYS told her that it wasn't true....that we were just different. Well....long story short, bio-mom used her frequent visitation with her daughter to completely brain wash her and convince her that her father and I were these monsters that lied to her and brainwashed her and that she hates us both. She wants to be with her mother and wants us both to leave them alone. Her mother is now more than capable of taking care of her and we mean nothing to her. She says she loves her brothers (her dad and I have 2 kids together) and she hates us. This ended with her mother filing an order of protection against her father - we still can't figure out for what??? (nothing came of it) and her calling CPS on us because the child was "afraid" to come home. She is 13....I've been in the picture since she was 5. We had a beautiful, loving relationship. It took time to build, but it was built on love and respect. Now....it's over and she is out of our lives....maybe for good. So...it doesn't get easier. Always watch your back. The ex is NOT your friend....never think she is. We went so out of our way to make sure that his daughter had a relationship with her mother, because it is the right thing to do...and we got a swift kick in the ass and a smack across the face. I sometimes felt like you did....and my marriage has suffered because I did often feel helpless because a child that isn't mine was living in my house and I felt as if I couldn't be the parent I wanted to be. Remember...you are the woman of the house. You and your husband make rules together and the children...all of them....follow the rules. Period. Put your foot down. Take back control of your life and your household and your marriage. Do it now....before it is too late.

 

 

WOW!!!!! I know from Experience as well that the SD's mother is NOT a friend! Just don't even go there and try to think you can be friends.....you can't

Laura - posted on 03/01/2009

Girl, just hang on. I know what you are feeling.....It is best she has two parents in the home. Don't give up on your marriage ....you gotta sit him down and talk to him about when his other children visit! God bless you!

Di - posted on 03/01/2009

Boy, do I feel at home here... this is my life you are all talking about. All those fairy tales about the evil stepmother has a lot to answer for! United you stand, divided you fall. Unless he recognises this, its always going to be hard. Even when he does recognise it, it is hard. My SD and I were best friends until I had my eldest child and she has resented me ever since. Add to it her bio mum has become hostile to the point of assaulting me. Just one question, is there ever a SD that isn't manipulative towards her father? Mine is just plain two faced to go with it....

Debbie - posted on 03/01/2009

Why are men so weak??? Suzanne and Tracie you both need to find a way to make the men in your lives grow some balls...seriously they are being weak little victims of thier own children and expecting you to fix it...i totally feel your frustrations and wish you all the best!!!

Tracie - posted on 03/01/2009

I have 4 step children and his oldest has been very disrespectful hateful threatening.
the kids mother is in prison for drugs theft and fraud his oldest is 14 and she has ran off two times and she thinks that Rules do not apply to her she went to her aunts for the school year because she wants to hang around druggie losers and do what she wants when she wants.... her father not wanting to tick them off just sits back and takes crap... I have been threatened by her that she wanted to kill me that she was going to hit me all because her dad grounded her she lies constantly to everyone... Her aunt has believed all of her lies and she is supposed to be in counceling while there but her auntie doesnt feel she needs to be where do i go what do i do? My husband and i have been married for 8 months together for two and his daughter has gotten up into my face and said i made everyone else leave i can make you leave too.... At my wittts end.... she tells the others to act a certain way towards me as well..

Suzanne - posted on 02/28/2009

My SD is here 3-4 weekends out of the month, she is 9.  I have a 3 year old from a prevous relationship and my husband and I have a baby on the way.  I LOVE my baby to no end but since we have been married (last Oct) and I am getting to know my SD, I am seriously considering leaving him but I don't want to split up and have to do this coparenting situation with him, packing up our baby to go back and forth...  The problem is my SD is manipulative and he falls for it, infact gives in to every whim, whether or not he agrees.  He complains that she doesn't have a sense of responsbility, respect of value for anything yet he does NOTHING?!  Furthermore, when she is here, he disregards my attempts for her to have manners at the dinner table, chores (making her bed, cleaning her room), doing any school work (she is having major trouble in math and tells us she hates reading) and the whining is ridiculous, yet he gives in... we are truly a separated family, his kid, my kid and I, except with my toddler he steps in ALL the time.  I want to leave.  HELP!  I'm stuck in the bedroom now, 8 months pregnant and in tears.  she is downstairs playing video games with him and will probably stay up all hours, despite his desire to have her go to bed and keep a regular routine.  I'm sick of it and I'm ready to pack!!!!  The only thing keeping me here is the fact that we are having a child together.

Angela - posted on 02/27/2009

You will feel like an outsider untill they are old enough to move out! Then IF you wait it out, you can have him all to yourself!!!

Chrissy - posted on 02/27/2009

Connie!!! omg, I would totally not feel like the evil stepmom with chores around the house! I felt like the maid too and about 2 weeks ago, I decided I was gonna do something about it....so I made a chore list...for EVERYONE (including my husband). I talked to him about it first but thought that it would go over better if everyone was included (not just the kids). I started off slow at first (everyone only got 1 chore / day) but I said that in April I was gonna add to it. AND my kids are 5 and 6! Having older kids would be a HUGE frusteration if they didn't help out! Do not feel bad for having your family help! Just a question...do they get allowance?

~Chrissy

Barbara - posted on 02/27/2009

Well I do this with my own kids, stop doing things they want. I  let things go when they don't have clean jeans. I say, "ohhh you want something from me?" They have learned I will go on strike! Your own kids will do the same when they get that age. I have learned to let those things go, it isnt worth my headache acting like a crazy person. I let them get away with it and soon their dad will and should say something. Have him tell them what they need to do. If they still do those things, than they are not discrimitating and they are plan lazy! 

Barbara - posted on 02/26/2009

You and your husband need to make the rules and stick to them. He needs to back you up and you him.  It  has been a tough road but it may happen.  What they want is that time with your husband alone, I know my ss wants that, my husband did tell him that he has 2 little brothers now and they will be coming along. I do encourage their time alone. I have never stepped in the middle.  Things in your routine should not change for them. But the one thing is that you and your husband really discuss  are the problems with out any bitterness and with out bring up the past. whats done is done. Move forward, what can you guys do now to make you a stronger family (team). Have the it is what it is and thats it. Be strong, you can do it attitude! i know how you feel, being a SM is the hardest job!  good luck!

Amy - posted on 02/26/2009

im going thru the same thing i have three step boys and i have been in the picture for the past three in a half years and i feel the same way sometimes you can only pray that it will get better!

Michelle - posted on 02/21/2009

it is a very hard and challengeing position to be in, and one u have to ask yourself right from the beginning is this what i want. We have had some very hard times, and at times i have thought is it worth it. I love my stepkids but there is a lot of manipulation going on there. Every situation is different,with different issues. What might be a lovely and fun experience for one may be horrible and challenging all the way for another. My stepchildren don't live with us so it's alot easier for me to disconnect than what it would be for someone who has there stepchildren living with them. I hope it works out for you and keep in good spirit if u need a break make it a good one like going out a night with your girlfriends. reward yourself for the hard work you do. You deserve it!

Jennifer - posted on 02/21/2009

I'm dealing with a pretty similar situation. We have a 2 month old son together. My hubby had a 19 year old son and a 12 year old son. I'm dealing with being a SM the best I can. I come to realize that it is very much my problem that I have to work out. I love my hubby very dearly. He is my soulmate so I have know I have to change my own attitude towards my stepsons. I knew going into the marriage what I was getting into but I didn't know it would be this hard. I guess I thought everything would just fall into place, but it's much harder than that. Both boys dislike me and act out differently toward me, but not all the time. What makes a tremendous difference is that my hubby sees and acknowledges what the boys do and make every attempt to "fix" things and wants us to be a family. That makes all the difference. I still have issues though and often wish it was just the three of us, but that's never going to happen.

Lolly_loulou - posted on 02/20/2009

Quoting Hippie:

Being 100% honest I don't like being a step mother

Is it ever going to get better? Its going on 6 yrs since I married my husband and nothing has changed for me......I still feel like an outsider when the kids are there, Its causing major riffs in my marriage and I don't think I can keep doing this. We have a child together & I'm really thinking that she'd be better off with a single parent than the way we live now.

i totally understand how u feel.. ive been with my partner going on 3 years now and we now have a 10 week old baby girl together, but  i totally feel like an outsider when anything involves the children. i dont get respect an my patner does not stick up for me by demanding that they respect me. (hell he cant even get them to respect him, but he just dont see it.) and i do everything a mum does. i clean after them, i help them with homework, play with them. take them to family parties. i listen to them talking s**t for hours. and before i had my baby i worked nights to help surpport them. but no gratitude. nothing just attitude. especially off the sarah the 9 year old. she's rude disrespectful. ill mannered. and worst of all spoilt.  does it ever change?

Anita - posted on 02/20/2009

I have been married almost 13 years and for me it just got worse. My stepson just turned 18 this month and as of Nov. last year moved into our home. My husband said it was for one or two days. It is now over 3 months. I have two small children not even in first grade and they are exposed to him. We run a tight ship in our home, where bio mom let him do whatever he wanted. Needless to say it turned very bad without going into extreme detail. I thought this situation would end my marriage. I have always been dumped on when it came to this boy and my husband was not very kind and just kept telling me the bio mom had so many issues. My story right now is good. He is clean, finishing his education, learning to do chores etc. I am actually teaching this boy how to function in the world right now. I have to say he has not messed up yet, but am mentally ready if he does. His dad had put a huge burden on me to handle this, as he can escape with work. I stay at home and gave up my practice when I got pregnant 6 yrs ago. I do not have a grown up escape. Situations all vary, and I thought mine was going straight to hell, but it didn't yet and hope it doesn't. I respect all you second moms because our job is very hard

Jessica - posted on 02/18/2009

I have to agree, sometimes it's so hard being a Step-Parent. I have to constantly remind myself, that these children & their mother's were around way before I was. My SS and I had a VERY good relationship until I had my daughter. SD is just now coming into my husband life, very long story so it's kinda cool with her cause we are getting to know her together.

Just remember, like with all children, one day you'll have your husband all to yourself when they are gown with their own families!

But, you can message me whenever you feel like. I feel like you are feeling almost every day!

Jessica - posted on 02/17/2009

I really think that marraige counselling, and maybe personal counselling, is the way to start, and then move on to family counselling when you are ready. Counselling and therapy are not just for people who have problems, but for anyone looking to improve their quality of life. If you're already thinking of getting out, as Dr. Phil says "you need to earn your way out". Do everything you can, because by splitting, your bio child could end up with a step parent one day!

Jennifer - posted on 02/16/2009

I feel that way nearly every day. It's very hard and no one can give an answer as to how to help and of course the BM won't help one bit but has the education to make this smooth but chooses to waste her education. I would love to go to counseling but I am not getting a good answer from my husband because he's uncomfortable. I just keep trying to read what I can and TRY but it's not easy at all for me to not think about it but that's easier said then done..I can't do it 90% of the time. We just need a place to vent to people who understand and support us like these groups. Hang in there! I'm trying!

Pam - posted on 02/16/2009

Hi JoJo, lol not sure if Hippie is your first name.  I have felt the same way but you know what, why let them ruin your marriage.  You can do this, it really never gets easy but you can work it to your advantage as long as you stay strong and ensure that there is structure in your household.  How often are they there?  My SS is here for four days out of the fortnight and there has been times that I have been so glad to wave him off to his mother's.  Remember they are kids and have the Biomum pissing in their ears about you, about their dad etc.  How old are the kids?  I ensure that all we do whilst he is here is done as a family together, his dad sees him to bed but some nights I do it so that our son together doesn't get jealous.  All toys are shared in the toyroom, no exceptions.  If they don't share it gets taken away no matter what.

I would love to hear more about your situation.

Sherri - posted on 02/16/2009

Quoting Josette :

I do need to get out thats a definate, when I'm not at work I'm home..............thanks girl!

I think its normal to feel like an outsider at times, but if you feel that way all the time perhaps your family needs counselling.  Knowing your role as a mom, wife, stepmom is really challenging and there are no rule books that tell you what to do as a stepmom.  With our bio kids we have a genetic link that is pretty strong - without that link I think you actually have to work harder!  You need some time for yourself, some time with your hubby, and time to spend with the step kids.  sounds like a lot of time!  balance is the key, i guess.  try doing things just with the kids, get to know them on an individual basis, not just as your husband's kids. let us all know if you find the answer to the balance question.  lol

Bobbi - posted on 02/15/2009

Wow, can I relate there. I sincerely hope your situation works out for you! mine isn't much different. Bless all of us step-mom's and bm's alike.

Carrie - posted on 02/05/2009

I have felt that way also, I am 29 yrs old and I am not married. I would get mad at my boyfriend because his boy from his previous relationship is spoiled. I had to make many changes because they moved into my house with me. I am still making changes. I believe communication is very important. If you are not happy talk to your boyfriend/husband/partner and let them know before it gets worse. I talked to my mom and she said its not the child you are mad at, it is the parent and how they are treated by the rest of the family.

Josette - posted on 02/05/2009

I do need to get out thats a definate, when I'm not at work I'm home..............thanks girl!

Sandy - posted on 02/04/2009

Hey Josette

Just Sandy here again...I was thinking.  Do you ever get out of the house?  Have hobbies and interests separate and apart from the kids and parenting?  I have recently found for myself that I have just been stuck in the house house with kids and not having my own identity, interests, etc has been making me feel as though the step parenting situation has become overwhelming.  Lately I have been calling up friends, going out more, developing interests of my own, etc and it has helped my outlook tremendously!  Fill your like with good things that make you happy  both as a family and on your own.  Maybe if the hard stuff took less of your time and attention and you had some positive stuff to fill time and thoughts with you could start to find some happiness and peace for yourself...it is helping in my situation...

take care sweety...talk soon

Amanda - posted on 02/04/2009

Oh i am really sorry to hear that i just want to say that i use to feel like that to, i am 26 yrs old and i married my husband , to whom has a daughter with another lady and honestly i wanted to stranle her and I didn't care muc habout the daughter at all, i thought she was spoiled and she got most of the attention and i hated it, but than i realized i was the problem, i had a selfish attitude and i needed to expand from that so i decieded to be her friend the daughters that is, than we moved closer to the daughter as i was told to do, and things have been working out surprisingly, the mom gets along with me and we i get along with the daughter, i would consider the ex as an aquintance not yet a friend she never does what she says but you know it could be worse, i just learn to deal with it, I married my husband and i new what i was getting into and i learned that it's through better for worse, and i love him and we are not going to leave him. I really hope things work out for you, and things get better but if there is anything that i could do, I would be happy to help. may god bless you. and hang in there. If the lord is a part of you he will make things work, but you have to want them.

Josette - posted on 02/04/2009

You ladies ROCK, thank you for all the kind words!

I'm hanging in & hanging on and will be here for support so I hope you don't tire of me

Sandy - posted on 02/03/2009

Josette....I am so sorry that you are going through such hard times.  You are really not alone.  I have been with my husband 8 years and we still have issues about his kids, my kids, our kids.  Its a really hard road.  It has definately gotten better but I just get so tired of there always being issues.  Honestly sometimes I feel as though I married...my spouse, his ex, his family, his kids, and on and on.  Sometimes feel trapped.  But I do not want our children to go through what my SD has gone through.

Debbie - posted on 02/03/2009

Josette, I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way and I have noticed another post that you started which sounded like you have had enough!!!

I totally get why you feel this way...all I can suggest for you is you need to take some time out for yourself and truly think about what you want from life and where you will get that from. Your child will be ok with whatever you decide, you need to make the decision for yourself.

In my heart I'd say hold on it will get better....but I'm not you and I don't live in your situation.....

Take a long deserved holiday by yourself...come out to Aust you can stay with me...lol

Just take a break, think about things before anything happens thats life changing.



Good luck and I wish you happiness

Rachael - posted on 02/03/2009

It is so hard and I can completely relate. Have you looked into marriage counseling? I hate to suggest therapy right off, but I myself am a therapist, and my husband and I had to go to marriage therapy to deal with all that comes with the whole "blended family" thing. It is one of the major causes of divorce in this country. Hang in there, make sure you have exhausted all strategies before deciding to leave :)

Rachel - posted on 02/03/2009

I'm sorry you feel that way too. If you haven't already, share the way you feel with your husband. You shouldn't feel like an outsider in your own home. Do you do things all together as a family?

Melissa - posted on 02/03/2009

To be 100% honest...it doesn't always get better. My husband's daughter came to live with us on a temporary basis...it turned into a permanent situation with his ex giving custody up after 3 years. Only about a year after legally obtaining custody, bio-mom moved to our state and we both made great efforts for her to see her child as frequently as possible (even though she legally had no court ordered right to the frequent visitation). We all became friendly...got along...went to each other's houses...kind of a big family...dysfunctional...but family none-the-less. My step-daughter had major issues with her mother, but...deep down wanted her to be a "real" mother to her. She often would tell me how she wished her mom was like me or how I'm such a better mother than her mom and I ALWAYS told her that it wasn't true....that we were just different. Well....long story short, bio-mom used her frequent visitation with her daughter to completely brain wash her and convince her that her father and I were these monsters that lied to her and brainwashed her and that she hates us both. She wants to be with her mother and wants us both to leave them alone. Her mother is now more than capable of taking care of her and we mean nothing to her. She says she loves her brothers (her dad and I have 2 kids together) and she hates us. This ended with her mother filing an order of protection against her father - we still can't figure out for what??? (nothing came of it) and her calling CPS on us because the child was "afraid" to come home. She is 13....I've been in the picture since she was 5. We had a beautiful, loving relationship. It took time to build, but it was built on love and respect. Now....it's over and she is out of our lives....maybe for good. So...it doesn't get easier. Always watch your back. The ex is NOT your friend....never think she is. We went so out of our way to make sure that his daughter had a relationship with her mother, because it is the right thing to do...and we got a swift kick in the ass and a smack across the face. I sometimes felt like you did....and my marriage has suffered because I did often feel helpless because a child that isn't mine was living in my house and I felt as if I couldn't be the parent I wanted to be. Remember...you are the woman of the house. You and your husband make rules together and the children...all of them....follow the rules. Period. Put your foot down. Take back control of your life and your household and your marriage. Do it now....before it is too late.

Jennifer - posted on 02/03/2009

I think it will change but it hasn't in the 3 1/2 years we've been married (together for 7) and it causes major problems in our marriage. I give props to the father that adopted your two sons. Mine was told that when I first met him that was what i wanted from my future husband but now won't talk about nor thinks it's important and it's another breaking point for me.

Jeanine - posted on 02/03/2009

I think it is how you look at it and what you think you will feel...some days are more of a challenge than others. I don't think I will ever like the switch day... my SD acts like her mother and it drives me bonkers...I think each week that it will be different, but it never has been yet. She is at a very impressionable age and she mimics who she is around. She is only acting like her mother because she has just spent a couple of days with her. After that first day she is back to herself and being goofy and carefree, it's an adjustment day for all of us and she just needs a day to be reminded that she can be herself. I then remind myself how hard it would be to have to switch who you are all the time and try to be more understanding and patient toward her "like" and "totally" usage during conversations. As she gets older and figures out who she is, things will get better. I don;t hate her,  just how she is acting and I know bio moms who have said that they actually don't like their Teen or tween daughters, they love them but they don't like them... I think this is the same thing.

I don't know if this helps at all but I thought I would share how I feel somedays, we are not perfect and have feelings we can't always ignore. Do what is right in your heart and you wil know when you have found the right answer.

Josette - posted on 02/03/2009

My husband is a decent man & father.  I have tried to spend time together as a family and have spent time with them alone too.  Its just not working for me :-(     Its come to a point that I make plans to work overtime when they will be there.  I may be at the end of my rope......

Emma - posted on 02/03/2009

I have to mirror what Bethany has said, Iv been a step mum for seven years nearly and it took a long time to get where we are now (not just me, but with my sd aswell). Do you ever spend time with just his children on your own? or go out and do things together as a family?

It is a very hard job I have to admit. But I can't help feel that you seem at the end of your tether, please get back if you need someone to talk to.

Bethany - posted on 02/03/2009

I'm sorry you feel that way. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. He had one, I had two, and we have two more together. He adopted my two boys so we really just struggle with his son and me as the wicked step mom. It's been really hard, some days I've thought it's so not worth it, so I understand. But I do not think that kids are better off in single parent homes, there are very few reasons to warrant that. Is your husband a good man, do you love him, do you want your child to have a dad in their life? I know it's hard and I don't know what you've tried. I've found that counseling has really helped my husband and I. He takes things from a counselor so much better than from me! I don't know if it ever gets easier, but I think down the road it is worth it. I can sympathize, I hope you can find something that makes you and your family happy. Good luck.