Being a step mom

Donna - posted on 10/24/2009

i went through a lot of the same things you are going through. The best thing you can do is to create the best, stable, loving home for your s.d., so that when she comes there, she feels like it is home to her. She will not be a child forever. She will grow up and remember thing that happened and if you take the high road, you will be much better off in the long run.

Parenting is hard enough, but when you have step children that are very young, it is even harder. No one really understands unless they have been there, done that. It is a thankless position to be in while you are there, but take my word for it, when the kids grow up, they will understand the reality of what went on. Always be honest, and loving and NEVER put down the bio mother in front of them. Scream to your friends, or who ever will listen, but don't let them hear. You will be the honorable one in the end.

Tricia - posted on 10/22/2009

Its a really sticky problem! I understand how you're feeling. The best thing you can do is just continue to love that little girl, stand strong on your boundaries and rules, and just be an adult. You can't let her get to you, or in between you and your husband. Its also important that he stands up to her, and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable.

Lynda - posted on 10/21/2009

Unfortunately, she (bm) will probably always say and do spiteful and hurtful things. You can't let it get to you and don't ever let your sd know that is does. NEVER say anything negative about the bm in front of the sd either.

My husband and I have been together for nine years and we have always explained to our kids (yes his kids are mine too!) that each household is different. What goes on at their mom's house is between them and their mom ......... just as what goes on at our house is OUR business! Everntually she will realize and respect that.

Being a stepmom you have to have thick skin and learn how to bite your tongue!

But I promise you once she is older she will thank you for everything you did for her. And she will KNOW what her bm did as well. My older stepkids tell me how much they appreciate all I did and continue to do and the fact their dad and I never "used" them or put them in the middle of things or said anything bad about their mom.

Sonya - posted on 10/21/2009

Wow Cassandra if this lady is married she should respect that both her x and herself has moved on and she needs help herself, now the thing with your step daughter saying her mommy misses her daddy is the MOM talking thats how it was for me the first 1 to 2 years and don't get me wrong me and my kids got along great but they were 5 and 6 at the time and they would always tell my thier dad, mommy misses you why dont you buy her flowers so you can get back together and they would always tell daddy mommy wants to make up. but you just have to be strong because all of us step-moms out here knew what kind of relationship we were stepping into and yeah its tough because you think they are saying these things because they don't want you in their life when thats not even the case it's just they don't understand the whole story, but the one to deal with those issues would have to be your husband, but back to biological mom she just needs a hobby and needs to stop causing problems and just needs to invest her time elsewhere. Hope this helped :) I totally agree with Tena this will not stop with the BM you just need to shake it off and not let her get to you because it drives them crazy when their plans are not working because if you let these things get the best of you it will create problems with your family and just tell yourself you have a loving husband thats going to stand by you no matter what and a step daughter that will stand by your side because BM can only put so much in her daughters head my SK's BM tried to do that until they were 8 and 9 and it doesn't work and now they know her for what she truely is and they told me they wish I was thier real mom and I love them like my own so just hang in there :) The end result is priceless :)

Tena - posted on 10/21/2009

This is sad because the little girl will be the one hurt most. As for the pics , I would just chalk it up to her desperation and make sure your husband knows you trust him. My husband's ex would find "reasons" to pop over our house and sorta flirt with him. I just put on my best act and didn't let her think she got to me. It got old to her when no one was bothered by her flirtations. The negative talk to the child needs to stop though, I would keep records of any and report her to the courts if it's often. My step-daughter and I went through this and it was hard to be nice. But be nice if you can because she will grow up knowing you tried. Mine is 23 now and she told me she is glad i put up with all i did. Hang in there.

Bridget - posted on 10/21/2009

I know exactly how you feel. My situation is a little different because my husband divorced his ex-wife becuse she is a crack head, and I say is because she still hasn't stopped. She use to probe my step-daughter for questions all the time, and when I was gone one time and the ex dropped my step daughter off, she even went as far as asking my husband if he really wanted to marry me. So I get it what you're going through. Really you just need to focus on your relationship with your husband and your step-daughter because kids aren't stupid, they can sense a good relationship and they will eventually realize what their natural mother is doing, which is obviously trying to sabotage you and your husbands relationship. As far as the behavior goes, you need to have a meeting with the natural mother and explain what happens when she comes home and discuss your rules and hers, which it sounds like she doens't have any, but communication is key when you're dealing with an ex whether it be an ex husband or ex spouse, but once the child gets older she will realize the difference in environments, trust me.

Tasha - posted on 10/21/2009

It is very hard I have a similar situation. You can't keep from getting angry but you can control how & when you react. First off be sure to write everything down the more evidence you have the better.save texts, emails, & record conversations (not between the child & mother but u & ur husband can record the ones with her). In your parenting plan there should be a statement saying that neither party shall say negative comments about the other parent or their family in front of the child. Its in the standard rights. If the behavior continues you are able to bring the evidence to the courts attention & they will take action or at least should bc she is violating the agreement & placing the child's well being at risk. I feel your pain & stress but hang in there. Just remember that when you have her show her how much you care & love her & place the anger aside. What matters most is that she feels safe & comfortable with you & over time things will get better. Either the Bio mom will chill out or the child will make the choice to leave that situation. You are very lucky to get the 2 weeks just make the best of it & don't let the Bio mom ruin that time.

Andrea - posted on 10/20/2009

I know that feeling but mine is were his ex calls him all times of the day and night and my sd has not had a stable life in god knows how long and the BM is alway calling saying that his daugther needs this or that but my husband does not work his is disabled and i try but it only me working is gets kinda hard and the BM is enged to my husband friend