Bio-mom is crazy!!

Krystyl - posted on 01/28/2009

Has anyone gone fore full custody and gotten it? What age were the kids and was there bad effects from taken them from their mom? We are so afraid of causing her anymore damage then mom has and is doing already...

Personally, I hate the idea of taking my SS away from his mother, as he is only 3 ( just turned three)

however, she wants to take him to Alberta because her new husband got a 'great' job offer... she told us this in a re-buttal to us taking him to see his grandparents ( on her side) seems as though Bio-mom and her mother had a immature 'falling out' ... it just so happens that we live quite close to them ... and everytime we pass thier house he starts crying... anyways, it was when my Hubby and Bio were arguing about My SS seeing his grandparents,... that she told him they were moving ... over the internet... and in the next  paragraph " I never said I was taking him away from you" ... I don't think she's crazy... I think she's stupid... Anyways, we are currently in a court battle over him,... I really wish it hadn't come to this, ... I grew up in a broken/fixed/mixed family situation , and the hate was just too much to handle for a child... we are very careful not to say anything negative about BioMom ... I even have conversations with my SS about Mommy and his new sister... just to show him I'm interested in his life...

If she still wants to move, we are going for full custody, ... if she wants to stay here, we are fine with the arrangements we have, ... I just wish I knew what she was planning,... she's SO sneaky....

She missed the first court date... and she was the one taking us to court ...

Heather - posted on 01/28/2009

I really think that you should keep a diary of all of this and go for full custody. This child is going to be scarred for life if her mother keeps doing this stuff.

Marcie - posted on 01/28/2009

Oh one more things, the mental games that mom's household does to my SD, Example: 2 days before her first trip on an airplane, They MADE her watch Flight 93 down. They told her you can only watch your movie next if you watch this whole movie with us. These are my SD words to us was, THEY MADE ME WATCH IT!!! She is going on 13 has been flying now for 2 1/2 years and is still scared to death to fly alone.....

Heather - posted on 01/27/2009

I have a nine year old step son who's mother is practically worthless. My husband and his mother were 15 when he was born. I am 21 and never thought I would be so involved in the things that I do. He and I are very close. He has a hard time with his mother though. He loves her very much but she isn't involved very much in his life. His father and I have been together 4 years and she has had over 9 live in boyfriends since we got together. He never knows if she is going to have the same boyfriend when he goes to her house. She was married this July and divorced by October. Her and all of her boyfriends have told him that he does not have to respect me and that I have no say over what he does. This has been a constant struggle in our house as we also have a two year old and we have rules that we want to uphold for both boys. She thinks that us having rules is wrong. he is allowed to stay up as long as he wants when she has him. He has watched almost every rated R movie you can think of (remember he's 9). At our house he has a strict bedtime, electronics are limited, plus we have him in Boy scouts and sports. She complains that she has to give up some of her time for him to practice and has to drive to our town for his games. The best thing that we have done is just to make sure that he knows we love him and that he can always talk to us. We also had couseling sessions with him for awhile to get him threw the things his mother puts him threw. And make sure that if you and your husband are upset with each other, don't argue in front of her. That was a big thing with my husband and I. We would argue infront of him and it would effect him and he would tell his mother. She would tell him that we were upset that he was with us. God will take care of this if you ask him to but you still have to do your part. I hope everything works out for you.

Jessica - posted on 01/27/2009

Quoting Jessica:

Remind all of your kids daily that you love them no matter what and just keep saying whatever you hear only we can tell you how WE fell...and we love you and consider you part of our family. 

Sorry -

Just keep saying "Whatever you hear, remember only WE can tell you how WE feel"

Jessica - posted on 01/27/2009

You need to be careful you don't play the same games back, but that doesn't mean sitting on your hands.  Remind all of your kids daily that you love them no matter what and just keep saying whatever you hear only we can tell you how WE fell...and we love you and consider you part of our family.  Sounds like she's old enough to hear the truth behind it and eventually she'll start to see other lies emerging too. (trust me anyone who can make a kid feel like thier dad doesn't love them is lying about other as well - and important stuff).  My SD used to regularly hear her mom say on the phone "Sorry she's out playing" or something and knew it was usually us calling - yeah, it was so bad we couldn't even get her on the phone - and it didn't take many years of reassurance for her to start standing up or hurting back or whatever.  For instance whenever biomom got mad she shout - "fine I'm sending you to your father's house" so my DSD started shouting back "please do".

I don't know why people always say the two exes should deal withthings - there's a reason they split and usually there are enough bad feelings there that they should be the last two people to deal with things if you ask me - it's probably best that your husband is non-confrontational, as long as SD isn't being harmed (even emotionally) by this.  The worst thing is for kids to watch their parents constantly fighting over everything - trust me I had to go through it with SD - she spent years saying I don't care I just want the fighting to stop - before she realized she cared enough to do the best she could to get out of the fighting which was to move with us.

There really isn't any tried and true advice here - just tell her the truth all the time and eventually she'll trust you enough to ask the important questions.

Kathy - posted on 01/27/2009

oh, advice for you, just love her as much as you can! listen to her and let her know that you are sorry she has to go through all of that. Enjoy spending time with her. We never talk bad about the negative people in our kids life, and they see those people for who they are because of it!

Kathy - posted on 01/27/2009

Not quite sure why you should take a backseat!! You are the mother at your house, so even guests would listen and obey your rules. My step children have also been told they are not my family, my children aren't their siblings, my family is not their relation, they shouldn't have to listen or obey me because I'm not the real mom, etc... I've been the only consistent mother figure for 9 years. The 9 year old has always called me mom, but has been told not to. They are bribed, manipulated, used, coerced, lied to, whatever it has taken for them to be against me and my husband. All of this has begun to backfire, as the oldest and youngest step kids are beginning to fight back and stand up for themselves and our family. Step son seems to enjoy being bribed and treated like a king who can do no wrong. But deep down I know he knows the truth too. Strange thing is, it's my mother in law doing all this for the sake of the real mom. Real mom was in and out of jail, rehab, and the kids lives for 5 years, until 1 1/2 years ago when the court allowed her to begin a 'step by step' order of receiving contact with the kids. She has the court allowed right to call 2 days a week (phone calls are usually less than 10 minutes including 3 kids and me, and often the kids flat out tell her they don't want to talk, or they at least find something to say to get off the phone with her). She began reunification counseling with the kids a year ago, which we still go to but it is VERY pointless. The counselor knows she has no parenting skills and tells us to act like she's just another adult in our kids lives. But the counselor doesn't take anything we say or anything that happens into consideration of her other decisions. So the kids have been going on 'supervised' visits for about 10 months now, just recently getting up to twice a month. It is pathetic because she yells and cusses at them, at the very least she's in a bad mood and argues with her boyfriend (the supervisor!! which we never approved of but were lied to so there he is, being a visitation supervisor). She doesn't have parenting skills, can't handle their misbehavior and nitpicking, doesn't know how to treat them like their age. I will pray for you, I understand what you're going through!! My best friend also has a situation similar to yours but her step kids see their mom throughout the year. You are not alone!!