Bio Mom vs Step Mom

Leaha - posted on 04/28/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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How do you put the kids first, when it's hard to "get over" or "ignore" the nasty comments and harsh words from the Bio Mom? I'm so sick of being called names and the ex wife dictating my life. I'm sick of my husband not being able to stand up to her, and I'm tired of MY husband's family defending the ex wife. I can get over her crap and let it go for the kids sake, but when she can't and starts running her mouth again, once again it starts. It's complete bull, and I know I'm not alone, so how do we deel with it??

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Di - posted on 05/08/2009

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This is how I dealt with it Leaha. I stopped listening to what she had to say. At some point I told Andy stop telling me what crap she says I don't want to know anymore. After all, thats exactly what it is, crap. Why do you want to listen to it? It just makes you upset so she wins, thats exactly what she wants. Let her think and say what she wants, nothing you can do will change her thinking and talk. So that doesn't mean you have to listen to it. It doesn't mean that if it's not defended that it is somehow true.

Tell Chad, thats it baby, I couldn't care less what she thinks or says, please respect me enough to leave it at the door. Don't deal with her. If your inlaws don't respect you enough to keep her outside of your home then to hell with them too. Please stand up and say this is bs man...I don't need this stress in my life.



Once you stop listening then Chad wont feel he has let you down by not responding to her. (he is between the rock and the hard place in this situation) It will take the pressure off him which means he will be more loving to you. I bet if push came to shove he would defend you, and truly if he wouldn't, well honey you deserve better. Love him enough to let go. Once you stop dealing at all with her, then your life will improve out of sight. Please believe me, her opinion counts for zip! She will continue until it no longer hurts you, well if you don't hear it then it cant hurt you. Please Leaha, walk away from her and dont care. You will make yourself crazy if you don't. I would have ended up in a looney bin if I hadn't have done the cut off thing. Once you make the decision to do it, you will be surprised how free you feel. Trust me, this will bring you relief.

Natasha - posted on 04/29/2009

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I love my SD and I show my love to her every little chance I get. Nothing pisses off the BM more than to see me and her daughter to have a lot of funand have a good relationships. My hubby's ex complaints to him how she is sick and tired to hear from her daughter how much fun she has with me when she goes on the visit, and how much she likes the food I cook etc. So, I recommend you be yourself, completely ignore BM's bull even though it's tough sometimes (believe me I know), and make friends with your SK - every chance you get. BM is the least of your worries. I wish a lot of SM would understnad it. BMs try to make it personal when it isn't, and most SM fall right into the mind games of BM. Keep in mind - it is all about the child, nothing else!!!

[deleted account]

First I want to start out by saying, that I'm sorry for all the drama that you gals go through, but I'm relieved I'm not the only one. I am a SM and a BM and its hard especially when my husbands ex-wife hates me and is suing my husband for sole custody by reporting false accusations of child abuse and neglect because she is trying to get revenge on me and my husband. And to top it all off she is causing drama with my SS and aggravating my oldest SS adhd. My ex-husband's wife doesn't give me problems thankfully, but we definitly don't like each other. My life is full of drama with the BM and we call her Psycho when we talk about her in private. When the boys repeat things from their mother that is crazy,off the wall or negative we just say "Thanks for sharing" and the boys stop talking and go off to do other things or change the subject. I have a ton of experience with BM and SM,so I feel all your pain! Alicia

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2009

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Oh Leaha, THIS issue is what brought me to this forum.



It makes me crazy the way the kids are pulled back into the middle of things regardless of how much I try to prevent it. I even say good things about this woman because she is their mother - that is maddening - but best for the kids, I believe.



I feel like I can't even be me anymore. I know I'm not the same woman my spouse married, I'm so battle weary and I do my best not to even partake in it. It's never good enough, there's always something.



Doesn't it break your heart when the children repeat what you know they've been told? Especially when they are too young to come up with the things they are saying.



How I wish I had more hopeful input for you. We're going on 7 years of this crap.



I find it particularly challenging because I am a BM & a SM. It doesn't have to be this difficult. I can honestly say I do not get involved with my ex's partners. If anything, I feel sympathy because they have no idea what they're getting into ~ he's married many times, my personal fav is when he married a woman he'd known 8 WEEKS. But in time, they eventually catch on.



But BMs are for life. I avoid any and all contact with BM, but that doesn't stop her from worming into my home through the children. I'll be watching this thread for any tips/advice. Best of luck to you. ~~~ Jennifer

Amanda - posted on 04/28/2009

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You live on the hope that one day it will go away. Just always be the bigger person and someday she will get hers. I know how unbelievably frustrating it is to just sit back and take it, but no matter what we step moms do it makes no difference to the bm. The one thing that makes me feel just a little better is thinking, every time she pulls her crap with me, that the only reason she does it is because she is so jealous of the life I have.

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Amanda - posted on 05/08/2009

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It seems she is jealous of you and your life u have now...I would make your husband stand up to her... He is your husband now and thats his job to stand up for you. His family defending the ex-wife, your hubby needs to stand up and tell them how it is too... Because u are his wife now, and that is your husbands job... I wouldnt be able to ignore it or get over it neither unless I had someone standing up and taking my back like my husband, u know?

Mandie - posted on 05/08/2009

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I had the same problem when me and my fiance got together, his ex hated me, she would come to the house trying to break down the door, said she didnt want me around her son, called me names, said my fiance was sleeping with her, all kinds of stuff and all his family could say was "she's still the mother of his son" it irritated the crap outta me, especially when his family would invite her to the other kids parties in his family. She would come just to say she was still part of the family. I just kept saving every message she sent me, and finally told his family that she wasnt family, and then one day she met some dude and she just quit acting all immature about it. I guess she just gave up, Good luck i hope it all works out for you!

Leaha - posted on 05/08/2009

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Get a load of this new drama.

With this being mother's day weekend, we don't have Chad's kiddo's but we'll have my daughter on Sunday. We've invited our mothers and Chad's grandmother to come over sunday for dinner. My mother will be there, but, CHAD's mother and grandmother are going over to his EX wifes house on sunday!

HA!

Yes, Chad you are my son, however I am spending mothers day with my ex daugter in law.

Talk about a slap in the face.

Why do we even try with these people?

I told him, screw 'em. We'll spend the day with OUR REAL mother, mine.

LOL

[deleted account]

I tried to be the bigger person for a LONG time but I finally had enough one night after my child being rushed to hospital and copping another earful of unwarranted abuse from BM because I had the audacity to wish her well on an interstate trip that would take her away from her own children for unknown length of time. most of time all you can do is ignore it as best you can, try and see some funniness in what she's doing or saying because thats what gets you through the days when all you want to do is smack something really hard.

[deleted account]

I think our partners must have all been married to the same BM

LOL

As to how to deal with it-one day at a time and PRAY it stops!

Debbie - posted on 04/30/2009

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I used to think Be the bigger person and the truth will come out, or let HER keep being a manipulating B.I.T.C.H and Karma will get her....but damn how long is it gunna take????? I sick of waiting, but cause i'm nice I will keep on at it and wait some more....hopefully me dobbing her into the authorities for fraud will get her done over!!! Cross fingers lol

In saying this Leaha I'm sorry I dont have an answer for ya! But know I think your great and you are a better person!!!!!!!

Heather - posted on 04/29/2009

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i agree.. i have lived on the whole it will go away or maybe one day he will stand up to her. i get tired of hearing from his parents well when they were married and stuff like that. but girl keep ur head up.. maybe one day it will go away.

Leaha - posted on 04/28/2009

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I think that's why I find it so difficult Jennifer. I'm a bio-mom as well, and honestly I can't stand my exes new girlfriend, but we get along for the sake of my daughter. I don't care for her much mainly because she's only 9 years older than my daughter! She's a baby herself and I have a problem with a baby trying to raise my baby, know what I mean? But I have no other problems, yet... My daughter has said some things about her dad's girlfriend, and I'm currently working on those issues, but I've never degraded her, talked bad about her to my daughter, or tried to get her in trouble like my husband's ex has done to me. I just don't get it. I deffinately feel sorry for the girlfriend though because I have a feeling that she is starting to see my ex for the worthless piece of crap that he is, she's had several "battle" scars, so I know it's happening, it's just a matter of time before she get's the strength to leave him too. But with my husband's ex wife, ass long as she has the support of my husband's family, I don't see things getting any better... I'm glad, as always, to know I'm not alone in the way I feel. It helps A LOT to be able to vent. Thanks...

Amanda - posted on 04/28/2009

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I feel your pain. It's like if you a step mom you're evil and you are out to get the BIO Mom or you are trying to replace her. I don't understand why people feel so threatened by another person helping raise their child.I haven't had any problems with my SS's mom but I am sure it's bound to happen. I really hope everything works out.

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