Birthday bummer...

Leaha - posted on 05/22/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My step daughter turns 11 today. And we have no idea where she is. Every phone number we have been given is diss connected. The past 10 years, my husband has been lucky to see his eldest daughter on fathers day every year and that's it. Very frustrating. And yet, he's told he's a dead beat becuase he doesn't exercise his visitation and he doesn't try contacting her. Complete BS, considering the above statement of every phone number we have had has been dissconnected or no longer in service. How do you reach someone that is unreachable. One of these day's I hope she know's that her daddy has tried.....

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Sandy - posted on 05/26/2009

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Is there any family that he could contact to get a happy birthday message to her or someone that may be able to give him an idea of where she is?

Catrina - posted on 05/25/2009

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I believe each family court has the option of financial situations determining whether the fees will be paid, if so how much etc. I know that my husband is one of the few who does not have to pay for the filing simply because he is perm. disabled and I went from working status to disabled myself. Trying to figure out if I am able to go back to work or not. (my kidneys are starting to fail)



But BM lives in another state and has filed multiple times out of her state to the courts here. She has requested a change of venue but did NOT go about it correctly so that was shot down. But seriously, get on the phone with someone in the court --- they will help over the phone I believe --- or check out what you can write in to request etc.



But yes I must agree, is she not worth fighting for? If not, then don't. Like I say either do your all or none at all. I can't stand half @ss actions, and am on my husbands @ss if he starts to fall. I remind him over and over again of the positives - he will get caught up in the negative (sometimes it's just too hard to avoid) but he's only human. However once he is re-directed he gathers his thoughts etc...and is sooo much better at facing the issues.



As far as the in-laws thing goes and family functions - make them seperate. If the in laws want to spend time with this ex then fine, their choice. But you and your husband do not need to be there. All it's doing is confusing the child - unless it's a positive experience all around. From the sounds of it - that's not what it is. My sister's ex has no family here, and my parents still invite him to do things. They help him when he has the kids if he needs babysitting etc. Holidays - we'll do seperate parts, until the ending. He'll come & that'll be the switch - my sister will leave and go do her thing. But that's not a negative situation at all. We sort of feel bad for her ex, like I said he has no family out here and having 3 kids to take care of even if you're a single mother is hard - and a father - it's hard. But yes the in laws need to respect it, and your husband should be the one doing the talking to get it respected. My sister did the talking, and made it clear that she would like her family time to not include her ex (she had started dating a looser and wanted to bring him around, he was several years younger so was super controling and cocky) but that didn't last long. He's long gone now.



Get your point across to your husband. Don't get mad at him. Men will always take the easy road to avoid anything. If no one is really talking, they think all is well. But seriously without RANTING to him or complaining of his lack of this or lack of that - tell him how much it's bothering you and upsetting you that she is there etc. Don't put it on him. Only the action of helping is what needs to be put on him...



Does that make sense??

Jamie - posted on 05/25/2009

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Quoting Leaha:

The problem in this sittuation, is that we live in Ohio, and have to go threw the courts. She (SD) lives in Kentucky. REally difficult when out of state. Plus, we are barely able to feed ourselves forking out child support to 2 ungreatfull exes, we can't afford to go back to court right now. We document as much as we can, so when we are able to fight this one, we can. It's just rediculous that she can't even keep a working number. Honestly it's kind of nice not having to deal with that ex though. The one here in Ohio, drives me batty enough, with still being envolved in the family and all. I just have the understanding that when you divorce, you kind of cut ties with the in-laws. Not completely, but you just MOVE ON. This one can't... She's shoved up MY in-laws butts 24/7. I wish someone would just tell her to MOVE ON, but I shouldn't hold my breath. All I get is the "it's for the sake of the kids" bull shit... I'm telling you right now, I'm pregnant, and If these people think that they are going to be all nicey nice with me now and try to be all in it for "the baby and kids" they can forget it. First impressions last a lifetime with me, and for 3 years now I've been put down and called names and not been envolved. I've felt like the "3rd wheel" because every "family" event with my husband, she's there, and I'm just the slut he's married to now. Last time I checked, they were divorced and my husband doesn't practice Morman. GOD I hate that woman!!!!!!!!!!
Ahh, my rants done for today.....



Its not that expensive to file papers, and I know here you can apply for a deferal of fees or a waiver, with the deferall you can make payments. They arent not going to let you file just because you cant afford it, thats like saying you cant see your kids because you cant afford to file. And you dont need an attorney. I have never had an attorney with my ex. I am trying not to be mean, but isnt SD worth fighting for? If that was your child wouldnt you do everything possible to get her back or at least see her? She deserves her dad just as much as her mom. And later on shes going to ask the same question, wasnt i worth fighting for? just my 2 cents.

Jamie - posted on 05/25/2009

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Quoting Leaha:

The problem in this sittuation, is that we live in Ohio, and have to go threw the courts. She (SD) lives in Kentucky. REally difficult when out of state. Plus, we are barely able to feed ourselves forking out child support to 2 ungreatfull exes, we can't afford to go back to court right now. We document as much as we can, so when we are able to fight this one, we can. It's just rediculous that she can't even keep a working number. Honestly it's kind of nice not having to deal with that ex though. The one here in Ohio, drives me batty enough, with still being envolved in the family and all. I just have the understanding that when you divorce, you kind of cut ties with the in-laws. Not completely, but you just MOVE ON. This one can't... She's shoved up MY in-laws butts 24/7. I wish someone would just tell her to MOVE ON, but I shouldn't hold my breath. All I get is the "it's for the sake of the kids" bull shit... I'm telling you right now, I'm pregnant, and If these people think that they are going to be all nicey nice with me now and try to be all in it for "the baby and kids" they can forget it. First impressions last a lifetime with me, and for 3 years now I've been put down and called names and not been envolved. I've felt like the "3rd wheel" because every "family" event with my husband, she's there, and I'm just the slut he's married to now. Last time I checked, they were divorced and my husband doesn't practice Morman. GOD I hate that woman!!!!!!!!!!
Ahh, my rants done for today.....



Its not that expensive to file papers, and I know here you can apply for a deferal of fees or a waiver, with the deferall you can make payments. They arent not going to let you file just because you cant afford it, thats like saying you cant see your kids because you cant afford to file. And you dont need an attorney. I have never had an attorney with my ex. I am trying not to be mean, but isnt SD worth fighting for? If that was your child wouldnt you do everything possible to get her back or at least see her? She deserves her dad just as much as her mom. And later on shes going to ask the same question, wasnt i worth fighting for?

Jamie - posted on 05/25/2009

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Quoting Catrina:

Get it in a court order! Get the BM on contempt charges if it's not followed!! I'm sorry but how many chances are people going to give the other parent who's preventing them from doing their court ordered time? Now if there isn't a court order, get one. Keep tabs and don't be afraid to file contempt charges. I know here in California - we don't need a lawyer at all.....it's been thrown out there during previous court hearings, so now it comes down to being techinical and using the actual form and filing. But here if contempt charges are filed, ANY pending case is put on hold until the contempt charge is addressed....so if it comes down to seeing your SD then maybe file, and then tell the judge you are willing to drop the contempt charges just so you can see her. Then it's already on the documents, and it also allows the courts to see that Dad is willing to step back and take the child's best interest as priority.

But seriously, ladies, just because a BM does certain things and she's continually hindering the relationship - as well as not following court orders - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!! But understand it goes both ways! If the Father is not doing his part as he is ordered - let alone morally - expect the same thing. I guess be grateful the only smack in the face you're getting is the title of a "dead beat dad" but since when do we give a crap what the BM's opinion is of either our husbands or us? Yeah I wish it could be correct, based on facts, not opinions of what happened between the 2 etc....but obviously we are in a crazy world where these BM's think they have all the power in the world. Sorry.....each parent has EVERY right to be a part of their kids lives.

We live in a country here where even parents in jail have rights! Come on! Take advantage of the outside possiblities......


I agree. I think to often people are to afraid to go to court and just complain about things. If i dont like something I go to the judge. Hell I had to go to the judge to have my ex put our daughter in a car seat because he wanted her in a booster seat and she was to little. If you want visitation or commumication then go get it, its not only BMs fault, its Dads fault for not going after what he deserves.

Leaha - posted on 05/25/2009

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The problem in this sittuation, is that we live in Ohio, and have to go threw the courts. She (SD) lives in Kentucky. REally difficult when out of state. Plus, we are barely able to feed ourselves forking out child support to 2 ungreatfull exes, we can't afford to go back to court right now. We document as much as we can, so when we are able to fight this one, we can. It's just rediculous that she can't even keep a working number. Honestly it's kind of nice not having to deal with that ex though. The one here in Ohio, drives me batty enough, with still being envolved in the family and all. I just have the understanding that when you divorce, you kind of cut ties with the in-laws. Not completely, but you just MOVE ON. This one can't... She's shoved up MY in-laws butts 24/7. I wish someone would just tell her to MOVE ON, but I shouldn't hold my breath. All I get is the "it's for the sake of the kids" bull shit... I'm telling you right now, I'm pregnant, and If these people think that they are going to be all nicey nice with me now and try to be all in it for "the baby and kids" they can forget it. First impressions last a lifetime with me, and for 3 years now I've been put down and called names and not been envolved. I've felt like the "3rd wheel" because every "family" event with my husband, she's there, and I'm just the slut he's married to now. Last time I checked, they were divorced and my husband doesn't practice Morman. GOD I hate that woman!!!!!!!!!!

Ahh, my rants done for today.....

Catrina - posted on 05/24/2009

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Sorry if I sounded rude, not how I meant it. We are letting the court speak for itself so to speak. My husband was just in court March 23rd, and will be back in there in the next few weeks. It's no longer a possibility that things can be correctly dealt with between the BM we deal with, she's out right said "I will not attempt to discuss any possible changes in the court order. These are to be done through court only, as that is what I feel is in our best interest" Really? You don't want to be able to walk into court saying - we talked about this outside of mediation, in mediation and still could not agree.....

But the telephone issues -- we are in the middle of a battle with access. There is a set time my SK's are to have a weekly phone call with their father. Outside that arranged time, if they miss his call they are suppose to callback within 24 hours (never happens) but he doesn't quit trying. But anyhow, BM sat in court telling the judge that she could not provide a time every week that she was home during the week...but the home number is the ONLY number my husband is able to attempt to reach his kids. BM has blocked our cell phone and home phone from calling her cell phone - which is the best point of contact since they are rarely home but to sleep.

Again we can be irritated and upset that these people are making things so much more complicated, with it is soooo simple. But you sometimes have to chop it up as one of those ---- IT IS WHAT IT IS ----

Hoping that a child will eventually see how much their father tried, won't be backed so much with words. Through courts is a good way of documentation. We aren't allowed to show the kids any documents, but they have seen the 4 binders that we have from all the interactions and court battles he's had to go through in order to get to see them like he does.

A court will get tired of seeing you back into the courts month after month when you are in ther telling them that the BM is not following the orders....I know that's what ours does. However we don't go in pointing fingers. We've always gone in there ----- I am permitted this, and this is what I get.....never never never does my husband play the "She doesn't do this" "She won't let me do this" ==== it's the one time that the opinion of the parent is best to be displayed. If that makes sense.

My SS is having surgery on Wednesday and we are only permitted to speak to him at 8 am our time (which is the middle of bringing our 3 boys to school - I can't drive with my health issues so it has to be my husband, and in California you can't drive and talk on the phone) He's not permitted to call BM's cell ph - she won't unblock our numbers - for him to talk to him right before he goes into the OR, not even when he wakes up. BM has stated that she is going to be there and will provide to his needs and support - because she is all he needs. We know it's BS...but fine. She can say it - but there are ways to get around it - so yeah we're making the hospital get involved. More things to be explained "Why did he need to send court papers to the Surgeon's office, and OR nurses station to talk to his son prior to surgery? Why did you not let him speak to his son when he was awake after surgery, or when he got home? Being groggy is expected, but why was dad not allowed to talk to his son"

You either got to go full force or not at all. If you can't do the visits as ordered, ask for them to be temporarily suspended, for 6 months say. Then go back to court and see if you're in a better place to change them. There's nothing wrong with saying that. But seriously phone contact needs to be MUCH more than a birthday phone call. Get weekly freaking phone calls, and emails - have it ordered that email communication be kept weekly as well.

(sorry to rant...it's been a long day)

Catrina - posted on 05/24/2009

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Get it in a court order! Get the BM on contempt charges if it's not followed!! I'm sorry but how many chances are people going to give the other parent who's preventing them from doing their court ordered time? Now if there isn't a court order, get one. Keep tabs and don't be afraid to file contempt charges. I know here in California - we don't need a lawyer at all.....it's been thrown out there during previous court hearings, so now it comes down to being techinical and using the actual form and filing. But here if contempt charges are filed, ANY pending case is put on hold until the contempt charge is addressed....so if it comes down to seeing your SD then maybe file, and then tell the judge you are willing to drop the contempt charges just so you can see her. Then it's already on the documents, and it also allows the courts to see that Dad is willing to step back and take the child's best interest as priority.

But seriously, ladies, just because a BM does certain things and she's continually hindering the relationship - as well as not following court orders - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!! But understand it goes both ways! If the Father is not doing his part as he is ordered - let alone morally - expect the same thing. I guess be grateful the only smack in the face you're getting is the title of a "dead beat dad" but since when do we give a crap what the BM's opinion is of either our husbands or us? Yeah I wish it could be correct, based on facts, not opinions of what happened between the 2 etc....but obviously we are in a crazy world where these BM's think they have all the power in the world. Sorry.....each parent has EVERY right to be a part of their kids lives.

We live in a country here where even parents in jail have rights! Come on! Take advantage of the outside possiblities......

Jaime - posted on 05/24/2009

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Ah Leaha, how awful for him not to beable to talk to her. It is horrible to have no phone number to contact her at. Being called a dead beat dad is not what he is, from everything we have chatted about I can tell you he is as much a dead beat as my husband would be............... They are wonderful fathers, and because they do not bend to the beck and call of the ex they get the title DEAD BEAT.

That is the million dollar question "i hope she know's her daddy has tired". Keep loving her, and when she is an adult hopefully he will beable to have a great conversation with her and explain his side of the situation. That's all we ever hope for..................

Sarah - posted on 05/24/2009

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That is terrible, I am so sorry! Is there anything he can do through the courts to ensure he is able to be in contact with his daughter?

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