Sherri - posted on 01/19/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )
We've been having a lot of problems lately with BM confiding in my SS about visitation. After a LOT of behavioural problems with my SS, we invited BM to our home for a meeting with his counsellor. She had NOTHING productive to contribute... other than to tell the cousellors that my SS tells her he wants to live with her (what grounded child wouldn't say that in anger?). I brought up to the counsellor that I don't think that BM or my SS understands his diagnosis of O.D.D. and that part of his disorder is that he is defiant and combative with the primary authority figure in his life; therefore. a change of venue isn't a solution and that we need to come up with something that will work at BOTH houses and that jumping houses and running away from his problems is not a solution. She actually had the gull to say to me "well, if you want to play THAT game, he says that YOU'RE the problem. (yes, because I'm in any way responsible for him refusing to do his chores, lying, destroying others property and stealing) She then suggested a week on-week off scenario, then suggested that she get an extra day with him every other Sunday (adding a day to her weekends).
Before we could decline or accept her "suggestion", she had already discussed her "ideas" with my SS, getting his hopes up and now he's acting out even more because we're "trying to keep him from his mom"..... this is not the case AT ALL, but we're not sure how much of that we should be explaining to him. The problem is that he's 14, but with the maturity and responsibility level of an 8 year old. He seems to have NO ability to think about the consequesnces of his actions and only thinks in the moment. I guess you could say he's driven by his need for instant gratification.
Do we simply tell him that visitation and custody issues are between the adults and leave it at that? I don't want him thinking that we're keeping him from a relationship with his mother, but I don't want to fully tell him the truth either....
His mother is given extra time on a regular basis-an extra few hours here and there, we agreed to an earlier pick up time over Christmas break and then gave her 2 extra days ON TOP of that. We've never said no when she wants to pick up my SS for a few hours on a weekend that is ours for lunch or a special ocasion, but it's not enough for her.... she tells my SS that we "won't give her extra time" because we won't allow him to stay there on a school night when he doesn't have a bed or a bedroom, comes home in a bad mood because he stayed up watching TV (his bed is the living room sofa) or ends up late for school. Extra time is fine, but she doesn't want it unless it's on HER terms and provided that she doesn't have to go out of her way (never mind his schedule) even to the extent that his cadets is a 5 minute walk from her house and she doesn't go to that to spend some time with him and participate in something that's important to him. She was even supposed to go to a cadet event in May and take him out for dinner afterward, but never showed up, but it's US keeping them apart? My SS's short memory seems to forget all of this. It seems that she only brings up extra time to my SS or if there are counsellors in the room to hear her wonderful mommy suggestions (go super mom that is 2 months behind on child support)... funny that she hasn't asked for extra time since my SS's birthday in APRIL...... and she dropped him off an hour early. It's almost like she makes suggetions that she KNOWS we're going to say no to because of other plans that she KNOWS we have or unfit circumstances (like him staying over there on a school night when he has no bed or bedroom) in order to set my SS off at our house.
How do we deal with this?