Can't get a hold of BM

Heidi - posted on 10/26/2009

Well my stepson is almost 19 and we don't have a clue where his mother is. We haven't seen or heard from her in almost 3 years. I know my stepson is basically an adult but thats not the point. She has missed out on so much in his life as it is. He is her only child, so why would any mom or dad for that matter treat there flesh and blood that way is beyond me. She has even sold all of my stepson things that were at her house for some cash. One time she even had the nerve to ask my husband her ex for money! She said she needed it for rent and the dog. We all knew she was doing drugs and drinking heavily, so I told my husband under no circumstances was he to give her a dime, and he told me not to worry because he wasn't going to. We do everything for my stepson and have now for almost 7 years now. My stepson use to live with us one week and one week with his mom, but almost 7 years ago she decided he should live with us full time. She has never paid a cent for her son. Mind you when my stepson started working she would call him and ask for money! I couldn't believe it. At first he would give her money, but soon realized she was using him and when he decided to not give her money any longer, she backed away and has nothing to do with him anymore.

I totally feel for you and your situation. All I can tell you is love those children with all you have. They obviously need stability in there life and someone to love and care for them.

Johanna - posted on 10/24/2009

Hey, she sounds unfitt! In case of emergancy, never where around! yep your husbands right go to court, the 11yr old is old enough the court will listen. Get records of all the unreachable moments! If you can show and prove you are more stable than her DO IT! I've been there and you can't understand "HOW a woman who gave birth to such lovely children" can just use them as pawns for $$$$. If she can't get her crap together by now, she won't! It sounds like she cares more about herself than her kids! The courts may award you guys temp custody due to the situation that the BM can care less to be around in emergancies, school has that record of who they reach and when! She will like the freedom of no kids and may not even contest when the judge calls you all back to see how the kids are adapting. Do it for the kids sake! It is a pain in the butt, but the best intrest of the kids are more important. Have your husband call the courts and ask for advice on what to do, if you can't get a lawyer.

Jena - posted on 10/24/2009

Report her to the child protective services or fight for custody. She sounds like a real winner. My ex was the same way. Talk to the teachers get involved in their school ignore her and be the better parents. When it comes time to go to court ask those same teachers, friends and other family to write letters on your behalf it worked for me and my new hubby when my kids were little my ex tried to take my baby girl from me and I buried him under the court house with letters regarding our parenting. Make sure to make the points that you can give them a two parent home and that one of you is always available if the school needs you . Get a note book and keep track of unanswered calls from either yourself or the school. Keep track of recieving kids sick and how often that occurs. and whatever you do don't tip your hand be nice even if you have to throw up later lol

Donna - posted on 10/24/2009

OMG!! It is so good to hear I am not alone! For 27 years I have dealt with BM's, yes 2 of them, and it was hell most of the time. My husband had 2 very young daughter when we met and married. The girls are grown now, and at least one of them has grown to love me and understand that I raised her as if she were my own since she was 2 years old. The other one is just like her BM, a user, and liar. I don't blame it all on her, her BM taugh her well. She always said she didn't want to be like her, but the mother/child bond runs so deep. We don't have any kind of relationship with her anymore, or our precious granddaughter that we love so much, because the s-daughter had to pick one and she chose the BM. The BM always hated me, had it out for me, never thought of me as a co-parent even though her daughter was with me over half the time and eventually came to live with us at age 14. It was hell. I hate her for what she has done to her daughter, and what she has done to us. It is all very sad.

Thanks to all of you wonderful women who get up everyday and work so hard to love and nurture a child that is not yours by blood. It is a thankless position to be in a lot of the time, but there are rewards in the end. I have a beautiful s-daughter that has given me 2 beautiful grandsons, and she loves me and appreciates everything I did for her. Her half sister will learn someday that I was not her enemy, but most likely it will take her a long, long time.

Lisa - posted on 10/24/2009

Thanks, Chris.
You know what I don't understand? Actually, I do - she's their mother...

but I am constantly amazed at how devoted THEY are to HER....

It's a testament to how strong the mother/child bond is. In my case, I wish they weren't *so* attached to her. But, well, she's their mother.

But so am I. We're all still fairly new to each other. In December, it will be only one year since we all met (except for me and the 3 year old - that's been about a year) - the girls and I. And things are so wonderful in just under a year. I think to myself, just give us 5, 10 years..... it will be undoubtably wonderful (and challenging).

My husband and I decided to pool money together to get a lawyer to try to lower his child support amount (he still pays as though we don't have them 50/50) and to try to make her get a job or at least not go to school using HIS child support money.

wish us luck!

Thank you to all the ladies who've answered this thread. You mean a lot to me.

Chris - posted on 10/24/2009

LOL!!! I know the feeling. My stepson's mom is married and has never worked (public assistant and child support from us.) My stepson always complain about his mom to me when we see him every other weekend. I agree with Meg. At least these have to to care fr them. God knows what will happen to them without you caring for them. I hope things will look up for you. Good Bless.

Lisa - posted on 10/24/2009

Thanks, Holly!!!

Holly - posted on 10/24/2009

Oh Lisa! I feel for you hun! I don't really have any advice, but know I'm here if you need to talk! I'll be thinking of you!

Lisa - posted on 10/23/2009

Meg, you're right.
Guess what I just found out? We needed her to get a job so we could have day care assistance at this GREAT montessori school for our youngest and she said she wasn't going back to work, she was going to live on unemployment and child support.

And that she'd look after him while i'm at work.

arrrrrghhhh!!! That school would have been GREAT for him. It would have really brought him out of his shell. I'm so mad I could spit.

Thanks for talking with me today.

Girlio - posted on 10/23/2009

You should be proud, you should be grateful, at least the nurse did have you to call! At least the 11 year old had you to nurse her fever and take care of her. You are the one providing a positive role model! BE PROUD! Not to mention, be happy that these kids at least have YOU, because some kids aren't even that lucky.

Lisa - posted on 10/23/2009

Thanks Meg M. I'm sorry for your situation, it sounds equally frustrating!!

Girlio - posted on 10/23/2009

LOL OH MY! I think we are talking about the same woman! LOL - MY Oh what to call her....anyways, also won't work, has had utilities shut off, has been driving with no ins./reg on her car (can't afford it), and JUST yesterday told us she has no $$ for groceries for the kids...BUT don't worry! She has cable TV to babysit the children while she is on the INTERNET dating and giving out her CELL phone number, so these random men don't call the HOUSE phone incase the children answer...BUT won't answer an unknown number whether it be the school or the father from my phone, or the doctor's office, MUCH LESS the hospital from which we tried calling her when her daughter was in a bike accident with broken bones, a concussion and multiple bruises and cuts - AND these children "are her whole life" I hear you! It is SO frustrating! I think the reason they hate us so much is because we are in fact a threat to them. We are amazing women/mothers/people/humans and they KNOW this and know we are so much better than them! So if they would pull up their sox do their job as a mother let alone outside the home I guess they wouldn't have to worry about us being better than them would they?