Can the non-custodial parent make decisions about pets?

Nancy - posted on 08/17/2009

Lucky for you cell phones don't chew on furniture or pee on the floor!

Jessica - posted on 08/15/2009

My husband and I were pissed when the same thing recently happened, but with a cell phone instead of a puppy! I can't imagine how I'd feel if it were something living!!! I feel for you... I think you handled it really well. We did something similar - making it about the "you didn't talk to us" issue instead of everything that was really going through our heads. (But since it was just a cell phone we let her keep it with a lot of ground rules)

Nancy - posted on 08/13/2009

Thank you for all the support! Our three kids range from 12-15 years old and usually ask us first before getting a pet. We live in the country, so having animals is not a problem, but managing all these pets could be a problem if we add more. (I recently had a friend visit who brought her dog, and that really put our existing dogs into a twist. I now know from experience four dogs underfoot is too many). Also, guess who currently feeds and cleans up after our three dogs? You'd think it would be the kids, who begged and pleaded to get the dogs in the first place, but no, my husband and I care for the pets. And yes, I would be the one at home potty training the new puppy.

While it would be nice of a friend or relative to care for the puppy near us, I don't know many people who want an Boarder Collie puppy (one of the most active breeds), not yet potty trained, not yet spayed, with no obedience training, to live with them.

The kids are encouraged to earn money while at mom's (cleaning or doing farm work) and that's where the pet-purchasing money comes from. I object to them paying for pets at mom's. If she wants a horse, she should pay for it. Also, there are a lot of other things a 15-yr-old boy could be saving up for like a car, an iPod, a laptop, not to mention college.

Currently the BM is suing us for full custody of all three kids. She's the type who ran off when they were babies, doesn't pay child support, and has "kept" the kids at the end of her visitation, instead of returning them to us for the school year. I hate to say it but buying the kids a horse was a way to tie them to her house, and now this puppy incident is most likely intended to make their dad and I look like the "bad guys."

We did come up with a solution to avoid the custody issue. We don't want to drag the kids into this mess, which we feel she is doing. So we're not making it a BM vs. legal guardian issue. We told my stepson that while we hate to say "no" to a puppy, we have to because he didn't ask us first, and he also hasn't proven to be very responsible at our house. We recently learned of some inappropriate behavior and felt letting him get a puppy would just reward that behavior. In a way it's avoiding the issue, but like I said, we don't want to involve the kids and do our best to not badmouth their mom.

When the kids come home, I will be more than willing to sign them up for dog training lessons and agility courses. We have three trainable dogs who'd love the attention, aren't hyper, and are potty trained.

I would LOVE to speak to the BM about what she can and can't do, what she should and shouldn't do, but since she has a major lawsuit aimed at us, we're keeping our lips zipped. Even things said with good intentions are getting twisted and used against us. And hopefully this will all get ironed out in court, and not repeated next year! Thanks again for your supportive messages.

They Call Me Mom! - posted on 08/13/2009

She can buy them pets but it is not ok for her to expect that the children will bring them back to your home without your consent. I am not sure WHY she is doing this, but it isn't ok.
Does your city have an ordinance about the number of animals that you can have. If it does, then you might want to let that be the bad guy. If not, then you need to tell them that they have to leave that dog at their mother's house and she can care for it and keep it for when they visit.

Dad needs to have a talk with bm and tell her that it is not ok that she encourages them to use their money to buy living things that require ongoing care. It is also not ok that she sends these living creatures back to your home without your approval.

Then he will need to have a talk with the kids and explain to them why random pets without consent is not ok. He doesn't have to talk bad about bm, but tell the kids that these animals need ongoing care and are a huge responsibility. If bm wants to keep these animals at her house for when they visit that is fine, but no more will be coming home with them. No exceptions.

How old are these kids? How much money are they sent with for the summer? Why are they sent with that money?

Stand your ground, be united with their dad, and dad needs to have a talk with bm and the kids about this situation. These are the realities.

Betty - posted on 08/12/2009

If you can keep the puppy at someone's home that they visit often that would be great. My sd has a cat that lives at my mother in law's house but she knows it is her cat and when we move to a place that is safe for an indoor/outdoor cat we will take him off her hands. If you can't think of anyone than maybe you should just make some room for one more or try replacing it with a smaller animal that can live in a 3x3 cage. They might just forget about the puppy if you let them pick a little critter out at the pet store.

Jessica - posted on 08/11/2009

I would let the kids know that they can most definitely keep the dog, but since you weren't consulted, and you already have enough pets at your home, the puppy can stay at their mom's house. That way, if their mom won't keep it, then SHE is the bad guy. Make it clear that they are not to bring the dog home with them, as there is just no room. Say you are very sorry, but because the dog was intended to live at your house, you should have had input in the decision.

Brandee - posted on 08/11/2009

Wow! Have you and/or hubby discussed this with BM?! Let her know that you understand her want to buy for the kids, etc..(Not with sarcasm, lol) But unfortunately, it makes it very difficult for you to have to tell the kids no after the fact. I would say if she chooses to have pets at her house for the kids, that's her business, but she really doesn't have the right (and should have the respect) to not offer up extra expense (and less room) in your household.

Glenda - posted on 08/10/2009

Wow, that's a terrible situation she puts you and your husband in. Unfortunately, that seems to be the norm for the non-custodial parent. You didn't mention how old the kids were, but it sounds like they are old enough to understand the truth in the matter that there isn't any more room at the inn. They are smarter than we give them credit for and probably already see through her manipulative gestures. I think that you can say 'no' and have every right to do so. I also think they will be ok with it, especially if you point out how much the current pets are loved by them. After this summer, I would make a point to light heartedly joke about what they will try to come home with next visit. This will also make them think about the situation the biomom put you in and they will (hopefully) understand. Good luck!