Christmas Catastrophe

Jenn - posted on 12/14/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Ok, here's the story. My 14 year old step-daughter was given a free plane ticket from her BM to come and visit us for Christmas vacation. She now wants to stay with her bio father (my fiance) and I for Christmas Day but her mother is not willing to budge on the topic and expects her back by the 22nd. Now, the back-story is that my fiance has only ever spent 1 Christmas with her (has always been a "NO!" from BM whenever we asked. So, she wants to be able to spend at least 1 more with us since she's already here. So, thinking that BM would possibly let her this time, she calls and BM proceeds to yell, scream and hang up on her, saying that she's making demands and throwing a tantrum when all she had done was ask. Now the situation at BM's place is that she and her boyfriend are splitting up and they want my SD there for "their last Christmas together" and my SD is in the middle of their break-up pinning her as the one that has to be the referee so as you can see, I can tell why she wants to be with us. Personally, I believe it should be her choice where she wants to be and whom she wants to spend Christmas with. I'm not sure what to do, this is ruining our visit with her and she doesn't want to go home.... Is BM right that she should leave and can't spend her 2nd Christmas with us in 14 years?? Any ideas??

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Jenn - posted on 12/23/2011

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Well, the whole things started off when SD was 4. Her Mom disappeared with her for 3 years and nobody knew where she was with BM. One day SD turns up and BM vanishes. 1 year later, BM returns, takes SD and leaves. That's it. SD's been with BM since and has to fly here to see us when WE can afford it. Not once has BM offered to help us pay for it or even suggest that SD should come for a visit. SD has only ever had 1 Christmas with her father and I have never even had one. It's just so sad that BM has to ruin this for all of us just because her relationship is ending and she doesn't want to face it alone. Not something a 14 year old girl should have to deal with, the weight of her BM's world coming to a crashing halt... I just don't see why SD couldn't have stayed and had an actual good Christmas for once. SD has said that all her other ones are complete crap and no fun at all.... I feel for her so badly..

Amy - posted on 12/23/2011

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here in Texas if there is no custody agreement SD did not have to go back, so there for mom can get happy in the pants she got mad in. the cops can not enforce something that is not there.
we live 20 mins. from my SS and we let him tell us when he wants to come and that would go if we lived 1000 miles apart or not he is the one that benefits form all of this.

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I'm sorry to hear the sad news. You guys may want to bring BM to court for an official order or even custody since she's older. It will unfortunately have to be where SD resides where court takes place. Hubby's ex did that to him for 3 years of SD's life. When BM wanted to play nice he got to see SD. When she got pissed she would take SD and leave. He finally took her to court-before we got married. Now we have a set schedule for holidays, parenting time but it is still being refined because BM this way is a control freak as well. Inbox me and I can go over all the gory details with you. SD my way lives 8 hours away from us too.

Jenn - posted on 12/21/2011

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Thanks for the advice ladies but sadly she had to leave yesterday. Everyone here is heartbroken, as is she. The worst part being that BM was so adamant about her leaving but didn't bother to be the one to go and pick her up when she arrived home. BM's Mother's boyfriend was the one to go and get her and she still has not seen or talked to her BM at all yesterday or today. I am so upset and frustrated about this. There was no real reason why she had to leave, only that BM is a control freak. No, there is no custody agreement, BM ran off with her when she was only 4 and has never moved back. It's all been a mess of crap since. It's a really LONG story. But either way, we are once again without her on Christmas.... Happy Holidays to us... :(

Olga - posted on 12/19/2011

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That's really sad to hear. BM is definately in the wrong. Main thing here is whether there are Custody rights in place. If yes, then there is not much choice but to go with it, as it will be seen as violation. I assume you are from US. In Australia in that situation you would have an option of having her stay and if the BM put in a Contravention application, you wuld have a good defence as of the isues going on. The child is old enough to make decision, I believe.
Good luck xoxo

MamaTo3 - posted on 12/14/2011

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Geez. I don't understand BM's thinking at all. If your relationship is bad enough that you're splitting up, why would you WANT to put your kid in the middle of that just to say you spent one last holiday together, when your kid could have a more peaceful, enjoyable holiday with the other parent?? Sounds like BM is using her daughter selfishly as a personal comfort as her love life is rocky, which shouldn't be a burden on any 14 year old's shoulders. And morally, at that age SD's wishes and opinions should at least be taken into SOME degree of consideration when making decisions! Especially when it comes to christmas, and if she never gets to spend it with her dad. IMO that's not fair to any child to never let them spend a major holiday with the other parent. Not to mention the fact that if things aren't good with BM and her partner, BM should view it as being in her daughter's best interest emotionally right now to get a break from what's going on at home. But if BM is too selfish to consider her daughter's feelings and emotional well-being then unfortunately, legally, it all depends on your custody/visitation schedule. Are there any provisions in your court order for how to split up holiday visitations?

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