daughter./step-dad relationship

Molly - posted on 04/12/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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A couple of days ago, my husband and my daughter got into a yelling match. She had taken his clothes out of the dryer and placed them on the table. He became extremely angry and screamed at her. She yelled back... It went on like this until I got out of the shower, put her in her room, and made her apologize for her behavior. He refused to accept her apology and she ended up crying most of the day. This was not the first time they have argued, but I can count on one hand the number of times they have actually yelled at each other in the last 5 years.
My daughter is 15. She is a good kid, does her chores, comes home on time, follows the rules, and is usually well behaved. She is opinionated though and self absorbed in a typical teenage way. For example she will roll her eyes if I tell her to go do her homework, and will talk incessantly about her friends and books she is reading. I look at these as teenaged behaviors, and not particularly offensive. When I asked my husband why he got so angry with her about the laundry, he said that he was SICK of having to deal with her and that she was totally spoiled. He said that he did not like her and couldn't wait till she graduated and went to college. It just about broke my heart.
She isn't spoiled... really. I am a teacher and have been very consistent with her when it comes to discipline. I feel so torn apart... I had no idea that he felt this way about her. They seem to get along well for the most part, and she will give him hugs and tell him she loves him. How can I reconcile this? I am so fiercely protective of my daughter, but love my husband too.

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I agree with Betty... your husband had no reason to get upset about her taking the laundry out of the dryer and placing it on the table... she was doing laundry!! probably her chore, right? so what is his problem with that? I also think he was being very immature about not accepting her apology, but I also feel like she did absolutely nothing wrong to have to apologize for... I think you need to have a talk with your husband about his feelings toward your daughter, and even though you love both of them, I think your daughter did nothing wrong and your husband was out of line... sorry this happened to you and good luck

Betty - posted on 04/14/2010

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Why was rotating the laundry a bad thing to do anyway? Make him understand that he is wrong for acting like that and get him to tell her sorry for his own actions.

Mindy - posted on 04/14/2010

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i think your husband was way out of line, come on laundry. sounds like my own daughter. she is spoiled, but like yours is a good kid. follows the rules and does what she is told without compaint. sounds like to me he has had issues long before now and some counseling or mediation is in order. i can see your point too i would not like to be caught in the middle of them u love them both, make sure they both know that

Candyce - posted on 04/14/2010

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Daughter comes first, every time. She's the one who needs your protection, keep that in mind. Too many mothers choose their husbands over their children and it ends badly. He never should have said he didn't like her, nor should he have engaged in a screaming match with a teenager. He also should have accepted the daughter's apology and offered one of his own. The laundry thing was just a front. It sounds like he needs counseling in a bad way.

Blessed Be

Dannielle - posted on 04/13/2010

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i'm sorry, but your husband not accepting her apology and dragging the arguement out all day paints him as the one who is self absorbed! it is so hard to have step kids around, let alone teenagers, but he also needs to remember who the adult is supposed to be in the relationship!

my sd came to live with us when her mom and sd kicked her out... she was a freshman in hs. i have the feeling the sd was behind the whole thing, and i can't believe her mom allowed it to happen. my sd is a good kid, a-b student, tennis, clubs, ap classes, etc. how her sd could have hated her so much to kick her out i don't know, but i don't know how her mother could have gone along with it.

my dh and i have done a lot of couples counseling to get through these sorts of step parenting issues, i really hope you and your dh can do the same. it has been invaluable to us and has saved our marriage many times.

Megan - posted on 04/12/2010

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Wow, I would have felt defensive as well. This was very insensitive of your husband to say. It is natural to feel protective of our children and this is one of the things that make us good parents. I feel that one of my chief jobs as a parent is to be my daughter's strongest advocate until she is capable of being her own advocate in everything that she does. When she can fill that role herself, I will be her number one supporter.



It may be that they are both dealing with difficult things in their lives and are just taking it out on each other. Family counselling would be my best advice. But it doesn't sound to me like your daughter is doing anything out of the norm for a teenage girl.

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