Dealing with teenage step children

Leaber - posted on 11/23/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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How do you deal with teenager step children that are already set in there way of thinking and attitudes, and every thing you do is wrong in there sight or they are not accustom to doing things the way you what it.

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Rachelle - posted on 11/27/2009

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I can understand your situation having been there myself. Prior to our marriage, my stepson and I got along very well. In fact, his mother and I sat down to discuss how we were to make sure he is aware that he is loved. I would spend time with him and we did fun things together. BUT, all that changed after his father and I got married.



My stepson was very disrespectful to me. He often made reference to me as a "little girl" because I was younger than his father (16 yrs to be exact). His mother would comment negatively about me because I was a career person and she was at home all day long. I felt like I could not do anything right for her son. The boy's mother was very antagonistic towards me and she passed that negativitity onto her son. She would often tell him that he did not have to obey me, which was wrong when he is staying in my home.



Both, mother and son, had bad attitudes and complained about everything I did. My husband and I sat down to discuss some option as to how to reconcile this situation between his son, his former wife, and his new wife (me). The only option left was divorce and we did. I returned to Texas and continued my life.



I'm not saying that divorce is the answer, but for myself, it was. My stepson is still troubled even today and causes trouble to everyone he comes in contact. He is acting out because he wants his parents to get back together. Sometimes, these kinds of children feel that their parents belong together,but they do not see it from their parents point of view.



This is where counseling should be the next option for this situation. If counseling doesn't work, then go to your minister of your church for guidance. But for myself, divorce was the answer because my husband didn't want to confront his former wife or son.

Lisa - posted on 11/24/2009

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OMG. My husband has a 14 year old daughter from his 1st marriage and she is extremely defiant and hateful! Not necessarily directed at me, but to anyone who loves her and tries to reach out to her! I love her as she is part of my husband, but I intensely dislike her and I'm afraid my infant daughter will grow up and pick up on my stepdaughter's lazy, spoiled, foul-mouth habits! I have told her that I'm not here to replace her mom and that she can talk to me about anything that she may not want to share with her parents. She doesn't realize that, as many times as I seemingly sell her out or side with her dad, I also defend her and have sometimes diffused my hubby's temper and temptation to go rip her head off. She uses her dysfunctional family life as an excuse to be a Bitch (for lack of a better word). I had it quite a bit worse than she has in childhood, so I'm insulted every time she plays that card. I have now lost any sympathy or respect for this girl, but I hope she'll find the desire to rise above and better herself someday very soon! Not much of a solution in this, I know. Still searching for one myself. But at least you can take comfort in knowing you are not alone at all! Good luck!

Azaansmommy - posted on 11/23/2009

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OMG/// i have a 15 year old teenage step dau....and all i can say is constant prayer since... for a while i just about have given up since i let that teenage attitude dictate my house.... and its ruining everybody in it and sometimes ...ive had her since she was 6 months so its not that she is new to the rules when she is around... but its for one i blame just part of being a teenager. but what kills me is when they think they know more than you... these new millenium children are something else....so there may not be a real answer for ya ..but we have had good days but sometimes those bad times really outweigh any previous good ya know..ive found that jus chatting with other stepmoms to be helpful for the mental aspect of my self because it can drive you nuts and i refuse to let a child destroy me and hubby ya know ..lol u asked the question and here i am rambling.. my sepciality...... so mrs alexander...stay strong...

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Genevieve - posted on 11/30/2009

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You are so welcome, I am sorry to hear none of that has worked. Do you have your step son the most or is he with his mom? I total understand I was worn out as well. I thought there would never be an end to the madness.It just kept doing what I thought was right. I try to as positive as I could and help him when I could. It was never easy. He fought me all the way. He is now 25 and he say he thinks there were time I was the only one that cared. I was always trying to look out for him. "He said the hardest thing for him was he went from be able to do what ever he wanted to rule and restriction." But he now they help now. Just hang in there stick to your rules and restrictions...He has been given the chance to be a part of making them.. So I say it your way and someday he'll understand why. You have to do whats right for everyone in the family and in the best interest!
He lie on you? To Who Dad or ? I say record what you say ..keep a long. If you make a deal or agreement write it up on a letter and both of you sing it. Then maybe he can't say that not what you said...Ect... Well I hope maybe some of this will help wish you the best of luck. Love to here from you again. Take care

Veronica - posted on 11/27/2009

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I really didn't think anyone knew how I felt. I am raising 2-13 year old step daughters, my own 11 year old, 3 year old and 2 year old. Not only that I have to deal with 2 different "baby mamas" for lack of a better term. I get a long ok with one mother but the other is ridiculous. For the last 7 years I have help raise her own flesh and blood. I have been to every pee wee drill team performance, every basketball, volleyball, soccer, and softball game, and every school event. The "REAL MOM" as she refers to herself has just decided this year to be involved with her daughter. Its so heartbreaking to me to have watched this child sit there and cry her eyes out because her mom was no where to be found for more than half these events for the 6 years before. But now that she has taken an interest guess who gets put to the the side. Guess who gets the bad attitude and disrespect when things don't go the way they do "at my mom's house". So I decided to sit the both of them down and tell them if they don't like the way things are going her at "MY HOUSE" then they were more than welcome to sit their father down and tell him they wanted to go live with "THEIR REAL MOM". I told them I was not going to change for one this is my house and I have been here since day 1 and I am not going anywhere. And their moms DO NOT RUN MY HOUSE and neither do they. Of course the conversation with their dad never happened and they have maintained the attitude for the most part. Of course it comes out everyone in awhile.. they are teenagers. But for the thing that bothered me was that what they were doing my 3 and 2 year old were doing to them and they decided to yell and scream at them. Ha... So that's when I had no choice but to turn it over to dad. Because I was close to losing my cool with them. So needless to say he had to sit them down and explain that when I say something they should respect it like he was saying it and their moms do not run this house. It helps so much to have a GODLY man as my husband. He does stand by me and we do have great communication with each other. Sorry that I rambled on but I think I needed some where to do it that might understand where I am coming from

Kim - posted on 11/26/2009

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Kelly, if telling my step daughter that this is my house and my rules was that easy and she followed them, I would not have had to tell her to get out. She is 17 and thinks she runs our house. She doesnt listen and thinks she can TELL us what she is and isnt going to do.. I wish it was that easy!!

Kim - posted on 11/26/2009

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I understand where you are coming from. It's one of those tough love situations where it is hard to tell them to get out but you cant have them in your house either. But like I have told many other people, if you think you can do something better with her than please be my guest.. It is not as easy as alot of people think. Teenage girls are moms nightmares.. The evilness I have seen come out of her has been scary sometimes.. And if familes continue to bail these out of control kids out of their bacd situations, from their bad choices, we are in for some big trouble down the road.. GOOD LUCK!!

Erica - posted on 11/26/2009

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To Kim Grossman-I want to applause you. I am sick of this world thinkin' that since someone is family you have to stick up for them and help them and I'm here to tell you, you can love someone and still kick them out if they are not doin' right. If they don't abide by your rules, then maybe that's the only thing that will teach them. They can't be babied their whole lives and they have to learn responsibility. My sis in law is 30 and is still livin' at home, no job, everyone bails her outta jail and gives her money. I'm soooo sick of it!

Nikitress - posted on 11/25/2009

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Dealing with teenage stepchildren is a day by day thing for me. I took the approach that I'm not your mother that you have a mother and I even encourage them to have contact with their mother. I have stepdaugthers, one 18 and the other is 16. At this point I am just counting down. Sadly we don't really have a relationship. It is mostly hi and bye. I tried to establish a relationship with them years ago when they first came to live with us but they were not interested. Over the years many situations and incidents have occurred that further divided us such as lying, stealing and being ungrateful. At Leaber, How involved is your husband> Does he defend you or make the kids mind you? Dealing with teenagers is difficult. the bottom line is that this is your house and regardless to how they feel about you they will respect you and your house.

Kim - posted on 11/25/2009

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I totally understand where all of you are coming from. I have a 17 year old step daughter that I have had since she was 3 that I love dearly, her good for nothing druggie of a mother passed away when she was 9 (lucky me). Growing up, she loved me to pieces, the day she turned 13 she hatted me and when I had my daughter, watch out.. She is now a bitch on wheels, we have paid allot of money that we dont have for her to have a great education and go to catholic schools all her life, along with volleyball clubs and teams. She in her jr year in high school decided to drop out of school, get involed in smoking cigs and didnt stop there, drinking with friends, and started sex @ 14 and since has had 6 different partners. She refuses to go to school and says she will ONLY home school. NOT an option. So we have FINALLY decided to kick her out and she gets nothing but pitty from her family, allthough they all know and think she is wrong. We should let her live in our house after dropping out of school, no job and lazy lying around our house all day.. NOT HAPPENING.. I love her dearly and have for the past 14 years, but I am going crazy here and have reached my limit...

Samantha - posted on 11/25/2009

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It takes a lot of patience. All teens go through this faze. I spoiled I gave if I wanted them to do something. It worked with one. The other I had to take things. Take their likes and dilikes and use them against them.

Azaansmommy - posted on 11/24/2009

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@ lisa. bartrug.... i didnt start this converstation but i must say anyway thanks for your post...i hate to say it but i.m glad i.m not alone and someone else can write my thoughts our for me since iw as just reading yur post and thinking.. lisa must have a nanny cam in my house somewhere.... my stepdau i.ve had since she was a toddler so she knows the ropes and she knows who all is really inher corner but its quite funny to see her move about in her small small world of just 15 years and thinks she knows wayy more than those of us that were here 25 years b-4 she was even thought of... and its like she takes the bad from both paretns and uses this for her excause for doing things... well my daddy did this when he was 15 so what.. well my mother did this when she was 15 so what.....i dont know what its gonna take to make some of these children see the light sad to say but its gonna have to be something drastic..i just dont know what.......

Becki - posted on 11/24/2009

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i am fairly new at dealing with teenage stepchildren. they are now 16 & 13 and it has been a few years. what works the best for me is to try not to be their mother. i treat them as adults in my home. as with anyone, no matter what age, i demand repect in my home. i try not to raise my voice, especially when i am correcting them on something. that only creates more tension. i can honestly say we all get along pretty good and there is mutual respect. it is also very important that you and your husband stand together in all decisions. the kids have to see that you two are a team! best of luck!!

Leaber - posted on 11/23/2009

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Kelly, you do have a point their, standing my ground. I think I have given up my ground, because i felt bombarded from all sides in this situation. ans at times to keep peace in the house i tend to leave them up to their father for correction.

Leaber - posted on 11/23/2009

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Genevieve, thank for the advice.... we have tried family meetings .... we have given the kids an opportunity to voice their opinions to help make decisions. I feel so worn out with this situation. above it all I seem to have to deal with meddling cousins and their mother who seem to encourage their lack of respect . I have tried not to complain but it's really hard when they lie on you, steal from you, you just name it my step kids does it. I have now to deal with my son, displaying some of the disrespectfully attitudes of my step. after 4yrs I really thought it would be getting better but it's not.

Genevieve - posted on 11/23/2009

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I would have to day I am step parent...I start with teenagers! I think one of the most important things to do like with just about any kid or teen is to listen to them, and try to come to an agreement. Yes there needs to be rules but it is much easier when starting with a teen to have them help make them... It a little give and take because you said it your self ...they are set in their ways as we are But, we need to understand it a lot for everyone to handle. Sometime they don't and they take it out on us! That the part of being a kid and not understanding. So have a family meeting talk with the teen listen and ask them to help with making rules that everyone can maybe agree on. It dose make it easier if they think it their idea. They will help to stick to it. Doesn't mean you can't offer up your ideas as well. Make it one of the first family meeting with many more to come , make them fun... most important the listen part, if we can't hear we cant fix it! My step kid are know 30 and 25 one of each.. I hope this help~
Gen

Kelly - posted on 11/23/2009

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It takes time. Remember this is a big adjustment for both of you. But you DO need to keep your ground. Your house,your rules.

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