Desperate!!!!!

Tiffany - posted on 01/22/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I am desperate on what to do here..I tried to post something earlier , but decided i was just placing blame and decided to rewrite this....So here it goes I am the mother of 3.. My 11 year old daughter..my 2 year old son ...and my 7 year old step daughter...I am feeling resentful towards my step daughter, her mother, and even my husbands mother. Now Just a little back ground..until I came into the picture 4 years ago..my husband didn't have much of a relationship with his daughter. But after being with him a little while I started realizing it wasn't all his fault... between his ex and his own mother they didn't leave him much room..and since my husband didn't fill out his parenting plan..he didn't have much rights...so basically they made all the choices for her..about a year after we got together I set down with my husband and helped him fill one out.. I was pregnant and he wanted his whole family together even if it was half the time..he just wanted his rights...after 6 months of waiting. He called the family Law masters office to find out..they lost it...so this discouraged my husband. After that he and the ex tried to be civil and we started getting her more..but we weren't allowed to have her on Saturday nights and Sundays, because that was his moms time. Well at this point he was happy just to have her..A few months after our son was born...she stopped coming as much...she told her mother I was mean to her..well we asked her why she thought I was mean..she replied because i made her pick up after herself, and sit still why I brushed her hair(which takes time its very long and very thick) Well then his mom stepped in and was like she is to little to be making her clean up after herself. She was 5 at this time. So this is when I started feeling this way. On top of that we caught her telling her mom on the phone things like... I will tell you...I promise mommy I don't like her..and telling her lies. Like that I said I didn't like her little sister. (bio mothers other daughter). Then to top things off my husbands mother makes such a difference with my kids. She will go buy my SD new clothes and shoes. Then go to the thrift store to buy for my children..her excuse is she cant find her size at the thrift store. . Believe me it doesnt bother me to use second hand things that are nice...But I think they need treated equally.I know this sounds petty. But she even has a bedroom at her house for my SD. I can see the difference in the little things as well like the way she is with them...its different.. My husband has seen it to. But he makes excuse for her and tells me to leave it alone. Because its his fault because he wasn't in her life like should have been. ...and right to his face when he said he was getting a lawyer a going back to court his own mother started crying and said "you don't take a child from its mother" and I said we are not trying to do that. Your son just wants his rights, She looked straight at me and said" you never had to share your daughter, because her real dad has never been there. So you don't know what its like." This really hurt me.,,,mainly because she said it right in front of my daughter.My daughter would never talk about it. But I know that had to hurt her. I think this whole situation is so messed up. .I honestly think she doesn't want him to do it. Because then she wouldn't have the control she does..I just don't know what to do...Am I wrong for feeling this way??????

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Deborah - posted on 01/22/2010

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"but we weren't allowed to have her on Saturday nights and Sundays, because that was his moms time"

Your husband has to put his foot down. I know that grandparents are very important to children but his relationship with his daughter is more important then her relationship with his mom.

"she told her mother I was mean to her..well we asked her why she thought I was mean..she replied because i made her pick up after herself, and sit still why I brushed her hair"

Kids will always say these things, don't take it to heart. It is very important for children to learn reponsiblity even from an early age. You are doing the right thing and anyone who tells you otherwise needs to re-evaluate their motives. Do they just want to be the "fun" person or do they want to help this child grow into a wonderful young person?

"...But I think they need treated equally.I know this sounds petty"

Petty? Are you crazy? lol You are right on the mark. Your children should all be treated equally. You can not coddle a child just because of their situation. Your step daughter has just as much a chance to grow up happy and healthy as your kids. Why would anyone want to make her feel like shes different?

"you don't take a child from its mother"

God what BS. Why is a father less important? I believe in the tender years charge (children of a certain age should be with their mothers) only if the mom is breastfeeding. Other then that, what can she do that he can't??? (Grr stupid people)

" you never had to share your daughter, because her real dad has never been there. So you don't know what its like."

You really don't know what its like. Neither do I. But most people have a general idea of right and wrong. Try not to harbour too much resentment towards these people because it is obviously just as hard on them to watch their family go through this, she just doesn't seem to see the whole picture.

"...Am I wrong for feeling this way??????"

NO! However there is not much you can do about it. Just try to support your man, and try to understand your MIL. Don't waste emotion and energy on hating these people, you have lots of people in your life that need your love, and your good example!

I have a story similar, and yet very different from yours. I can not share it publicly but if you are interested send me a message and I'll get back to you.

Hang in there. I know its hard.

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