Sherri - posted on 11/14/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )
My SS and his mother are in this constant state of unrest. After the death of TWO loved ones, his mother taking NO interest in his emotional welfare. He was at camp and in another province most of the summer. He was scheduled to see his mother for 2 weeks (broken up) in the summer. He was with her from Sunday night to Wednesday the second week. She brought him home on Wednesday to do his paper route and then refused to bring him back the other 2 days, so he came home. That was the end of August. Then, she was scheduled to see him the second week of September and she cussed him out, swore at him, told him not to come for the weekend, promply hung up on him and deleted him from her facebook friends simply because he gave her hell and asked her (upset but respectfully) why she didn't call him and/or care that his aunt had just died. Seriously... he was sitting 3 feet away from me during this conversation. Then he was at cadet camp and then we were in Florida, so she didn't see him for 11 weeks. Here's the kicker.... she lives TEN minutes away from us and a 5 minute walk from his cadet corps.
Bio moms mother died on Haloween. Bio mom actually wanted my SS to go over to her house that night because she was "all alone". My SS didn't want to deal with it and chose to go to the movies with his girlfriend instead. He told me he didn't want to go and was worried that she'd be mad at him and I told him that his mother is an adult and can phone a friend if she didn't want to be alone and that it was not his responsibility to make his mother feel better. I also told him that people grive in their own way and at their own pace and if he felt that he needed to take some time and absorb the info and blow off some steam, well, he's entitled to that. She was PISSED at him for it which is so selfish. She then left the following day (Sunday) and came back Saturday and didn't call him until MONDAY. Honestly..... didn't bring him to his own grandmothers funeral... nothing.
So, this brings us to the other day. My SS got busted taking things that don't belong to him. Nothing huge, he just took my hand lotion and a flashlight..... fine. BUT, he took them out of a closed drawer in my nightstand in my room. So, I gave him hell for it and expressed that if he wants to use something of mine, he's to ask and not take and that my room is off limits. Futhermore, I told him that if he does use something of mine, he's to return it or he won't be using my things.... simple, no? So, I guess given everything that's been going on lately, he'd supressed some emotions and UNLOADED on us. So, he got himself grounded. Then he decided to give me a half hearted sorry. I accepted his apology and 2 hours later, he wants off his grounding. He was of course told no. That a "sorry" doesn't all of a sudden void the punishment. So, he flipped out, screaming that he hates me, hates it here and wants to go live with his mother..... lemme tell you, that STUNG. I'm the primary caregiver to that kid and have been for 5 plus years..... talk about being unappreciated.
So, I did something and looking back, I'm not sure if I did it as a wake up call or out of malice because I was hurting and I wanted to hurt him back. I told him that he wouldn't survive 3 months with his mother because she can't handle a simple argument on the phone with him, shuns him like a lepor and deletes him from facebook for voicing his feelings and opinions (even when he does it in a respectful way). I reminded him that his mother gives up weekends with him when he has cadet events becuase she finds getting him to mandatory events too inconvenient. I reminded him that she rarely calls him. I reminded him that she's never been to a parent/teacher interview, or asked to take him out for dinner (only living 10 minutes away, you'd think that a mother would want to see her son more than 4 days a month), or not once been to his cadet practices 5 minutes (walking) from her house and reminded him that he doesn't even so much as have a bed at her house (he sleeps on the couch). At the end of those few things, I REALLY lost it. I told him that his mother took us to court a year ago to enforce visitation (we ceased her visits when police were called for a domestic disturbance, she refused to give us any info, assure us of his safety, go to counselling or tell us where she was living). I told him that his mother wrote in her application that she believes it's in his best interest to continue to live with us and only see her every other weekend, so she obviously doesn't want him living there. He said "she says she does and that YOU guys are being controlling". So, I drove home my point and said "Fine. If your mother wants custody so badly, this weekend when you see her, tell her to throw down a few thousand bucks and take us to court for custody"... knowing full well that she doesn't and won't. I started to walk away and turned back. I told him that I wasn't out to get his mother. I told him that it's OK and that he should love his mother and see her and have a relationship with her, but he needs to be realistic about where he's best off living and that if he'd just follow the 4 rules of our house, he would have no cause to be miserable or "hate it here".
I don't know if I did the right thing. I'm just honestly SO sick of her playing the victim, manipulating her 13 year old son, emotionally crippling him to the point he still hasn't todl her that he's had a girlfriend for 2 months and both of them making us out to be the devil and acting like she cares or things would be so friggin' rosey over there. She doesn't want him and doesn't care. She sees him living there as big dollar signs (my husband makes a good living and child support would be in excess of $450/month) and she wants to be seen as the good guy and wants him to "pick" her. It's not a friggin contest. She needs to care about what's best for him... maybe when he steals, ground him instead of giving him video games. She wants to be the "hero" instead of being a parent and it makes me wanna SCREAM!