do you get along with the bio mom of your Stepchildren?
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
Amanda - posted on 11/27/2012
Danielle B, Carol Gibson, and M F
I so feel for you!!! My relationship with BM, when she cared to be around at all, was just like your stories. I see so much of our relationship in all your posts. Always helps to know we're not alone!
Shell - posted on 09/18/2012
Nope. I just ignore her or I would get so mad at what spews out of her mouth, I don't know what I would do. She is the most fake, selfish, self-involved, delusional, lying snake in the grass that I have ever met. She had me fooled for a few months and my husband would say why are you sticking up for her? Mom-in-law would say.. Don't let her fool you. Well the goggles are off now and she is just a horrible Mom, daughter and friend. Although to my SS I say... "we just do things differently" and "your mom loves you very much" Blah blah. I don't let him know my feelings for that low-life. And I DESPERATELY wish he had a better Mom. I truly do. I just do the best that I can with the amount of time that we have him.
Lindsey - posted on 05/03/2012
I think the more appropriate question is... Is she open to the idea of getting along with me....which is most definitely...NO!
No matter how hard you try to make it work, if the other party is unwilling to work it out, it's not going to.
Danielle - posted on 11/21/2012
Despite my having tried for 11 years now, she and I do not get along.
Some back story: My husband and step-daughter's bio mom dated for 3 months before she realized he was getting ready to break up with her, which she decided to deal with by purposely getting pregnant while telling him she took her birth control pills religiously. She was shocked when he did not proclaim his everlasting love for her when she gave him the news that she was pregnant. Sadly, that was just the first of many lies that would mark their relationship. (Other lies that still affect us to this day are "no, you don't need a lawyer at Friend of the Court" and "no, we don't need a legal custody agreement." I'm still determined to get Joint Legal Custody at the very least, just so her dad gets an actual vote in decisions like her health, schooling, etc.)
I've been in my step-daughter's life since she was 10 months old. Her bio mom spoke to me on the day we were introduced by my now husband, then spent the next year and a half refusing to look at me, speak to me or acknowledge my presence. That was fun. Once she met her current husband, she started actually interacting with me. For a few years, we didn't really get along well, but we made it work.
This past summer, I sent her a message about the fact that some of my step-daughter's health issues might still be occurring because SD sees doctor visits and hospital stays due to her health issues as quality time with her mom, who she saw very little otherwise because her mom was working all the time. I said that BM might see me as "just the stepmom", but that I loved her daughter, cared about her and would gladly kill or die to protect her. (Apparently the correct statement there would have been "my SD is okay, but if something happened to her, it wouldn't be that big of a deal because I could just get another one".) I felt that when there was something going on with SD's health that I could possibly do something about, I was duty-bound to do so. I said that giving a child laxatives for 7 years in a row was not the best thing for her, especially when it made her have accidents that she then tried to hide because BM and SD yell at her for it. Since then, BM has refused to interact with me in person, which made parent-teacher conferences this year interesting. She rarely responds to text messages from me either, which requires me to ask my husband to text her when I need to tell her anything.
I am totally willing to meet her for coffee somewhere, let her tell me the 500 or so reasons she hates me/resents me/whatever just so she can get it all off her chest, then tell her the 1 reason none of that matters - her daughter. We are grown women in our 30s, not 8-year-olds, and part of being a grown-up is realizing that you while you might not WANT to do something, if the situation requires you to do it, you suck it up and do it. She might not want to deal with me - I don't particularly want to deal with her either - but I do it because she is in my step-daughter's life. I'm all for making the best of a crappy situation, but if I'm the only one then it doesn't get me anywhere.
So, I guess "NO" would be the short answer to the original question. :-)
Carol - posted on 10/16/2012
My SD Bio mom gave up custody in 2005. My husband has JMC of her with a relative. The bio mom was sporadic at best in contacting the children for well over 5 years. My SD is 13 now & talks to her mom on a regular basis on the phone, but has not physically seen her since 2006. The bio mom has not provided anything for the child. Doesn't pay child support, hasn't sent anything for her since 2006. Now my SD says that when she turns 18 she wants to go back to live with her mom. The mom has told her & me that she will not pursue custody back & will wait until she turns 18 to come back. I mentioned this to my husband & let him know that in my opinion she doesn't want to be the "mother" she wants the friend relationship with her. I know my step-daughter loves me, but it hurts sometimes that she loves a parent that hasn't been the parent more. I get along with the bio- mom when I have to, but since she lives over 1,000 miles away, I don't have to deal with her except on the phone. I don't agree with her giving up her kids & especially don't like the fact that she has rarely been a part of their lives. I do know that she has mental illness & for the moment she isn't having trouble with it. Not sure that in the long run my SD will ever be in a healthy environment with her mom as my SD is "special needs" & the bio mom may never be able to "care" for her daughter the way she needs to be cared for.
Marina - posted on 06/29/2012
I had to get a restraining order against mine after she stalked me until she started harassing my elderly parents, sending them crazy long rambling diatribes. She is a classic borderline, right down to the projection and fear of abandonment.
Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2012
She doesn't even get the title of BM - we call her 'Egg donor' because that is really all she did. I have raised my SD since she was 3 1/2, and she just graduated from high school a couple of weeks ago. Egg donor is a mental basket case, and I have the paperwork to prove it! I would rather throw down on my lawn than be in the same space with her. For those SMs who are raising their step children: there are only a few moments in my life I am more proud of than the day my daughter graduated from high school, looked at me, and told me that she couldn't have done it without me. I know that all the hell I went through with her egg donor was worth it because I helped that little girl grow into a beautiful woman.
Amanda - posted on 06/16/2012
Well... she lives her life with new baby daddy and two new kids on the west coast and I live my life with my husband and our 4 kids, including my ss and sd, in the midwest. Haven't seen nor heard from her in 4 years. She was never a good influence in my ss and sd's lives and we clashed everyday over how she treated them She also did so many other ridiculous things to try and come between my husband and I, really ridiculous crazy things, but she nows stays away from me, my husband, and her kids by her own choice. So, yeah, I guess you could say we now get along..... as long as we're seperated by a couple thousand miles....
Laurie - posted on 06/13/2012
oh hell no!!! she hates my guts, of course the feeling is mutual but for my case she is a horrible mother, and nearly all of her habits go against my moral being, (she is in her second home wrecking relationship, the man she is currently with has a wife two kids and a bun in the oven) and she is terrified that we are going to replace her with me. i think that this dislike is natural for bio/ step mom relationships, its a territorial/female/hormonal thing
Nikki - posted on 05/29/2012
I'm good friends with one of them and tolerate the other one. We did not get together right after the split I think that makes a difference but she is a very good person and mother. I wish everyone could have the relationship we have we are able to be an undivided front in terms of parenting. Good luck!
Janet - posted on 05/28/2012
I have tried 100 times, 99 times it hasnt worked. I even bought the book "no ones the bitch"....she is impossible to deal with, and we are 2 completely different types of people with different types of parenting opinions etc.....what make sit worse is the 3 kids live with me and their dad primarily and she only has them every other wknd. and we swap school vacations.
The problem is, this causes too much drama for the 3 kids involved :(
Sarah - posted on 05/23/2012
We get along fantastically. I genuinely like her. We rely on each to help get all accomplished. We have our tiffs like and women do but we make it work. We hang out and do things all together. It wasn't like this in the beginning but we both came around and realized that we are going to be in each others lives permanently and let's make the best of it.
Jaime - posted on 05/19/2012
Nope. I've tried. The woman (I use that term lightly) can not accept that her ex has moved on, even though she's remarried herself! At one point we would speak. The last few times she came to my house for the children, I ended up calling the police because she either threatened me or tried to physically assault me. Once was in front of my own daughter and my SS's were present. Now my two oldest SS's make the exchange of their younger brother. She's not allowed at my house.
@Sarah, I have wondered the same about my SD's BM!!! Lol.
I wouldn't say we "don't get along." But we certainly don't like each other, so we just don't deal with each other at all. I was completely neutral about her in the beginning, then started seeing her taking advantage of my DH (boyfriend at the time. We began dating before SD was born so I was there to see her gradually and subtly asserting unjustified control). At the point she started trying to take advantage of ME and put obligations on me (again, DH and I were merely dating at that time, and she didn't even know if he was the father), I put my foot down. I told them it's not MY child and that was all between them. She was certainly pissed, but the shit didn't really hit the fan until later when she found out I was pregnant. I was but three months along and she was already jealous and paranoid saying DH was forgetting about SD and would eventually stop paying child support and such. We both kind of brushed those comments off, but then she started texting him things like he better always put their daughter above our baby because she "deserves" to be first, that he better "treat her like the angel that she is", that SHE is his baby, that he was a deadbeat and horrible parent, etc, all while he was taking twice a week overnight visitations and giving her greater than the legal percentage for child support EVERY SINGLE WEEK, and with no legal obligation because paternity hadn't been established yet. This all really made me dislike her, but especially the comments about SD deserving better and more than the child he was having with me. It was all over one day when she tried blatantly lying to my face. I called her out, told her I know that's not true. She stammered and back pedaled a bit, toned down the lie, but still tried lying again. I looked her square in the eyes and said calmly and matter-of-factly, "I don't believe you" then turned and walked away. She text-bombed my DH the rest of the day about what a horrible bitch I was and that I had no business talking to her at all or having anything to do with SD. Since then (three years now) she refuses to even get out of her car when she brings SD, berates, belittles, and lectures DH every chance she gets, blames his occasional, idiotic, natural man behavior on me, and trash talks us (heresay, I admit). And whatever she is doing to raise SD is resulting in SD acting spoiled, moody, unaffectionate, and wanting nothing to do with any of us when she comes to visit. Won't play, often won't even speak to us, just scowls at everyone and scolds DS constantly, breaks into wailing fits when DS TRIES to play with her. So yeah, based on BM's spoiled queen of the world complex and vindictive behavior and words that I've personally witnessed towards my DH...not too fond of BM!! And based on me not letting her run my life, and me not placing HER child in a higher position than my own...BM hates me with a passion. So we just don't deal with each other, and her and DH barely deal with each other either. Not a good situation for SD for sure. But when DH talks to her for any reason she usually finds some stupid petty thing to bitch at him about. Being civil with her is like trying to hug someone who's punching you. :/ He does continue to try, to no avail, and I just stay out of it all.
Sarah - posted on 05/05/2012
Initially I thought we got along, but eventually came to realize she was only fishing for info about me, and she was constantly bad-mouthing my husband during conversations we had. During these last ten years she's unsuccessfully attempted to brainwash my stepson against me, told numerous lies about me to him and other people, and tried to destroy & control my family. She's a person I could never trust, and definitely don't like. I believe Karma is finally creeping her way....
Emily - posted on 05/03/2012
Well to be honest not many of us do get along but I find that sometimes letting time past can make it a little easier. It also makes it hard when the father doesn't like talking to them. So recently as having a lot of issues with my SS I had no choice but to speak to his BM. In doing this I found out she was having the same issues although she tried not to show she was upset I could see her holding back the tears. It is not easy for any of us as the BM feels she has lost everything and we now have it all and that is usually why they are hard to get along with. Also if you are a nicer person or a better mom than her she may feel like she has failed.
I have now put my SS feelings first as he is having lots of issues and they need to be resolved and are trying to work together for him it is not easy as our parenting styles are very different. We will properly never sit down to a coffee I feel I had to be the bigger person and help him as it is not about me or her but my SS right now.
Heather - posted on 01/09/2012
I tried so hard but next time I talk to her, she will be getting an earful from me!!! Bio mom was abusive towards my ss and sd (and her other two kids), they were taken away by dcfs and we have had custody of my ss for 8 years now. Grandpa has custody of sd and we get her on weekends. With all the abuse these two have endured, I have a VERY abusive 16 yr old boy (and when I say abusive, I mean has had me up against a wall by my throat, had his dad in a choke hold, etc- he's 16, 6'2" and 260 lbs and his philosophy is it's my way or there's hell to pay) Anyway, she took ss for the first time in over 4 years, recently. She has made comments when I've called the police on my ss for abusing us about how we shouldn't have had his arrested or how we can't control him... she has him for FIVE DAYS and calls me up and tells me to come get him or she's having him arrested, THEN turns around and sends his dad a text message calling me a bitch... she should be thanking me for raising her kid who NO ONE ELSE WANTS ANYTHING TO DO WITH including herself. He's also stayed with his Grandma, my girlfriend, his Grandpa, and his bio mom and NO one has been able to tolerate this kid.
Rachel - posted on 01/06/2012
No, she makes it difficult. Lying to court officials, to the police, to the children, to us, to psychologists. I really think she is delusional. It's sad she can't see what she is doing to the children, even making them lie.
Olga - posted on 12/19/2011
No, but I have not ever tried to put myself forward as she has very horrible opition of me. We don't know each other personally but she seems to hold on to the grudge of me being the other woman. I wantto make an effort at some stage my SS is nearly 6 about to start school. The hostility is only hurting my SS. She needs to understand that...
Michele - posted on 10/24/2011
I've tried for years for the sake of my SDs. Turned the other cheek more times then I care to recall, dropped criminal menacing charges, and refuse to name call or point fingers. Some people just don't want to get along no matter what it costs, and lets be honest the only ones that pay the price are our children. My husband and I have very limited, and by limited I mean email only, communication with BM as this is the only way to harness some of the drama. On the other end of the spectrum I do get along with my ex-husband's wife, my son is my top priority and we make an effort to ensure his wellbeing and relationship stability.
Elizabeth - posted on 10/24/2011
Larissa both my husband and BM gave the choice to SD, she is 13, about where she wanted to live and my husband also told her that when she choose to live with us that she had to finish middle school but can choose to move back with her Mom for high school if she wants. We have a unique situation in that both my husband and BM were in the Navy. My husband had orders to move where BM and SD were living back in 2006 but he then got a promotion and his orders were changed. BM was at that time talking about taking orders to Texas even though when talking with me at the time stated how much she loved living in Hawaii(where we got orders to), I even asked her to think about taking orders there. My husband had to tell her that is she didn't try and get order to Hawaii so he could have equal time with SD that he would fight for custody. So she took orders there and while we all living there SD did the one week with us and one week with her Mom schedule. My husband was retiring so he got a job offer in VA so they gave SD the choice of choosing who to live with. BM had an oppurtunity to take orders here but instead choose to go to TX. In all fairness she did not know SD decision at the time but why make your daughter choose if she did not. SD always says that the time in Hawaii was the best because she got to see both of her parents at a regular basis. It is frustrating when the other parent doesn't act like a parent and does everything possible to undermine you but that is another story.
Elizabeth - posted on 10/24/2011
Nope, I have tried and then even tried to clear the air with her but got no response. When I tried to clear the air I explained that we needed to get along for SD sake but got no response from her. She wants things one way when SD was living with her but now that SD lives with us she wants things another way. Funny how that changes when the shoe is on the other foot. I deal with her more cuz my husband travels with his job but I have learned to email her which doesn't always get a response either. She is bad about returning phone calls and she sent me a text this last Aug. when I had called and her and told her not to pass messages through SD because one that is wrong to do and two the information was always wrong....she hung up on me and then sent the text. Which is fine by me because I would only call her when I absolutely needed to. Our SD is her best friend and when SD visits her she gets to do whatever she wants.....so unfortunately SD is leaning toward going and living back with her Mom.
Jenn - posted on 10/05/2011
I tolerate. It's not that I have anything against her, it's just some of the things she does and says, doesn't really make me too fond of her. I take good care of her kids so she's got nothing on me. I have enough Mama Drama already lol, I don't need more.
Melanie - posted on 10/05/2011
NOPE.....sometimes I wish she would get along with me, I've tried getting along with her.....But, she thinks that since I had my daughter (17 months ago) that I don't care about her children. She has also said that I don't need to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong.
Kate - posted on 10/05/2011
I struggled to get along with BM of my SS, for the 8 years his father and I were together. Now I have been apart from BD for 2 years, and my SS's BM and I get along great. I see my Step son far more than I ever did while his BD and I were together. And my Bio children and my Step son are absolutley loving the fact that we are all getting along, and so am I, wish we could have done this years ago.
Jennifer - posted on 09/28/2011
I try to for the SDS but BM and SF make it difficult. My husband keeps trying to tell me to stop trying cause it isn't going to work and she will take advantage of things I do, but I tell him I'm not doing these things for her I'm doing these things for the girls.
Sarah - posted on 09/27/2011
Kind of? At first she was awful. She was all "oh I'm so happy that you found someone blah blah." everytime they fought over the kids or got a little angry at each other she would just start flinging insults about me at him when she doesn't even know me at all! My husband never said a bad word to her about her boyfriend who trust me, is no prize pony. She even started telling the kids mean things about me. Finally, she realized what she was doing when her 4 year old was talking to her grandma about how "mommy is so mean to Sarah, and I like Sarah, you shouldn't be mean to people." she called an apologized which I took with a grain of salt.
I think she finally realized I wasn't going anywhere and I do love her kids like they were my own, and only want the best for them. She hasn't siad anything bad about me to my face for the last 2 years but she goes out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable when she drops the kids off, by coming in the house and chatting with me for 45 min even when I meet her at the door! I just keep telling myself 13 more years...
Larissa - posted on 09/26/2011
We got along great for four months! When my SDs lived with me and DH for four months we all got along, BM was able to come and go as she pleased and she would even come over and hang out because she was having boyfriend problems. I NEVER trusted her, because she is still so in love with my DH and she likes to lie A LOT about everything, but I got along with her. We even let her come up and be with my SDs while DH and I went out and had a date night, and she was at OUR HOUSE by herself. And then after she told us she would never just take them back with no warning (she let them live with us because she lost her job and house) she did. she came to our house unannounced and took them. I WENT OFF on her, said things I probably shouldnt have, just because Im a lady and now Im not sure if we'll ever get along, especially since we are in the middle of a custody battle, AND she called CPS on me and made a fake report because she knows we have a great chance of getting custody. yeah, dont think we'll get along again lol
Amy - posted on 09/23/2011
I honestly can say I have tried on several occassions to make nice :) with BM (Both before DSD came to live with us 3 years ago and a few times since) it is impossible. She strikes me as one of those types that doesn't really care about DSD unless shes around alot of people (DSD has told me before that she thinks her Momma only loves her when people are there) But, as soon as you ask her for something for DSD she acts like you are suppose to give her the world first.
And don't even get me started about child support LOL :)
Jenni - posted on 09/23/2011
Yup! I don't talk to her. lol
Ok, well we do have the occasionally "Can you let Pete know I called and deliver this message for me?"
And we did share a birthday party (she threw for SD and invited us) last year. She barely said two words to anyone, she's incredibly shy. I tried to make conversation a little with her... so things weren't so awkward...? But it's damn near impossible to get more than a one word response from that girl. (And I know it's not personal against me, she's like that with everyone). I ended up talking more to her dad, his girlfriend and her neighbour/friend.
So yeah... we're cool, I guess. She's invited me to a sex toy party... errmmm. I guess that was an attempt at a bonding experience? lol
Her and I are just from entirely different planets, but I don't think she has any ill will towards me. Which is good, right?
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