do you have your step kids full time?

Melissa - posted on 11/04/2012

I have a 16 year old step daughter. My husband and I have been together since she was 2 years old and she has lived with us the entire time. At first him & his ex had joint custody w/ my hubby having physical custody with his ex paying him child support (although she was only ordered to pay $48 a month). At that time his ex had visitation every other weekend. A lot of times our daughter would not want to go visit her mom and it broke our heart cause we had to make her go. My hubby and I have 4 boys together and every time we had another child, she would threaten to go back to court to get our daughter, but she never did. Then when our daughter was about 8 or 9, her mom got sent to prison so we went to court and got all visitation stopped cause we didn't want her visiting her mom in prison. At that time his ex had all parenting time taken away. Now she doesn't have any visitation. We let our daughter go visit when she wants to, which isn't very often. When she does go, most of the time her mom is more interested in being our daughter's friend than her mom, although things have gotten better recently as far as all of us being on the same page when it comes to our daughter. My daughter and I have a good relationship. Things have been rough at times (my daughter has tried to cause trouble between her dad & I, as well as her mom and dad), but I love her and will never give up on her because she is my daughter.

Shannon - posted on 11/03/2012

Yes, my husband has full custody of his 18 year old son, and 14 year old daughter. The BM has little to no contact with either of them. But she has told the daughter that I am NOT her mother, that she is. However, she hasn't done anything to show that she is the mother. I have been there for all the milestones in this girl's life, not her "mother." However, all is not rosey. There are so many times that I just don't even want to be a "step-mom" to her because she is very self-centered, and thinks everything is about her. I know that she is "at that stage", but it is annoying none the less. My husband feels that I am not nurturing to her, and everything between us has to be a "lesson." He states that I can't leave the "teacher" at school. It hurts me, because he seems to have forgotten all the things I have done for her: I was there when she got her period; I am there when she wants to talk about trouble she is having with friends at school; I have taught her how to cook - as much as a 14 year old can cook; I feel that I have done things for her. But I still have those moments (or periods of time) that I just don't feel like I can do this much longer. I guess my husband expects me to love her as my own (I don't have any children of my own), but I just can't. Am I a bad mother because of that? Sometimes I guess I am. Now that I have vented, I will close. It's tough being a step-parent!!

Carol - posted on 10/30/2012

I have a step daughter who has been in my life for the past 6-7 years. She is 13 now. She also has some developmental issues. (IQ is around 67) Her birth mom gave up custody to CPS 6-7 years ago. My husband got joint custody with a relative. My stepdaughters birth mom was very inconsistent in keeping contact with the children. She lives in another state. She has not paid child support for them in at least a year. She contacted my stepdaughter & now she has a number to reach her. Within the last 2-3 months, my step daughter has been talking to her on the phone almost daily. I have spoken to her & the birth mom has told me that she will wait for her to turn 18 so she can come back to her on her own. The birth mom seems to be ok, but there is a question to her mental stability. My concern is that my SD isn't mad at her for not contacting. Has only ever been sad when she can't talk to her mom. Now in my opinion, for a parent to tell a child that she can come back when she is an adult is wrong. It tells me that she's not willing/able to do the things a mother should do for a child. My stepdaughter doesn't see anything wrong with the fact that her mom willingly doesn't want her back to raise. All she sees is "Mommy" and she only knows that when she turns 18 she wants to go back. They have not physically seen each other in at least 5 years. My SD's younger siblings are split as to if they even want to speak to her on the phone, let alone go back when they are 18. My SD thinks this is very odd. Not sure that I can do anything to help her understand. I know that she should have been seeing a therapist since she got off the plane in our state, but to my knowledge, that never happened. I am checking into therapy for her when she comes to live with us, hopefuly in January. Am I wrong to think that she should have some anger or something. or is it normal for a kid to act like nothing happened?

Laura - posted on 08/27/2012

I have 3 of my own children and 3 step children that we raised full time. My situation was a bit different, my stepchildren lost their mom to breast cancer years before I married their father. However, they built a wall "them" and us.. I have been married 13 years and to this day it is still them and "us" I treated each child as my own, even as they grew up with my children, they separated themselves, not including my children, especially the youngest. She was 4 when I remarried, she is now 17. My step kids have disrespected me for as long as I can remember. It is only when their father would interject then they would be more respectful. In my oldest stepdaughters wedding pictures, she had family pics that didnt include me nor my kids. Boy that hurt! I now don't let things bother me as they are young adults now and I guess its their loss. If and when I become a grandmother to any of their children, I just wonder how they will allow me to be a part of that. My kids had to visit their dad every other weekend and I went through the same thing of them taking a few days to recover from the visit as their dad has no structure nor control at all. My kids are good kids and its sad to see that the ex h.. lack of involvement for any of their activities has scarred my children. He was an hour away and it was not "convienent" for him to drive here to watch a football game or take them to their practice etc... I finally just told him either you come get them after practice or their game or he can lose that visitation date. He of course chose the latter. Its been years since he has come to see them. I have taken them a couple of times since he moved away 5 hours from us. Good luck with your step kids and I hope you have better luck than I did.

Kathleen - posted on 08/25/2012

Yes, they live with myself and their Dad and their 5 year old brother & 7 month old brother. My stepson is almost 17 years old and my stepdaughter is almost 15 years old. Things are going pretty wellmostly now, as by this fall, they will have been living fulltime with us for 5 years. I have my moments with them at times, especially with my stepson, who is full of hormones and adjusting to becoming a more responsible almost adult. Mostly because my stepson could try harder in school but doesn't seem to care much about his grades even though it could matter for any future career.

Debbie - posted on 08/24/2012

I consider myself very lucky. When I started down this road some 8 years ago I thought I would lose my mind. My husband has 2 wonderful boys and I have one grown son. For the last 6 years or so the 2 boys have lived with us full time. I am very lucky to have a wonderful relationship with both boys. Sure there were the back and forths, crying, playing one against the other parent but I never gave up. It was difficult but I absolutely love the 2 of them as if they are mine. The oldest is 18 and has called me mom for about 6 years. The youngest is 12 and calles me Debbie. He was very young when I came into the family so that is what he has always called me. I never in a million yeard could believe that being a stepmother would be such a rough road and such a blessing at the same time.

Tara - posted on 02/03/2009

I have 2 step daughter's 15 and 13. For the first four years that my husband and I were together both girls lived with us full time. the 13 year old visited her mom three times and could only stay for a week before she would call and want to come home.In Nov. of 08 she desides that she wanted to go live with her mom because we expected her to have passing grades in school. Then there is my 15 year old she calls her mother by name and could care less if she ever sees her mom again. It is tough raising them. I have a 6 yea old and decisions for her seem to come easy, but with my step kids I always seem to question if I am making the right choice.

My daughter goes to her fathers every other weekend and when she comes home it becomes very difficult to get her back onto our scedual. 

Renee - posted on 02/02/2009

I have 3 step-children. The oldest is named Gavin and he is 8 years old. Then, there is Sarina and she is 7 years old. The youngest is Kadence and she is 3 years old. We have the kids every weekend and we have them every other holiday and it works out really good. The holidays are like if their mom has them, say, this christmas then we have them the next christmas and so forth. After they have school and so forth we pretty much have them 50/50, so its pretty awesome how it all works out. For the kids birthday parties, because the weekends are our time with them, their mom will schedule to have the birthday party during the week and us on the weekend. We are very lucky how easy the schedule is between us and their biological mom.

Ashley - posted on 02/02/2009

I have a step son and he lives with me and his dad and visits his mother every other weekend. He is going to middle school next year (yikes!). He is a wonderful kid and has an awesome personality. I feel like we are pretty close, but I sometimes wonder if it's an act. I know I can't go back in time and be the mother he has always known, but I try very hard to be there for him like my mom was for me so that he feels that security every kid needs.

Jennifer - posted on 02/02/2009

Two of my four sons are "step kids" and they do live with us full time. It is great, and I miss them when they go to visit their mom. One is 18 and the other is 12. My other two sons are 15 and almost 2.

Tanya - posted on 02/02/2009

My family dynamic is similar. My husband had 4 boys, and I had a boy and a girl. We had another baby after we got married. 7 kids total. My two were adopted by my husband and they have no contact with their biological father. Six of the children live with us full time and the ex-wife has some serious issues. She spoils the 1 kid that will still put up with her and he has no rules so it is very frustrating trying to re-train him every single time he comes over!

Tanya - posted on 02/02/2009

I have 4 stepsons, 3 of them live with us full time. their ages are 18, 15, and 12. All of a sudden I'm parenting teenagers. They all chose to live with us and the younger two refuse to spend any time with their mother!

Brandee - posted on 01/30/2009

Quoting Kathleen:

Well, she has done it again! My SD received a special award at school this morning. I had called her bio-mom and left her a message advising her of the awards ceremony at my SD's school this morning and stated the time of the assembly. Last night, bio-mom actually made a point of calling her daughter (my SD) and telling her that she would be present today when she received her award (which my SD was VERY proud to receive). Bio-mom never showed up!!! When my SD and SS ask her why she wasn't there, there will be either 2 excuses that she uses all the time.

One will be, "Oh, I couldn't make it because I was sick." The other excuse will be, "Oh, I couldn't make it because my car isn't working and it's in the shop." Can anyone believe this? Why is it that some bio-moms can actually complain that they "miss their kids" and then when they get EVERY opportunity to be at their "special events" and actually SEE them more, they don't bother to attend?!

I am so angry that bio-mom thinks nothing of disappointing my SD and SS so often and then makes lame excuses for it!!! I attended the award ceremony this morning by foot, pushing a stroller in the snow with my toddler in it. Talk about tiring, but at least I was there! I took nice pics of my SD to show her Dad (who was at home sleeping because he is on night shift this week).

The kids just swallow her lame excuses, but don't show any feeling at all about her absence at their special events. I know they must be disappointed but they just don't talk about it. I wish bio-mom would just fall off the face of the earth because she doesn't do her own children any good anyway. She just continually disappoints. Promises them the moon and delivers them nothing all the time. Terrible. Thanks for the venting outlet. I'm done...for now anyway.

Oh my!  My SD is now 16 but I went through that very thing when she was small.  Her mom missed every award ceremony.  The big one was a play in third grade.  It was her first and she had a solo in it.  It just so happened that it was her mother's birthday.  The whole family came, including her mother's mother, and she never showed.  It broke her heart.  Partying was more important than an hour of her daughter's time.  It goes on and on.   School pictures.  She just lost interest in buying them.  I gave up and stopped telling her when things were happening.  It never seemed to bother her and my SD got used to it. 

Now that my SD is a teenager, her mom is playing the best friend card.  She now has interest when it's convenient.  Depends on what boyfriend she has at the time.  She's teaching her all the cool stuff she did when she was a teenager, like teen sex, sneaking out of the house and how to get a fake ID.  Luckily, my SD is a good kid and sees her mom for what she is.  But that doesn't stop her from working the system at times.  We work hard to keep her on track.  Overall, I can't complain.  Her grades have finally come up this year and I know that our house is her safe place.  Her home.  I just have to keep my eye out for potential orneryness. 

Kathleen - posted on 01/30/2009

Well, she has done it again! My SD received a special award at school this morning. I had called her bio-mom and left her a message advising her of the awards ceremony at my SD's school this morning and stated the time of the assembly. Last night, bio-mom actually made a point of calling her daughter (my SD) and telling her that she would be present today when she received her award (which my SD was VERY proud to receive). Bio-mom never showed up!!! When my SD and SS ask her why she wasn't there, there will be either 2 excuses that she uses all the time.



One will be, "Oh, I couldn't make it because I was sick." The other excuse will be, "Oh, I couldn't make it because my car isn't working and it's in the shop." Can anyone believe this? Why is it that some bio-moms can actually complain that they "miss their kids" and then when they get EVERY opportunity to be at their "special events" and actually SEE them more, they don't bother to attend?!



I am so angry that bio-mom thinks nothing of disappointing my SD and SS so often and then makes lame excuses for it!!! I attended the award ceremony this morning by foot, pushing a stroller in the snow with my toddler in it. Talk about tiring, but at least I was there! I took nice pics of my SD to show her Dad (who was at home sleeping because he is on night shift this week).



The kids just swallow her lame excuses, but don't show any feeling at all about her absence at their special events. I know they must be disappointed but they just don't talk about it. I wish bio-mom would just fall off the face of the earth because she doesn't do her own children any good anyway. She just continually disappoints. Promises them the moon and delivers them nothing all the time. Terrible. Thanks for the venting outlet. I'm done...for now anyway.

Sarah - posted on 01/30/2009

Me and my husband have twin boys that are 8 months and then he has two girls that are 8 and 4. I watch the girls fulltime from 7 to 5 everyday and then the nights we keep them overnight I have them the whole time and then every other weekend. It can be way too much!!! I love the girls I really do but it is hard taking care of someone elses kids. But then I feel bad when Im ready for them to go to their moms..i feel like I shouldnt feel that way...

Joanne - posted on 01/30/2009

I hadn't read all of the posts when I made my initial post. I just wanted to say that I feel better knowing that there are other people out there experiencing the same thing as I am! I remember one of you saying that the ex treated you worse and worse....I wish I could say it gets better when you and your man get preggo but it won't. When my boyfriend and I got preggo she tried to break us up by telling him lies about me and getting a friend of hers to tell him the same lies!



Also someone mentioned the bio mom saying things to the kids about you....Sadly there is nothing that can be done about that. After telling my boyfriend lies didn't work she moved onto her son and because he is 7 it works like a charm! She says things like I don't love him and that his Dad is a deadbeat because he doesn't pay her child support! The courts stopped his child support payments when they found out that she was dropping him off at our house at night on her week! In fact they were going to make her pay child support but my boyfriend said that he didn't want her money.



Sorry I'm venting. I'll stop.



To those of you that have great relationships with the mother and the step kids I hope someday I will have that!

Joanne - posted on 01/28/2009

My step son is with us 70% of the time because his mother goes to work to early to get him to school on her weeks, which is fine by me! When she does have him (he is 7) she has no rules, no discipline (because she "doesn't have the heart to be mean to him"), buys him whatever he wants, no bedtime, lets him play violent video games, watch inappropriate movies (i.e. Gothica, Vanilla Sky), and tells him that because I have rules and discipline at my house that I am mean and don't like him!!!! And the sucky thing is I can't do anything about it!! I could go on forever but I will stop here! :o)

Jennifer - posted on 01/27/2009

my husband has joint custody of his kids so they go back and forth week 2 week

Danielle - posted on 01/27/2009

My stepdaughter just turned 15 and she has mastered the art of playing us against her mother. The first semester of high school was horrible - bad grades (just barely passed her classes), attitude, having people in the house when we are not here, then lying about it - then running away when she got busted for it - using her cell that was supposed to be taken away - erasing calls off of call log so (she thought) we wouldn't find out about it... the list goes on! At this point, we have no trust in her and she is having a hard time gaining it back with her attitude about it! I believe that she loves the attention she gets when she goes back and forth from here to mom's house... she complains about everything over there as soon as she gets home and does the same while she's there about us. We have finally joined forces with her mom so we are all on the same page and she can't play us off of each other. She has been busted in some major lies! AAARGGHH!

Has anyone else been thru this "phase" and lived to tell about it??

Lara - posted on 01/27/2009

My husband and I have his son full time, his mother left when he was 8 mos old and never looked back, we have no contact, which is a blessing there is no every other weekend visitation, there are no calls, no dealing with child support, no legal issues, thank God, we have enough of all that from my ex. My problem though, I have only been married to my husband for about 7 months, and am having a hard time bonding w/ my SS, he can be very sweet and very aggrevating, he is now 10, I walked into his life at a time when he was half grown I feel like I can't relate to him like I can my 2 boys, 12 and 3. It's probably me, I need to try harder or something since I' the adult, I try to remember that a lot of the things he does are because he hasn't had a normal mother's influence you know? but I'm worried that bond will never be there since I didn't give birth to him, I love him, I do, I would be devestated if anything happened to him, but those maternal feelings just aren't there like for my bio boys

Brenda - posted on 01/27/2009

WOW, I'm really not alone here. I have twins boy (step boys) and it was hard at first but there dad is working with me. I also have 4 childern of my own. But more kids the better.

Kaitlyn - posted on 01/26/2009

I have two stepsons ages 10 and 5. I came into their lives when they were 7 and 2 so I have had a few years to bond with them and watch them grow. Their father (my fiance) has full sole custody of both boys and the mother has no visitation rights whatsoever so that means that I am the only mother figure they have which can put a lot of pressure on me at times but it is the best learning experience of my life. I am currently 8 months pregnant and my boys have taught me so much about what it means to be a mother and I am so grateful for them. They have prepared me for this new baby in away that nothing else could. I am a stay-at-home mom right now because of the pregnancy and I do everything that a bio mom would do for her children- I am also homeschooling my 5 year old this year because he missed the cut-off date for kindergarten so I figured while I'm home with him I can do something that will benefit him for next year when he does finally go to school. Their father was a very young dad (17 when his oldest was born) and he has committed his life to loving and raising these boys.  Me being only 22yrs old myself it gets hard at times to be raising a 10 year old and he challenges me once in a while but he has also helped to make me a much stronger person. Both boys just started calling me mommy this year and it melts my heart everytime I hear it. I don't care what anyone says about step-mothers vs. biological mothers because if you are willing to put the proper time, love, devotion, and patience into a child then you are a true mother-blood or not. I don't know who first said this quote but I live by it.... "Anyone can give birth to a child and be that child's 'mother', but it takes a special person to be that child's 'mommy'."

Andrea - posted on 01/26/2009

We have full custody of my husband's three children from his 1st marriage, ages 15, 12 and 11.  Their Mom is not involved on any level that has any kind of "substance" to it.  They saw her at Christmas for the first time in well over a year, and she calls maybe once a week. 

They are awesome kids, and I call them my "bonus" kids.  They introduce me as Mom to their friends, and the youngest calls me Mom - the older two at times...  :) 

We have a great relationship - and I think the thing that makes it work so well is that my husband and I totally support each other.  They know that I am his wife first...and that deserves their respect.  We always strive to make them feel included - even when it came to our wedding.  The boys walked me down the aisle, the daughter was my bridesmaid, and they we all lit the unity candle.  And - when we had "our"babies, the kids were as involved in the process as they wanted to be.  Now they have to be reminded that their younger siblings are "halfs" which is a great thing, in my book!

Step-parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done...but so worth it!

Jessica - posted on 01/22/2009

Quoting Kathleen:


Any replies on whether stepmothers feel counselling helps their stepchildren with separation/divorce issues and the fact that their absent parent always makes herself more absent or uninvolved in their lives?

I recently started a thread asking if anyone knew of an online group where kids in this situation could talk to each other.  I feel that's what my 13 yr old SD needs.  A couple ladies suggested I start a group.  It sounds like your stepkids are in a very similar situation - would you (and their dad) be comfortable with them joining a facebook group like this? - check out my conversation please and answer me there - it will be easier - and anyone else who is interested too.  I'm hoping to find a bunch of kids aged 10 or 11 to about 16 or so that are living with a dad and stepmom and have feelings of their biomom ignoring/abondoning them.  Also issues of all the different sibling types you can end up with...if I see interest I'll start a closed group for the kids to vent and seek advice..  Most kids have facebook anyway from what I've seen.

Wendy - posted on 01/22/2009

i hav 5 kids, 2 of my own and 3 step-children, daniel and chris hav always lived with us as there mum walked out on them many years ago, she took my husbands daughter sarah and we saw sarah every other wkend, sarah had no love at home, no cuddles kisses praising nothing, last july sarah asked to move in with us so now we hav all the kids living with us, as my husband says he feels he has all his family back. genrally we all get on very well sarah is the daughter i never had, i think the only thing i find hard sometimes is that dos nt matter if they hav nt seen there mum 4 months on end, they can c no wrong in her which i know is how it should be, but when ur working so hard trying to keep the house going aswell as work and all shes done is walk out on them and tell everyone she wished she never had kids and yet can do no wrong, i love all the kids and try to be there when ever they need me even if its just a cuddle and a kind word.

Renee - posted on 01/21/2009

I am a step mother to four children (13,12,11,8) My 12 year old is special needs, but we have full custody and they haven't seen their mother in almost two years, but that is her choice. She used to see them every other weekend when I would tell her it was her turn, but after I quit working and calling her, so did she. She hasn't called to talk to them in almost a year. When she randomly calls, she always has an excuse as to why she hasn't seen the kids, but we won't let her see or talk to the kids right now. I put them through therapy for a year because she just leaves them and I am not going to have that happen again. She is more than welcome to start a new relationship with them through letters, but she chooses not to do that. Four stepchildren are hard. I love my kids very much and they all call me mom, but their bad habits from their parents really drive me nuts. They aren't my bad habits. I am glad their mom doesn't come around, cuz it was worse when she was and then that is the same story as every one else.

Kathleen - posted on 01/21/2009

Just reading all of this is nice! I am a step-mother of 2 (15 year old girl and 12 year old boy). They have different mothers. The 15 year old...my husband had full custudy of her from the time she was 4 months old until she turned 14 years when she decided to go live with her mother. We have been married for 11 years so I raised her. My step son we got full custody of him in 2004. His mother lives 2 hours away and we meet half way every other Friday for her every other weekend visitation. It is constitant and I feel sometimes that I am all alone. I have two ex-s to deal with and complain that I am a terrible mother and they won't let either one of their kids bond with me. My step-son was 21 months when my husband and I got married so we are all he knows and he is a very good boy that wanted to live with his father. Since we got married 11 years ago...we had three more children. Sara is 9, and we had twins in Dec 2006, Brooke and Baylee. So..that makes for 5 children and step-children coming in and out. I love my family and even though it has been EXTREMELY hard with the ex's and my step-daughter, I wouldn't change it. My husband is a teacher and coach and I am a social worker. I enjoyed reading everyones replies and I have been there and continue. It will also be a struggle until your step-children are 18.

Elle - posted on 01/21/2009

I have a stepdaughter 13 and a stepson 15 that live with us fulltime. I don't think it is ever easy being a step parent but for some reason we were called upon to be just that. I think as tough as some of the days go, and boy can they be tough. I think we have to see it from their view, they are kids from a split family and they need us and our love. I know that certain days I can't find it in me, but then I think some day they may tell me that they just wished I had been nicer or shown them some sort of love. How badly would I feel that day? I don't want to ever be there so I do my best and do what I can as a Mom and hopefully someday they will remember that. It can never be easy but then again what is?

Kathleen - posted on 01/21/2009

Wow! It seems that there a lot of fathers (and stepmothers too) that have physical custody of their children fulltime! You always read in the media that most mothers have their children fulltime after a divorce, but the tide in family law is obviously changing to state that children need to know and love their fathers (and stepmothers) too! I would love to know if the majority of you live in the U.S. or elsewhere. I live in Canada.



I would like to add that my stepchildren (stepson 13, and stepdaughter 11) are very well-behaved children that don't give me attitude or treat me badly. Actually they do the opposite. They tend to tell me everything (excitedly after a day at school) and follow me around the house, whether I want them to or not. They are interested in whatever I am doing and often listen to me when I talk to them about things. You could say that I am very lucky that way, but I put a lot of work into communicating well with them, helping them, cleaning up after them, feeding them and just plain caring for them in the last 3 or so years.



My stepson is at the point now where he is considering whether he wants to continue visits with his mother anymore. He is really bored at her house and doesn't enjoy the obvious favouritism she shows for her daughter in his presence. She doesn't act like their parent at all. The kids just go to her house to basically, "hang out with her" as if she was some friend of the family or something. She has no control over her own kids, as they don't respect her and don't listen to her. So now, if they don't listen to her during her visits, she is to call their Dad and/or myself and "tell on them" and they will get trouble here when they get home OR she has the option of bringing them back home if they are really disobedient (which they really aren't at all, she is just weak and has no authority in their eyes and never has). I have told her myself that they are HER children and that I tell them what to do and expect them to do what they are told here. And if they don't do it, I kick their butts! (joking, but you get the message!) I don't hit them or anything, but then again, I don't need to. If I have to get upset with them or yell, they get onto things pretty fast, let me tell you. I can't understand a woman who has generally very good children, that doesn't just take a parenting course or a course in assertiveness training or something, in order to be a better mother to her children!!!

I feel I do a good job of being a stepmother and yet, I still take parenting courses currently just to see if there is something I could learn and use that I didn't think of before that would benefit this blended family for a more positive future!!!



Here I am, always trying my ass off with all 3 of MY kids (I might as well call them mine, because I feel I earned the right to. They don't call me Mom though and I don't tell them to. They call me by my first name.) while their biological mother just does less and less for them. She probably just laughs and kicks her feet up, as I am doing ALL of her work. But in the end, I know she will regret it. When her children thank me for being a good parent instead of her.



Any replies on whether stepmothers feel counselling helps their stepchildren with separation/divorce issues and the fact that their absent parent always makes herself more absent or uninvolved in their lives?



Well, I better go and get my toddler in his snowsuit now. I have to go out (walking and pushing a stroller in the snow) and buy my stepson a flash drive and then bring it to his school, so he can save his work on it and work on it at home tonight here at HOME. HOME is where people love you and support you. It has nothing to do with being biologically related. Just plain loved and cared about. It's all that matters in a child's life!

Kathleen - posted on 01/21/2009

Quoting Diane:

Quoting Kathleen:

Believe me...I understand completely. My stepdaughter is 19. She has lived with us since 8th grade (13). When I met my husband she was 5 and her brother was 4. We've had our moments but I thought all that was behind us. I've done a lot for her since she moved in. Now that she's 19 she's wanting to stretch her adult wings. I can't make her understand that since she's living in my house there are things that I want done a certain way. Picking up after yourself is no longer an option. When you come in, hang up your coat. If you use something, put it back when you're done. She thinks she should be able to do it in her time. According to her it will get done eventually. My husband is hurt and can't really do a lot to help me. The cleaning as we go helps he house stay clean...one less thing I have to do. All she does now is give me attitude and say she'll continue to do it her way. What do I do now?

I use to have that problem too with the picking up after herself. My step daughters room is down stairs off the rec room and she would always leave everything on the stairs because she didn't feel like taking her things down stairs until she was ready, so I would pick up everything and put it on her bed in a pile. After a while she got the hint because when she wanted to go to bed she had to pick everything off her bed and sort it and also she hates when people go into her room. As for attitude, I would sit down and talk to her and tell her how you are feeling. Maybe she doesn't realize how she is acting or maybe there is something else on her mind. I know one time my step daughter started acting out again and when I talked to her I found out that something terrible had happen to her at her moms and she was just acting out because she didn't know how to deal with it. I know you said that you thought all the bad was behind you at one time, so there is a good chance that you and her could be good again. Another thing that I found was helpful for me, was when my step daughter and I talked I would do it with just her and I. I didn't want her to think her dad and I were ganging up on her. I hope this was helpful!!!! P.S. Teenagers will be teenagers. They always think they know best. ( I guess we did too at one time ) :)

I wish that would work. She'll sleep on her bed eventhough it's covered with stuff...she doesn't seem to mind. I did tell her how I was feeling...that I need her to be cooperative and helpful when she's home so that I can get a litlte bit of a break. She didn't get it. She only focused on why she can't do things when she wants. As for the attitude. It started the last week she was home for Christmas break but we weren't sure why. She didn't spend much time with her mother. They do fight but she doesn't tell me about what... she usually tells her dad. He has been supportive of me and what I'm trying to accomplish around the house. He had to "remind her" that the way she was speaking (yelling) to me was unacceptable. I've always been the outsider in our "family." They always talk and I find out stuff after the fact. I told my husband years ago that I'm helping raise this child I should be included in decision that are made...he tried, but it never seemed to happen. They would talk about stuff when I wasn't home. I don't think my husband understood why it bothered me.

Erin - posted on 01/21/2009

My stepson lives with us full time.  He has not seen his mother in almost 2 years.  She has just recently been given phone contact only since September.  You would never know he wasnt my biological son if you didnt know us.  He is my hip attachment.  His mother has never been a consistent factor in his life.  She is bipolar and when she is on her meds she is ok but when shes off its not pretty.  He prefers me to her and "doesnt need two moms, when i have you"  as he tells me.  Been raising him for 5 years now.  When he does see her its a nightmare.  She lives 2.5 hours away, he went overnite every other weekend, doesnt feed him, sends him home dirty and with dirty clothes that arent even his.  Was always late to pick him up but early to drop him off.  Treats him like a baby which is embarrasing to him.  She hates me but thats ok.  Im not here to be her friend though i am civil when he is near.  Hes 7 now and has opinions but no one seems to care about them.  He doesnt like to sleep over her house he would rather her come down here and spend the day with him.  like most everyone home, after visits we get the attitude, the misbehaving, distracted.  We do have him in counseling but its a day to day struggle.  Though i knew when i met his father that he came with the package and i wouldnt change it for the world.  I love that little boy as if he were my own.  :)

Cristin - posted on 01/21/2009

I have both my step son and daughter in my home. My bio daughter just turned 7. Sid he's 8 and Santana just turned 8. Sid does well. we haven't heard from his mother in months. Santana on the other hand has some serious behavior issues. My husband says she's fine but she lies and steals from me. I am at a loss of what to do. taking things doesn't work and there is no support from her father. no disipline has worked. She hears from her mother occasionally. both were abused and removed by CPS. It was us or foster care.

Buffie - posted on 01/20/2009

I know one mom that picked up everything off the floor and said the kids could earn them back with chores by whatever time and if they didn't she would donate them. I did that with my step-sons clothes. he thought I wouldn't because i would 'have' to replace them (which I didn't) but he also earned them back in time..... I would say you have rules and they need to be followed 9as long as they aren't crazy strict) ;-) I think the teenage years are the toughest so far!!!!

Iris - posted on 01/20/2009

Quoting Sara Jo:

do you have your step kids full time?

I'm interested to hear from step mom's that have their step children all (or almost all) of the time.

Hi Sara Jo

My now 13 year old step-son is living with us all the time. Only spents 4-7 weeks out of the year with his mom and her husband. He is a great kidand a big helper with his 2 sisters, but since teenage years hit..well haven't we all been a liitle diffucult in that age;))

Diane - posted on 01/20/2009

Quoting Kathleen:

Believe me...I understand completely. My stepdaughter is 19. She has lived with us since 8th grade (13). When I met my husband she was 5 and her brother was 4. We've had our moments but I thought all that was behind us. I've done a lot for her since she moved in. Now that she's 19 she's wanting to stretch her adult wings. I can't make her understand that since she's living in my house there are things that I want done a certain way. Picking up after yourself is no longer an option. When you come in, hang up your coat. If you use something, put it back when you're done. She thinks she should be able to do it in her time. According to her it will get done eventually. My husband is hurt and can't really do a lot to help me. The cleaning as we go helps he house stay clean...one less thing I have to do. All she does now is give me attitude and say she'll continue to do it her way. What do I do now?

I use to have that problem too with the picking up after herself. My step daughters room is down stairs off the rec room and she would always leave everything on the stairs because she didn't feel like taking her things down stairs until she was ready, so I would pick up everything and put it on her bed in a pile. After a while she got the hint because when she wanted to go to bed she had to pick everything off her bed and sort it and also she hates when people go into her room. As for attitude, I would sit down and talk to her and tell her how you are feeling. Maybe she doesn't realize how she is acting or maybe there is something else on her mind. I know one time my step daughter started acting out again and when I talked to her I found out that something terrible had happen to her at her moms and she was just acting out because she didn't know how to deal with it. I know you said that you thought all the bad was behind you at one time, so there is a good chance that you and her could be good again. Another thing that I found was helpful for me, was when my step daughter and I talked I would do it with just her and I. I didn't want her to think her dad and I were ganging up on her. I hope this was helpful!!!! P.S. Teenagers will be teenagers. They always think they know best. ( I guess we did too at one time )  :)

Kathleen - posted on 01/20/2009

Believe me...I understand completely. My stepdaughter is 19. She has lived with us since 8th grade (13). When I met my husband she was 5 and her brother was 4. We've had our moments but I thought all that was behind us. I've done a lot for her since she moved in. Now that she's 19 she's wanting to stretch her adult wings. I can't make her understand that since she's living in my house there are things that I want done a certain way. Picking up after yourself is no longer an option. When you come in, hang up your coat. If you use something, put it back when you're done. She thinks she should be able to do it in her time. According to her it will get done eventually. My husband is hurt and can't really do a lot to help me. The cleaning as we go helps he house stay clean...one less thing I have to do. All she does now is give me attitude and say she'll continue to do it her way. What do I do now?

Diane - posted on 01/20/2009

Quoting Brittany:

Well what would you like to know?  Its very difficult!  I have my 9 year old step son and 8 year old step daughter all day everyday!  They have lived with me and my husband and our two daughters together for 3 years now.  There mother has no contact with them at all.  Only because she doesnt want contact.  My husband feels guilty because before he met me he really didnt see them much.  So now that they live with us, they do NO WRONG!  He does not like to punish them, so I do all the punishing and doctors, and dentist, and teachers, and everything else a normal mom would do for their children.  Sometimes I resent my husband and their mother because Im the only one that these children see EVERYDAY all day unless they are in school.  I dont mind it, but I never get break, and they dont respect me the way my own children do, because I am "NOT ALLOWED" to discpline the way I want to.  Any advice for me?

Hi, I have had my step daughter for about 9 years now. In the beginning I had the same problem as you did with respect and discipline. At fist I was seen as the enemy, but in time we have come to respect each other ( she is now 16 years old ). When I would discipline her I would say, " I know that I am not your mom, but I have certain rules for my child and it is very confusing for him if you don't also follow them". My husband has been very good too. He has sat down with his daughter and explain to her all the good things I have brought into their lives. My step daughters mom is an alcoholic  and I think she understands now how different her life would of been if  her dad and I hadn't meet.  I would just like to say, my life too would of been very different  if I hadn't meet my step daughter, because she has shown me a strength well beyond her years. With all she has gone through with her mom and other childhood nightmares she could feel sorry for herself and give up, but she is determined to do something with her life and I be cheering her on the whole way. 

Diane - posted on 01/20/2009

Quoting Brittany:

Well what would you like to know?  Its very difficult!  I have my 9 year old step son and 8 year old step daughter all day everyday!  They have lived with me and my husband and our two daughters together for 3 years now.  There mother has no contact with them at all.  Only because she doesnt want contact.  My husband feels guilty because before he met me he really didnt see them much.  So now that they live with us, they do NO WRONG!  He does not like to punish them, so I do all the punishing and doctors, and dentist, and teachers, and everything else a normal mom would do for their children.  Sometimes I resent my husband and their mother because Im the only one that these children see EVERYDAY all day unless they are in school.  I dont mind it, but I never get break, and they dont respect me the way my own children do, because I am "NOT ALLOWED" to discpline the way I want to.  Any advice for me?

Hi, I have had my step daughter for about 9 years now. In the beginning I had the same problem as you did with respect and discipline. At fist I was seen as the enemy, but in time we have come to respect each other ( she is now 16 years old ). When I would discipline her I would say, " I know that I am not your mom, but I have certain rules for my child and it is very confusing for him if you don't also follow them". My husband has been very good too. He has sat down with his daughter and explain to her all the good things I have brought into their lives. My step daughters mom is an alcoholic  and I think she understands now how different her life would of been if  her dad and I hadn't meet.  I would just like to say, my life too would of been very different  if I hadn't meet my step daughter, because she has shown me a strength well beyond her years. With all she has gone through with her mom and other childhood nightmares she could feel sorry for herself and give up, but she is determined to do something with her life and I be cheering her on the whole way. 

Diane - posted on 01/20/2009

I have been a step mom for 9 years. I am not going to lie to you and say that you will be one big happy family in time because you won't. Hopefully, in time though, you will learn to live with each other. My step daughter and I respect each other, but we will never have the bond that a real child or parent does. Having me as her step mom was not her choice, as was having her as a step daughter was not mine, but we both love the same man (my husband and her dad) so we love for him.

Roya - posted on 01/20/2009

Hi there, my fiance and I have ours full time.  We have a 13 year old girl and a 15 year old son.  They are great kids, but the challenges are there, although not as bad as they could be.  I don't have any disrespect issues as far as being mean to me or not listening to me.  Let me tell you though, going from having no kids to be responsible for to two teenagers full time as been challenging for me.  And their mother doesn't make things any easier.  I won't go off right now but It gets harder and harder to respect her when I have to see their faces everytime she flakes on them...it breaks my heart.  She's a deadbeat mom who is bi-polar off her medication.  She calls me the "kids' better mom" when she talks to them.  It's nice to finally find somewhere where women can relate to one another...I've been craving that for quite sometime now.  Good luck everyone! :-)

Brandee - posted on 01/18/2009

We have had custody of my step daughter since she was 5 - she is now 16.  Her mom has the standard visitation - every other weekend and one day a week.  Through the years, she would utilize that depending on which boyfriend she had at the time.  She also has 2 other kids that she does not have custody of.  My daughter is the only one she is allowed to see.  She has a prescription drug problem, won't work and lives with her mom or with boyfriends when she has them.

When Taylor was smaller, she would act up a couple of days before her visits and then it took a couple after to get her back on track.  Visiting her mom was the same as I'm reading here - no rules or standards.  She is free as a bird. So we have always been the rule makers.  We call ourselves the Hitlers.  During the summers, her mom is supposed to have her 2 weeks and then us 2 weeks and back and forth like that until school starts.  Her visits with her mom affected her too much that we made an every other week arrangement.  That helped tremendously.  We still do it to this very day.  In fact  now that she's older, she doesn't want to stay over there for any longer than that at a time anyway. 

We also have never swapped the holidays.  She gets time with both sides each year for each holiday.  It can be stressful getting her around to all the places, but that way she doesn't have to miss the holidays with any of her family.  We rather like it that way.

Belinda - posted on 01/18/2009

Hi there! I am a fulltime step mum to my beautiful daughter who is nearly 7. She calls me mum and has done since she was about 2, so all in all she IS mine! (lucky me just didn't birth her ;-)) My partner and I have been through a lot in the fight to get her because she was taken off her mum (along with all her siblings - 5 in total) and therefor the Department Of Child Safety (DOCS) does everything in thier power to return them to the parent that the children were taken off of. Sucks big time, but we were always there for my daughter and put in the effort for her and eventually DOCS saw this and we got full time care of her. Her mother was just uninterested and didn't make the effort to show to visits. I am glad though because now my daughter knows she is loved and is in a caring enviroment. it has been over a year since my daugher has had any contact with her biological mum. We have no idea where she lives or phone numbers etc but she knows where we live and our phone numbers so it is up to her to contact us. I find it a lot easier to deal with my daughter now her bio mum has no involvement in her life (a lot of you mention the disruption and lack of dicipline while at the other parents house - this was the same for us when she did visit her bio mum). We are now a very happy family and my partner and I also have a 2.5yo together. My daughter rarely mentions her bio mum any more and despite everything she does, I continue to tell her (when she asks) that 'I am sure her mum loves her, but at the moment she is unable to care for you. She needs some time to learn how to be a proper parent sweetie before she can see you again.' She is fine with this and says 'it doesn't matter anyway hey mum, cause I have you and dad and my little sister and you are my family.'



Anyway, sorry for the life story and I apologise to you all, I have not read all of the posts that have been made....there are heaps!!



Bindy

Amanda - posted on 01/18/2009

Hi i have 5 step children 100% of the time there mum hasn't seen them since 2006

Elise - posted on 01/17/2009

I have raised my Step children as if they were my own! As a matter a fact there is NO... division within are home. However, this is made possible inpart that their Biological Donors have had nothing to do with them since they walked out. It has been 14 years of raising unconditonaly, Loving, sharing, as well as being open. Please don't misunderstand, it has had way more than it's share of ups and downs; but with out the constant tug of war between homes and outside influence. We have been blessed with great sucess, still there are some problems though, but I think it will work out when it is all said and done. :~) I'm very hopeful. Elise

Brittany - posted on 01/17/2009

Well what would you like to know?  Its very difficult!  I have my 9 year old step son and 8 year old step daughter all day everyday!  They have lived with me and my husband and our two daughters together for 3 years now.  There mother has no contact with them at all.  Only because she doesnt want contact.  My husband feels guilty because before he met me he really didnt see them much.  So now that they live with us, they do NO WRONG!  He does not like to punish them, so I do all the punishing and doctors, and dentist, and teachers, and everything else a normal mom would do for their children.  Sometimes I resent my husband and their mother because Im the only one that these children see EVERYDAY all day unless they are in school.  I dont mind it, but I never get break, and they dont respect me the way my own children do, because I am "NOT ALLOWED" to discpline the way I want to.  Any advice for me?

Brittany - posted on 01/17/2009

Well what would you like to know?  Its very difficult!  I have my 9 year old step son and 8 year old step daughter all day everyday!  They have lived with me and my husband and our two daughters together for 3 years now.  There mother has no contact with them at all.  Only because she doesnt want contact.  My husband feels guilty because before he met me he really didnt see them much.  So now that they live with us, they do NO WRONG!  He does not like to punish them, so I do all the punishing and doctors, and dentist, and teachers, and everything else a normal mom would do for their children.  Sometimes I resent my husband and their mother because Im the only one that these children see EVERYDAY all day unless they are in school.  I dont mind it, but I never get break, and they dont respect me the way my own children do, because I am "NOT ALLOWED" to discpline the way I want to.  Any advice for me?

Rachel - posted on 01/16/2009

I have two step children boy 7 and girl 5 and they live with me and their dad full time....their mom lives about an hour and a half away and they use to see her every other weekend but as of late thats not been possable.... for whatever reason that might be.....

They have had their problems, what kid doesnt, they call me mom.... which makes me happy cause they are my life i love them to bits

Melissa - posted on 01/16/2009

I have an 8 year old stepson and we have joint custody. She gets him one week and we get him one week. My husband has primary caregiver though and gets to choose the school he goes to, so since we are both teachers, he goes to our school. His mom lives 35 to 40 minutes away, so she has to bring him to school on her weeks and then she meets my husband at 5:00 right now to pick him up after school. So basically we see him every day except every other Saturday! Like the rest of you have said, there are very little rules there and he has to show her no respect. We have had to work on respect with women due to this. She has changed times for her job 3 times this year, so now on her weeks he gets to school at 6:00 am for before school care! Needless to say he is exhausted and this effects his behavior in class. When we get him back, we not only have to get him back into routine, but have to get him in bed early to catch up on sleep! Homework is an issue too because we don't tell answers. We ask questions and work with him to sound out words and find answers where she just gives him the answers, so we have to work on putting forth the effort when we get him back! I will say she has gotten better from when my husband and I first got together, but she is very jealous of me and my relationship with him as well as his relationship with my family. We have had to have many discussions that blood does not make you family...love does. He seems to understand that now. It is always struggle though! Every time I think we are getting into a good routine somethings changes to screw it up!

Amie - posted on 01/16/2009

Nancy I envy you and your husband.  I wish my SS and SD's mother would step out of the picture perminently.  She is constantly disappointing them.  They were supposed to see her for the first time since she cancelled on them at Christmas and she cancelled on them again.  She doesn't even bother to call them.  Not even on Christmas day.  My SS is doing better.  His therapist has moved him to every other week sessions.  My SD calls me Mom and doesn't really get the fact that her bio mom doesn't want her.   Bio Mom really gets on my nerves more then anything with how she just doesn't care about these to beautiful, smart, and loving children.  I get nervouse when she does take them.  I am afraid that she won't take as good of care of them as we would.  She only gets them every other weekend when she doesn't cancel.  She takes them twice maybe then doesn't see them for 2 to 3 months.  Then repeats the cycle.  She pops in and out of their lives so speratically they can't form any kind of real attachment for her.  They don't see her as a real parent they see her as  a weekend of junk food and soda. 

Heather - posted on 01/15/2009

You are lucky Nancy!! My two step kids never sleep anywhere else, but do see their mother every other weekend during the day. I would love it if she lived in too far away to get them.