Do you send bag of clothes?

Jessica - posted on 07/05/2010 ( 41 moms have responded )

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We have full custody of my step daughters and we have agreed to let their birth mom see them every other weekend. She has been seeing them everyother weekend now for a little over 6 months and we have been sending clothes because we knew she didn't have any. Well, every time we would send clothes they would forget some there so we stopped sending them because we can't afford to buy clothes for both houses. The birth mom does not pay child support and only see's the girls 2 weekends in a month. When we quit sending clothes she was extremely mad and started cussing us out saying that we were doing this to the kids and that they would have to stay in the same clothes they went to her house in all weekend. Not to mention she talked bad about me and called me every name under the sun in front of the kids all weekend.
So I guess my question is were we wrong for not sending clothes? When we had them every other weekend 3 years ago she never sent anything with the girls. We had to have every thing they needed at our house and pay child support.
Just Wondering.

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Jenni - posted on 08/31/2010

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I feel guilty... things always end up getting left behind at our place. I try to keep all my SD's things together but somehow my husband always rushes out the door when he's bring her home and forgets things. BM doesn't complain, she knows she'll get them back *eventually*. Mostly we have clothes here for her though. Most of it are things family members have bought or we buy things on sale. The first year of her life it got so annoying for both parties to pack and repack, misplace and lose we just decided to keep things here for her.
Anyways, IMO u should talk to her about getting some things for the kids at her place. If money is an issue there are plenty of deals and second hand items you can pick up. I found this site really useful, it's like an online yardsale and you can find tons of gently used kids items. Only thing is i'm not sure if it will be available in your area, but check it out... www.kijiji.com

Tamara - posted on 08/31/2010

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Okay, so it takes two to create a child, which means it takes those two people to provide for that child. Meaning, regardless of how much time a child spends in one home vs the other, both homes should have enough of everything that child needs and shouldnt rely on the other parent to provide it. My husband only has joint legal custody of his son and the mother has primary physical. We have ALWAYS had just has many clothes if not more for my SS as his brother and sister have in our home. He now shares the room with his brother (since they're boys) but he used to have his own room, own bed, own dresser, own closet full of clothes, toothbrush, etc etc here. We NEVER relied on his mom to provide us with anything for him even though DH was only courtordered every other weekend. This may have been because even though he was/is only supposed to get 6 days a month with his son, my SS has ended up living with us more (even though to this day BM will deny it).

Laura - posted on 08/11/2010

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hi jessica, we are going through something similar.....biomom lives across the country. everything was fine until me and my husband actually got married, now, unfortunatly, everything is a game or a power struggle with her. we sent a huge suitcase full of clothes the first summer and winter break, and while my stepdaughter brought back some clothes not all of what we sent came home, the next visit we sent a list of what we had packed and put stars next to what we would like to have back. some of the items we wanted back were sentimental or special and we wanted to save them for my stepdaughter for when she was older. it was a list of 37 items and only 11 of them were "marked" to please return. biomom of course flipped out saying we were trying to use SD's clothes as our own property etc etc. the problem was that the clothes she came home with were for a different climate, or too fancy for school wear, or very uh flashy clothes that could only be worn as an outfit, while the clothes we purchase are more for daily school wear or playing, like standard jeans, tshirts and skirts.......it has gotten so bad that this summer we packed her bag with stuff she was just about to outgrow and things we didnt care to have returned. i don"t feel like you should have to pack ANY clothes, she needs to provide for things at her house, just like you wouldn't pack them meals for their whole visitation. explain, via email so you have something to show a judge if it continues to be a problem, that since visistation occurs on a regular basis and she does not pay child support she needs to provide whatever items the child or children might need while at her house or she needs to contibute child support as clothing is too expensive to have to buy for both households. bring up the fact that she never sent anything before when you had them for visitation and so you assumed that since thats how she did it that it was how you should do it. make sure you are calm and rational for if you have to show it to a judge. i am a firm believer in communicating via email because you can be calm and watch them, mouth off all they want, then you can print it out and take it to a judge.

Kat - posted on 08/10/2010

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When my two ss go to bm I make sure that there is only play clothes packed in their bags. Their bm never returns all their clothes and most of the time we get someone elses clothes back. Her reasoning for this is that there were to much clothes and that she didnt want to go through them all.

Jaime - posted on 08/05/2010

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I absolutely would not send clothes. She doesn't pay support, so it's not like she can complain that she "has to pay all this money to you guys and can't afford to buy clothes for her own house" (like I have heard so many times) and you willingly agreed to let her see the kids every other weekend...well? She needs to step up to the plate. Just seeing her kids every two weeks isn't being a parent, there is a lot more to it than that. You have to PROVIDE for them and care for them. You should not be responsible for supplying the clothes for her household. I am with you on that. No way. You aren't wrong.

Angelica - posted on 08/04/2010

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i use to let the children go house to house in whatever clothes they happened to get dressed in but then she quit sending the nice ones back and the things we did get back would be stained beyond help so i began dressing them in the clothes she sent them and i make sure anything i didn't buy for them is returned to her house clean and folded so there are discrepancies.

[deleted account]

NO you are not wrong. My sk come on weekends and we have our own sets of clothes. We use to let them where our clothes there on sundays but we never would get them back until the next season and the clothes would have holes or stains and couldn't be worn because the kids out grew them. Let her get her own clothes.

Jessica - posted on 07/21/2010

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Thank you so much everyone!! You all had really great ideas!! We did send the girls with no clothes and like I said their mom was extremely mad but she has not seen the girls since that weekend and has canceled on them as usual. She has another weekend to see them not this coming weekend but next so we will see what happens. Don't know if she has bought clothes or not. It is just to hard for us to buy clothes even from a yard sale for cheap because we don't just have my 3 step daughters we have 3 younger children together as well. It gets pretty expensive just trying to cloth 6 children let alone buy clothes for her house. She does not pay child support and does not have the girls but 4 days and supposedly has a job and her boyfriend she has told me has a great job that pays lots of money. They live together in HIS PARENTS house.

Dawn - posted on 07/20/2010

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I do not think you are wrong for not sending clothes. I used to send my daughter in the same cheap outfit (but that was clean and fit appropriately) to her dad's. Then whatever she came home in is what she went back in the following weekend. And I would ask for said outfit back. It didn't take him long to figure out the plan, and it was easy for her since she knew she had a "dad's house" outfit. She never wore it anywhere else and it stayed in a certain drawer. If that isn't what she came home in then the outfit she did wear home went in that drawer, and was not worn again until the next time she went back. Now that she is older she sees him very little, I do not expect him to have clothes for her there so we pack a bag, but make a list of the clothes she takes so that it "easier for her" to be responsible for her things. She doesn't know I make myself a copy so I can keep track of what didn't come home. Try not to let your SD be in the middle. They will figure it all out on their own. Trust me.

Amy - posted on 07/18/2010

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For me My Sd is 8 she will be 9 in a couple of moneths..at home she can take care of and keep up with her own stuff . However, at BM house. for some reason she doesn't gave that option while we are here trying to get her to be a "Big" girl they are still treating her like she is a baby. Last time she went to Bm for example her bag disappeared from the night she arrived til the night before she came home..(which was 14 days later). Even her Medicine that was from the Dr. went missing. SD was very upset when she came home because her meds were not given to her correctly and her dr. already told her if she didnt take them she would have to start with Allergy shots. Her clothes she was sent home in were the pants we sent her in and a shirt noone knew where it came from. We think it may have come from her Step-sisters BM house. We had to let BM know that that was not our clothing and that SD would be a shirt short of her outfits for school when school started back if it wasn't returned. To which we are suppose to replace...I dont' think so. The shirt came back the next weekend when SD was sent back to BM in the strange shirt.

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2010

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My son is almost 13, and he packs a bag to take to to his bio dad's house because his bio dad refuses to buy clothese because he keeps growing out of them and it gets too expensive (well, DUH, so why is it ok for ME to spend the money to make it convenient for you, but whatever). At his age, he is responsible for making sure he packs properly, and he forgets something, well, he has to arrange to either go without or get back here to get it.



With my step-son (age 11), he comes with nothing. Half the time he arrives in school uniform on a Friday night, which I wash and send back clean, and he goes back in clothes from here and we never see them again. It really does annoy me. And it annoys me even more that my husband is so slack at following up on it to get them back. By the time we get them back, he is too big for them and we have to buy more anyway. The thing that most annoys me, is that in the summer, they send him in thongs (flip flops for those of you who aren't Aussies). So we end up having to buy shoes for him because thongs are NOT practical for kicking a ball around, riding a bike, skateboarding, etc. Seriously, sometimes I just wonder where the common sense is!! Then he wears the shoes home, and we never get them back. I put my foot down about that one!!



My step-daughter brings her own bag. She is 18, so she doesn't stay over that often anyway - instead, she can drive herself over for lunch or dinner, or whatever it may be, on her own. So it is different.

Terri - posted on 07/17/2010

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My point was I would sent a certain amount that I didn't care about getting back and tell the kids that that is for them to have at their mom's house. Then that's it, I would not send anymore, It's 4 days a month, right? They would have to have those clothes at your house or at her house. No diffference. I personallly would just take the high road so the kids would not be caught in the middle. That's all. I used to wash all my step daughters clothes every weekend, because her Mom worked so many hours overtime. She worked the weekend when we had her, so to help her out I washed all of her clothes. I was lucky that we NEVER fought over anything. My step daughter is 27 now has a child and we all still get along.

[deleted account]

Terri you make a great point. BUT kids of all ages will forget things; and if the other parent is determined to make sure things dont come back to you there is little you can do. Dont know about anyone else but I certainly cant afford to keep buying them more- from yard sales or wherever incluced- if there's only a certain amount of money available.

Terri - posted on 07/17/2010

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How old are these Children? If they are old enough to keep up with their own things yes send them, if they are not old enough, sounds like with the parent you are dealing with that for the kids you have to send the clothes. You have custody for a reason. You are the adult. Send the older clothes. We find really good deals on clothes sometimes still with tags on them at thrift stores for my granddaughter and we hit yard sales. You would not believe the designer items that we find. Try finding a solution that you can afford, and take the high road. This person is not hurting you she is hurting "your" children that she gave birth to. Good luck and remember that that the kids come first..... By the way I do see your point, but with someone that will yell and curse it's just not worth the fight.

Misty - posted on 07/16/2010

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OK....same situation here. No we do not send clothes..my ss goes in play clothes and shoes. BM just started paying MINIMAL child support so she can go buy her own clothes. We do everything else for him she can do something too. We work and buy clothes for here so why can't she go to Walmart and buy 3 outfits for him to wear the 4 days a month she see him?? Keep your clothes, who can afford to dress them at two houses?

Megan - posted on 07/16/2010

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We've always sent my stepson with his own clothes for the weekends when he went there. She never bought any for him to have at her house. Do you have a court order that you have to send the step daughters to their mother every other weekend? I'm guessing not if she doesn't pay child support. I would stop sending the girls if she can't properly care for them. I'd let her take us back to court if she wanted visitation. She should be returning everything that you send with them, unless you specify otherwise. It sounds like she is just trying to get your goat.

Jessica - posted on 07/15/2010

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I sent clothes with my step daughter when she would go to her birth moms for the weekend, but after a couple of months me and Eric decided that she needed to provide her own clothes for there. What she goes up in she has to come home it, right down to the socks and underware to make sure there isn't any drama over clothes anymore.

Anna - posted on 07/15/2010

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ive just read other posts, sorry, i was meant to add this: youre not wrong. if she isnt paying cs then you shouldnt have to provide clothes or toiletries.
we've spent a fortune on clothes for SD and as soon as she walked in the door she would take her clothes off, have a shower with lice shampoo, then put "our" clothes on.
in the meantime ive got her "BMs" clothes in the wash, ready for her to put back on before she goes home. no probs!
if we had a little bit of notice before her visit, i would have quite happily run out and grabbed something for her then taken her clothes shopping the next day. that way she wouldnt have known about the argument, wouldnt have felt guilty and wouldnt be angry at her mum.

Anna - posted on 07/15/2010

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im not sticking up for your BM, im going by personal experience.

we only saw my SD whenever BM needed a break or a babysitter so it was sporadic.
BM always sent clothes over with SD until it went to court.
we didnt have anything for SD at our house and we found ourselves on a friday at 9pm arguing with BM about sending SD over without clothes and in school uniform for the weekend.
she gave us no notice of this.
in the end we were pyjama and toothbrush shopping at 10pm for SD.
poor girl (8yrs old at the time) was sobbing saying it was her fault that we had to shop for clothes at that time of night.
we always returned her clothes, most of the time washed and dried, home with her. plus we paid maintenance aswell.

my suggestion to you would be to send them over with a set of "average" clothes and a typed note saying that this would be the last time you provide clothes for the children. that way shes got 2 weeks to get clothes, if she keeps the "average" clothes it wont matter and youre the ones being "reasonable" in the eyes of the court!
it must p**s you off though.

[deleted account]

I apologise if I am repeating what others have said- I admit I havent read all the posts b/c I dont have alot of time right now but in our case we dont send anything- all our new and good things would disappear, never to be seen again and we'd either get nothing back or old, too small things. Also toys would have to be retunred to Bm but if they went to hers they never came back. So- clothes, we each have our own supply and toys, they know if they take it to mom's it wont be allowed to come back with them and that's the risk they take.

Amy - posted on 07/13/2010

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Before my hubby got custody of his beautiful daughter we were never sent any clothes except for one of her two week summer visits during the summer. The clothes were all too small or just didn't match anything else in the bag. Luckly we had already had several vistis before then so we had plenty of clothes. However, when She came to live with us we knew her grandparents (who we got her from long story there) had plenty of clothes so we never sent anything. they were really great about if they didn't get something cleaned to return it in a bag and send her in clean clothes and we would send the clothing she wore back to them and sent her in another of our outfits for her so theyd have something to send her back in..Never keeping our clothes or their clothes. When BM got unsupervised visits we figured same process only to find out DD had to wear the same outfit that we sent her in not only to bed but also the whole day the next day..Taking them off only for a bath and putting them back on. So we made sure to send an email to not only BM but BM parents asking if DD needed clothing for their houses sinec she wore the same clothes all weekend. Needless to say DD had clothing to wear the next weekend without us sending any. Our Bm hasn't paid Childsupport since we got DD either, and we have to deal with her telling us she doesn't have the money ROFLMAO!! She works..Has a husband who works but she doesn't have any money for anything for DD? Yeah ok!!

Georgetta - posted on 07/13/2010

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It is not ur responsibility to send clothing to her home, it is hers to have clothing there for them. U r being nice sending clothing. In doing that she should be an adult n make sure that all the clothing comes back or to let u know Y it isn't. We send clothing because we have seen what my SS wears at his BMs and it usually is too small. But the same thing happened, we would not get our stuff back. When we asked her to send all his stuff back because she was moving we got back two bags of clothing (underwear, socks, etc) that we had been looking for. Now we pack an overnight back with toiletries (not goin to touch that one right now) and a change of clothes and that is it. So he has two pairs of clothes the one he wears there (that she can wash) and one that is already clean. U r not wrong 4 not sending clothes, she is not paying CS so she should have money to hit even the salvation army and get them a change of clothing or be big enough to ask if she can keep one outfit a piece from what u send there at her home.

Lianna - posted on 07/13/2010

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Quit sending clothes! Like it's been stated, if clothes have not come back, then extra clothes are obviously still there and the kids are not staying in the same outfit all weekend. We used to have to ask for shoes for my SD as mom would hand her over without them on. We always got dinner before heading home as it was a 2 hour drive there and another 2 hour drive home. We'd also get the child handed to us in nothing but a swimsuit or old shabby clothes. I had bought several cute outfits for her to wear while with us and because she loved them so much, she many times would wear them home. I never got those clothes back but would get her in the swimsuit. I didn't have the heart to send her home in the swimsuit, but learned to keep the clothes she came in and rotate those to wear home. The BM finally got the idea that I was not going to supply her with all the new clothes.

Alison - posted on 07/13/2010

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When we didn't have custody of my SS we always kept whatever he needed for our house. At first we didn't and she wouldn't send something he needed (like a coat, we used to pick him up from school and his mother never made him wear one) so we'd have to rush out and buy him things. So we started keeping our own clothes at our house and he'd wear that when he was here and I'd wash his clothes that he wore over here and send him home in them. Now we have custody of him and BM pays no support so I don't let him wear our clothes to her house. We have a single income and support 5 kids while my SS is her only child so I figure she can support him while she has him. If he does end up taking something over there I make sure he gets it back at the end of the weekend no matter what.

Cindy - posted on 07/10/2010

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Hate to tell you this but as i'm sure you already now. She is going to complain about everything. They are her kids too, so yes she should buy the clothes for her own house. You are responible for enough. The kids will see the truth, so don't worry about it.

Natalie - posted on 07/10/2010

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No your not wrong. I had the same sitution with my Husbands ex wife. Once he met me she stopped sending anything except a bag of nappies (for a 5 year old) and the school clothes they were in. We would continually buy new clothes for them as we had them most weekends (her choice) and any other time she wanted to party. When i put my foot down and started sending them back in Clean school clothes she was hysterical. She wanted to know how she was going to get them washed and clean for the next day. Unfortunately the kids were the only ones to suffer and still do as she moved and took the kids. Sometimes no matter what you do its never right. I still have all their toys, clothes xmas presnts and birthday gifts packed away for when they come home one day. Good luck. Some women really do want their cake and eat it.

Sonja - posted on 07/10/2010

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i agree totally if she gets your step daughters every other weekend it is her responsibility to provide her children with clothing it's one of the basic things that parents are to do for their children.

Betty - posted on 07/09/2010

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You shouldn't HAVE to send anything. If you can, just send them with some clothes that you don't care about and tell BM to keep the clothes there so you don't need to pack each time they go and cross your fingers that you get the stuff back. As they are sent there in one outfit and sent back in another the clothes will rotate on their own and you can update their weekend wardrobe as needed.
We don't always get SD's clothes back in time for her to wear them again(they too small or out of season most of the time) but SD claims that they are being used over there so we don't mind. We have most of SD's clothes gifted to her anyway and I try to send her in dresses so we don't get only half an outfit back(THAT drives me bonkers).

Erica - posted on 07/07/2010

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I am kind of in the same boat, except opposite. When we get custody of my SD for the whole summer BM sends nothing but the clothes on SD's back. My husband pays child support and we end u[ paying a massive amount of money they day she come so she is clothed. When SD leaves we have to send it because she will out grow it out before the next time summer comes. I think it is horrible that you do have to pay for more and more, however, in the end if you don't send clothes it could hurt the child. We could just not send the clothes back and donate them but we know SD would be hurt and it would feel like a punishment for her. I know you don't and your kids don't want to be in dirty clothes. I would suggest getting it in paperwork or pick up some clothes from a rummage sale or thrift store to send with the child, so if it does not come back it will not hurt the pocket book as much. Hope it works out for you.

Tara Lee - posted on 07/07/2010

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I am glad to say that we never had this problem. When my SKs came for a visit, they always brought a bag(or2) with them, we also had clothes here for them. They were all their clothes, so they wore what they wanted. We lived 5 hours away so if they forgot something at our house, oh well, they had to wait until the next visit to wear them again. They would take clothes home from here and leave clothes here from BMs house, and that was fine-they were THIER clothes. If we had to buy something while they were with us, then we did, they're our kids.
Luckily, both BM and us bought 'nice' clothes, so we didn't have THAT issue.
I find it really sad when BMs think of themselves and not of their kids. That BD and SM have to work harder to make sure the kids get what is needed, both physically and emotionally.

Sorry, I don't have any useful advice, but the original question was 'Do you send a bag of clothes?'. I just thought I'd let you know that it can work out. Also, it usually gets better with age. As they(SK) get older, they are usually more picky in their clothes, so they'll wear what they want, NOT what BM wants. An they will pack their own bags, so they bring what THEY want to wear.

Hope everything works out for you. Good Luck!

[deleted account]

We had that problem. BM would send a bag but it either didn't have enough clothes in it or summer clothes in winter time. I had to start buying clothes for our house, so they had something to wear. Then our clothes would disappear to BM's house and never come back. So we told BM not to send a bag and I would have the girls change into BM clothes 1/2 hour before they went home. Then I noticed that every other month or so I would have to buy socks and underwear for the girls. It took me a bit to figure out that the girls were wearing our socks and underwear home b/c BM didn't have the right sizes. I feel bad about it, but now the girls come in the house and go to their room and take all BM clothes off, put on clothes from here. I wash BM clothes and keep them in our room until its time to go back to BM. The girls like our clothes more. And I buy most of them at the Thrift Stores! I'm teaching the girls that you don't need to spend a lot of money to have nice clothes. Now the one girl enjoys going thrifting with me.



Good Luck!

Jessica - posted on 07/06/2010

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Thank you everyone for your input. I am definitaly going to talk to my husband about getting the clothes issue in the court papers. I make sure to check the girls bags before they leave because we had the issue of nice clothes going to their BM and trashy clothes getting sent home or nice clothes getting left there. BM pays for NOTHING at all. It is in the court papers that she is to pay half of everything but no child support. And she still has not paid a PENNY. Thanks again it is nice to know I am not the only one dealing with this.

Megan - posted on 07/06/2010

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Oh my goodness! This has been such a big issue for us, and I thought we were the only ones! I wish we had something written in the parenting order about this, but we don't.

We only see my SKs every other weekend. We had to buy clothes for them to wear at our house because everytime they came there would be essentials missing in their bags. Then, things we bought started to disappear. We didn't know how to address the issue without accusing the kids of stealing. But we cannot afford to buy new clothes everytime they come, which is what we were forced to do.

So we made a new rule. When at our house they only wear the clothes we have here. Their bags (other than homework) stay in the car all weekend so that there are no "mistakes." We even discussed this rule with a counselor before implementing it, to make sure we weren't crossing any unfair lines. But now it has blown up into an even bigger problem. SD (13) claims that she will not come to visit her dad anymore simply because she is not allowed to wear her own clothes. We have had several talks with her about having her own things at our house as well becasue it is her home too, and about a parent's job is teaching their children how to express self-respect, etc. But now this is an excuse not to come. Obviously it's not all about the clothes.

Penny, we had the same problem with SD. She wouldn't come with enough clothes, so we would take her shopping, she would pick out something that she liked, then take it home and we would never see it again. The counselor even admitted that we are screwed either way. If we buy her clothes that she likes they will disappear, but if we buy her clothes that she doesn't like she throws a fit and says that she doesn't want to come if she can't wear "her own" clothes.

Bottom line, Jessica, you are in the right. My husband and I feel that it is our job to have everything the kids need while they are with us, since this is their home as well.

[deleted account]

Holly-I agree that unfortunately clothing issues have to be included in a court order.

Jenn-Why would our BM do the same thing regarding inappropriate clothing and shoes? We live about 8 hours away and since BM would only send what we had bought regarding clothes, a lot of times it wasn't appropriate for the weather. At our April visit she sent SD in snow boots because she didn't want her wearing any of her other shoes! Trust me, it wasn't that cold out!

Jocelynn-we've noticed SD wanting to take some of our things we've bought her too. Like if we buy her a cool shirt that she really likes, instead of throwing it in the laundry basket I've found it in her travel bag. When I've confronted her about it, it's because she "forgot."

Jocelynn - posted on 07/05/2010

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Yeah I agree with everyone! My BB's visit their dad every other weekend and we send them with what is on their backs. I used to send stuff but like everyone who posted a reply the clothes they went with were alot of times never returned. I even stopped sending them in their school clothes because they would return the majority of the time in a ratty shirt and shorts or pants vs. the good school clothes. My SD on the other hand who is with us every other week she transports her clothes from one house the next, but it's been an issue with her stealing stuff from our house or BM's house. So we have tried to nip that right quick! Unfortunately BM talks a good talk to DH but lets SD do whatever. As for laundry that's all on SD because she would come home with 3 bags of laundry and expect ME to do it and they were nasty! I'm not sure if this is an issue but make sure that your SDs aren't taking things over to BM's house because it causes a whole different problem, especially if you have the nice clothes while BM supplies the minimum of clothing. Good Luck and I would suggest doing the same thing and do the modification of legal papers. Unfortunately like my ex who has been ordered to pay me for stuff that child support doesn't include he hasn't and has no plans to pay me back so yeah you might get the ruling but unless BM actually follows the order you might have to file original modification and if not followed file another request of enforcement until it's flagged with the courts that BM is ignoring a court order. And until then BM will be a even bigger pain in the butt for you. Just talking from experience.

Jenn - posted on 07/05/2010

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My SS's BM would pack a bag for him on our visits but it was always missing something like toothbrush, underwear or socks, or sometimes the clothes were just inappropriate for the weather. We ended up having to buy some clothes (an shoes) for him to keep at our house for him to wear an extra hygiene tools like brushes and stuff. It was a little bit of a pain because we had to get all that stuff out right an still pay all the support and all the money for transportation (we live 130 miles away) but worth it because he has what he needed from us. All you can do is do for your SK's that the other does not because in the end its not about what the other parent does or does not do its about the kids and what they need. I always sent his clothes back washed an even got the stains out of them if there were any. I may not like the BM but those are my SS's clothes an he is the one that has to wear them, not her, so I like to keep them looks as good as possible. (trust me.. with some of those clothes that's harder that it sounds!!! lol).

Vanessa - posted on 07/05/2010

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I'm with Holly on this one - get it in the parenting plan/court order.
I always send a bag of clothes with my SD because when she visits she goes off for a week or so. It's noted however that clothes are to be returned clean and only a day or so's dirty ones are acceptable. I insisted upon this when once a cockroach ran out of her bag when she came back - ugh! I washed the whole lot that night it gave me goosebumps!

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We actually have written in our court order tht the bm is to have clothes for our daughter at her house that SHE provides. Like you, we have our daughter most of the time (bm gets visitations for 2 weeks every 3 months because of our school district's schedule). We had issues with the whole clothing debate (clothes would come back so dirty and smelly that I actually had to trow a bunch away because I couldn't get the smell out - even with bleach - and I KNOW my daughter is NOT that dirty!!! And other crap like that), so we added a clause in the order that says each parent is responsible for clothing and such at their own house.

I think you guys are in the right and if clothes have noe come back then obviously the kids already have some clothes there! How many shirts/pants/skirts/etc. do the kids need anyway? All she really needs to get is a couple outfits for each child and she should be fine. I honestly don't understand what the bm's issue is... Maybe you should gently point out that fact and maybe she *might* see it... someday...

Good luck hun!

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I think you guys did the right thing. It's my belief that the parent that has her should have things for her at their home. It can be a hassle for her, but that's her problem.

BM used to pack a bag but it would only include the clothing we had bought SD (like if we got her an outfit for her birthday/Christmas/ect). SD told us her mom only lets her wear it on visits with us and the ones that didn't fit her anymore she sold them. That didn't sit well with me, especially because we have a 2 year old that can wear SD's old clothes someday. So a couple months ago I took all the clothing I had purchased and sent back the things BM had sent (like underwear, socks, etc). Since then BM hasn't sent SD with anything and told her it was because we took all her things. Which isn't true because it was "ours" in the first place. Now we are at summer visits and the clothing BM sends SD in, I wash and send her back home in it at the end of the visit. This actually works out better. BM doesn't have to worry about her stuff and we can keep all SD's clothes she outgrows and save them for our daughter instead of BM gaining profit from them.

Jessica - posted on 07/05/2010

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I use to do this. When bm moved out of her parents house and bms parents wouldnt let her take any of sd's belonging my husband and I would pack a bag for the weekend. I would get everything back at the end of the weekend. Since you and your husband are willing to pack a bag for the girls and not get some of them back I would stop. They have some clothes over there that they left and bm should step up and buy them some for her house.

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