DOES ANYONE HAVE A GOOD STORY TO TELL?

Kerri - posted on 02/05/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I have only been a member of this group for 4 days and I am just shocked at all of the negativity here. I am wondering if there are any step-moms out there who have anything nice to say about biological mothers they are involved with or biological moms who have anything nice to say about step-moms?



Here, I'll get things started and if anyone else wants to leave a positive comment, then go right ahead. Maybe someone will read this and it will spark optimism in their situation or make some of the step-moms/moms feel like things actually can get better. Nice things do tend to make a dreary situation look better.



I am both a mom and a step-mom. My son has a step-mom. I had a rough start with my husband and his ex-wife but through the years we have realized, their kids are what is most important. Yes, their kids. They are not my kids. She is their mother. She is just like every other mother. She is a hard worker. She is a mother, a care-giver, a children's activity volunteer, an encourager, a church goer and taker, an ex-wife, a girlfriend, etc. Nothing has ever been perfect in our situation but perfection rarely exists with divorce and children. I would say I am lucky. My husband is a great father. My step-sons are great children. Their parents have raised them to be respectful, responsible pre-teens, so-far, so-good. Ther mom is a great mom. She works very hard. She makes sacrifices for her kids. She is involved in all of their activities. My personal opinions do not come into play regarding her children. She deserves the right to be a mother, without me trying to be involved. I respect her, she respects me. She knows I would do anything for her children or for her. Yes, for her. Because she plays a major role in my life simply because she is my husband's ex-wife and the mother of his children. She loves her kids and I love her kids. She is a good mom. Her son's are lucky to have her. My husband is lucky to have her as the mother of his children.



My son also has a step-mom. She is good to him. She cooks for him (most times his favorite food), cleans up after him, spends time with him, helps him with homework, does his laundry. She allows him to spend time with his father. Most of all she is spouse to my son's dad. She is exactly what I would want for my children. Her personal life never comes into play. bc it is none of my business She is good to my son. She cares for him when I or his father are not there. She treats him well. I love her for it. We stay out of each other's business. We have never let personal issues or disagreements get in the way of what is most important, my son's well-being.



I wish I could hear more things like this coming from step-moms and moms. I hate to see women tearing each other apart.

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Rachel - posted on 06/30/2012

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It would be great to be positive if my husband's ex can actually put the kids needs in front of her own, not lie on everyone and stop being a child abuser; if she did those things, I would have tons of positive things to say. I don't think it will ever get better. Love reading positive stories though.

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Chrissy - posted on 02/18/2009

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I am a bio mom and a step mom....and my son has a step mom! hehe...so I get the best of EVERYTHING =) I have a great relationship with my sons' step mom...we have had our moments, but I know she truly cares for my son, is a strong Christian woman and respects my position as his mom. In return, I make every effort to respect her position as his 'other mom' and get her advice and input as much as I can! She's a great girl, a very patient mother and my son holds a special place in his heart for her....and I'm truly grateful that when he's not with me, he's with a woman that cares for him and makes sure he's safe and healthy.



I'm also a step mom to my husbands son...I would love to have some sort of a relationship with my SS's mom, but she's just not interested. She barely talks to my husband...they exchange my SS every Sunday night at the same time, same place...talk about his week for about 5 minutes, and that's that. I've tried to reach out to her (asked my husband to tell her to make a page on FB so she could have access to pics, etc) but she's just not that type of woman, I guess.



In the meantime, i'll enjoy what I have with my sons' step mom...and pray for my SS's bio mom. It truly does make a positive impact on the childs life when everyone is 'friendly' and can compare notes! =) I laughed at one of the other posters reference to "Reba"....lol...my husband and I always sing the song from School House Rock but we change the words a little..."Dysfunction Junction, what's our function?" =) sometimes, you just have to laugh a little, ladies...and realize that God really doesn't ever give you anything that you can't handle! (Keep remembering that when you have to deal with those crazy ex's!!=P)

Lisa - posted on 02/17/2009

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Quoting Sarah:



I think it would be wonderful if my husbands ex wife was more like what you describe ( hard working, making sacrifices for the kids, involved in their acctivities..etc) she refuses to work, refuses to attend or take her own children to acctivities such as soccer or cubs even though we pay 100% of the registration for these. She wants to sit back and live on the child support that should be for the children but supports her and her common law.  Where would the silver lining be except 10 years away (when the youngest turns 18)






I agree totally... I would love it if I could say that my husband's exwife has always done what's best for her son, worked hard, not took advantage of the situation, not used her son for money, was involved in his extracurricular activities, etc., etc., etc., but I just can't.  I cannot respect someone who does not believe their child's happiness & stability comes first, not their own. 



With that said, I think it's wonderful that you are able to have that great relationship & it is awesome b/c your children & stepchildren will receive the best of both worlds.  We have through the years learned to grin & bear it & get along for the most part for my SS's sake.  Divorce & children are not a good mix which is why I strongly believe that the absolute worst reason in the world to get married is just b/c someone is pregnant... this is prolly not the happy story that you were wanting, sorry.  But as Sarah said above... the silver lining is that my SS is 18 & we're mths away from having any "legal" connection to his biomom.  We do what we do for him b/c we love him & no other reason.  I have always made sure that he knew that I loved him as my own :)

Megan - posted on 02/17/2009

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I am really happy to read these good stories. I am SM to two boys 10 and 14. My husband and I have conflict with his ex, but usually her attempts to manipulate backfire. We just say a prayer for her, have a good chuckle and love the kids! Our boys seem so well adjusted to the situation that they did not create and I feel really blessed about that. I have been in their lives for 8 years now so everything seems so normal. I have read some of the horror stories posted and it makes me take comfort in my situation. Until I read some of them I thought I had it tough with the ex!! I just truly believe in protecting your home and the core group. The core includes the kids, the spouse family etc. but does not include the ex. It is so easy to get wrapped up in every e-mail or phone call or encounter. I love drama too and used to talk ad nauseum with my husband (at bedtime!) about the ex and everything. It left me with a sick feeling so now we protect the home we have created with the kids and our time with them and it is working better. We have all had to deal recently with my oldest SS becoming a full fledged teenager with girlfriend (yikes) and have had to make some adjustments. I just feel like the boys are so well loved by the four parental units, my family, their stepdad's family as well as their bio families.

Nicole - posted on 02/11/2009

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It is so nice to see some positive comments about blended families! I love being a step-mom every day!



I have been with my husband since Zack was 2yrs old, and he is now 8yrs old. I'll admit that it has not been easy the entire time. However, Steve and I always do our best to try and understand her side of things and not just be self-consumed with our own feelings. No one said being an adult was easy. ;-) We all get along very well and communicate very well also. We aren't best friends, but we do our best to do what is right for Zack and keep an open and healthy relationship.



For those that may be struggling with the "ex", until you swallow your pride (and I mean to as low as you can imagine), it won't get better! Don't expect them to initiate this modesty; YOU (and your spouse) have to make the first move. It will probably be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but trust me when I say it will be well worth it! Also, don't expect things to magically get better over night. These things take time, very possibly years!



Be kind, considerate, caring, thoughtful. What you send out is what you get back! Oh, and DON'T argue with your spouse - you guys are on the same team!! :-)

Tara - posted on 02/11/2009

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My husband has 6 kids with his ex wife. I have a daugther from my ex and we have 1 son together. We all get along pretty well. His ex wife and I dont go shopping together or anything, and there have been some small problems to resolve while we were all getting adjusted but other than that all is well. It has been almost 3 years and we all attend the same church so the kids dont have to switch and my bio daugther often spends the weekends we do not have all the kids at their house. For the first year we even attended my husbands family holidays together. We keep the schedule flexible for each other. The kids know they are special because they have 4 parents (the ex is remarried as well) and have adjusted very well. I consider our situation very blessed and I think as long as the kids are put first it will continue to be that way.

Alicia - posted on 02/10/2009

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I feel very fortunate for the relationship I have w/ bio mom.  We have had our differences but those differences have been easily resolved.  I met my ss when he was 4 and he's going to be 16 in March.  She puts up with a lot from us and she gets many many kudos.  She works hard and goes out of her way for the things that Jake wants or needs.  We live about 4 hours away we talk to Jake via facebook or my husband calls him on the phone often.  She meets us half way so we can see Jake.  My husband and his ex-wife communicate about Jake to keep up on stuff, the things she can't do or doesnt want to do for example scouts, my husband steps in and does all the scouting stuff with him, he will drive to an overnight, be a scout leader, etc for Jake.  The best part is Jake knows all of this.  I don't step on moms toes and my husband does not step on her live in boyfriends toes when it comes to dealing w/ Jake.  Its pretty nice actually that we dont have the drama other steps and moms have.

Tanya - posted on 02/09/2009

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I agree it is nice to hear the postive sides of our crazy lives.  I have to say I watch the TV show REBA and laugh thinking of my life.  There are many fasits to my story.  I have two daughters with two different husbands.  My oldest daughter's father and stepmom, I have over the years easied into a pretty good relationship with.  My daughter move in with them for a while when we where going through a rough time with her in our house.  I have to say it really made me appreciate her stepmon and everything she did to help out. 



Then there is my second husband's wife.  She and I have never said more then a few words to each other and that was her screaming at me about not showing up on time to pick up my daughter.



But then there is my 'ex-wife' as I jokingly call her.  My boyfriend's ex-wife and I have been friend almost from the beginning.  It started off as polite greetings when we ran into each other then as things should happen, her fiance and I ended up working at the same company.  From there we seemed to end up at company functions, and more of the kids activitys.  We started doing lunches and dinners with all of our kids when the guys were out of town.  With both her fiance and ex-husband, my boyfriend, working in the oilfield and out of town occiasionaly, we became each others support system, even though she has family around.  She is the emergancy contact listing for my kids and I am for my stepkids. 



She and her fiance have had a son together.  My boyfriend is his godfather and he comes to stay with us sometimes when the girls come for the weekend as well so they can get a free weekend to themselves.



We do birthday parties together where her family and his family as well as my own family will all get together.  The kids really want to have a big Christmas together with all the familys but at this point we don't have the space.  But I have to say if we are able to purchase our acreage in the next couple of years I would very much like to give them that.



Anytime something is going on with the kids we can talk and we have had a few "Parental" dinners to work through issues with the kids.  We have all agreed there are four parents here and if we are not all on the same page, the kids will try putting something pass us. 



I really enjoy having her in my life and have to say for all the problems that I have had at time with my ex-husbands and their new wives in the past.  My boyfriend's ex-wife has been a dream and their relationship has always been very amicable which has helped.  I believe that no matter what it IS about the kids and they are a part of my family just as much as a part of the family with their mom.  I have no problems calling her my friend  and do have to say that I miss spending time with her as both our lives have gotten a little busier these days.

Rhonda - posted on 02/07/2009

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I do I do... Pick me pick me.. Sorry thought it was funny..Yes I do...My ex remarried to my friend Nikki who is only 26, and I am 34.. So she is now a stepmom to my children. Well yea a little wierd at first but through the yrs. I have to tell ya wow she has been so wonderful to them. My ex and I get along and Nikki and my hubby and I all get along. We do it for the kids and ya know we are all adults. Nikki  is very responsible and went from having no kids to have my 2 and one of her own, now prego again. She and I talk and get along very well. This is a great story. Thanks Nikki for being so wonderful to my kids.. Yes we have all agreed that the children will call her mom as well as me mommy and dad to him and to my hubby they shall call him daddy.. Have a good day and enjoy this..

Bonnie - posted on 02/07/2009

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Thank you for your encouraging words Kerri, I have to agree that is painful to here women at each other this way.



I feel the same way with my step children, I am not their mother and never will be. I would hate to take the title "mother" from my husbands ex-wife and maybe with time she will allow my to explain this to her. She is a great mother and does the best she can, as any mother does. 



But I am unsure about how much a part of my life I want her to be. Sure there are decisions that her and my husband have to make about there children but I am not sure I feel conformable saying she is part of our lives. I think mainly because I feel she does not approve of the way my husband and I live our lives or what we believe and I don't feel conformable having her disapprove of something that does not affect her and  defiantly not her children. 



But she is a great mother and does not deserve any bitterness or judgement from me.

Kerri - posted on 02/06/2009

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Josette, I was not trying to bash anyone.  I was simply trying to post something positive.  I think there are a lot of step-moms who come here hoping that things are eventually going to get better with the bio-moms and I was simply trying to point out that sometimes it does get better, and sometimes it is all in how you look at things.  I am a step-mom, have been so for 10 years of my life.  I completely understand the frustrations and issues that go along with it.  I have been in situations where I thought I could just rip someone's head off and needed a place to vent also.  I think you took my posting the wrong way and I am sorry if it offended you.

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I make every attempt to get along with my "wife in law"   I know I've gotten on here to vent because I thought this was a safe place to come talk about how hard it is to be a step mom.     I surely hope that a few negative post don't lead you to bash me. 



I have been a step mom for almost 6 yrs not all of those years have been hard but this past one has been especially difficult.



 

Abby - posted on 02/06/2009

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I have a wonderful mother of my chirldern as I like to call my husbands ex wife.  She has every reason to hate me.  I am living in the home she had build with her (now my) husband.  If she were a bitter woman she could say I took her husband, her house, her kids even her cats! But it is not like that.  She couldn't afford this house and it wasn't selling, she didn't want the cats or the husband for that matter!!!



When they first split she didn't want the boys to be with there dad any more than every other weekend.  My husband was paitient and kind to her.. he waited till she filed for divorce, he never yelled or fought with her (after he moved out anyhow) .  He let her come to terms and then they went to a mediator who helped them come to the conclusion that 2 days a week and every other weekend sounded fair.  That is 50/50 but worded right she never felt out of control.



She is wonderful mom, a smart woman.  We get along great and I am so thankfull we are all able to keep the kids needs first.  On the other hand it takes two to tango and I think that if my husband had pushed her out of her comfort zone we would still be fighting over every little thing.



The more respect you give the more repsect you get. I am so thankful that I do not ever have to worry about my kids when they are with her and I'm sure she feels the same way.

Sarah - posted on 02/06/2009

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I think it would be wonderful if my husbands ex wife was more like what you describe ( hard working, making sacrifices for the kids, involved in their acctivities..etc) she refuses to work, refuses to attend or take her own children to acctivities such as soccer or cubs even though we pay 100% of the registration for these. She wants to sit back and live on the child support that should be for the children but supports her and her common law.  Where would the silver lining be except 10 years away (when the youngest turns 18)

[deleted account]

I believe that being a step-parent is frought with difficulties and is nothing if not challenging.  In saying that, however, I would not have to two wonderful young women who are my step-daughters in my life if I did not CHOOSE to become a step-mum.  I didn't know necessarily what I was up for but as I had my own children I learned to establish boundaries for my family so that we could attempt to meet everyone's needs and everyone knew what was happening next.  For step-children the challenges I think are more enormous, not least because they lack maturity to understand the complexities of the situation.  I am very thankful that my step-daughters have included me in their lives and hope that I can continue to support them in a way that is meaningful to them.

Dawn - posted on 02/05/2009

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I agree.  Adults should ALWAYS get along for the sake of the children involved.  I do not get along with my SS's mom nor my ex husband's wife.    I do however, have a great relationship with my husband's ex wife - the mom of 2 of my stepsons.   I have a great appreciation for our relationship and never miss the chance to tell her.  She respects my position and I in turn respect her.  Prior to our marriage, my husband and her got along ok - but now, they get along soooo much better.  That makes me smile.    We all get along - we communicate - we appreciate each other - and we are all there for the kids. 



I will have to say that she did do one thing that warmed my heart so much.... my step-son was in the hospital, very sick, all 4 of us (parents and step parents) were sitting by his bedside.  The nurse came in and said, "who are the parents?  The parents are the only ones who can stay in the room."   My ss's mom spoke up and said, "We are all his parents."



It saddens me so much that the other 2 women in our lives' have to act so badly.  My husband's wife doesn't care about my kids.  And my huband's ex doesn't care about her son's relationship with his dad.  Oh well, at least I know that I have given it my best shot.  And I do know how to be a good stepmom! 

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