Don't want stepdaughter as bridesmaid... help!

Kathi - posted on 09/22/2009

Ok.. First of all she is too young to be a bridesmaid. Flower girl at most. That might solve the problem right there. Bridesmaids are usually 14 years old..12 at the youngest. Second... the marriage is more than a wedding. I would love to say that her behavior will get better once you are married, but I honestly can not. If she is anything like my SD (who was around the same age when we got married) it is going to take A LOT of years and work to make things better. Her mom is probably the biggest reason that she is behaving this way towards you. Makes it easier to understand but not to deal with. Who knows what she is being told by her mom. As for your fiance... well, he needs to get with the program. His behavior is because he doesn't want to be the bad guy and reinforce whatever her mom is telling her about him. So he "overlooks" and explains away her behavior rather than deal with it. There is a lot of guilt there I bet as well. It doesn't make it right, however. (Still dealing with these issues in my household and my SD is nearly 20 years old!)



If I were you, I would sit down with my fiance and say that you feel you need to postpone the wedding until the issues with his daugher are more under control. These situations will ruin a marriage fast unless they are dealt with and some sort of agreement is made. Family counseling would be a great place to start BEFORE the marriage. A contract of expectations between your "husband" and yourself, spelling out how things will be handled when it comes to his daughter would also be helpful and keep things in perspective. Sounds crazy maybe, but sometimes it is good to have things in black and white when emotions are running high.



Make one on one time once a week to clear the air so that you know how the other feels and can clear up any conflicts in regards to his daughter (since she will play you against each other for sure). The bottom line is that you need to be a united front and if you tell him something about her behavior, he needs to not only believe you, but be supportive and proactive in his reaction. It is the only way this will work.

Michelle - posted on 09/22/2009

Maybe enroll her in counseling. Somthing is bothering her and she needs a way to vent.. Being bratty is aparently her way.. Get her to counseling.. Alone and then as a family... Couldn't hurt.

Ivy - posted on 09/18/2009

Don't get married! If you and your husband to be can't share the same ideals in parenting how are you ever going to do that when you have kids?? It sounds like she needs some therapy and Daddy needs to step up and be the father that teaches his daughter to RESPECT people! But if you do decide to get married know that this is going to be a problem for you until it is properly addressed. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 09/18/2009

First I'd like to say I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, it has to be a bit overwelming. With that said, it sounds to me that she is acting like a normal 7yr old that hasn't had any boundries or rules layed down for her. At that age kids begin to test their boundries with people, I'm going through the same thing with my 7yr old. And it never stops, still setting boundries with my 11yr old. But it does get better once the child is aware that certain behaviors will not be tolerated. What I see as your problem isn't the SD behavior as much as your HTB's reaction to her behavior. THAT is an issue that you need to address and fix before the wedding!!! It will only cause you more problems down the road if you don't. And you don't want to start off your marriage rocky, that only increases your risk of divorce, statistically. A marriage counselor is a great idea. Alot of times the church/pastor will require/offer counseling before the wedding to help iron out any questions or problems you may each be having before there you say "death do us part."
I believe that if SD is aware that SHE is not BAD, but her behavior IS, and just what her boundries are things will improve much quicker than you think. It sounds like you have been a part of her life for her entire life and therefor you can set YOUR limits with her. Yelling, spanking, and telling her off won't work. I have found that what works best is to sit her down in a time-out, give her 1 minutes for each year of her age (7minutes) to sit quietly and think. Just make sure the time-out place is without distractions, ie..toys, tv, music, books, etc. A stool or chair in the kitchen works. Remind her that every time she whines, argues, or mouths off her time starts all over again and that her time doesn't start until she is quiet. Then after her time is up, sit down with her, eye to eye, at her level (don't make her look up to you, it's intimidating) and tell her how much you love her and that it's a parents job (ALL parents) to teach children how to behave so they will be good grownups and ask her to tell you what she did wrong. Remind her verbally that you love her but that certain behaviors are not acceptable and tell her what those behaviors are. Develop a chart to mark her GOOD behavior with a reward system like stickers, balloons, ice cream, tv time, etc... I believe that in time you will see change when it comes to the way she treats you. Your HTB should understand that it is his job to change the way she behaves with him.
It's a shame you don't have her more often to help and see the progress it would do. It has worked wonders on my girls and I used it on my 11 yr old SS over the summer and he changed dramatically towards me. He's respectful and helpful around the house now. And we don't see him but one weekend a month. How he behaves at home? I don't know. But I know that I demand respect and he now knows that and so do my girls.
I hope that I have helped in some way or another. I wish you the best of luck with your nuptuals and in your future relationships with your new expanded family. It takes a lot of patience and understanding.
Oh, and I have to agree with the first post about the wedding. Shower her with your love and attention, but demand respect, and I bet she'll be a wonderful bridesmaid/flowergirl.

Alicia - posted on 09/17/2009

First off, parenting a step-child is difficult enough when you have the support of your spouse - I know - I have 4. If you and your fiance are having this kind of problem now, I suggest you get into some premarital family counselling. It sounds like some pretty major issues that you all need to deal with. She sounds like a troubled child. A child that age that is already stealing from people is making a cry for help. I would not get married until the issue between you and your fiance is resolved or you will have even more problems after marraige.

Tiffany - posted on 09/17/2009

When I was married to my first husband my SD more than once told me that she didn't have to do what I said because I wasn't her mom my reply was no but I'm an adult and for that reason and that reason only you do have to do what I say. She and I have had little to no contact since her dad and I got divorced because her mom didn't see why I'd need to see her since I wasn't married to her dad anymore. She is 22 now and when my son visited his grandmother this summer she was there too and she told him I was the best SM she ever had.

I agree that if you decide to marry this man then you need to include her in the wedding and all the above post include great ways to do so BUT you really need to have a long difficult and honest talk with your husband because in no way should he allow his daughter to treat you like she does and be rewarded with hugs and kisses afterward. Yes you should love your children and yes they should get hugs and kisses but not at the same time as discipline. If you do not address this issue now then it isn't going anywhere.

That very same SD was just like your's. She had no rules at home and when she visited all the aunts and grandma she didn't have them there either. Their reason was we can't enforce something her mom won't continue. My thoughts were bull! My house has rules that the household is expected to live by and be it NBC, SC or even niece or nephew those rules don't change simply because they aren't followed at their home. The rules change with age, maturity and the amount of respect shown to the household members. If your soon to be husband can be on the same page with you about this then you two have a much tougher time ahead of you then you SD being a bridesmaid.

Good luck!

Tammy - posted on 09/16/2009

I am sorry to tell you this hon but I must agree with Denise Bogert. I can promise you that things will absolutely get a whole lot worse if you don't get this under control NOW B4 you get married. If you get married before resolving this issue, which is 100% in dad's control, it will NEVER change for the better. If she has this much control now she will only get more control as she gets older. I know this cause I am living it. My step children were 6 and 8 when we got together and they came to live with us. They are now 15 and 17 and every day I wonder what will happen today? I wonder every night if I will wake up in the morning. I wonder every morning if my daughter will make it to school and home safely from the bus ride. And now every time the phone rings I worry that it may be the police telling me that they have one of them in custody. If dad doesn't back you up now, he most likely never will. All I can say is good luck and talk to dad, you need to get him to change in order for her to change. If he is not willing to back you up every step of the way, it will only get worse. My home is a very unhappy constant battle field. I can't wait to pack up my things and leave. I will pray for you.

Lisa - posted on 09/16/2009

So much good advice... let me just add that we didn't want our middle girl (my SD) to be in the wedding party because she COULD be a monster and we didn't want to take a chance. So we let her and MIL to be in charge of handing out the party favours. Gabrielle felt like she had a job and was important. Now luckily, my girls love me very much and I don't have them being rude to me or anything, but it's still early. Maybe they're not testing me yet.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

Shirley - posted on 09/16/2009

Although my stepchildren were not like yours, my husband has 4 children and I have 3. There were so many problems with the kids when we decided to get married, we went to another state and got married without any of them. Please let us all know how this turns out for you.

Gemma - posted on 09/16/2009

Oh yeah, and we are only allowed to see my HTB's daughter for 6 hours on Saturdays, and he has never been allowed to have her for Christmas

Gemma - posted on 09/16/2009

Had to cut the post short, i had blabbed on for too long and seeing as ive been awake since 6, and so has the BB, i will have to check it later, after (if i ever get the chance) I have a nap. Love to everyone who has helped or is in a similar situation. Its always a comfort to know you arent alone.

Gemma - posted on 09/16/2009

Hey guys, thank you everyone who has commented on this feed, and i apologise that i have yet to reply to anyone, (except for the first post) as i have been ill, as has my HTB AND our 7 month old daughter.
Yeah, re-reading my post has brought to light some details i missed out on...
First, when i say bridesmaid i mean it in the literal sense of her being one of my 'Maids' - being picky about the difference between 'bridesmaid' and 'flowergirl' isnt helpful.
Second, she is an only child from her mother, I have a 7 month old daughter with my HTB, so it is even more imperative that i get the respect i deserve, as there is no way in hell i want my daughter to be influenced by the SD's behaviour.
Third, i did write that i am not the only one she treats badly, just the otherday my MIL to be w3as telling me that when she had her over the other weekend she was drawing pictures, and when one went wrong she threw it, and all her equipment, across the room and had a tantrum. Now i exclaimed at the appauling bahaviour, and the MIL agreed that she 'probably' should have told her off, but she didnt. All she ever says is 'Oh, *child's name* that wasn't very nice was it'. This woman is supposed to be a teacher. In the school holidays she organises and runs a playgroup for children with special needs. This woman is supposed to hold a firm grasp on authority, discipline and understanding!!!
Her aunt is just as bad, my SIL to be. She, the MIL and SD went swimming a few weeks ago, the SD had tantrums like not wanting to get out of the pool, the normal ones, to be expected. What is NOT to be expected is when they are in the cafe enjoying snacks and drinks, the SD covers her gingerbread man in her slush puppy, deliberately, and then takes the SIL's gingerbread man of her plate and eats it without asking.
This past weekend she came strutting in from where the toys are kept with her moneybox. She informed me she doesnt have any money at home, and that she loves to take money from wherever she finds it. Including other people's houses. I've even seen her go over to where my HTB keeps his wallet keys and spare change and just take money and slyly put it in her pocket. She actually looked like she didnt know that stealing is wrong! We had to have a long chat with her over Christmas after she stole a load of stuff from my mums house!
I forget what number im on coz ive been rambling. She couldnt possibly have the hope that her parents will get back together, she was only a year old when they broke up so she wouldnt remember them being together in the first place. And her mother has a partner.

Robin - posted on 09/08/2009

I think if your man as hard as this is to say, isnt willing to put you first before his daughter, which is the way it should be, (step family or not) then he has no business getting married to you.



I dont mean this in a sick way and by no means is my sd as bad, but I have had to deal with some of what you are talking about but as my dad says, who is in bed with you at night, you and him, NO ONE ELSE, imagine your family like a bunch or rings, like a target, on the bullseye or the inner most circle is you and your hubby, on the next biggest ring is your kids step or bio same thing, on the next ring is extended family mothers fathers, MIL FIL etc etc, on the outermost ring is friends. And that is how it should be, you and hubby first and formost need to be on the same page or it will never work with the kids!



Just my opinion, if she is acting that way dont have her in the wedding, it is YOUR day and isnt about making sure a brat is getting her way, and the attention on her, ALSO she seems too young to be a bridesmaid, if anything maybe a flower girl or something, if she is going to be in it at all.

Angele - posted on 09/08/2009

When I married my husband, his children were 10, 7, and 5. The 10 yr old was my flower girl. I was concerned about her behavior also because she has it's all about me syndrome. We did have the children in the ceremony. but the reception was 18 yrs old and older only. We had made arrangments for the children to get back home to a babysitter. This way they are involved in the ceremony but not the reception and you do not have to worry about them. That is what we did and it worked out great.

Jennifer - posted on 09/07/2009

well this is my opinion. I was in the same situation with my oldest SD she was 14 when i married her dad. She didn't want to be in the wedding and everyone said she was going to be as if it wasn't my day or my choice. When it came down to it I put my foot down and i said HELL NO!!! Its my day not hers. It is not about her. When I made that decision everyone looked down at me, but you know what I said?... You are not the one getting married. I am. and I will be the one who says who is in my wedding. When my SD realized I wasnt going to take her shit anymore she got over the whole thing. And for 2 years after we were married we she and I had a great realtionship. Other things have happened since ( that were not my fault btw) and she hasmoved in full tim with her bio mom as well as her younger sister. We have the middle child my SS full time. We(me my husband and our son) dont speak to them at all anymore more. Sometimes they are at my in-laws and they will try to speak to our son. They are miserable with the choice they made but they are old enough now to have to live with that decision. I still love them, but My husband and I decided that this is our life and just because they cant have their way doesnt give them the right to ruin it. I hope this helps. Trust me its not easy but If your fiance and you are going to make it last then you both must come together on the situation and he needs to put you first. After all you are going to be his wife. If he cant understand that then maybe you need to think about what you are getting into. Because it only gets harder after the marriage. I thought it would be easier but i had to learn the hard way. Good luck and keep us updated.

Holly - posted on 09/07/2009

the question of the bride's maid is not the real issue here - as several other moms have mentioned. this situation is INTOLERABLE. your marriage will NOT survive if you (as a couple) do not get control of the child. You will be miserable, and therefore so will everyone else, and the child will get what s/he wants - to destroy your relationship.

my stepdaughter was 5 when we met, 6 when we married, is now 9. the first year living together/married was the worst. it took husband and i working together to establish boundaries - she'd been spoiled rotten by her dad, had no rules at her mom's, and my authority was undermined daily by everything her mom said.

boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! and counseling. my sd has been in counseling for almost 3 years now, and it's done wonders. ask the county child and family services people for a recommendation, and you all have to commit to going. I had to learn what was important to have control over, what to let go. husband had to learn that discipline was vital, and it didn't mean he was mean and horrible. her mom had to learn that she was NOT in control of everything and everyone, and sd had to learn that yes, her father and stepmother DO have authority over her, and if she respects and responds to that, she gains far more than if she fights it.

H.

Lisa - posted on 09/07/2009

My husband has full custody of his son he came to live with us at the age of 3 he is now a teenager . Do yourself a major favor sit down with the father and discuss this with him becasue that ring or paper called marriage.Will change everything.this behavior will continue and it took me personally YEARS to fix this with my husbnad you both have to be on the same page with everything. would he allow an adult to disrespect you if the answer is no then ask why he allows his own daughter to. Im not saying this to start a fight with your future hubby but for your own sanity later and you will remember me saying this fix the problem now. before the ring ever gets on the finger. You can't fix the toxic waste that first wife is feeding her daughter but what you can do is prove her wrong. be mary poppins become a mom that others say wowie i wish i was like her. I loved the advice given here make her feel like shes the star of the show shes important because she is important shes your husbands daughter .and with that said i know its hard but bite your toungue when needed and discuss all issues with husband in private away from child at all costs they will use this against you .and as soon as they figure out she cant get to you anymore guess what they will look for ways to torment you. but thats ok we are women and we dont allow anyone at anyage to take control of our feelings .Be strong and try to fix this before you get married .your husband is feeling guilty for his divorce and thinks he has to shower her only wiht hugs and kiss's yes thats nice in the movies but in real life children need guidelines they need structure .No or grounded will not kill them it will make them stronger and a better person for it. without a dought in my mind Have this girl inyour wedding but make her a part of it make her feel that without her you just couldnt do it. make her a folder or special tacky book with foo foo things lace what nots like my big fat greek weddingmake sure shes feels the love you can vomit after she leaves but become the part of super stepmom . i wish you luck and ill be thinking of you .

Melissa - posted on 09/06/2009

I have three strep children and two of my own.... what we did is made a special part and included all the kids in taking family vows and exchanging rings.... it did seem to help since we all married each others families.4 out of 5 really liked it, cuz the got rings and made vows etc.....and it showed the one that there is no changing back no matter what he wanted and what any one else said because we got married......in the church and under God, and it was cute

Sherri - posted on 09/06/2009

she's a bit young to be a bridesmaid and I am surprised that the family has the nerve to suggest who you choose. my step daughter is 14 and we are the best of friends, but when she was 7 going on 8 I could've gladly sold her for a penny. we truly laugh about what a brat she used to be, and I was certain that my husband and I would divorce over her someday. she grew up and so did I I guess, and I had a great mother in law who gave my husband the what for about fighting with me every time I asked his daughter to behave herself. a lot of the behaviour is her age, my sd was a monster child - no one in my family could stand her - and now we absolutely adore her and I thank god every day she's in my life. tell your husband, not his family - you owe them nothing - who you have chosen to be in the wedding party to stand up for you and perhaps suggest a couple of smaller roles, like having people sign the guest book, or greeting family at the door, that your sd can take. My husband and I went for counselling, which helped emensely - but both of us needed to change our attitudes and behaviours and the child followed along. I feel for you! Best of luck and hope your day turns out well. PS - how about enlisting a younger family member to keep tabs on the little girl for the day of the wedding - pay her some money to 'entertain' the little darling so she's out of your hair.

Jamie - posted on 09/05/2009

My husband brought 4 kids and I brought 3 to this marriage. Even though we did not have a public wedding we did have issues with the kids. His children were 15, 13, 10, 8 and mine were 4, 2, and a newborn. His children would come visit and go home and tell their mom everything that went on in my house from who called to who came by ect. I would get sooo mad. It was within the first year of our marriage that we got custody of all of his children, but when they would go up there it was the same story, she knew everything that went on at my house. Their mom would tell them that they didn't have to listen to me, blah blah, the mom was fueling the fire alot. We have been married for 7 years now and although it is not perfect, it has gotten better. Three of his children are out on their own and his youngest one from his first marriage is 16. I never hit them (although they needed a good one haha) I let him do the discipline to his children and I do it to mine. You guys are going to have to be a team or it will never work. I think that you and her dad should get together and you need to tell him how you feel and he needs to HEAR you then maybe you and him can talk to her and explain to her that you guys are going to be a family and maybe you all three can get married, buy her a little ring also. Make it as special for her as it is for the both of you. I have come to find out that these kids will test you, and their parents, they just want to see how far they can push all of you, and in the end stand your ground and more than anything even though sometimes you would rather get hit by a mac truck, love them! Because they just want your attention. Good Luck and let us know.

Jessica - posted on 09/05/2009

she will be 8, isnt she too young 2 be a braidmaids?

Kari - posted on 09/05/2009

well, having a step daughter my self who is the only child and was in our wedding, but was upset becasuse she couldnt be part of lighting the unity candle. i did have her in my wedding though. i would suggest because her being a little younger maybe give her the job of passing out the programs. the reason she could be acting the way she does around you is because she thinks you are taking her away from her dad. she wants attention. and i think if you get her invovled w/ stuff w/ the wedding her atttitude may change. because she will then see you are there to be a family together. its not like she will be 18 tomorrow she has a few years to be in the house and if you dont build a good relationship w/ her now the teenage years for you will be hell for you and your marriage. be her friend and let her know your not stealing her dad away. :)

Kim - posted on 09/05/2009

Oh, and by the way, to those who have said the in-laws will kick up a stink if she's not in the bridal party? That makes me so angry. Tell them straight out that it is your decision to make and based on her past behaviour, she has to gain your trust that she will behave respectfully on such an important day. On our wedding day, I am proud to say then 5yr old SD performed like an angel (following the lead of the pageboy) because we made sure she understood how important it was to us - although I was still nervous! But the in-laws? If they can't treat you like an adult and a new member of their family and give you the respect that you are entitled to, then their opinion isn't worth crap all. And if hubby to be doesn't get that he must stand by you and your feelings, then sadly, he isn't worth it. Remind him of his responsibility to you and to his daughter in raising her to be a respectful and responsible adult before the shocking habits she's already acquired get her into more serious and longer lasting trouble. Sorry for the vent, but you just can't pussyfoot around pleasing everyone else around you while suffering deep inside yourself, or you will get more depressed. This is the kind of crap which contributes to 50% of second marriages failing, and its not fair on you!

Kim - posted on 09/05/2009

Lay it straight down the line. You don't have to put up with that behaviour, neither should anyone else expect you to. Tell your fiance straight out that his daughter's behaviour is inappropriate and disrespectful and that his family is only encouraging her behaviour by thinking it's cute. Explain to him your concerns for the wedding day and sit down together with SD and discuss the important role she would be playing in Dad's special day (if she doesn't respect you yet, put the emphasis on dad) and that it would be a shame if she couldn't make him proud by dressing up and being a special part of the celebration. Give her a chance to come to terms with it, and if she's still not interested, you have every right to leave her out of the bridal party. But give her a chance to 'pull her socks up' and prove she is a big girl who is capable of such an important day.

Above all, don't let the stress spoil your special day. Your wedding day is all about you, and a 7 year old has no right to ruin it for you. I have no doubt in my mind that her negativity towards you stems from biomum. You have been in her life for so long and since she was so young that it couldn't be anything else!

Hang in there, Gemma, and good luck with it.

Omayra - posted on 09/05/2009

Kathy,

This is a dificult decision that I had to go through but I knew that what decision I made would affect my family as a whole.If u don't involve her it might get worse.Here is how I did it.Then u can decide what to do.I have a boy and a girl step child.I decided that no matter what they were going to be in the wedding because Iwas going to marry their dad and them too.I got them involved with the invitations by having the children invite the guests.Ex.Marie and John would like to invite u to join us celebrate dad and stepmom name etc.It worked great.We went shopping for the dress and color together one on one.Ate lunch.Made it special.The whole time telling her how important she is to me .We made a Dvd about her and asked her lots of questions to get to know her.All in all.The wedding finally came and I was ready for the worst.I talked to some friends of mine to wisk her away if something happened when drama started.I was afraid but I knew I found the love of my life and nobody was going to mess that up 4 me.No matter what I was going to focus on us...I was the bride.Sure enough the first dance .She had a fit and she was wisked away by my friends but I only focused on my true love.1 hr later she got over it but It did not ruin my day.I took pictures with my husband and everyone else.I asked her if she wanted a pic with me and so she did.To me I didn't care how she came out in the pic.just as long as I had one of me and her.I made it a point to buy her a special gift which blew her away.A necklace with double heart and a saying."No matter what happens I'll always be there 4 u."and till this day she still wears it...........

Kathy - posted on 09/04/2009

You have some great advice here, and maybe I will say this again, make her feel special, and remember that the in-laws always pay a big part so if you have to preform in front of them ( do it ) or it will cause you hell for a very long time, you need to win them all over before you start to complain about their little princess.

But I must say good for you for addressing this and calling a spade a spade. Also girls do go through a lot of ups and downs and at seven can be evil and will try to rule her father, I have a daughter that still tries to get all my attentions when sd is around and she is now 10 do not take it personally if you it will be the end of your relationship with your new husband, she is his baby princess and they all believe she does no wrong.

Do yourself a favor and iron this out before you walk down the isle, she needs to know the rules and fast, her father needs to put his foot down and be on your side because if he does not she will always walk over you like dirt on the bottom of her shoe.

Jules - posted on 09/03/2009

It's a hard situation to be in. But children change as they get older, My son is nearly 9 now n the way he used to be towords his step father n towords me was not on, He used to Punch me, Kick me, Swear at me, ect, When I was 6 months pregnent with Ryan he had me on the ground in tears. Laying into me calling me a bitch n every other word he could think of. He used to tell Ben to F off n tell him that he couldn't tell him what to do cause he wasn't his father. He was a horrible little boy. N to look at him now you wouldn't think he was the same kid. He is polite, Uses his maners, We even put a game system in his room cause of how good he has been. Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying put a game system in thier room, But find somthing that works n stick with it.

If he steps out of line he is not alowed to play the game system for that day,

He is alowed to play it when he gets home from school after he has done his home work.

He only comes home with one bad report a week, Wich is a big change to three times a day.

We tried every thing else n it didn't work, this is the only thing that does. Tyler has what they calle a behaviour book that he takes to every class n at the end of each lesson the teacher writes a comment of how he has been for that lesson. If he plays up once that day he is not to play his system, If he plays up the next day it comes out of his room n he has to earn it back. Now if I ask him to do somthing for me there is no hesitation. If he was to miss behave yesterday we would not punish him today for it, Today is a new day.

I got along with Ben's girls right from the start. But if I punished one of them Ben would back me up, n all thier punishment was, Was to sit in thier room or a place where there was no toys until they could be quiet n nice. What I mean by quiet is no screaming, crying or yelling. I don't use the words behave, But I do tell them that thier behaviour is naughty. Not the child. It seems to work. N with what ever they are doing tell them they are doing a good job, N that you are proud of them. Well done, It makes them feel special n makes them feel they are actualy doing somthing right n helping you. I have 4 children Tyler 8, Ryan 2 1/2, Abbey 1 1/2 n Nick is 4 months. Ben's girls are Kallie 10, Katelyn 9 n Emma 6. Unfortunatly we no longer get to see them. We love n miss them very much.

You have to see it from th childs point of view they think that you are trying to take over. N you are trying to push the other parent out of the way, Once they realise you are not trying to do that n having another mumm/daddy can be fun theyl be fine. I told Tyler that hi is special cause now he has 2 daddys not just one n I reashored him that Ben was not trying to take over but he wanted to be a part of his life because he is a good person.

Sorry it's so long it feels good to talk about it n If it helps other people then it is all worth it. :)

Betty - posted on 09/03/2009

Just tell every one that you only want your friends as Brides Maids. You could just put her in charge of something simple like the guest list. That way if she has a little fit that day it isn't a very big deal. You can still get her a matching dress and have her in a few pictures and she will feel included if you make her job sound the most important. Just tell her, "All they do is stand with me and they have to smile the entire time but you get to remind everyone to sign the book."

Jenn - posted on 09/03/2009

I hope this does not come out wrong, but you are the adult and you are a mother figure, maybe you should be more tactful in how you talk to your step daughter. Make sure you are showing her respect so that she will learn how to respect you and others. You dont tell off 8 year olds you talk to them. Yes you all have been together for a long long time so think about what could have happened to cause this wall that is built up and this gap not only around and with her but you as well. Sweet heart children are children step or no step, my daughter (almost 12 from her fathers first marriage who we have custody of) would never talk to me in any unrespectful way or act out or be rude to others because we are positive with her and with whom we have around her. Actions sometimes speak louder than words so show love and respect and it will be easier for her to give love and respect. Let her be apart of your heart and she will soon let you be a part of hers. Good luck and God bless you and your Family.

Kimberly - posted on 09/03/2009

Go Rita!!!!

Rita - posted on 09/03/2009

Dear Gemma,
She sounds like a spoiled brat that needs some spanking. I've been married for 3 yrs and will tell you that it doesn't get any easier. Without your husband backing you up it is only gonna get worse. My question to you is "Are you sure you want to get married if this is how it is already starting?" I now question my own marriage and wonder if I should have gotten married with the problems I have with my step kids. I know now that I have a long road ahead of me if I decide to stay with my husband. So please think really hard on your future and whats in store with your step child. I love my husband very much but I don't know if love is enough to get me through. I don't mean to discourage you...but just think long and hard on it. If you decide to go through with the marriage then by all means don't let her ruin your wedding .... this is your day and it should be your way. Let her stay at home with her mom or another family member. Demand this from your future husband!!!!!

Hope - posted on 09/02/2009

Definitely sit down with your stb hubby. You need to show a united front regarding her behavior or nothing will change. She will know she can always go to daddy and get coddled. My hubby let my SD know, from the day we moved in together, that I was to be respected and listened to just as she would him. If he didn't stand up for me and support me we would never have gotten married. We've had issues through the years but nothing horrible. She also did a major turn around when we got married. DH and I have speculated many times if she had a wall up with me because she wasn't sure that I would be around for the long haul. You stb SD NEEDS to learn there are repercussions for her actions NOW.

Virginia - posted on 09/02/2009

OMG Kimberly you took the words right out of my mouth! If your soon to be husband is not defending you, you have bigger questions than whether or not she should be in the bridal party. I wish you much luck and I hope that things work out for you :)

Kimberly - posted on 09/02/2009

First thing that comes to my mind is that Daddy needs to step up and discipline this way out of control child. She's only 7 and thinks there are no rules?? I had a similar problem, and my fiance and I had to iron some things out about his daughter who lives with us full-time. Part of the problem was "the mother"(like you, I will not go into that here). If "his daughter has grown up to never listen to anything i tell/ask her. Basically to have no respect for me whatsoever", that is a BIG problem. If your fiance refuses to address it, you have more important decisions to make other than whether or not she will be in the wedding. If he and his family do not support you, my opinion is they do not want you to be a part of the family. You have to decide if you will put up with it if the situation does not change. Sure, you love the guy, but you are marrying the family, not just him. True, kids will grow up and move out. But in the meantime it sounds like she will do whatever she can to try to break things up. Possibly, she has anger issues related to "the mother" and the divorce. Maybe some counseling will help. Not just for her, but family counseling as well. That will bring out if she's really got a problem or just really manipulative. If Daddy does not agree to taking steps to make all of his family happy (not just the kid) you need to decide if you want that for the rest of your life.

Denise - posted on 09/02/2009

I would not marry someone who is so blinded by bad behavior and allows a child of that age to run rough shod over the woman he supposedly loves. That behavior is unacceptable. Put it to him this way: Is this the kind of adult woman he wants her to grow into? If not he had better get a handle on it now, it is not "cute". My stepson is almost 13 with similar behaviors (although he was a perfect gentleman at our wedding, he stood with his dad), and I feel he is mostly a lost cause at this point. I have already told my husband that we will NOT bail him out of jail!

Danielle - posted on 09/02/2009

I know this must be hard. However, she is acting out because of what happened between her mom and your fiancee. Because she is young, she still has it in the back of her mind that there is a chance the mom and dad will get back together. I will tell you from experience, blood is thicker than water and how would your future husband feel? I can't tell you how to talk to her, but she is looking for reassurance from that. At the age of reason, she knows what she is doing. if you can talk to your fiancee about your concerns and see what his opinion is, but he is going to take her side. She is going to be a part of your family. My stepson, when he was young, the week after I got married, called my husband and said that his mom wanted to get back together with my husband. I was hurt, but also have to remember that he is a kid and that is the way you have to treat it. Ignore her because she wants the attention. she wants validation from you no matter how disrespectful she is. Also coming from this situation before, I never tell my stepkids what to do. I may ask them, but when my husband is around, he does the disciplining. I come from a broken home, and I didn;'t like it when my parents' sig others tried to tell me what to do. Just remember that you are not their mother and just try to reassure your stepdaughter that you are not trying to take the place of her. Let her vent her feelings out in the open and try not to be offended by me. Remember, she is still young and wants her parents back even though it is not going to happen. Hope this helps.

Christine - posted on 09/02/2009

I'm sorry to say, luv, but chances are it's going to cause more problems than relief if you don't have her in your wedding. Nothing says she needs to be the center of attention, but you don't want to set a permanent wedge between you and the in-laws... And I don't think a mother-in-law forgets anything. EVER.



One option is that you could make her a junior bridesmaid, rather than a regular bridesmaid. There are really no set in stone rules about wedding parties... My (step) son (whom I have raised as my own because his BM is a nut, so I call him my son) will be the ring bearer in mine, but we won't have a flower girl because we liked the signifigance of him standing alone. You could tell her that her "special job" is to help the ring bearer and flower girl (if you're having them) and make sure they listen and are taken care of. Usually older children like feeling like they're the "grown-ups" especially when they're around younger children. She could even stand alone, or you could have her walk down WITH the RB and FG... That way the full attention isn't on her.



You could also have her help with little things - like someone said helping with favours, etc. Also, maybe you could make some time for you and her to look around for wedding stuff, just the two of you, and ask her her opinions while you browse. It will make her feel special and involved, yet not give her the chance for real sabotage.



I would definitely talk to her father about her behaviour and maybe the two of you should sit down with her and explain everything to her again. (You're going to be a family, you're not trying to replace her mother, etc. What sounds like cliches to grown-ups is sometimes what kids need to hear.) Maybe you and her should spend some time, just the two of you. My son and I go to the library every Friday as some "Mommy-Damien" time, or once in a great while, when he's been exceptionally good, I'll get him an "I love you" present... a toy, a book, even sometimes just a cookie or a picture.



Sometimes kids feel confused and abandoned - even if everyone is still in their life. Earlier this summer, Damien was acting like a comeplete psycho - kicking, hitting, screaming, not listening, etc - and we had no idea why. Then one night, I just sat and rocked with him and sang to him, and he looked up at me and said "Mommy, I'm so, so sorry for the way I've been acting. I'm so, so sorry I've been bad." (He was three at the time.) I think he was worried that I didn't love him, which is why I was yelling at him for being naughty, which in turn made him act worse... It's a viscious cycle. The root of your SD's problem could be something similar, ESPECIALLY if there is a problem with the BM. As someone else stated - you don't know what she's telling your SD when they're together, and if she's really that bad, she could defintely be telling her that you're bad, should not be trusted or respected, and that it's a betrayal to her (the BM) if the SD treats you with any sort of kindness or respect. (BMs from hell... Gotta love 'em.)



I hope some of this rambling helps you a little!

Lisa - posted on 09/01/2009

I definitely feel 4 u! All of us were neighbors/friends + we included them in picking out the rings after we told them we were living together and getting married. Their mom seemed to come back into the picture after I tried to gain some authority and respect. All of a suddentheir aunts were being told I was neglecting them, abusing them by making them only do chores....on and on .... Anyway, I asked each of them if they wanted to be in the wedding (after including their mom and their grandmother on their mother's side) in the preparing of my wedding. Each of them said they didnt want to b in it. I was the evil stepmother then, had aunts and grandmother's calling me telling me they should be in the wedding and me eplaining that they didn't want to. I finally told my SDTHAT WE WERE GOING TO GO TRY ON THE DRSS AND SHE COULD KEEP IT> It

Was 250.00. The youngest SS was telling his relatives he "didn't know" why he wasn't in the wedding. Big fat lie! I had him ushering like my nephew bc he made it loud and clear 4xs that we didn't need to get married and he didn't want to stand up on the alter. I pissed off my husband's family bc I assummed they would do what they wanted to do for the wedding since it was both our second; plus having my husband's ex in laws prepare the cakes, veggies and table. didn't go over well. I wasn't thinking of them. I was thinking of the kids....including their mom and grandmother in the part of the wedding. Plus I was late, plus my brother in law hardly took any pics of his family but every time he tried my new in laws would walk away. So how were we supposed to have Family pics. She ruined my pictures, too. She made a "f-u smile in all the ones I included her in. She sold her dress two weeks later right in front of me. So, I was going to say include her and it might make things better, but, now that I look back, maybe you shouldn't. But, then again, you better be ready for the consequences w/your husband if you don't include her.

Sherri - posted on 09/01/2009

By the way-you should sit down with your hubby to be and tell him how you feel and that you need to START OFF on the same page. Undermining your authority is only going to hurt everyone in the long run...

Sherri - posted on 09/01/2009

I agree.... If she isn't a bridesmaid, that alone may make her feel left out and she may ruin the day regardless. Let her have a say in some small things. Take her to get her dress and make a huge deal out of it.



I allowed my SS to help my in picking things like the table names... we had a nice, traditional wedding, but added some of my husband's flair and instead of having numbered tables, we had hockey teams. My SS helped me pick what table was going to be the rangers and so on. Little things like that. If she feels she's getting her due attention, she'll have no reason to act out.



Find someone she respects and will listen to that day and put them in charge of her during the times that you or hubby are unable to tend to her needs. Have them keep her extremely distracted or give her HER OWN camera (even disposible) during things like the 1st dance.



Hope this helps.

Tanya - posted on 09/01/2009

I completley understand, my sd was 12 turning 13 when I met her. We got along great she confinded in me came to me for everything because she said she could not trust her mom which is true her mother would tell everyone everything there are no secrets. Besides she is also an evil vindictive manipulator ( sorry about the spelling). She will do antyhing to make my now husbands life miserable as well as mine. My SD who is now 17 does not speak to me nor I do her because she was caught lieing, going through our personal things including our phones and going back and telling her mom. So I took her cell phone away that I pay for. She was mad I am sorry but I do not like being disrespected. I did everything for her and her brother. When thier father and I decided to get married a few months ago my husband waited till the last minuet to tell them because he did not want his ex to ruin it. Well His daughter who was 17 asked him to change the date because she could not make and REALLY wanted to be there. So we did. I had mentioned to my husband that I wanted him to say something to her about her actions over the last year and he would just brush them off. I think because he was afraid loosing her. Well I am sorry she is not 4 and needs to be told her actions are un called for. So I agreee with Shana that if dad does not put a stop to it, it will only get worse trust me I am there right now. We are currently on vacation in Hilton Head and she is with us.

Congratulations on your wedding everything will be wonderful.

Sonya - posted on 09/01/2009

Oh girl I have been there before with my SD she would always constantly tell her dad to get back with her mom right in front of me like i wasnt there, or to buy her flowers so they can make up and she was about oh I say about 7 years old she would always tell me, my dad talked to my mom today on the phone like to make me mad but I never let her get to me because thats what she wanted and yeah parents have to communicate which she did not understand, oh and the big day my husband and I got married she started to cry she cried after we kissed and when we took pictures she had tear eyes and did not smile, yet I payed no attention to it I asked her one time only if she wanted to talk about it and she just told me no and continued to cry, but my new in-laws told me she just wants attention and to not let it spoil the day, my SS now was 6 years old was happy and all excited about. Soon after we got married she toned down a bit and we started having more heart to heart talks because this battle can not go on forever, My SD which is 10 now we have a close bond though now and she calls me mom and we are open with eachother and she trusts me but let me tell you my journey was not an easy one, but I believe that once she notices that you are not going anywhere she will have to come around sooner or later, it just makes it easier to get along than to try to be mad and spiteful everyday it is probably exhausting for the both of you. But hang in there and good luck, maybe give her a choice to be a flower girl or a brides maid and explain that you do that for the brides maid you have to do alot of standing up during the ceremony or you can be a flower girl and then she can sit afterwards so she isnt so antzy but she will come around just give it time. oh and Congratulations!!

Shana - posted on 09/01/2009

WOW....well, first I think that u definitely need to sit down and have a major one on one with her father. There is nothing cute or crazy about her behavior. Since you have been in her life for so long its kinda odd that she still has this "wall" up when it comes to you. She is trying to please her mother. And also, when she is with her mother, you don't know the things she is being told, "you don't have to listen to her, she's not your mother, its her fault me n ur dad aren't together"...have you ever tried to just take her, some one of one time with her, talk to her about how she feels about the situation with you and her dad??? Explaining to her that u love her, want to have a relationship with her. These situations are hard...I have a stepson who is 3, I have been in his life for the past 2 years. It's hard for kids to understand the circumstances and the situations. I have always just treated him like I treat my other two....I always included him when I would take my kids somewhere(without his dad, just us!) I got to know him and he got to know me...
There is a reason for her acting out the way she is...her dad needs to put his foot down also and explain that her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. You are going to be in their lives, he needs to lay off the hugs n kisses...start punishing for the stealing, etc. You probably can't do this alone, you will need his help. Both of you should sit down with her, talk to her and find the reason she is so angry, then go from there. She is just rebelliing right now. Hope I helped alil. Good luck, Congrats on ur wedding!

Jules - posted on 09/01/2009

If you are having thank you gifts/ bon bons You could show her how to make them, Let her pick out things, Let her put the ribbons round the flowers. Let her make a small pendent for all the bridal party to where. My husband also added that you should find somthing that she is realy into that would make her feel important to the wedding. Let her feel as though she has a little control of somthing. A hair piece maybe, Somthing that every one can see, N will coment on, N when you are saying your thank yous include her and what she did to make the day special. Treat her as a friend just for the wedding n not from a mums point of view. I'm glad I could help. :) If you get stuck on somthing just ask.

Gemma - posted on 09/01/2009

Thank you Jules, to be honest i never thought of doing what you suggested, its a very good idea! Its absolutely true that the in laws will all shun me if she isn't a maid, I'm not sure if they ever really liked me in the first place as i am very independent and don't let them push me around.
Adding to the 'centre of attention' thing, maybe if i give her a special job to do (I'll think of something!) she will have something important to focus on. And also reiterate(?) to her that it's Daddy's special day too (after all, it is!) and we need to make it the best day ever for him!
Wow, i really needed this! Thank you so much. Any other reply's are still welcome, and if anyone has any ideas for the 'special job', they would be MOST welcome! :)

Jules - posted on 09/01/2009

I know it's hard but if you don't have her in the wedding you'll probably be looked down opon by the rest of the family. You need to make it a positive for her, Pretend that she will be the center of attention so she needs to look her best, Just convince daddy to tell her that it is an inportant day for her, And that Every one will be counting on her to make the wedding special. I know it sounds mean to manipulate the situation but If you don't have her in the wedding you'll be hated by every one. As for photos, She probably wont want to go. My son didn't n he's about the same age. To them it's boring. N you don't need to have her in most of the photos. I realy hope this helps.