Ex-husband's wife

Sharon - posted on 01/28/2009 ( 99 moms have responded )

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She is a control freak. Only lets my children (13,11,7) bring school things back and forth - no toys or personal items. Has made my 11 yr old drop a friend because they had a sleepover at my house. Has ensured that I am 4th to be called on the school contact list (Ex, her, her dad, then me) with the excuse of "they are closer to the school" then I. CUTS MY 11 yr old's HAIR! About 8 inches off! Has shown the kids the sep papers (not the final div papers mind you!).



My Ex lets her- at that house it's all about keeping her happy. She has told my kids that if they don't do what she wants, the way she wants, they will learn what Cinderella felt like. She has packed her bags twice & told my kids it will be their fault if she and Ex get divorced.

All if this I hear thru the kids and see some of it, so there is really no Proof. A judge won't re-visit the custody unless physical abuse or some other tangible issue (drugs or the like). What to do besides cry and go crazy that they are exposed to this kind of insanity???



Thanks for listening.

~Sharon

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Sharon - posted on 02/03/2009

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"HOWEVER, step parents are LEGAL STRANGERS and we need to be able to communicate re the kids". That gets me nowhere." 



What that means is they have no LEGAL say so in the raising of the kids. Now, I know that StepParents are VERY important to the kids-- my Dad's 2nd wife was a GREAT lady that helped raise me and my brothers and sisters, but she understood that I had a Mom. Technically, a step parent can't sign for medical treatment, school papers, anything, but I would not EVER presume to enforce that because it's insane! Any decisions made should be made as a TEAM between all the parents. My issue is that I am not getting info, she calls me names in front of my kids (BAD Names, not just stupid or whatever), she refuses to allow anything be said about them @ my house, but grills the kids when they get back there...



I DO NOT want them to not have contact with their father/stepmom-- I want us to be able to communicate w/o the nastiness. Her Cinderella statement is just one example. There are better ways to get your point across. And while I believe that parents need to show a united front in front of the kids, NO ONE should allow another adult to treat and talk to the kids like she does ("All of ya'll can just go to hell!"). She has packed her bags and told my kids that when their father gets home, she's gonna leave and if/when they get a divorce it will be their fault. If she and he are having problems-- those are "grown-up" things and the kids need to be left out of it.



I just want to protect my kids and I want to be able to communicate w/ the father w/o interference. I don't care if he tapes or fwds emails or whatever the conversation, but he needs to think for himself and talk to me about whatever the issue w/ the kids may be. YES, on BIG issues (A lot of $$, college, etc) he should get her opinion, but he cannot have a conversation with me about the kids (bad test grade, note from teacher) w/o draggin her into it.



Good Example: At day care, my son and another boy got into it. I don't know who started it, but the end result: My son threw a rock (or rocks) at the other boy and the other boy grabbed my son's crotch. I called his father and AT FIRST he was as angry as I was (I'm not sure if my son threw rock and then got grabbed or got grabbed so he threw rocks) because under no circumstances should somebody be grabbing my son's privates! But, after calling her, his new opinion was Boys will be Boys and crotch grabbing is no big deal. I told me son throwing rocks was bad, wrong etc and if he did it becuz dude grabbed him- the better way to handle it was tell a teacher NOT to throw and if he threw then was grabbed, that's even worse.



ANYWAY, becuz it concerned 'private areas', it was considered a sexual assault and the police were called to fill out a report (not my idea). I wanted the parents of the other child to know what happened and the Director to know so they could keep an eye out on my kid to make sure he doesn't provoke another attack and the other boy to make sure he's not a pervert. My Ex played it off like nothing happened. There have been cases IN MY EX'S NEIGHBORHOOD of a 10 yr old boy sexually assaulting other kids (making them do things)- so anytime my kids' private areas get grabbed- yes, I'm gonna make a stink.



It's things like THAT where I get upset. As far as they are concerned, there is nothing wrong with her, so there is no need for coaches or counselors. In fact, when we had the 11yr old girl in counseling, the step mom removed her because she felt it wasn't necessary. (She was 8 at the time and was having issues w/ divorce and said she wanted to die-- I think that shows a need for some kind of help).



The end result- I'm always wrong. She's always right. Which is not the case.

Heather - posted on 01/28/2009

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I am coming from the opposite view of this. We have pretty much the same rules. My stepson does not take anything to his mothers house (most of the time it doesn' tcome back, She doesn't buy him clothes just takes ours, his homework has been late because she doesn't bring his bookbag home when she brings him back). The school contact list is My husband, then me, then her (when he is sick she drops him off and expects one of us to stay home with him with out telling us before hand that he is sick) Sometimes we have reasons why we do this. In our situation it's not me It's my husband and I both that made these rules. Try seeing if they are willing to sit down and explain the reasons for their rules. Maybe things have been going on that you aren't aware of or are doing on accident and not realizing it. The kids could also being telling them things that aren't true about you. My step son has told us things about his mom that we have asked about and they had no truth to them what so ever. This could be the kids needing attention and not knowing how to get it. If she is doing this just to do it though, try keeping a journal. I don't know what state you live in but you should be able to request a new judge and have the case looked at. I'm am not at all siding with your ex and his new wife but have you gotten their point of view? Just something to think about. I hope everything works out. Just remember everything should be done in the best interest of the children

Rhonda - posted on 02/07/2009

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Oh girl...lets see... NO No No...1st of all you go to the school and put your name 2nd on that list..You are the biological parent. I do not care what he wants. Who ever has physical residency with the children goes 1st on the list then you.. You are letting him walk all over you. Nope you need to in a polite way call him and state you would like to talk to him without fighting. State that you are concerned about this and that. Ya know some people are very minupulative and maybe he doesn't know how she is with them and the way she talks with them when he is not around.. Good Luck dear, and best wishes.

Debbie - posted on 02/05/2009

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Ive been reading all this stuff thats been posted on here, and I wasn't going to say anything b/c Heather and Kerri have said things that I agree with.



I now have to say I can't believe Heidi would show her 9yr old son something that private and complicated. When she said old enough I assumed he was teen yrs. How can she even think that a nine yr old is mature enough to handle what he is reading. She says that he asked to read them, that she told him about the letters yrs ago....What when he was 5??????? still I cant comprehend that fact that she would think her son old enough...does he even know about boyfriends/girlfriends and sex that happens between them?????? which is obviously what the letters imply...if he does.....well......who would want thier kids growing up that fast anyway..poor boy is all I have left to say

SHAME!!!

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heidi you are the one that came into this conversation on your own free will. You put your dirty laundry on a chat room for advice. If you don't like it then you probably shouldn't be posting anything.

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Ambrosia - posted on 02/07/2009

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As a step-mom I just wanted to tell you a different side of the story. I started out putting the clothes we had for her on her if her mom sent her in something 2 sizes to small or was stained or something, but then we were constantly running out of clothes. So then we tried taking her shopping before school started and buying her some jeans and shirts and stuff to have at her moms. We never saw her where them and again we were running out of clothes. Now I was what her mom brings her in and send her back in it when she goes back home. We can afford to keep buying clothes that we never see again! As far as her toys.. we always let her take whatever she wants because she has more than enough toys from birthdays and christmas and what not. Most of the time she never brings them back, but she's with her mom more anyway so I feel like its her right to have whatever toy she wants to take with her. I'm betting there is a reason.  

Ambrosia - posted on 02/07/2009

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Quoting Casey:

Good luck. I don't even know what to say except I wish you the best. I'd have flipped my lid over the cutting of the daughters hair thing!! You just don't go there as a step-mom. That's between mom and daughter, unless you rarely see her. Someday the kids will realize who loved them and was always there for them. Don't bad mouth your ex or his wife in front of the kids though I know you'd love to. It makes you just as guilty as them. Keep you chin up, maybe she'll loose her control issues someday before the youngest graduates!


My husband and I have had several issues with my stepdaughters hair. My hubby loves long hair, and my stepdaughter has really pretty long curly brown hair. Several times she has cut my stepdaughters hair really short... and she does it herself! It was so un even that I ended up taking her to the salon and having them cut it again and add layers to make it look decent! (I took her the night of her musical program at school and also had them curl it and stuff so that my stepdaughter wouldn't understand what my motives were) When her hair finally grew back out she came to us crying because "papa cut the bress out of my hair" She had a huge patch of hair missing on the back right side of her head :( It's been about 8 months and is just now to the point where I can get most of it up into the pony tail so she doesn't have hair sticking up! When we asked her mom what happened, she said my stepdaughter did it. :( Everytime they cut her hair though... THEY do it. It's always un even and looks like the just put a bowl on her head.  I try not to get involved because I think it is the mom's duty... but I'm getting tired of my stepdaughter not getting the chance to have a decent hair cut. Am I being shallow and over reacting? or do I have a legit concern here?

Debbie - posted on 02/06/2009

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Quoting Sharon:



WOW! I am sorry I've not been here--Been in the bed sick.






 






I have read thru all the posts and even tho some of them were not directly pertaining to my situation, they were still helpful, none the less. I can better understand now that - for whatever reason- the new wife is insecure. I do NOT want to come between her and my kids. I only want her to not air her opinions of me in front of the kids. I am quite sure that she and my ex talk about me and that's OK. I honestly don't care if they do. When one of my kids tells me that they are hurt because stepmom is saying bad things about me, all I can say is that "It's ok, the only people that have the power to hurt you are those you care about and while I wish my ex and his wife health and happiness, it doesn't bother ME if she says stuff". But it hurts my kids.






By taking thie "high road" 99% of the time, my oldest (13) and youngest (8) have formed their own opinions of who's doin' what. Unfortunately, the 11 yr old is the one caught in the middle because she just wants to be liked. She is learning that- when in their house, go along w/ whatever is being said and she'll get rewarded. THIS is where I have a problem. As most of the Mom's here said: KEEP THE KIDS OUT OF IT. My kids have asked questions: some of which I answer in VERY general terms others I tell them "That's Grown up Stuff you don't need to know about". If they at the other house would only do the same I could deal with almost all of the other BS.






 






Thanks to all who have helped,,,I have gotten some great ideas and links to click on and books to read. I will be taking all of this advice and suggestions to heart and-like I've said- even the posts that were not related to me have helped me see how NOT to behave.






Hi I always made sure I never bad mouthed the mum in front of my step kids not because I didn't have something to say or an opinion about what she was doing, because the kids loved her and I didn't want to do that to them. I never fought with her when she wrote nasty msg or sent horrilbe emails or even spoke on the phone, I would never say anything back. I would ignore her or hang up. I let my husband do the arguing with her, dealing with her etc...at times I have gone to her house and had the third degree, where she would sit me down and air out her problems and I would be left to deal with it. I never ever said anything against her to the kids or her. She Knows I dont like her and that all that needs to be said. The kids I thought would eventually see that we don't bad mouth thier mum but she does us, and realise who is the better parent, In 15yrs I have kept my mouth shut and we still lost the kids in the end anyway. I have alot of things I really want to tell them and say to her, but again I'm taking the high road as I know with her mental mind it just wont matter to her anyway.

Janita - posted on 02/06/2009

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do they live with ur x?cant u contact school n say ur 2nd if not 1st contact?have u tried talking 2 ur x not easy i can imagine but u need 2 exhaust every option so u no uve tried everything.good luck

Sharon - posted on 02/06/2009

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WOW! I am sorry I've not been here--Been in the bed sick.



 



I have read thru all the posts and even tho some of them were not directly pertaining to my situation, they were still helpful, none the less. I can better understand now that - for whatever reason- the new wife is insecure. I do NOT want to come between her and my kids. I only want her to not air her opinions of me in front of the kids. I am quite sure that she and my ex talk about me and that's OK. I honestly don't care if they do. When one of my kids tells me that they are hurt because stepmom is saying bad things about me, all I can say is that "It's ok, the only people that have the power to hurt you are those you care about and while I wish my ex and his wife health and happiness, it doesn't bother ME if she says stuff". But it hurts my kids.



By taking thie "high road" 99% of the time, my oldest (13) and youngest (8) have formed their own opinions of who's doin' what. Unfortunately, the 11 yr old is the one caught in the middle because she just wants to be liked. She is learning that- when in their house, go along w/ whatever is being said and she'll get rewarded. THIS is where I have a problem. As most of the Mom's here said: KEEP THE KIDS OUT OF IT. My kids have asked questions: some of which I answer in VERY general terms others I tell them "That's Grown up Stuff you don't need to know about". If they at the other house would only do the same I could deal with almost all of the other BS.



 



Thanks to all who have helped,,,I have gotten some great ideas and links to click on and books to read. I will be taking all of this advice and suggestions to heart and-like I've said- even the posts that were not related to me have helped me see how NOT to behave.

TopSecret - posted on 02/06/2009

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Quoting Heidi:



 I find it quite neccessary for every child to know the whole entire truth.  There is no need to hide or lie to them.  When they are young you can hide the truth but as they get older and wiser they see what is true and what is not.





If a parent does not choose protecting their children over harming them with exposing them to adult conflicts, by justifying it with "every child needs to know the entire truth" - most professionals (and reasonable mature adults) will see that as immaturity and bitterness on that parents part.  They see it as selfish.



We are currently right smack in the middle of a custody trial and this behavior has been demonstrated by the mother and it is not looking good for her at all.  The evaluator has recommended that the children live with Dad because Mom can't get over herself long enough to keep her children out of her own issues with Dad.  The counselor concurred and testified that Mom's overwhelming desire for the kids to "know the truth" about their Dad borderlines on an obsession and that Mom is not able to change her tune in order to raise her children appropriately.  Funny thing is, her "truth" was proven to be complete BS in court and nothing more than a perceptual version on Mom's behalf.  Her own lawyer can't even get her to listen to his advice and it appears as though he is now just going through the motions of getting through this trial in order to get it over with.



It's interesting to see how this sort of thing exists in other families.  It's sad though because the children are really caught in the middle.



I definitely feel sorry for the little boy who is discussed in this thread because what it boils down to is, for whatever reason, he has lost his father.  He also has to deal with whatever else is actually CAUSING that.  It looks to me as though ALL of the adults in that situation have to put their weapons down, wipe the slate clean, and actuallly DO right by him regardless of how they feel about each other.

Heidi - posted on 02/06/2009

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Well the fact of the matter is we are all parents and yes as parents we do make mistakes.  I for for a fact there is not one mom or dad out there that is perfect.  Nobody is for that matter.  My ex is not an ex husband thankfully.  And I did not stock out the off.  We both happen to be step moms and when she posted crap about me on here of course I am going to defend myself.  Maybe I shouldn't have let my son read the letters but whats done is done.  So you can all get off of your high horse and come back to reality now and relize this is not a perfect world and none of you are perfect.  I am very happy with my life and I wouldn't trade it in for anything. My boys are all happy and respectful human beings.  So obviously I am not a bad mother as you all seem to think I am.  This is absolutely ridiculous.   This is all about the freedom of speach, but then again ALL women are katty and like to meddle in the middle of things and yes me being one of them.  Its in our nature.   I am far from being jealous Catrina.  I left my ex for reasons you will never understand, but its my life and the way I raise my kids is my choice, just like you have the right to raise your own kids.  I will always defend myself, my husband and my kids no matter ugly the situation gets.  I am a mom and thats what moms do.  Whether its good or bad I will stand by what I have done and said because its life as it is.   Just remember none of us live in a perfect world and we all do make mistakes!!! 

Catrina - posted on 02/05/2009

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It's so sad but true....too easy to call....the statistics of a jealous ex b*tch who has nothing better to do than track down the wife of ONE of her kids speaks plenty in itself. I mean seriously, if all this "non-compliance" is going on with a court order -- why come in here wasting you finger muscles to b*tch at the STEP MOM in a STEP MOM group instead of going before a Judge? Oh that's right, he might call your bullsh*t about the letters....stupid b*tch

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heidi - put that in your pipe and smoke it! Catrina - If I was a lesbian I think I would be in love with you!!!!!!!!!! lol Hopefully Heidi reads this and decides to shut her trap. But probably not because she is an immature selfish woman that can't even put her husbands past behind them in order to raise her children in a loving home.

Catrina - posted on 02/05/2009

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Finally after COMPLETELY reading through this, I'm sorry I got lost in the confusion of a biomom coming in here to challenge what the stepmother to her son has to say. I find it rather immature to come onto a forum to continue to harass someone. Do you have nothing better to do than stalk the step mother of your son?????

As for these letters that your ex was writing to other women -- who the F are you to open your mouth and say a DAMN thing about them? If it doesn't relate to you, shut your mouth. Period. This isn't a game, where you need to WIN your child's love. If you have to sink so low as to HOLD letters that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you, in order to prove to your son that you couldn't keep his dad situated in your bed - really says nothing more than a jealous b*tch who can't let go of the past.

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Quoting Heidi:



No I did not offer the letters to him.  I told him years ago about them and when he felt ready to read them I would get them for him.  So last night he asked for them and I went and got them.  Either way it doesn't matter.  He read them and then I put them away again. 






The whole point is that you TOLD him about the letters and that he could read them.  He is a child #1 he should never read them #2 you should never let a child decide when they are ready to do something.  This is a terrible mistake and makes you seem very selfish because it looks like you are doing it for your own agenda. 

Jaime - posted on 02/05/2009

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I just hope the way you are being so honest with T, doesn't come back to hurt him in the end. He is only a 9 year old boy, he may be mature but should not be involved in adult matters. This is all turning into a big joke. This chat room is to obtain advice from other mothers/ step mom's going through similar situations not a place to belittle other women. I think you need to step back and let someone else post a problem or question so we can offer suggestions.

Heidi - posted on 02/05/2009

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No I did not offer the letters to him.  I told him years ago about them and when he felt ready to read them I would get them for him.  So last night he asked for them and I went and got them.  Either way it doesn't matter.  He read them and then I put them away again. 

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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You sat there and said yourself that you told him about the letters so you did offer the info you might want to check out your previous posts so that you don't get caught in a lie heidi

Heidi - posted on 02/05/2009

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I do not need parenting advice from a 21 year old.  My son does not have emotional problems and neither do I.  The only problem I have is my ex not wanting to be involved in his only sons life. I have been fighting this issue for years now.  My ex is the one losing out not me. I have my son with me everyday and that I am thankful for.  My life revolves around my boys.  I will do whatever it takes to keep them happy.  I will always answer there questions honestly.  I will never hide the truth from them.  No matter what the age of the child if they ask questions they need to be told the truth. I do not offer any info unless asked about an issue.  You raise your kids your way and I will raise my kids my way. 

Kerri - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heidi, I wish you the best.  I hope you seek counseling for you and your son, especially if he is making adult decisions for himself like being involved with his father.  I understand your issues about your ex not being involved with your son.  I do disagree with you regarding children needing to know the truth.  Their minds simply are not capable of understanding it, nor are they capable of understanding the reprecussions of making adult decisions. 

Heidi - posted on 02/05/2009

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You know what I dont need parenting advice on any of this.  My children are well adjusted and happy.  That is main goal.  As long as they are happy I am happy.  I have a wonderful husband now that respects me and all our boys.  We are a blended family and the only issue we have is the one in regards to my son.  We have the his the hers and the ours and all 3 boys are very happy and active even though one of them is now an adult.  I have been a stepmom for almost 8 years and I have had to deal with many issue in regards to my husbands ex, but now for the last 2 years she wont even see or talk to her only son.  To me parents should always put there kids first and everything else comes second.  I would never abandon any of my boys for anything.  No job, no new husband or wife, no matter how far the distance I would be there for all my boys.  That is the point I am trying to get at.  As much as I dislike my ex I would never come between him and his father. Its his fathers decision not to see him.  My son is old enough to decide whether he wants to be a part of his life or not and over the past 8 years he has made a lot of decisions in regards to seeing his father because he feel abandon by his dad.  I am the one that has to try and smooth things over all the time and I am tired of making up excuses, so I dont anymore.  There is no reason at all for any parent not to come for a birthday or see there children over Christmas, or come for a major surgery and many more things to.  I have had it and I wont deal with being down graded by people that dont even know me.  And for me I find it quite neccessary for every child to know the whole entire truth.  There is no need to hide or lie to them.  When they are young you can hide the truth but as they get older and wiser they see what is true and what is not.  On many occasions my son has heard the nasty words his father calls me and he doesn't like.  Sometimes as parents we dont think before we act because we want to protect our children, but sometimes in the heat of the moment its a little to late and there are regrets afterwards.  But such is life and we all learn from our mistakes.

Kerri - posted on 02/05/2009

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Quoting Heidi:



I am well aware of parenting and I know my son well enough to let him see what is going on so he knows.  You dont know what the letters intale and trust me if they were that bad I never would've let hims ee them.  I told him about the letters years ago.  He needs to know the truth and thats a fact. I have never lied to my son and never will.  Also I have never degraded his dad in front of him.  I may have said some nasty words to my husband when my sons not around but never would in a million years say it where he can hear me. 






Sometimes it is necessary to not let your children see the whole truth in order to protect them.  That is your job as a parent.  I dont lie to my children either but I certainly would not let them know if their father had done bad things.  I am not trying to gang up on you but showing him the letters was not a good idea.  I have had experience with this before and I am just trying to get you to understand that this can hurt your child.  It absolutely is not necessary for your child to know everything.  Look at it this way, how would your son react if someone at school said something bad about his father.  His natural instinct would kick in and he would defend him. 

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Thank you Kerri...again!! Heidi It doesn't matter what was in the letters or who they were written for. Your son should have never laid eyes on these letters and you as a MATURE mother should have never told him about them. It is not lying it's doing what is best for your child. I'm sure you have sex with your husband but you don't tell your son in the morning about it. This isn't lying it's simply adult issues that don't involve children. "IF" the father is as bad as you think he is then in the end your son will know, but from what you have posted the father can't be any worse than you doing the things you are doing.

Kerri - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heidi,  I understand your frustration.  However there is no excusable reason for showing your son ANYTHING that degrades his father.  Whether he requests to see it or not.  You are contributing to his frustration and anxiety by doing it.  The child should not even be in a situation where he is trying to figure out what is going on.  My point earlier was that he SHOULD NOT BE dealing with ANY of these adult issues.  If there is animosity then the child should not even know about it.  A parent is supposed to be a protector.  My children often ask me to see things they think they are ready for, like PG13 movies.  As a parent I have to say, no - your mind is not mature enough to understand it. 

Heidi - posted on 02/05/2009

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I am well aware of parenting and I know my son well enough to let him see what is going on so he knows.  You dont know what the letters intale and trust me if they were that bad I never would've let hims ee them.  I told him about the letters years ago.  He needs to know the truth and thats a fact. I have never lied to my son and never will.  Also I have never degraded his dad in front of him.  I may have said some nasty words to my husband when my sons not around but never would in a million years say it where he can hear me. 

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heidi you are missing the point here. It doesn't matter who the letters were to, what matters is that he should never have seen them. And sure he might have asked to see them but how did he find out about them in the first place? And kids shouldn't always be allowed to do the things he asks. It's called parenting to tell your son no on the things that don't involve him which would include these letters.

Amanda - posted on 02/05/2009

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Hi, my name is Amanda and i am in both positions i have two daughters, from another relationship and i have a step daughter and we have one together. I have to say you sound like your in a horrible spot. when i had first married michael i thought his ex was a night mare, she was controlling manipulative and a liar, and honestly she still kind of is a liar but i learn to just deal with it because the little things just don't matter and that we just need to leave it to God, so that is what i did. I prayed about our situation and four years later, we had moved to mankato to be closer to his daugter and things seem to work a little better, although things may seem like there ok, I always stay on guard because i don't know how much i can trust her, i want to trust her but it's just not there yet, i guess my advice to you is that you need to pray about it and give it to God, and you go far and beyond to be with your kids and let them know that you are there for them. and for the things that they can't bring i am the same way with my step daughter she is not allowed to bring anything home from our house to her moms because her mom always has her brinng it back when it's broken and there's no use to it and i got sick of it, but she can bring things from home but she has to bring it back because her mom gets mad if she don't. but that's miner that doesn't bother me any. we have things here for her and she has things at ther moms. well anyways you know what i think that you will be alright and that you just need to keep doing what you are doing and your kids will see some day what she really is, never talk bad about any of them though in front of the kids because that will make you look bad. well you take care and i will keep you in my prayers and i wish you the best. amanda

TopSecret - posted on 02/05/2009

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Quoting Heidi:



And as for you Jaime I have never said any bad words to Tanner about his dead beat dad.  He knows what is going on and I have showed him every letter that was written by his father now.  He is old enough to know the truth.





 



Why would you want to burden a little boy with adult matters?  I don't know how old your son is but to be honest with you, if you involve him in the correspondence between yourself and his Dad, he is going to be a very confused, angry, upset, little guy who is not just able to be a kid.  He's got all this "stuff" in his head about his Dad, and possibly his Mom, and kids just can't cope with such mature subjects.  They shouldn't have to. 



I can understand that some Mom's or Dad's would be unhappy with the other parent, if the other parent is uninvolved by their own choosing.  My son and I deal with that too and it is not fun.  How old a child is, is irrelevant with respect to "knowing the truth" because "the truth" is not something that he/she as a child should have to deal with.  If my mother, ever put letters that my father wrote to her, in front of me, (and I am 40!) and those letters entailed bickering back and forth, I would be affected negatively.  That would be between them and frankly I wouldn't want to know.  Showing the kids legal documents, letters, etc, is actually putting the kids IN THE MIDDLE of a war between the two parents.  Picture a child in the middle of the war without the maturity to defend or protect themselves.  Picture them in between the two people that they love the most, watching each one of them try to harm the other.  Can you imagine?



 



 

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heidi You are the one that sat there and said you were showing your son the letters!!!!! How is that not abuse? You are messing with your sons mind and doing it to help your own agenda. Only someone really deranged would not understand how this is abuse. Your son will grow up and he will understand what has gone on and despise you for it. Maybe not right away, but when he has a child of his own and remembers the way you talk about his dad, your son may not even want you around. How are you going to talk to his child if you don't like someone in his life. Are you going to abuse that child too? You all need to just pray to God for love and mercy and to show you how to do the right things for these kids. I honestly feel bad for the kids in you life right now because they are a pawn in your little game

Jaime - posted on 02/05/2009

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You are absolutely right Kerri. I came to get advice and it has turned into a 3 ring circus. Emotionally disturbing is an understatement.

Kerri - posted on 02/05/2009

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I dont need to get my facts straight.  I am not the one online airing all of my dirty laundry.  And unfortunately no matter what the facts are based on what the two of you have posted here, it is easy to see just how emotionally disturbing your situation is.  If you want people to stay out of your business, stop posting it on facebook.  You both need counseling. 

Heidi - posted on 02/05/2009

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You do not know the circumstances of all of this so it would best if you kept out of it and stop saying I am emotionally abusing my child.  All of my boys come first and always have been.  There best interest is what comes first and fore most.  So rather then only hearing one side of the story you should get your facts straight. 

Jaime - posted on 02/05/2009

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Thank u Dawn. I needed to hear others are facing similar challenges.
I guess instead of venting my frustrations it is better to keep my mouth
Shut. I didn't mean for all the bickering on this chat site. Sorry and thanks
Again for all the insight!!!

Jaime - posted on 02/05/2009

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When my step son is with us, we don't talk about his mom, I don't doubt the care and ways she raises her son. He is a great boy and she is doing a great job. I am not trying to duke it out with her, just tired of all the nasty messages. I realize they had a relationship before I entered the picture and that is there past. I know It is not my job as step mom to try and bring together father and son. I see how happy the 2 of them are when they are together I tried to help with the traveling so they could see more of one another. I don't have any hard feelings towards bio mom because I don't know her well enough I only see one side. I finally decided to step back and not communicate with them because all I get are rude messages about my husband. Of course if my step son is with us I would treat him the same as always. The whole situation is horrible for him. Thanks for the insight on mediator and custody stuff. I will pass on the ideas to my husband who can talk to his lawyer. The way things are going from last night he may end up back in court.
Thanks Kerri and the rest of the group. It's nice to hear insight from other mom's going
Through similar situations!!!!

Dawn - posted on 02/05/2009

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Jamie,  I know how you feel.  My husband's baby mama started talking junk to me on this very board too.  She, however, used a fake name.  But it was obvious to everyone.  Heather, too, came to my defense.  Yeahhhh Heather!



Now, I have to watch what I say, I cannot be open like I normally would.  And I cannot post about what's going on in my life that's not in relation to her child.



We have not seen our ss but once in 8 months.  Not for lack of trying though. 



Here's the way I see it, a GOOD mom who loved her child and put her child first would ALWAYS do what's best for their child - and that is to make sure that child has a bond with his Dad and brothers and sisters.  These women are not good mothers!  They are angry, vendictive, bitter women who use thier children to hurt the men who hurt them! 



 



 

Kerri - posted on 02/05/2009

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Jaime... " there has been many times I have driven to pick my step son up and driven back. But unfortunatley I have been busy with my own children, work and life to make the trips"



 



It is not your job to establish or maintain the relationship between your husband and his son.  That is his job.  If he cant do it then he has a problem.  If the two of them can't set aside their hate for each other for the well-being of their own child then they need to be back in front of a family court mediator or family judge.  You are a step-mom.  My definition of a step-mom is someone who is there WHEN NEEDED.  You are not the primary caregiver in this situation.  Many times the step-mother ends up giving the main care while the children are at the father's home but that is not necessarily right.  You need to let mom be mom whether she meets your standards or not.  Her job is mom.  Every mother on the planet thinks they are a better mom than so and so and that their way is always better than the other person's way.  All of these issues that you and dad and bio mom have are YOUR issues, yours, his and hers.  They are not the child's.  He should be oblivious to those things.  He should have no clue that there is animosity between the three of you.  And - no offense- but if you are participating or contributing in any way then you are wrong.  Whether you agree with BIO-mom or not, she is the mother.  She had this child.  She conceived him, gave birth to him and he is made from her - and the father.  I am sorry but you should have very little say in anything.  There seems to be a lot of insecurity and hatred in this situation and unfortunately the child is the only one who is going to pay the price - probably for the entirety of his lifetime.  Since there was adultery involved here I assume that there are a lot of hurt feelings, insecurities and malice from you towards her, from her towards you, from her towards dad, from you towards dad.  This is a toxic situation.  You guys need counseling.  And the child needs counseling.  You need to learn what is and is not appropriate conversation with a child.  You need to get some books and start reading them.  You need to see a counselor.  You and BIO-mom need to get a grip on your personal emotional issues. Why is your personal business even being discussed with her?  You do have the option to just NOT LISTEN to what she says.  Just do not participate in all of this carp.  Just stop it.  The two of you duking it out in this chatroom is ridiculous.  What the hell is up with that.  I am not taking anyone's side bc I dont know either of you but seriously this family needs help.  Both of you need to understand that chidren only have one childhood, about 12 years and then it is gone - FOREVER.  Is this really how you guys want this little boy to spend his?  Worrying about mom and step-mom and dad and the things that dad did?  That is just sooooo sad to me.  Where I live what BIOmom did with the letters is grounds for custody changes.  It is called EMOTIONAL abuse.  It is parental alienation syndrome.  It is a real thing that parents to do align the child with their agenda.  They are saying -= your daddy is bad - he is mean to mommy and you have to be my protector.  Look at what your daddy did = now you pick sides, me or him.  That is just wrong, wrong, wrong.  Heidi you need help.  You never should have done that.  You have forever scarred that child and his view of his father.  Shame, Shame, Shame on you for doing that.  And anyone else who does anything like that.  Don't let your hate for your ex-spouse or step-mom or bio-mom override your love and comfort and protection of your own child. 

Heather - posted on 02/05/2009

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AMEN KERRI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I'm not the only one that sees this. Heidi you just proved everything I have said: It's about you not the kids. What kind of mother does those things? You child will have emotional issues from having split parents (whether or not he ever had a nuclear family) all children do, and all you have done is added to the situation. "hey son i love you so look at the terrible father you have. read these letters and see for yourself!" THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE!!!! You are abusing your child whether you think you are or not and you should get help for it. I don't know any good mother that would think this is ok. We are here to ask for help and this is how Jaime sees the situation and wants help. If you need help, which you obviously do becuase you have problems with the situation, then you need to start your own board and get the help you need. I would expect Jaime to stay off that board just as she would like you to stay off hers. I want all of you to think about something. Is what you are upset about now going to matter on your childs wedding day? Is it big enough to alter their lifes? Or could you put these smalls things behind you and get along for the children? Becuase that is what really matters. One last thing Heidi- If you continue to show letters to your son and play the games that you are with him... I hope someone smacks you and hard enough to knock some sense into you because you have none. You don't give a darn about your son and prove it everytime you down grade his father to him.

Jaime - posted on 02/05/2009

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Kerri, you are absolutelty right with what you are saying. Yes my husband has not seen his son in 7 months, we have tried to make arrangements and they never seem to be right for either side. I am not making excuses there has been many times I have driven to pick my step son up and driven back. But unfortunatley I have been busy with my own children, work and life to make the trips. I had left it up to my husband to make arrangements, it is a well known fact that both bio parents detest each other, will not compromise to arrange visitations. The only one getting hurt is my step son.

Jaime - posted on 02/05/2009

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As you can all see Heidi is the bio mom to my step son. I am not down grading her, I am just venting my/our side of the situation. I am always the one who gets to hear how crappy a father my husband is, how my husband cheats on me, and how much of a dead beat father he supposedly is. I didn't join this group to argue with you Heidi, I joined to talk to other women, not you about our situation. There will always be 2 sides to this story, and unfortunatley you are not going to be the angel every time. I asked you and Tanner ( everyone knows it is you writing the mesaages from him as well) to stop sending me nasty messages on facebook. Please remember the saying we tell our children "if you can't say something nice please say nothing at all!)

Thanks Heather for your kind and encourage words!

Kerri - posted on 02/05/2009

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Heidi, I dont know you from Adam but you seen to be a very unhappy person based on the things you have said in your entries.  First off showing your son letters that were written to you IS downgrading to his father.   This is putting YOUR agenda ahead of the well-being of your children.  This is trying to point out to your child things he probably is not able to handle.  I wonder how old he is.  This is emotional abuse.  I dont care what the father has done  every child has a NATURAL instinct to love his parents and want to be with them.  I am just appalled at your behavior.  If, in fact, the father is how you say he is, why would you make it worse or harder for your son?  Shouldn't you be trying to make it easier for him to deal with.  If he has not seen his son in 7 months, shouldn't you be doing anything you can to help your child get through that and/or establish a better relationship with his father.  Yes, that is your job as his mother.  Do you understand that a child needs relationships with both of his parents.  It seems that you are trying to by the "WINNER" in this situation, like you need to prove to your son that YOU are right and THEY are wrong.  Please understand, that even if you prove to your son that you are "THE ONE, THE WINNER, even if your "Hate your daddy because look at what he did to me" attitude wins, YOUR SON loses.  And you are only making it worse.  Both of you need to get a grip.  This is a child.  A CHILD.  An innocent child that had nothing to do with what when on when whoever was married or pregnant or dating or cheating or whatever.  Why are y'all using him as a ploy to get to the other person?  Get over it.  Raise your child and stop emotionally abusing him.  He does not need to know who did what and when.  He needs to be a child. 

Heather - posted on 02/04/2009

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Anyone notice that Heidi has decided to be quite? I'm sorry and I'm not normally rude like this but these things get my blood boiling. This may not mean alot to you sense you don't know me from Adam but Jaime - I am proud of you for trying for your step son. I wish more step moms were like us so that we didn't get such a bad rap. Not all of us are this terrible person that wants to make your childrens life hell. Some of us actually love these kids and want the best for them. My case: My step son did'nt do his home work, screamed at people because he had no respect because he was never taught it(just as much my husbands fault as his mothers) was to shy to do anything. When I started dating his father we had a huge talk about how I would not allow any child of mine, step or bio, to act like this. It honestly was a wake up call for someone from the outside to say something. My SS now says yes sir no sir please and thank you, his grades are all 96% and above, is involved in football, basketball, soon to be tennis, boyscouts, and church two times a week...and he loves it and it has made him blossom. He is such an out going child now. His mom when we told her that he was doing sports told us she wouldn't only let him play on her weekends if we came and got him and brought him back because her husband wanted nothing to do with us and knew that we would be there. She has told my husband mutiple times that I have no right to have anything to do with her son, yet she never does anything with him. I (not my husband, not his mom) go to parent teacher conferences, meet your teacher, I help with boyscouts. I'm am actually baking 12 dozen cookies right now for the PTO bake sale and volunteering four hours of my saturday to help run it. I eat lunch with him every friday, every week he has a note in his school folder from me telling him how proud I am and how much he has grown up. The nurse calls me before she calls his mom or dad because HE asks them to. When sometihng is wrong he waits till his dad leaves for work and crawls up on my lap and cries and talks to me. He called me mom for the longest time but his bio told him that I would get mad and leave so he got scared and quit. But she says I am the bad person and I have no right to discipline him or have anything to do with him. It is somehow my fault when she doesn't know about things. I used to text her and send letters to her house on her weekends but she got ticked off one time and said she would no longer "deal" with me. WOW I just really vented sorry guys guess I needed to get that off my chest. I just don't understand how people can't understand that every situation is a special situation and none are alike not all bio moms are bad and not all step moms are bad. The only thing that is the same throughtout each situation is the kids. And that is what it should all be about.

Jaime - posted on 02/04/2009

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Well said Heather. I was 20 when I became a step mom, and I sure as heck didn't know what to expect. I sure didn't expect everything that came along with it. My step son is a terrific little boy, and I feel sorry for all the things he hears, none of this was his fault.

Heather - posted on 02/04/2009

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No problem this is ridiculous! We are all supposed to be grown women here to ask for help with our children. Not to bash each other and get in fights. If you can't be civil and put your kids first girls you shouldn't be moms (step OR bio) Get a grip here some of you are acting like children yourselves. I'm so flabbergasted at the immaturity of some of the people on here. I am 21 years old have been a step mom since I was 18 my step son is only 12 years younger than me and not to be conceited but I'm a better mom than some of you on here and I was still a kid when I became a step mom. If I can grow up and take on these responsibilites then you "older"(no offense anyone but it's I always thought older meant mature boy was i wrong) should be able to do it. This is not meant to offend the people on here that are trying and really want to make things better. It's a boot in the a$$ for the people that can't get over themselves and accept the fact that you aren't the only mom that your kids have or that your step kids have a bio mom.

Heather - posted on 02/04/2009

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Heidi - if you would like to voice your opinions and vent go to another chat room. This women is asking for advice on how she feels not on how you see it. This is so immature of you to do. She is TRYING here which is better than you can say for alot of step moms AND bio moms. She's frustrated, she doesn't know what to do, and she's asking for help. Leave her alone. You are acting like a child. No wonder there are problems. Make you own room and vent there. I can't believe adults would do this. You are to immature to even raise a child.

Heidi - posted on 02/04/2009

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Well maybe the truth hurts and reality is biting you in the butt now.  Not once has my son ever said you are a bad mother so get your facts straight.  As for your so called wonderful husband.  Man you need to get your eyes checked .  Actually tonight I showed my son the letters your husband wrote to other women while I was pregnant with him and the letter that was sent by my so called"Peterborough Informant"  It was a real eye opener for my son to see who his father really is.  So rather then down grading me get your facts straight and open your eyes to see your so called fairy tale life is all a lie and has been for years.  I have never ever denied any of my sons visits.  And as for the court order your husband has never ever ever went by it to this day.  And yes you are right about one thing your husband was with me (when i was pregnant) he was with you and also another girl all at the same time.  Boy that sure sounds like a man I would want to be with...NOT!!!  I have a great husband now and the most amazing father for my children.  I wouldn't change my life with anyone else for all the money in the world!

Jaime - posted on 02/04/2009

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I think everyone goes through similar situations and it is horrible. I am the "meddling step mom" as my husbands ex likes to call me. My step son is 9 years old, I have been with his father since just before he was born. I have been dealing with his mom since she found out about me. I admit they were probally still together at the start but I was young and having fun not thinking it would last. I did not have anything to do with my step son while he was a baby, once things got serious in our relationship I started spending time with my step son also. Things progressed and we had our own children. I never treated my step son any different then my own children. A court order was needed to set out guide lines. We would visit with my step son every 2weeks but things changed suddenly he wasn't available on the arranged days( we live 2 1/2 hours away) our summer visitation was never good enough for the mother. On one occasion I was accused of abusing my step son and so on..... It is to the point now that my husband is being down graded and told he is a bad father publically. I am accused of erasing messages, and not giving him letters. Just the other day I was told my husband has been cheating on me with the ex and other women. I don't understand why she keeps throwing all this stuff out there when she has her own life???? I finally told her to stop sending me messages from her and my step son on facebook because they are never nice. At one point I was told I am not a good mother???

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Quoting Kerri:



 i have been through this situation before - only I am the step-mom and the mom was the one who was acting the way your step-mom acts.  My personal opinion is mom or step-mom - both must be respected.  Both people WILL play an integral role in YOUR children's lives.  It can either be good or it can be bad.  For some reason there is an unwritten rule that moms and step-moms are supposed to be enemies and that is just sad to me.  What about maternal instincts to protect children?  Personal feelings about each other MUST be taken completely out of the picture.  Focus solely on the children and their well-being.  Let the small stuff go.  Seriously just let it go - he said/she said stuff will go on FOREVER unless someone is brave enough to stop it.   Clothing/backpack/school work issues are going to happen every week.  If you stress about it then the kids are going to stress about it.  Just do the best you can on these issues.  Don't take everything personally.  This is hard to do but it will help you out.  When there is a question about who is right or wrong on big issues and no answer can be found - then the biological parents must be the decision makers.  If DAD can't set boundaries for step-mom then you absolutely have to come to some type of agree to disagree agreement with her.  You can fix this situation.  It will take a major effort on your part - whether the step-mom wants to participate or not.  You MUST be the bigger person here for your kids.  Kids who grow up in a toxic mom/dad/step-mom situation are miserable - regardless of who is responsible all parties are participating.  I dont  mean to sound harsh but no one is perfect!





EXCELLENT advice. 

Kerri - posted on 02/04/2009

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P.S.  It sounds like the biggest problem in all of this is DAD.  He needs to remember who he procreated with.  He also needs to set some boundaries for step-mom.  I agree with Heather on her idea.  How would DAD feel if he could only communicate with Step-Dad regarding the children? 

Kerri - posted on 02/04/2009

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Sharon,  I would like to either get your email address or add you as a friend so I could actually give you some advice.  i have been through this situation before - only I am the step-mom and the mom was the one who was acting the way your step-mom acts.  My personal opinion is mom or step-mom - both must be respected.  Both people WILL play an integral role in YOUR children's lives.  It can either be good or it can be bad.  For some reason there is an unwritten rule that moms and step-moms are supposed to be enemies and that is just sad to me.  What about maternal instincts to protect children?  Personal feelings about each other MUST be taken completely out of the picture.  Focus solely on the children and their well-being.  Let the small stuff go.  Seriously just let it go - he said/she said stuff will go on FOREVER unless someone is brave enough to stop it.   Clothing/backpack/school work issues are going to happen every week.  If you stress about it then the kids are going to stress about it.  Just do the best you can on these issues.  Don't take everything personally.  This is hard to do but it will help you out.  When there is a question about who is right or wrong on big issues and no answer can be found - then the biological parents must be the decision makers.  If DAD can't set boundaries for step-mom then you absolutely have to come to some type of agree to disagree agreement with her.  You can fix this situation.  It will take a major effort on your part - whether the step-mom wants to participate or not.  You MUST be the bigger person here for your kids.  Kids who grow up in a toxic mom/dad/step-mom situation are miserable - regardless of who is responsible all parties are participating.  I dont  mean to sound harsh but no one is perfect!

Heather - posted on 02/04/2009

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I think that your best bet would to be keep a journal about everything that goes on and print off every email and takes notes during phone calls. If I were you I would continue to try to call your ex and speak with him. You can tell them that you will only speak to her if he is also on the line and you can all three talk. Otherwise it should be between the two of you. This is all new to me becuase I'm on the opposite side and we do all the things you hate but because the bio mom isn't worth a darn. She is a good person just a bad mom. You should explain to your ex that these are your children and you would appreciate being involved in their lives. When they want to know why you called the school tell them it is none of their business. Another idea: have you and your husband considered turning the tables and only allowing them to talk to him? See if that gets through to them. Maybe then they will see how insane this is. Just remember if you always act in the best interest of your children (step or not) and show them how much you love them, in the end they will know who really truly is the parent and who honestly loves them. I will be praying for you and I hope that the situation works out.

Sharon - posted on 02/04/2009

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Quoting Heather:

Wow Heidi that's a bit ridiculous don't you think? She's asking for help here and all you do is throw a fit? She has every right to wonder why we step mom's do the things we do as she has one in her life and is one herself. It seems like she is goning throught the same things that you are with your ex and she wants to make it better. At least she is trying. Think about the kids instead of yourself. Is it better for your son that she wants nothing to do with him or is it just less stressful for you? A little bit selfish don't you think?


Thanks for understanding. I am at my wits end and I have talked to my husband (not the ex), My family, a counselor, a lawyer, several differnt boards like this and pretty much anyone else that will listen.



I know that I need to talk to my ex and we should be able to do that and come to an agreement about anything child related, but he won't and she won't let him. That's why I've asked for help. I've played by their 'rules' done everything that's asked to keep the peace, but it's getting to the point where the stepmom is making my 11 yr old drop friends because they spent the nite at my house. The stepmom is making it impossible for me to talk to my kids' teachers (I do anyway!) without getting a call/email from them wanting to know WHY (bucuz they are my kids!)...stuff like that. Just looking for  a little help- a little different perspective.



 



Thanks again.

Heather - posted on 02/04/2009

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Wow Heidi that's a bit ridiculous don't you think? She's asking for help here and all you do is throw a fit? She has every right to wonder why we step mom's do the things we do as she has one in her life and is one herself. It seems like she is goning throught the same things that you are with your ex and she wants to make it better. At least she is trying. Think about the kids instead of yourself. Is it better for your son that she wants nothing to do with him or is it just less stressful for you? A little bit selfish don't you think?

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