Ex In laws/sister in law etc....

Catrina - posted on 05/19/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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How do you kindly put it that the time you get with your SK is your time? That you do not have to (in any way) include them in the time they are with their Father.

Scenario: DH ex-sister-in-law moved to the same county as us. We had an issue during Spring Break because she wanted to see the kids, and we had just 10 days to see them. Mind you when DH had contacted her many years before she pretty much told him she was instructed NOT to speak to him or have any contact. Well BM gave her the cell ph and that's when the calls & Texts started. "I know the kids are intown and I wanted to see if I could come take them for a few hours" I usually don't see much of a problem with it, however this consideration does not even apply to DH or myself. We were in the kids home town for a wedding and reserved time with them, 2 days. Yet BM refused this 6 days before we were to be there (we gave the 30 day required notice, plus a few months) so instead of the 2 days we were forced to only 4 hours with them. It was that or not see them at all.

We asked BM to add a day or two extra onto the Summer Time. We had planned on having a party for my SD the weekend before they went home (her birthday is the 21st of july, and they are scheduled to go home on the 17th) We also figured that it'd allow time for her sister to spend with the kids. We even offered to provide her with a guest pass to go to the theme park near our house with the kids for the day.

Should we be considerate? There is no court order requiring that time, and if the time was made on BM's behalf - she'd still need DH's ok in order for the children to travel w/out a parent and out of their home county & State.

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Catrina - posted on 05/26/2009

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Quoting Sandy:

I would go on instinct...if you had contact with her and yours and your husbands feelings are that which makes you believe her reason for wanting to see the kids when they are with you is to get info and check up on them for their mom, I would simply say no. If your ties with the ex sis in law mend in the future then things can be changed. Putting yourselves in a situation where you feel uncomfortable is not going to help all the children make the most of your time with them and since the aunt can have access to the kids whenever she wants really...then what is the urgency to see them when they are visiting their dad and you and their siblings. Instinct is usually right


 



 



That's exactly it, and what we're going to do. We're just super bummed that we have to alter our church attendance out of fear that the Aunt would actually attend all 4 services to see if we were there. Or split it up between the "friends" and get called - since she lives right around the corner. But yeah I'm saying instinct is what's best to stick to.........agreeing that it can be different in the future. Heck what would happen if either child or both decided they wanted to live with us???? How would we even face that? That's a whole other story, sorry I'm not gonna go there

Sandy - posted on 05/26/2009

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I would go on instinct...if you had contact with her and yours and your husbands feelings are that which makes you believe her reason for wanting to see the kids when they are with you is to get info and check up on them for their mom, I would simply say no. If your ties with the ex sis in law mend in the future then things can be changed. Putting yourselves in a situation where you feel uncomfortable is not going to help all the children make the most of your time with them and since the aunt can have access to the kids whenever she wants really...then what is the urgency to see them when they are visiting their dad and you and their siblings. Instinct is usually right

Catrina - posted on 05/25/2009

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The golden rule does not apply here. For the past 6 years we have altered our plans to fit BM's requests. From moving the departure date, to make the return date sooner to have the kids be there when her parents came back into the country (they were going to be there when they would get back either way) but we still allowed it. We changed our flights for a visit here - which also changed our plans for the birthday party we had planned, all for the attendance of a wedding. Not one the children were to be in, but just one that BM wanted to attend. We have played the consideration cards. But I guess she's does not have the same stack or just isn't at the same table.



I flip the statement --- it's not our problem or concern that their Aunt moved, which took her away from them. We did not make that choice. We've offered the time, and requested an extra day to allow this to happen. We have 5 kids total when my SK's are here. So we have our time pretty much planned out. We do everything as a family. There are no erronds to be ran, everything is put off for the simple fact that the kids are here visiting. If it doesn't have to be done, it won't. Doctor's check ups, Dentist visits etc. Aren't scheduled.



In addition to this - 5 of our families 7 birthdays fall in June and July. On top of father's day. June is 2 birthdays plus father's day, and July there's a birthday every weekend. So the time we have is our time. We've thought of the consideration, we've done it (the last visit) however this time we aren't so sure about it. We don't like the fact that we are stalked in order to know details of our attendance at church, BM checks with her "friends" etc......



I am a proud Aunt as well to 8 - and everyone of them have parents whom are seperated. Each have also been blessed with second families, however I do not press my time or request on the other parent to fill my need to see them. We don't live near them, so it's not a routine thing where we see all our nieces and nephews. When our birthday parties fall on the times that the other parent has the children - I leave it up to my brother or sister to discuss it with their exes to see if the child(ren) can attend. I don't directly contact the parent.



Auntie is able to be flown home, and usually will be for Holidays. When the children are not here with us for those Holidays, she can see them there as well. I am also sure that she gets more phone contact than their own father does (which has to be court ordered in order for it to even happen)



So right about now it doesn't come down to a "Treat others as you'd want to be treated" simply because this situation does not fall into that category. We've asked if our family there in the same city as them could see them (after the first few requests we got) this has yet to be answered by BM......

Kimi - posted on 05/23/2009

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As a proud aunt I say if she lives closer to you than she should get to see the kids for a few hours while you have them. It is not her fault that you got screwed out of a proper visit in the past. She only wants to see them for a few hours and I'm sure that you would like a little break to run errends while you have them anyway. The golden rule is to treat people how you want to be treated so if you want BM to allow your family a few visits a year than you are going to need to be more generous yourself.

Andrea - posted on 05/23/2009

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the bm should be the one to make it so the kids see there aunt not you

it is your visation not her if she want to see them she needs to talk to her sister if she does not talk to her find another member to talk to the bm it should not affect your time with the kids

Kimi - posted on 05/22/2009

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I would be a bit considerate since she is family to them. I recomend planning an outing or two where their aunt is invited to come along if you can't part with any of the time you have. An extra day or two would be nice but if she only wants to see them for a few hours what's the big deal in shareing?

Catrina - posted on 05/19/2009

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We are sort of sketchy about the ex SIL -- 8 yrs after the split there was nothing but silence. Nov 2008 she called to try and see the kids. Literally tracked us down! Called my brother, since a close friend of ours is the ex of one of her friends. Family and close friends know not to just pass out anything without speaking to us - especially if it has ANYTHING to do with his ex. But so she wanted to see the kids, and it was the Thanksgiving visit - BM did not book the flight she was instructed to (DH has the say of when the travel occurs as long as it does not interfere with school) Well she booked it sooner for whatever reason. So we ended up meeting up with ex SIL to sort of talk to her and see what insight she might have to offer, in addition DH wanted to talk to her and give her his side of things. They all were close. Heck we all were. We all grew up together, went to high school together. This ex SIL was in a few of my classes. Soooooooo we met. Spent a good 2 plus hours talking to her. Within maybe 30 days or our meeting, certain actions that BM was doing - led us to believe that she met up with us to get info or what not. Things that were talked about, that were agreed upon, all of a sudden weren't etc.

We are uncomfortable with just allowing her to come around. We don't have much time to offer, other than maybe during the Summer. We don't know what she's doing life wise (job etc.) so I mean we aren't really concerned with working around her schedule. She use to live with BM in their parents house for about 4 years straight without their parents there (they were in another country - dad was in the navy) SO it was ex SIL, BM and BM's new husband - with the 2 kids. All the time. Recently BM purchased a new home, and moved out of the parents house. ex SIL stayed there, but just the start of this year she moved back to where we all grew up. We know that their father (BM and ex SIL's) flies her around freely and pays for anything she needs. So to see the kids would be nothing more than a phone call to her father asking to fly her back.

It's just extremely tricky, and odd that now we are being used to bridge them together. When she was in College she didn't see the kids on a regular basis. Holidays, and then her graduation. Never have the kids even mentioned to us that they WANT to see her. They didn't even inform us that she moved back here. (they were here for spring break last)

My feeling is -- BM would not allow neither DH or myself more than 4 hours with the kids when DH had reserved time for his allotted vacation time - but it didn't fit to BM's demands so that's all we got. It was that or nothing. We couldn't fight or do much because she didn't mention the conflict until we were to be there in 6 days. So not even their own father had the access to his kids when he was in their area without rules and restrictions. We've asked if our family (who live 30 mins, and 90 minutes away from them) would be able to see them. They met them when we were out there, so it's not complete strangers. That is a question that hasn't been answered by BM.

We did make it clear though to ex SIL that if she had intentions of seeing the kids, extra time would need to be added to their visits. What's a day or 2 more?

Sandy - posted on 05/19/2009

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Do you get along with the ex sister inlaw? How important would it be for the kids to see her? Does she get to see them when they are at home with their mom? Sorry lol lots of questions.lol

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