ex wife from hell

Michelle - posted on 08/05/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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hello. I am a step mom of two wonderful, beautiful teenagers. I have been in their lives for almost 8 years now/. My husband is a great father, when he is allowed to be. he pays his child support faithfully, gave her the house, the kids, the car. He pays for medical, dental and vision insurance for the kids too. However, the bio mom continues to ask for more and more money. When he tells her no, she bad mouths him in front of the kids and tells them that they can't have this or can't do that because daddy won't pay for it. Then, per usual, daddy is the jerk. When the kids to begin to get involved with dad, mom will call and harasses them. Wondering when they are coming home, what are they doing with their father. She tells them to make sure they get dad to take them out and spend money on them.. Then, again, when he doesn't, he is the jerk..



Will she ever stop?? How can we make the kids understand that dad is not a bank? These kids have NO rules and NO respect for their mother. She allows them do go out at all hours of the night, she leaves them home alone ALL weekend, she allows them to drink alcohol (15 & 18 yrs old) she allows BOTH of them to have their boyfriends and girlfriends sleep over and continally tells dad that if either of them get pregnant or get anyone pregnant, it will be his fault because he wont pay for birth control.



The courts do nothing to help. As long as the kids have a roof over thier head and food in their stomach, they don't care. Does anyone know what we can do to get this woman to BACK OFF!!??

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Samantha - posted on 08/12/2009

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Oh man, you too?? My husbands ex is a nut case! I could write a book about it, it's so bad. Have you documented phone calls and or confrontations? Keep receipts for any purchases that were for his kids? (Proving that you two were providing above and beyond set child support) Proof of receipt for any purchases of extra curricular activity needs (Baseball, soccer, etc...)? Any conversations that you and your spouse may have about his ex or his kids should be behind closed doors when his kids are in your home. Kids use that as leverage or juicy info for their mom (Blackmail). Also, have you had a parent/teacher conference to inquire about their academics? -This is showing concern for the childrens future. Your husband has a right as their bio-dad to know how they're doing in school. Any concerns such as low grades or behaviorial problems in the class room should be written and signed by the teacher. If you have Facebook or MySpace, make sure they can't use that against you. I've had to delete mine because of his ex. They call to "tattle" every time I have something exciting going on in my life or my sons life. "If she can do this for her son, then why can't you do this for me?" If they have a MySpace, make copies of anything concerning the usage of alcohol or drugs. I know it sounds a bit awkward, to much or to time consuming but with this, any future court hearings these documentations can be used in your defense for a restraining order or any visitation issues. Another benefit is when the children become adults (30's or when they are ready) and want to talk about things, the provided documents will prove that you guys were doing what you thought was best. But for right now it is just a game to them. That's what they've been taught to do. Fueling their fire is what they want. How far can they push you? They will always try to be two steps ahead. Right now, they thrive on drama and caios. You are considered competition no matter how you look at it or how long ya'll been married or what you do to make things better. Nothing will ever be good enough.



Briefing of my history with ex-wife: Three weeks ago, his daughter said that I took her daddy away from her. Forgetting the numerous times I've asked her and the boys to come visit us. No matter how many gifts I have sent them, iPod Shuffles, Ps2's, $80 dollar brand name shoes x3, generous amounts of money for birthdays, laptop for school, $100 calculator, $200 Tai Kwon Do Tournaments, $100 Cheerleading camps, Football camps or the 2 or 3 hour conversations that we have had weekly...- I will still, or we will still never be good enough for them. They want him to be alone. They want him for themselves with no barriers (that being me). Even though they have knowledge of the cause of their parents divorce (ex being unfaithful during his deployments), it's his fault and I'm in the way.

The kids won't understand our intentions until they have become full grown adults. They are mentally immature (life still revolves around them) and to vulnerable to understand or comprehend your good intentions or why life must go on. I know it's hard. It flat out sucks. Their heads are filled with their mother's hate and resentment. The kids have already been mentally damaged by their mother's actions.

We have had to block all phone numbers. Each time she calls from a different number, he blocks them immediately. My husband has had to brief each Commanding Officer, Sgt. Major and or Mstr. Sgt. from each new Unit he gets transfered to of his history of his ex. Everytime she does not get her way, she calls his Unit with false accusations and crazy ass stories which has gotten him into a heap of trouble. He is no longer promotable because of her. His life long dream has been shot down the tubes because of her obsessive behavior. That is just a small percentage of what we go through. With that conclusion, he has given her a written notice that all communication will be through via e-mail or letters only. If she wants financial help from us, she has to scan/e-mail or mail us copy of the receipts and we will send her half to either child support, or if it's medical that out of pocket, a check will be mailed to her within 14 business days. She has been told by one C/O that if she calls again, their will be a restraining order against her for harrassment. But that rule does not apply when he transfers Units. We have had to notate every phone call with her and the kids. We have made copies of their MySpace pages (for threats, alcohol use and marijuana use), and kept every e-mail. Any mention of her and kids in any e-mail has been kept. We do this to cover our ass, but also for when the kids are old enough to comprehend what we went through for them. He has asked all of his kids what has he done to deserve this kind of treatment and they couldn't answer him. He asked them why their mom can be happy and re-marry but he wasn't allowed to. They couldn't answer that either. It's sad to say that their is not much we can do. One of these days all this will bite them in the ass. I just wish it would bite them now!

Katie - posted on 08/05/2009

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Oh boy Michelle.. do I ever feel for you. We are going through a similar situation only my husband has not been allowed to speak to or see his son for 8 months now. For two years there was not a child support order established and my husband paid all of his sons medical, clothing, school fee and lunch expenses. If his son needed it.. he bought it. His ex wife is far from the prime example of a mother.. No rules, no boundaries, no consequences. If he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't have to. At the end of his freshman year last May, he had a total of 4 credits (he needs 42 to graduate in our state) and had missed 300+ classes. That's half the school year! His mom always has some excuse for why he's not in school. She constantly moves (on average every 3 months) and has men in and out of her house.



She constantly bad mouthed my husband and I to their son. He treated me and my children horribly because of it and my husband was constantly walking on egg shells to not rock the boat because she has a habit of abusing the system to her advantage.



This past December, we had to have my 15 yr old step son arrested for reasons I don't care to get into, but instead of having to face the consequences, his mother has made excuses for him, poo-poo'd his behavior, filed false and slanderous accusations against my children, and not made him comply with his probation sentence. Instead... she went and filed for child support to punish my husband and I for making him face the consequences of his actions. She lied at the child support hearing by stating that she didn't have any income, failed to tell them that she has NO (zero zilch nada) monthly expenses because she is on government assistance that pays for everything, and they stuck it to my husband to the tune of $600/month for one child. He told her that day that he was done with all the extra help. If their son needed something, to pay for it out of child support.



No one will help us. I have even go so far to contact welfare fraud department, write letters to our Congressman, Senator, Mayor, Judges etc. We are categorized as bitter ex's and told to get an attorney. But with half of his check being paid out in insurance, taxes and child support every week, who can afford an attorney?



I can tell you this much though.. If you do have attorney, you can set it up to where she has to provide your husband with ALL receipts every so often to prove that ALL child support money is going to support the children and not her selfish wants and needs. Try calling CPS (Child Protection Services) and explain to them about the drinking situation and the fact that they are left alone constantly to their own devices. Also, if you have an attorney, request through the courts that a home study be done on her home. Good luck with your situation!!

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Michelle - posted on 08/14/2009

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WOW!! You are in the EXACT same shoes I'm in right now.. I always remember one little saying.. "What goes around, comes around". Sooner or later, the ex wife will get hers and I will be waiting with a BBBBIIIIIGGGG Smile on my face!! Thank you for understanding. We do everything you suggested and the kids are getting older 15 & 18 and are beginning to see. It just sucks for dad cause he missed out on everything in their lives...

Tammy - posted on 08/11/2009

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My husband said the other day that at least when the kids( He had 2 by 1st wife ages 13 and 11) grow up, we wont have to put up with his ex's stunts and harrasment. I told him that I didnt think it would even end then! It would take me all day to list all the hell she has put us through. I'm a grown up. I can deal with it. I feel bad for the kids having to be put through it. My ss is old enough now that he sees what is really happening.

Brandee - posted on 08/11/2009

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I sadly can relate on both ends of the spectrum too, like many here. As far as the BM bdamouthing, that too I can relate too. In hopes for your SK (as well as mine and my Biol kid) I hope that as they grow, they begin to see on their own, the reality of the situation and us all as parents.

Kendra - posted on 08/10/2009

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We are not ordered to child support because we have joint custody however my husband and I do pay for all daycare and medical insurance and if my stepson ever needs anything we will be the one to pay for it.



Good luck!

[deleted account]

oh my goodness, I know how you feel! Except we are on the recieving end of the child support. To be nice, my husband only requested $100 per month and we have an account set up in my daughter's name for that money. It would go to the things she needs (i.e. school uniforms). They payments were set to begin on July 1st, 2009. We still have not recieved anything from her. My daughter's bank account has $200 we put in it to start the account, but nothing from her mother (by the way, her mother has the accound # so she can deposit the $ directly into it, but she cannot take any of the $ out). Once she misses her 3rd payment though there will be an arrest warrant out for her in this state and next time she comes to get my daughter we can have her arrested for that as soon as she gets off the plane (which we might actually do - it's been a long hard battle with her).



Anyway, any time she speaks with my daughter (although she hasn't called in over 6 weeks) she would tell her that she (my daughter) "needs" more stuff and her daddy "has" to buy it for her or he's not a "good" daddy. Fortunately my daughter knows better (I was raised very simply as my parents had enough to not worry about it but we did not get all the new toys and such - my siblings and I learned to entertain ourselves!). We have always tried to instill good values into her, and probably having her full time has helped with that.



I know it's hard, and it's tough to handle (we were able to snip it in the bud, but I know that is not always possible), but you just have to stick to your guns and make sure your sk's know that your hubby is not "the bank of dad" and they need to respect that, just as they need to respect him (not only as their father, but as an adult).

Andrea - posted on 08/07/2009

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belive me i know how you feel my husbands ex ask for money all the time there is no child support because he is disabled but we do buy her things she needs but she calls and askes for money and we refuse to give it to we rather go buy it then give the mother money

Lesley - posted on 08/06/2009

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i understand where u r coming from. my husbands daughters mom gets child support my husband sent a $1000.00 check in April (he was behind). When we called for her at the end of school i don't purchase any summer things for her at my house yet i asked to mom to pack her a bag she had the nerve to say she has NO clothes but just the previous month we sent you $1000.00 what in the hell happened to that money that your daughter doesn't have clothes?

Tara - posted on 08/06/2009

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I know how you feel! My fiance and I are, I guess, a few of the lucky ones. My fiance's 2 boys (11 and 6) were in the custody of their mom. Their bio mom refuses to work, when welfare was ready to cut her off, she had another baby with her new boyfriend. She was living off of $600 a month that my fiance paid her. When we took her to court for full custody of the boys, she threatened, not only to break into my house and hurt us all (including my 5yo daughter), but to make our lives a living hell for the rest of her life. Luckily, the judge saw that she was unfit and granted us full custody of the boys 2 years ago. She still calls my fiance and complains that she wants money. Part of their divorce/custody agreement was that she would receive half of his tax returns for the boys, since she doesn't work and therefore cannot file one. She flipped out when he didn't give her the half because it had been made null and void by domestic relations. So, we come to find out, that her new boyfriend broke her face and went to jail, so she filed for custody of HIS 2 children. The judge granted that to her, and she now receives their social security checks because both children are legally blind. Now that he is in jail, and she has his kids and their money, she also has a new boyfriend that she is trying to make the kids call "dad." Ridiculous! My fiance's 11 year old has already asked me if he could call me mom. Since we are not getting married until May 2010, I told him that until then, I would be Tara, but after that he can call me whatever he wants. He knows that I will be there, and he knows that I love all three of the kids just the same. The 11 year old has actually told his mother that he wants her to give up her rights and not see them anymore because all she does is hurt them. It's amazing what kids see and what conclusions they make.

Jodi - posted on 08/06/2009

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This is always a tough one. I am on the other end of an ex who badmouths about money. I am the recipient of a whole AU$165 a month (and that's if he pays it, which he often doesn't). My son frequently comes home saying that dad has told him he can't afford this or that because he has to pay me money that he shouldn't have to pay, he has told him I stole his money, so many things that it was really quite upsetting for my son and puts him in a position he really didn't understand. My ex even tried demanding receipts on where is spent the money on my son!! I mean, $165 a month, who does he think I spent it on?? It doesn't even cover 50% of the school fees, let alone everything else a growing boy needs.



Anyway, what I did was sat down and explained to my son (who was 11 at the time) the purpose of child support, and how it is the job of BOTH parents to support a child. I didn't criticise his father, I simply explained to him how it worked, and I told him how his dad had to pay me some money towards the things I have to pay for for him. We then went over some of the basic cost of living, so he could understand that what his dad paid was really helping with his school fees, uniform, and so on. I know some people won't agree with discussing these matters with the children, but I know my son well enough to know that he likes facts, and not understanding was causing him anxiety.



My son now lets these comments his dad makes slide. Unfortunately, I can't control what his dad says to him, but I have been able to give him enough understanding so it doesn't upset him.



At the age your kids are, I think they are old enough for you and your husband to explain the situation. Maybe they will listen, maybe they won't, but I do think it is time for you guys to have a talk to them. It can be done without badmouthing their BM. They need to learn money doesn't grow on trees, but that dad is doing everything he possibly can for them, and if they want all these extras, they need to get a job.

Katie - posted on 08/05/2009

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Oh boy Michelle.. do I ever feel for you. We are going through a similar situation only my husband has not been allowed to speak to or see his son for 8 months now. For two years there was not a child support order established and my husband paid all of his sons medical, clothing, school fee and lunch expenses. If his son needed it.. he bought it. His ex wife is far from the prime example of a mother.. No rules, no boundaries, no consequences. If he doesn't want to go to school, he doesn't have to. At the end of his freshman year last May, he had a total of 4 credits (he needs 42 to graduate in our state) and had missed 300+ classes. That's half the school year! His mom always has some excuse for why he's not in school. She constantly moves (on average every 3 months) and has men in and out of her house.



She constantly bad mouthed my husband and I to their son. He treated me and my children horribly because of it and my husband was constantly walking on egg shells to not rock the boat because she has a habit of abusing the system to her advantage.



This past December, we had to have my 15 yr old step son arrested for reasons I don't care to get into, but instead of having to face the consequences, his mother has made excuses for him, poo-poo'd his behavior, filed false and slanderous accusations against my children, and not made him comply with his probation sentence. Instead... she went and filed for child support to punish my husband and I for making him face the consequences of his actions. She lied at the child support hearing by stating that she didn't have any income, failed to tell them that she has NO (zero zilch nada) monthly expenses because she is on government assistance that pays for everything, and they stuck it to my husband to the tune of $600/month for one child. He told her that day that he was done with all the extra help. If their son needed something, to pay for it out of child support.



No one will help us. I have even go so far to contact welfare fraud department, write letters to our Congressman, Senator, Mayor, Judges etc. We are categorized as bitter ex's and told to get an attorney. But with half of his check being paid out in insurance, taxes and child support every week, who can afford an attorney?



I can tell you this much though.. If you do have attorney, you can set it up to where she has to provide your husband with ALL receipts every so often to prove that ALL child support money is going to support the children and not her selfish wants and needs. Try calling CPS (Child Protection Services) and explain to them about the drinking situation and the fact that they are left alone constantly to their own devices. Also, if you have an attorney, request through the courts that a home study be done on her home. Good luck with your situation!!

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