FRUSTRATION WITH SS AND BIO

Lanaya - posted on 01/07/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I AM FEELING A LITTLE OVERWHELMED:-/
WHENEVER MY SS VISITS(EVERY OTHER WEEKEND) WHEN HE LEAVES MY BIO HAS PICKED UP A NEW LINGO OR BEHAVIOR THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY. FOR INSTANCE MY SS SUCKS HIS FINGERS(HE IS 6 NOW AND BEEN DOING SO SINCE BIRTH) WELL HE HAS LEARNED NOT TO DO SO IN MY PRESENCE BUT NOW MY BIO(3) TRIES SUCKING ON HER FINGERS LATELY WHENEVER HE LEAVES SHE WILL DO SO FOR ABOUT 3-4 AFTER HE LEAVES. THEN SHE MIMICS HIS BEHAVIOR WHICH I SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND CORRECTING: LIKE HE TRIES TO USE CUSS WORDS OR ACRONYMS HE WILL SAY " WHAT THE..." OR "OH SHOOT" I PERSONALLY DON'T LIKE EVEN HEARING THAT SUGAR COATED LANGUAGE FROM A KID. I CHASTISE UNKNOWN KIDS IN THE PARK FOR USING THAT TYPE OF LANGUAGE AROUND THE YOUNGER CHILDREN TO. NOT ONLY THE BEHAVIOR IS AN ISSUE MY SS MOM TOTALLY LACKS PARENTING: ALL SHE DOES IS OCCUPY HIS TIME WITH "FUN" : LIKE CHUCK E CHEESE, THE MOVIES MARINE WORLD AND EATING OUT IN ALL OF THEIR FREE TIME WHICH INCLUDES PICKING UP FROM THE AFTER SCHOOL PROGRAM AT 5:30 AND ALL OF HER WEEKENDS. SO WHEN SS VISITS HE EXPECTS THE SAME FROM DAD AND I. WE HAVE EXPRESSED TO BM TO LIMIT THE FUN SO HIS EXPECTATIONS AREN'T SO HIGH BUT SHE THINKS WE ARE BEING RIDICULOUS. WHAT MAKES IT WORST IS THAT SS TELLS MY DAUGHTER SHE SHOULD COME TO HIS HOUSE BECAUSE ITS FUN! THEN I HAVE TO TELL HER NO, THEN HE BRAGGS ABOUT ALL THE STUFF HE GETS AND DOES.. WHAT SHOULD I DO? IT IS NOT THAT WE CAN'T DO THE SAME THINGS BUT WE DON'T FEEL ALL OF THEM ARE APPROPRIATE AND WE DON'T WANT THE CHILDREN TO BELIEVE THAT IS THE ONLY TO SHOW LOVE(SOMETIME HE TELLS US WE DONT LOVE HIM OR HE DOESNT WANT TO VISIT ANYMORE BECAUSE WE DONT GO FUN). I INCORPORATE ACTIVITIES THAT ENCOURAGE OPEN COMMUNICATION: BOARD GAMES, BAKING, STAR WATCHING AND BOOK READING ETC.. I DONT REALLY LIKE THEM WATCH TV. I HAVE TRIED ALLOWING BM TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER ON SOME OCCASIONS BUT EVERY TIME SOMETHING HAPPENED: MY DAUGHTER CAME HOME WITH A BUSTED LIP TWICE AND THE FINAL STRAW WAS WHEN SHE LOST SIGHT OF HER "FOR JUST A SECOND" AND MY DAUGHTER WAS IN SOME WATER FOUNTAIN(LUCKLY PLAYING BUT THAT COULD HAVE BEEN TRAGIC) SHE ALWAYS BEGS ME TO KEEP MY MY DAUGHTER BUT FRANKLY I NEVER TRUSTED HER I TRIED TO SET ASIDE MY FEELINGS FOR MY CHILDREN, I WANTED THEM TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE FAMILY AND THEY CAN REST ASSURE THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE THEY ARE WITH EACH OTHER THAT THEY CAN FEEL SAFE. I AM NOT ACCUSING HER OF CAUSING THE DAMAGE BUT I FEEL THAT SHE IS NEGLECTFUL BECAUSE NEITHER OF THE CHILDREN HAVE HARMED THEMSELVES OR OTHERS IN MY CARE. ON THE OTHER HAND MY HUSBAND JUST GOT HIS SON MEDICAL RECORDS AND IT SEEMS THAT SS HAS HAD MULTIPLE HEAD AND EYE TRAUMAS IN HER CARE AN OD AND ABOUT 20 SORE THROATS. I AM WORKING REALLY HARD TO KEEP MY FEELINGS IN CHECK BUT I AM STRUGGLING AND SS IS COMING OVER TOMORROW. THIS LITTLE BOY HAS TOLD MY BIO THAT HE IS GOING TO KILL HER. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH OF THIS BEHAVIOR IS NORMAL BIG BROTHER SYNDROME, MY BROTHER AND I ARE 9 YRS APART AND HE THREATENED TO KILL ME ALL THE TIME. MY POINT HIS I HAVE BEEN STEPPING BACK FROM THE FRONT LINE WHEN IT COMES TO SS BUT NOW RESENTMENT IS SETTLING AND I DON TRUST HIM AROUND MY DAUGHTER, JUST LAST WEEKEND HE ACCIDENTALLY KCIKED HIS SISTER IN HER MOUTH TWICE IN 30MIN( DIDN'T BREAK THE SKIN) BUT I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE ACCIDENTALLY KICKED HER AGAIN THAT THEY WOULD BOTH BE CRYING AND TO STOP WHATEVER HE WAS DOING TO CAUSE THE ACCIDENTS AND THERE WAS NO MORE ACCIDENTS THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. IT MAKES ME MAD BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER LOVES HER BROTHER I EXPLAIN TO HIM ALL THE TIME THAT SHE THINKS YOU ARE THE COOLEST DUDE IN THE WORLD AND HE SHOULD BE NICE TO HER. I AM LOOSING PATIENCE AND I KNOW ITS NOT SS FAULT:-) WHAT TO DO? ANY SUGGESTIONS?

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Lanaya - posted on 01/10/2010

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Mandie and Lizette I think you guys are both right. I mean I know in my heart that what I have been doing is right and will pay off. I also know that he hears alot of things he shouldn't be hearing:-/ but I do believe that it will pay off and I believe that God put me in his life for a reason:-) I just frustrated sometimes and need reminders why I took the job.LOL. I am so glad for the Circle of Moms because it feels like a safe place to vent:-)

Lizette - posted on 01/09/2010

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I know how difficult it is...What I have come to realize is that I cannot consern myself with what she bio-mom does or does not do. If I let myself get worked up over things I can't control it puts a shadow on my parenting as a SM. You need to try to just stay consistent, be strong and follow your moral values at home. Give him allot of love and just follow the rules and hold him accountable. Just say these are the rules when you come here and we need you to follow them. It will be hard at first but when he sees that you don't back down he will eventually drop the attitude. He is hearing allot of chatter from all the adults and sometimes it may not be what he needs to be hearing to make him strong in his transforation. Stay calm and just be who you are, we can't change BM's and they will more then likely always get on our nerves. You sound like a caring, strong women and God has put you in these kids path to be no one more then the person he knows you to be. Ask yourself, "What does God see as my roll in his life?" Ask him for guidance...Kids are a gift from God and it is our duty to find the best of ourselfs to share with them. I have to remember these things all the time, but what makes me stronger is to not allow myself to get worked up over my step-sons mom.

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Lanaya that is sooo hard for you and I feel yr pain. I can only really give advice on the fun/gifts aspect of it. We had/have the same issue and simply cant address it b/c we cant afford the same things BM can. & yrs later, my SS's have had totally different responses to it- younger SS likes to be with us even tho we cant have and do everything his mother can and older boy wants to be with her. My point is either they will figure it out for themselves or they wont. There isnt a great deal we can do, except just doing what we believe is best.

Lanaya - posted on 01/08/2010

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He knows the rules that is what is pissing me off! I am however trying to get dad to spend 1-on-1 time with SS or at least plan the family activities for once, this visit with out me. And I do believe that he is crying for help, but I am really trying to step back because I do all the discipline. I have been trying for years to get his Bio's to work together to form an appearance of a happy co-parenting atmosphere, I have explained to mom and dad that kids are very smart and manipulative and if we are not all on the same page he will conquer and divide. I do think his aggression does have many forms. I have been very patient and playing the role of mediator for years and I am exhausted. I just feel like giving up on this kid. But I keep holding on because I know what it is like to be a SK and not feeling like anybody was in my corner. I think venting makes feel better:-)

Valerie - posted on 01/08/2010

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I truly believe that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. It appears that she has learned that love equals gifts. There are two important things here to me. One is that it is ok for you both to parent differently because that is just the way it is. So you can acentuate what is good about it to her and your child. "I appreciate your generosity to provide all the fun outings for the kids." Use the opportunities when your child brings up why can't we do more of these to teach moderation, what love is, appreciation for differences, etc. Remember that there is virtue in everything. All of these things that are upsetting you are teachable moments. As to the safety, the other thing. I truly believe that all children are either giving love or calling for love. Violence is a call for love. It comes in many forms. I have a grandson who is aggressive due to daddy thinking violent martial arts, any cartoons, etc were fine. Their form of discipline is scolding, time outs and spanking. He has been aggressive to many others and he is only three. I found that a lot of hugs and gentle discussions, acnowledging all the good I saw in him constantly through the day, clear boundaries with immediate short consequences, began to break the cycle of violence in m presence. I have seen the same break it in teens and adults too. My point is to think of all of the negative actions as a call for love. Then first say that you love that child and hold, hug, smile at...something loving first. Next makes sure that the child understands what is expecte, ie, gentleness, respect for anothers body,kindness, etc. and how it is practiced. Then see all the good you can to help it grow. If you see minutes of caring, acknowledge the caring: "I really see your caring toward Susie and this is how I see it...be specific so the child knows what you really liked. Then smile or hug the child. Its back to basics to build true self-esteem with loving words and actions. The bio needs the positive acknowledgement too. There is a difference between acknowledgment and priase. Praise is: Thank you for doing the dishes. Acknowledgment is: Thank you for using your helpfulness by doing the dishes. It makes you think of what positive character trait (virtue) motivated the action rather than focusing on the action. The more acknowledging you do the more the behavior you want to see will grow. Once the other person knows they have these traits inside and can call on them at any time they will begin to act on them...

Kelly - posted on 01/08/2010

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Boy, thats a tough one. Have you tried talking wiyh BM about tour concerns? Just keep loving those kids. Little ones like material things. It's not until they'r older do they app.all the love and time you spend with them. Maybe sit the ss down with dad and lay out some house rules. That's what we did. Of course they wont like the "rules" at first, but he will come around. It takes time. Hope this helps :)

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